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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

313 replies

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 21/08/2023 20:21

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

OP posts:
Keyworks · 23/08/2023 17:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Playingintheshadow · 23/08/2023 18:08

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

It's an integral part of my holiday!! Reading and relaxing in the sun! You should try it.

Nobody wants to be talked at incessantly even if you're not reading.

Can you just up and go to the beach instead without MIL/FIL? Tell them very firmly that you will see them later. @Holidaynervousbreakdown? Suggest that MIL and FIL go off and do stuff together and you go apart from them as a family? Surely they could understand that you would want to do that?

Playingintheshadow · 23/08/2023 18:22

SouthernComforter · 22/08/2023 19:58

I feel you OP as am in a similar situation only with my own parents! Generally good natured and gung ho but we're in a place (in England) that my dad has paid for. Daily activities and planning and cooking meals are fastidiously being avoided. I get they're elderly now but buying and cooking food for 6 is no holiday for me. Plus my mum wakes up early. None of this is anyone's 'fault' but it's hard and I've resolved to go somewhere sunny where I don't have to shop and cook next year!
Perhaps you could do something more local and closer with your ILs in future (weekend away etc)?

We go self-catering so we can eat out.

Playingintheshadow · 23/08/2023 18:23

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 20:54

I would embrace cultural experiences whilst on holiday.

You can do that and still read! You're not limited to one activity!

Playingintheshadow · 23/08/2023 18:32

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 21:26

What is your point? Are you making a cheap jab at me or making a constructive comment to the OP? For your information, I have a degree in Literature, specifically Old Icelandic and Middle English….I have caught up to the 21st Century

I'm now feeling quite deprived... I didn't get to do Old Icelandic, just Anglo-Saxon and shit like that 🙄

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/08/2023 18:55

Squidlette · 22/08/2023 18:54

There should be some kind of family swap after the reclaim baggage bit.
Talkers- off you go.
Walkers- we've put you at the top of a hilly bit.
Readers- we've got a nice quiet place for you.
Kids- here's a theme park. With slides.

Then maybe have a little swap midway through.

I love that idea, @Squidlette! You should set it up - the MN Package Holiday Hit Squad. Dh could go out and be active with like minded people, and I could sit and vegetate with my book, knitting and iPad, and a regular supply of iced coffee/cocktails and snacks. Bliss. There will be comfy chairs/loungers, won’t there?

HermioneAndRoger · 23/08/2023 19:00

ShitMermaid · 23/08/2023 15:33

Hello everyone 👋

Thread in-joke name changes are my absolute favourite. One of my proudest MN moments was one of my threads birthing the fabulous sobriquet stuntbubbles.

NowYouTellMe · 23/08/2023 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FearTheWankingDead · 23/08/2023 21:28

Squidlette · 23/08/2023 15:35

My kids are here!!!

Show quote history

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Squidlette · 23/08/2023 21:30

FearTheWankingDead · 23/08/2023 21:28

.

Edited
Show quote history

Drinking wine, reading my book and pretending I can't see you. Who's that man? Oh look, it's your dad.

Follow him. Tell him about this man you saw on tiktok.

Roxy69 · 23/08/2023 23:38

I feel your pain. I mistakenly mentioned going away for a break to a friend. All of a sudden, twice she has mentioned this. It would be my nightmare. She would never stop talking, wanting to come everywhere with me. Etc etc. Not my idea of a relaxing time and I would feel annoyed as I know I would do stupid stuff like shopping, which she loves; just to keep the peace and then resent it. I know she is lonely but I am not and never will be. Take my advice and never go away with them again. Let your husband go alone with them if it upsets him.

Verilyshesaid · 24/08/2023 00:39

I don’t feel that leaving others to their own devices is appropriate if you’ve invited them to share a family holiday with you

I don’t mean this in an impolite way but I am absolutely fascinated and flabbergasted by this comment! It just shows that you should never assume that people - even close family and friends - automatically share the same outlook as you.

