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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

313 replies

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 21/08/2023 20:21

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 22/08/2023 08:48

Have a fantastic day and don't come back till well into the night!

Mumsmet · 22/08/2023 08:52

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 22/08/2023 08:43

Thanks so much everyone. Shit mermaids has cheered me right up 😂 Just went out to the pool and firmly read my book after saying well I’m just going to read my book now! But didn’t work. She kept talking. We are going on a day out and they are staying here so I can recharge and I will buy some headphones when we are out!!

Earphones and earplugs to alternate. I hope you'll have a good day out.

Maighnuad · 22/08/2023 09:02

DH needs to step in with a firmer word with his DM.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/08/2023 09:17

I would tell them all straight. Just as you have here.

Why are YOU so concerned about not upsetting others when THEY don’t care about yours?

Talk straight, plug into headphones and if it continues properly lose your shit.

Never repeat this again.

Trevorton · 22/08/2023 09:18

With regards to the reading I would get some headphones and even if they are not turned on pretend they are and just don't engage/pretend you can't hear her. She'll get the message. Also, as others have said ask her to go to her own apartment to use the loo etc.

BeyondMyWits · 22/08/2023 09:20

Glad you are getting away for a bit.

Would speak to her about the chatting, but would also maybe schedule some actual chat time. Instead of "not now" vibes, as all she sees from her side is you with your book, 2 or 3 hours of not wanting to talk with someone who you invited to be there is probably a bit bewildering to her.
Her idea of a holiday and yours are different.

phoenixrosehere · 22/08/2023 09:24

NeedToChangeName · 22/08/2023 07:35

YABU for moaning here without telling MIL what you want

If you say you're "moving to the shade", how could she know that's your secret code for "I want to read in silence"?

Have you asked her to use her apartment during the day instead of your (obviously more convenient) one?

Why would anyone think it’s ok to talk to someone while they’re obviously reading a book in the first place????

That’s just ridiculously poor manners. MIL is more than old enough to know that and shouldn’t have to be told to begin with. That is something you tell children, not a grown woman.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 09:38

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 22/08/2023 08:43

Thanks so much everyone. Shit mermaids has cheered me right up 😂 Just went out to the pool and firmly read my book after saying well I’m just going to read my book now! But didn’t work. She kept talking. We are going on a day out and they are staying here so I can recharge and I will buy some headphones when we are out!!

Broken record 'Mildred, I did say I wanted to read' 'Mildred, I'm reading for the next while'. 'Mildred, go and find the children/your husband/your son while I finish the book'

'Mildred, for the love of god, will you leave me to read my book!'

cheezncrackers · 22/08/2023 09:42

That sounds awful OP - I really feel for you. No good deed goes unpunished eh? Well, lesson learned the hard way. Never, NEVER, agree to go away with them ever again. And this time, just grab whatever peace you can. A day out without them sounds great. Can you go out every day without them and not tell them when you're coming back, so you can have an hour's peace by the pool afterwards? I can't bear people who don't shut up!!

OnGoldenPond · 22/08/2023 09:45

Bellyblueboy · 22/08/2023 07:09

you blow her a kiss?? That is the type of thing my mother would do to make a point and be overly dramatic - oh I know I’m not allowed to speak to you but I will find a passive aggressive way to disturb you while you read and let you know that technically I am abiding by your rules!!!

my mum would pull out all the am dram moves - exaggerated tip going and everything!

Well I'm not your Mum and I really don't know anything about your family dynamics. I blow my DC kisses all the time I thought it was an expression of affection Confused

Luckily DD recognises the gesture for what it is.

BeyondMyWits · 22/08/2023 09:45

phoenixrosehere · 22/08/2023 09:24

Why would anyone think it’s ok to talk to someone while they’re obviously reading a book in the first place????

That’s just ridiculously poor manners. MIL is more than old enough to know that and shouldn’t have to be told to begin with. That is something you tell children, not a grown woman.

Show quote history

perhaps they want to speak to someone who invited them on holiday rather than wait 1, 2, 3 + hours to be "invited" to talk. Perhaps they feel - rightly or wrongly - that the op is avoiding them by picking up a book... again.

People holiday differently. She wants company, op doesn't. Compromise needs to be made where both sides get a bit of what they want.

Today will be interesting... going out will be great for Op, probably not so much fun for MIL, stuck with FIL as normal... Will op want to talk after, or need to retire with a book...

Need to make sure DH knows how you feel for future holidays.

Mammyloveswine · 22/08/2023 09:55

We went away with in laws last year and i absolutely said "never again". Was awful!! Just wanted some time without them!!

