Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

[Holidaynervousbreakdown]

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

We had this with my PILs. Shared a house and regretted it every year for a few years. In the end we decided to go to the same area but rent separate houses a couple of villages apart. At first my MIL text us constantly asking when/where we were meeting up every day which was annoying. We tried to compromise and said we'll do something together every other day and the other days will be just us. She did understand in the end and we have a nice balance now. She's lovely in small doses and she means well so we are glad we've found a working solution. It's better to compromise than just cut people out of your life with all the hurt and pain that causes.

I definitely think that you will have to have a conversation with your DH when you get home today. I do hope that you're doing ok, but use this as the line in the sand where you won't be going on holidays or even visiting and staying with inlaws for any significant time again. The maximum you'll do is 2 nights/3 days.

I think you need to get your DH to joint counselling. If he can’t see that his behaviour is wrong, someone else needs to help you help him see sense. It’s not just about the holiday, it’s about him having your back at all times and his loyalties.

Thanks everyone. We are home now. I know this is a DH problem. This has been so helpful as I’ve been made to feel like I’m really unkind, impatient and intolerant and reading your responses makes me think that maybe I’m not. I do feel bad because PILs said yesterday what a wonderful time they’d had and how they were so happy we went on holiday with them and I think they really meant it. DH gave me this look like I should be ashamed of myself for being so impatient with them when they said that. Have felt so low all day realising there are some bigger issues here than ILs. But also helps to know maybe I’m not the horrible bitch of a DIL DH makes me feel like sometimes.

There right to a great holiday does not outweigh yours op. Try remember that!

DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me.

Your DH should have had your back here and taken her off to talk to her so you didn’t have to!

One holiday with pil never repeated!

I can't believe they came trooping into your bedroom and sat down to have coffee while you were clearly trying to sleep - that's so rude and inconsiderate and shows their complete lack of boundaries. Anyone with an ounce of manners would apologise for waking you and arrange to meet later. As for your 'D'H, well I can see where he gets his lack of manners from, but bloody hell!!

You have a really nasty disrespectful husband.

I hope you are beginning to realise that and see the true dynamics at play.

This is definitely a husband problem and I think some marriage counseling would be helpful. We all have different needs and ways of recharging on vacation. Your husband needs to learn how to put your needs before MIL’s wants. He needs to learn that your boundaries need to be enforced, even if his are more lax. His relatives are his responsibility to communicate with and enforce boundaries too. He needs to have your back without throwing you under the bus.

I would say something like “I’m glad your parents enjoyed the vacation, but I need you to understand that I didn’t. We need to go to counseling so we can learn to better communicate with each other and make sure we are meeting each other’s needs first. I’m not saying that I will never vacation with your relatives again, but until we can establish boundaries for our nuclear family and maintain them, travel with extended family is off the table”.

I don’t know how often you see the in-laws, but I would take a time out from them. Take some time to work on your marriage and get your husband to understand how badly he failed you and do the work to fix it so it doesn’t happen again. Don’t announce it to the in-laws, just be busy (hopefully working on communicating and enforcing boundaries). Once you are a cohesive team with your husband, you can resume contact, with appropriate boundaries in place.

Can you book an excursion alone and escape for a day? Leave your Dh to handle her

My mother is like this. She begins talking even before she’s entered a room and is still talking as she shuts her bedroom door at night.

I stayed with her recently (I live overseas) and I’d forgotten how much it fries my brain. I adjust but the first day and night is an onslaught. Easier, though, to tell a mother than a mother in law to “please shush for a bit!” DH should step into bat for you here.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are allowed to have a nice holiday too.