Most people surely think of holidays as a time when you can take it slowly, take on as few commitments as possible and RELAX and seek a bit of refuge from the ordinary demands of life. For many people, having some quiet time and reading books is part of that experience. That doesn’t mean you ignore the people you are with 24/7 but equally you are not obliged to be talking to them every hour of every day either! If you are not going to read a book in holiday, when are you going to do it?

FigTreeInEurope · 24/08/2023 13:25

If the book is a hard back, you could always throw it at her...

Trevorton · 24/08/2023 14:50

Verilyshesaid · 24/08/2023 00:39

I don’t feel that leaving others to their own devices is appropriate if you’ve invited them to share a family holiday with you

I don’t mean this in an impolite way but I am absolutely fascinated and flabbergasted by this comment! It just shows that you should never assume that people - even close family and friends - automatically share the same outlook as you.

Most people surely think of holidays as a time when you can take it slowly, take on as few commitments as possible and RELAX and seek a bit of refuge from the ordinary demands of life. For many people, having some quiet time and reading books is part of that experience. That doesn’t mean you ignore the people you are with 24/7 but equally you are not obliged to be talking to them every hour of every day either! If you are not going to read a book in holiday, when are you going to do it?

So am I. Inviting people on holiday with you does not mean you need to spend 24/7 together and put up with constantly being talked at. It's very draining and this is after all a holiday so everyone should be accommodated for their own needs. Yes it would be totally off if OP just buggered off with her family each and every day but this is not what we are talking about, it's about getting a few hours peace a day.

I go on holiday every year with a friend and have done for about 25 years. We get on very well and can both talk the hindlegs off a donkey, but inevitably we go our separate ways for a few hours most days. I like reading my book (she doesn't read much) so I will read and she will perhaps go off to the shops or go and talk to someone else at the pool, cook some lunch or watch the racing on the telly (I hate racing or watching sport).

You do not have to be attached to them every minute of the day.

IncognitoMam · 24/08/2023 16:41

Mumsnet power has worked again!! So glad you're starting to relax 😊

PrincessFiorimonde · 25/08/2023 00:33

I'm glad you had a good day, OP.

It seems that your MIL is fond of you, and wants to spend time with you. But her constant chatter and relentless pursuit of your company would exhaust anyone - even if you're normally fond of her.

However, I don't see why your husband isn't able to steer MIL away from you if he knows you're fed up with her constant chattering and her insistence on accompanying you to places like the shop, when you'd rather be on your own. Why isn't your husband spending one-to-one time with his mother, giving her someone to chat with and at the same time giving you some peace and quiet?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/08/2023 05:31

Oh goodness. This has brought back memories of my last holiday with then MIL and XH... In 2011 we took MIL on holiday, UK seaside, holiday cottage. XH and I had been having problems, to put it mildly. I suggested that XH, MIL and DD go on holiday alone. I was guilted into going with them as XH didn't want to be alone with 'that woman'. Lovely. I ignored my better judgement, and went. It didn't cause my divorce, but it certainly hastened it along. Under another user name I was kept sane just about on the right side of sanity by the good women of MN. MIL, far from being grateful, was a PITA all week. Endless talking, refusing to give DH and I any space, and MIL and DH kind of ganged up on me. I did the best I could through gritted teeth and the heavy use of the Coffee Dog machine. On the return journey, which was looooong, I was certain that this was the end. It was. Memories of diabetic XH laying on the sofa complaining after ingesting truckloads of pizza and getting sympathy from MIL. WTF?! Anyhoo, I'm not saying this kind of thing causes divorce, but I should have heeded my instinct not to go, and I would be very wary of doing similar again. These days I don't have a MIL, and the current Mr Sponge is much more relaxed about both holidays, and life in general.
I'm glad you turned it round @Holidaynervousbreakdown and am sure that you'll consider it long and hard before you do this again. Tis a poor reward, when you've tried to do a kind thing Flowers