ImABox · 22/08/2023 09:56

Tell them that you enjoy their company but are tired and you can give them more of your time if you’ve relaxed. So this means sitting by yourself to read and going for a walk by yourself. Also no more going into your apartment for toilet and food from now on. Reclaim the holiday and just tell her to give you and hour to read and then she can have your attention

YouJustDoYou · 22/08/2023 09:58

My MIL does this. Non stop incessant inane yattering and gossiping and moaning. Can't stand it.

Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 09:59

I am the same as you and value peace and quiet and reading time over all else on holiday.

I have been in your position. I would continue to simply close my eyes and pretend to sleep. It was torture. From then on, we ruled out holidaying with anyone else.

Your mil sees the holiday as an opportunity to have company - you see the holiday as time to decompress. Totally opposite objectives.

Your dh needs to step in and fast.

OnGoldenPond · 22/08/2023 09:59

@Mikimoto @1stRossie

Bloody hell I'm getting a pasting here! Wish I hadn't bothered!

For the record all I do is blow a kiss in the morning and no further interaction until she approaches me. No loud offers of cups of tea, no loud stage whispers , nothing! Maybe I have a more honest relationship with my DC than you have with your mothers?

Anyway, OP, I had the same problem with my DMIL and the only thing that worked was to tell her to shut up. So do that.

viques · 22/08/2023 10:07

So where are your OH and his dad while you are being harangued by your MiL. I bet they are off somewhere enjoying the peace and quiet. time for your OH to step up his game, take his mum (and dad preferably) for a walk, or to the supermarket, or a drive to a little village somewhere for a mum/son lunch, or book them a few day trips.

Solonge · 22/08/2023 10:10

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 21/08/2023 20:21

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

Migrane? Feeling icky? Diarrhoea? You feel really rough and just need peace and quiet. Sorry for being a party pooper… make it clear you feel as rough as and just want to be left alone.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 22/08/2023 10:13

Squidlette · 21/08/2023 21:03

I get like this with my immediate family. They all want to be with me. Me. Never go to kids clubs or anything, or whatever the dh equivalent of one is. They just want to suck on my vibes. I have to be blunt and tell them all that I AM READING. BY MYSELF. Often, they all just bob about in the sea, staring at me, until i can cope with people again.

Like shit mermaids.

🤣🤣

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 10:25

Why would anyone think it’s ok to talk to someone while they’re obviously reading a book in the first place????

Non-readers. They assume that reading is a boring activity you do as a last resort and you'll be delighted to be talked at instead.

Lottaflowers · 22/08/2023 10:26

Sounds really annoying. Apologies if someone already suggested this as I haven't read all the comments, but can you ask the hotel reception if you can move rooms? If you are put somewhere less convenient then it might stop people using your room as the communal toilet/kitchen and you will have a place to spend time by yourself.
For the rest of the trip you might just need to go to a special place in your mind where you package away your annoyances and just try to have the best time you can. And then never do this again!

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2023 10:30

I’d like to know what your DH is doing when his mother is bending your ear. Having a lovely, peaceful time reading, I’ll bet!!

SunRainStorm · 22/08/2023 10:40

Your DH needs to step up here and manage his own family.

Does the hotel not have a ground floor toilet? I'd take their key back and tell them to use the one in the lobby as you might be sleeping in the hotel room.

And yes to using your words 'Shall we finish this chat at dinner MIL? I'm reading my book this afternoon and probably having a nap as well.'

'I'm off for a walk by myself, see you all in two hours'

'DC and I are heading out for some one on one time, we'll meet up with you at dinner'

And DH should back you up.

NotaDryEye · 22/08/2023 10:53

DD2 has a great saying when she has had enough of company... 'I need my alone time now. Speak to you later.'

Your MIL sounds as if she expects to be living in your pocket on your holiday and maybe she may be a bit lonely, or worse, think that you may be lonely and appreciate her small talk. I don't think there is anything wrong in stating your needs in a nice gentle manner - that you need some space alone but would be more than happy to catch up with her later over dinner etc.

TheGreatATuin · 22/08/2023 11:17

OnSilverStars · 21/08/2023 21:39

I usually agree with most PPs but in this case not at all! I feel like you're being a cow and she's just a friendly chatty lady, wanting to bond with her DiL. Poor woman! Think you should get a grip and be thankful you have a MiL who likes you, spends time with you and wants to go on holiday with you.

But this isn't bonding, is it? Nor is it genuinely friendly or about chatting. Those things are all a two way street.
This is about wanting attention and ignoring the needs of the other person.
It's the equivalent of a toddler jumping up and down shouting 'Look at me. Look at me' over and over again.
Except it's an adult and instead of soft play, it's days on end with someone who is old enough to know better.
Sorry, OP but this would drive me nuts.