Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

[Holidaynervousbreakdown]

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

Totally agree, and I'm the grandparent

Just be honest annd explicitly ask for some time out, don’t ruin any more of your holiday! Life is too short! There’s non reason she wil take offence if you are polite about it

I bet your husband gets time to himself.

He really needs to step up here - mum, don't use the loo in our flat, Holly's having a nap; mum, can't you see Holly's trying to read her book?; mum, Holly needs a break from everything and everyone today so she's going out on her own for a bit.

Alternatively just stay up all night and spend all day sleeping.

Start coughing and spluttering and pretend to come down with something very contagious. Something where you feel well enough to read by the pool but ill enough that MiL will definitely not want to catch it.

This.

Just reading your post OP it screams that you're a people pleaser. Stop martyring yourself and just get her told.

I think you need to take DH to one side, and say this is everything but a holiday and he needs to step in/occupy her.

I bet he's taking naps, pretending her can't hear her and you're the mug left being polite.....

And can you swap apartments so they're not using yours for the loo?

How old are the dc?

Clearly, that's my problem. I'm too funny for my family to resist.

Isn't solipsism where you think that no one or nothing else really exists unless you're there? It's actually true on family holidays.

So glad I came here for the ‘shit mermaids’ alone 😂😂😂😂😂😂!

Sorry about what sounds like the worst holiday ever… but I think this is a lesson for all. Don’t go abroad with the in-laws unless it’s absolutely compulsory like for a funeral. My FIL once suggested that we go on a cruise with all of his extended family and I had to tell that old codger in the politest way possible to do one…

Yeah just do this.. sounds like my idea of hell. I literally spend all year patiently waiting to read a book in peace on a sun lounger.

I made this mistake and invited my PIL on a cruise with us after saying we want to do our own thing a lot of the time but w could do some stuff together like evening meals and shows, quizes etc

MIL wanted the entire schedule planed on day 1 and in the end DH told her we liked to do two one hour gym sessions per day to get some peace. He was the one who warned me it would be a bad idea as we both know what they are like and I know that although she can be controlling in her mind it’s organised so she can plan ahead. They do love us both and when I was in a car accident they can up the next day to look after me (which I didn’t need, but FIL took emergency leave from work)

So was he really suggesting you holiday with them again next year? Is he not picking up on how much she's getting to you at all? It seems like it would be obvious that you're miserable but your mil hasn't picked up on it either so you must be hiding it well.

It seems like she's not horrible, just annoying so I'd try not to hurt her feelings. I'd handle it carefully for dh's sake too. The main thing is making sure that you shit down any mention of all going on holiday together again. Ever.

The one thing I would be firm on is the letting themselves in and using your apartment whenever they want to. Shut the down straight away.

Forgot to add: 6. Sounds counter-intuitive but if mil is non-spontaneous type who likes to plan then make very fixed plans for her to baby-sit, for you all to go out together, for your dh to take her and dc on expedition etc, over next few days, and that might get her off your back as you can keep saying “we’ll be doing that on Thursday remember” and it might relieve her anxiety as that is usually the cause of this underlying constant twittering. or loneliness. Either way, it might help?

She does sound very tactless and insensitive though op. I wouldn’t dream of invading someone else’s holiday apartment to use the loo or kitchen, even if it was allocated to close family. The problem is she is behaving as though your dh was still 17 and you didn’t exist. It’s not respectful to you as a couple at all. She is assuming a level of familiarity that’s no longer appropriate. Could your dh have a polite word with your fil and explain that you need some privacy? He shouldn’t have to but there you are… .

I feel your pain OP.
I’m going on holiday with the in laws tomorrow and I am dreading it.

Two words: fuck no! My absolute idea of hell. So sorry op. Lesson learned - never again..

I don’t think you can do much about toilet if it’s closer but put your foot down about using your apartment for other things.
Can you keep your door locked if you are relaxing inside?
I also think l that you need to send MIL and DH ( and kids) on a mission somewhere - day trip, buying souvenirs whatever.
Can you go to the beach by yourself or send them ?
Can you leave MIL with kids and disappear with DH?
And don’t feel guilty, tell DH that you’ve tried once and unfortunately it doesn’t work.
Do you ever holiday with your own parents? My DH wouldn’t even dream to suggest something like this as my usual answer would be: You must be joking!!!! I won’t go on holiday with my own parents or sibling …

Tell her that you need space. Be blunt and tell her to leave you alone. My DW did this to my DM one holiday. It worked. My DM tried to act all hurt but DW, DF and I all ignored her faux victim status. She gave my DW the peace and quiet she wanted.

I feel your pain! It's not even about being a people pleaser generally - normally I don't care too much and will speak up for myself but with MIL I feel I have to keep the peace because the PILs are around for life! I have been know to WhatsApp my DH with " For gods sake get your head out your fucking phone and CONTRIBUTE to the conversation!" as MIL tells me another story about someone I never met.

I usually agree with most PPs but in this case not at all! I feel like you're being a cow and she's just a friendly chatty lady, wanting to bond with her DiL. Poor woman! Think you should get a grip and be thankful you have a MiL who likes you, spends time with you and wants to go on holiday with you.

You need to create holiday boundaries (as a family). Your apartment is not available for loo breaks if any of you are in the room, sleeping or reading etc. I wouldn’t have made it available at all personally. And your husband needs to step up and stop his mother hounding you, particularly if he expects you to want to repeat the holiday in the future. He’s just using you as a buffer - to stop himself having to entertain her. If she’s bothering you he can relax..

Can you go to bed early and get up really early to have a few hours' respite in the morning, a walk/swim on your own? Early morning often nicer in hot countries anyway.

YANBU I would tell your DH to chose next time whether his goes on holiday with mummy and daddy or with his wife.

I once had a similar issue. Just wanted to read on holiday and my mum talked to me constantly. Then my dad kept asking ‘what’s the plan’. What time are we eating, where is your sister, when are the kids eating, what is the plan, will we play it by ear, what time are you getting up, will we have breakfast, what time aghhhhh.

I told my mum I was feeling stressed and was close to exploding! I actually said ‘no taking to me for an hour - this is book and pina colada time’. I gave my dad a notebook and pen and told him to write down his questions and I would answer in an hour!! If they spoke and said ‘no talking - book time’

neither of them had anything. They really needed to say - it was just irritating noise! Very thought that drifted across their mind came out their mouths.

after that one explosion all I had to do was say book and pina colda and they shut up.

Aaaaaand there we go. There's always one.

Yes! So am I 😊