Original poster
Holidaynervousbreakdown · 26/08/2023 10:23

Last day today, we had a late night last night so was having a little snooze on sofa bed, a knock on the door about 10, I thought surely DH won’t answer it but yea he did and in they came and sat down at the table for coffee and inane conversation despite fact I was clearly sitting up from aborted nap. Now they’ve finally left DH and I have fallen out as I said he could have gone to the door and ushered them out to the pool saying I was sleeping. Honestly their presence and disregard for boundaries and privacy has caused so much tension and stress, it’s the last day of our holiday and I just want to cry.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 26/08/2023 10:28

OP

This needs to be a line in the sand for you with DH. You need to have a serious come to god conversation when you get back. Basically you didn't get to have a holiday.
You need to be able to take a weekend or longer away yourself, he can stay home with the kids.
And since he didn't have your back with his parents this time, you're now exempted from visiting them , hosting them - forever or as long as you want.

Clymene · 26/08/2023 10:53

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 26/08/2023 10:23

Last day today, we had a late night last night so was having a little snooze on sofa bed, a knock on the door about 10, I thought surely DH won’t answer it but yea he did and in they came and sat down at the table for coffee and inane conversation despite fact I was clearly sitting up from aborted nap. Now they’ve finally left DH and I have fallen out as I said he could have gone to the door and ushered them out to the pool saying I was sleeping. Honestly their presence and disregard for boundaries and privacy has caused so much tension and stress, it’s the last day of our holiday and I just want to cry.

He basically invited his parents in for coffee in the bedroom.

He's the problem as much as his mum is

Isitautumnyet23 · 26/08/2023 11:26

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 26/08/2023 10:23

Last day today, we had a late night last night so was having a little snooze on sofa bed, a knock on the door about 10, I thought surely DH won’t answer it but yea he did and in they came and sat down at the table for coffee and inane conversation despite fact I was clearly sitting up from aborted nap. Now they’ve finally left DH and I have fallen out as I said he could have gone to the door and ushered them out to the pool saying I was sleeping. Honestly their presence and disregard for boundaries and privacy has caused so much tension and stress, it’s the last day of our holiday and I just want to cry.

You need to be firm with the boundaries (totally understand that’s difficult on holiday to have a proper conversation about it without ruining the holiday for the kids).

When you get back, make it absolutely clear you will NEVER be going on holiday with his parents. Refuse to even book one if he suggests them going and make it clear he keeps the plans to himself. If he wishes to go away with them, perhaps he takes the kids on a weekend away with them and you can have a break? He needs to listen.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 12:01

OP, your husband is awful.

So disrespectful of you.

Have a look at your marriage because I couldn't look at a man as selfish as yours.

He has shown zero regard or consideration for you.

Don't move on from this.

I wouldn't want to be around him or his parents.

Step back from your involvement with them.

I would be absolutely furious.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 26/08/2023 12:09

Send dh back with his dps. Since his loyalty is obviously to them.

Lastchancechica · 27/08/2023 06:49

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 26/08/2023 10:23

Last day today, we had a late night last night so was having a little snooze on sofa bed, a knock on the door about 10, I thought surely DH won’t answer it but yea he did and in they came and sat down at the table for coffee and inane conversation despite fact I was clearly sitting up from aborted nap. Now they’ve finally left DH and I have fallen out as I said he could have gone to the door and ushered them out to the pool saying I was sleeping. Honestly their presence and disregard for boundaries and privacy has caused so much tension and stress, it’s the last day of our holiday and I just want to cry.

This is not so much about the in laws now, but the way your dh as total disregard for you. Your comfort and well being seem completely irrelevant to him.

This issue is far bigger than a rubbish holiday with your in laws. You have a dh that completely disregards your needs.does not value your wishes and dismisses your boundaries with indifference.

The holiday has highlighted the deep issues within your marriage. I could stay with a man that cared so little for me, and prioritised his mother’ entertainment requirements over all else.

Lastchancechica · 27/08/2023 06:50

Could not