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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

313 replies

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 21/08/2023 20:21

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 21/08/2023 23:06

Yyyy to headphones. Pay what you need to.

Also where's DH when she's bothering you? Can't you literally hide behind him.

Also have you just told her that you'd like an hours peace and quiet with your book? Or perhaps send her on a few errands.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/08/2023 23:18

Could you say you have sun induced migraines and can't cope with constant noise as you're in pain?
Wear earphones and sunglasses all the time
How old are DC? Could they " help"?
Would they agree to babysit?
YANBU and I do sympathise
My ex mil was like this, but i would only agree to a weekend!

RabbitsRock · 21/08/2023 23:18

I’m astonished how self absorbed some people can be & seemingly unaware of others’ needs!

Gymnopedie · 21/08/2023 23:36

OP apart from having a few gentle and totally ineffective words with his mother, what is he doing while this is going on? Why isn't he appearing to rescue you and take over the role of ear-to-be-bent?

If he's having a lovely time, taking no responsibility and leaving you to it, it's him you need to be talking to. You shouldn't have to wear earphones, schedule a two hour sleep in the afternoon if you don't want to, go out on your own to get away from her, or any of the other suggestions on here. You want to read your book in peace and there's no reason why you shouldn't. It's your holiday too.

delphi13 · 22/08/2023 00:02

If headphones don't work, go and by yourself a lilo and float out on the deep end of the pool to read. She'll hopefully struggle to keep tread water for longer than a few minutes so won't be able to go on and on at you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/08/2023 00:06

Since your parents in law enjoy the 1st floor offer them the sofa and you and DH take their space.

ElthamLemur · 22/08/2023 00:09

Why does she have a key to your apartment?

You need to be direct. “Sandra, I really need some peace to read my book”. “ I prefer shipping by myself”.

anyway where on earth is your wet blanket husband in all this? It’s not “Mum, I think R is trying to read” it should be” Mum, let’s you and I go for a chat and a drink over here” and physically steering her away. Make sure you are crystal clear with him too.

Can the ILs at least babysit for a night or too so you and DH can have an evening together?

LeopardsDontChangeTheirSpots · 22/08/2023 00:32

I'm going to say that she obviously really likes you, which is lovely. But clearly lovely in much smaller doses than you're getting.
When I need quiet time (esp family holiday) I'll vanish. Often the bathroom. No one goes hunting for you and you get to create the 'dodgy tummy' story that you can use later to get out of things that you'd rather not do without causing offence.
However, if DH is actually not spending any time with his mum, I'd probably also start dropping him in it much more with diverting her towards him. "oh Bob is always saying he never gets to talk to you/do things with you as much as he'd like. Why don't you go and have a chat with him?" I might even come up with a subject or two! And I'd be sending him off to the shops and ask her to go to "keep an eye and make sure he remembers everything" leaving you in peace. Or ask her to go on her own or with FIL.
Much as I dislike excessive planning on a holiday, this might be one where it could be a good idea. Because then you can rota in all of you going out, your in-laws going out and most importantly YOU and DH going out. I might negotiate a bit too - I'd happily make dinner if I could skip a day trip I wasn't bothered about as that would leave me most of the lovely day to myself! Plus you can spin this type of trade as a saving (eating in etc) that means you could all do something a bit more special another day.
When I'm not skulking in the loo or being slightly manipulative to make sure my DH didn't find it all so wonderful he wanted a repeat next year, I would also assert my own needs if I'm being constantly interrupted.

problembottom · 22/08/2023 00:43

Oh you poor thing. This is bringing back memories of a holiday with PIL when DD was little. If we even wanted to go for a 5 minute walk MIL insisted on coming. After dinner DH and FIL would settle into books and MIL who doesn’t read books would talk at me. Nothing would stop her.

I refused to go away with them again. When they come to stay with us I’m very polite and friendly but I also break up the time by booking appointments in advance or doing urgent ironing upstairs just to get through. I encourage DH to visit them with DD without me. He hates all this as it leaves him open to being talked at by his mum instead of me!

paisley256 · 22/08/2023 02:19

Like others have said, she won't take the hint, you have to be direct and say you're going to be reading and won't be chatting for a while. She will probably be offended whatever you say but her wants don't trump yours.

You're not ignoring her for the whole holiday and there are others she can chat to.

You'll kick yourself if you don't speak up and get home without ever having some much needed alone time.

Please please put yourself first here. Dont waste another day. You matter too. Good luck, you can do this x

ReturnoftheMuck · 22/08/2023 03:03

Your DH needs to take the key away from PIL on the basis of privacy. He also needs to be your buffer.

You need to put headphones in and pretend you can't hear your MIL.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 22/08/2023 03:22

If you lay by the pool listening to an audio book, with your eyes shut maybe she will not talk? Can she go off to some nice market or something or other with your husband for a morning or afternoon?

Fraaahnces · 22/08/2023 03:25

Have you told DH that you haven’t had a moment’s peace since you got there and threaten him with bodily harm if he didn’t take PIL and kids out for two days by himself?

Marchitectmummy · 22/08/2023 03:40

You have made a mistake inviting your in laws but now you have and they are there you need to find a way through without ruining yours or their holiday.

Why aren't you getting the message across? This huffing and trying to escape will be more offensive and disruptive than saying clearly what you like on holiday.

I would also get husband to step in and create space for you by entertaining mil.

Find a way to chat about this properly maybe over food as a group. Lay out what you want. I think the apartment thing is a bit petty to stop rgem using your toilet when by the pool. Surely that isn't a big thing if you sort the rest.

If your in laws have had a bad year, maybe have some sympathy now and be nice, honest and clear as annoying they are. They are probably picking up on the bad vibes too and trying to make the best of a bad holiday.

TerrorAustralis · 22/08/2023 05:36

No advice, but you have my deepest sympathies. My MIL is also one who never shuts up. I'd rather eat broken glass than go on holiday with her.

Mikimoto · 22/08/2023 06:15

It must be SO annoying, but I think if you planned the one big day to yourself, you'd feel so much better: get DH to organise a Thurs daytrip for the rest, with you saying "Think I'll just lounge by pool and READ"...BUT only at very last second so MIL doesn't stay too!!
And YES to the massive headphones (not tiny ones she doesn't see) and black sunglasses.
Plan B would be for you to take DC to a sporty activity that MIL can't do :o)

sashh · 22/08/2023 06:21

Can you book them and the children on a trip somewhere?

Or get them to babysit while you go out with DH?

Mumof2teens79 · 22/08/2023 06:36

Tell dh you want 3 hrs to yourself every day
Say you are going to loo/for a sleep
Get your stuff and without saying where your are going go and sit by pool of the next hotel.

Oh and definitely lock the door when in apartment and tell dh not to give her his key

Floofydawg · 22/08/2023 06:38

Why hasn't OP been back? Has she been talked to death by the MIL??

EnterFunnyNameHere · 22/08/2023 06:48

Floralnomad · 21/08/2023 20:27

Tell your husband to take them somewhere on a trip tomorrow , they are his parents , he needs to step up .

100% this.

Why is MIL your shadow??

FearTheWankingDead · 22/08/2023 06:48

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2023 21:18

I hope you write for a living!

Show quote history

Can I come on holiday with you I bet it would be hilarious? I won’t annoy you I promise.

NewYorkFirstTimer · 22/08/2023 06:55

If this was me I'd be having a complete and utter Rainman / bathroom scene style breakdown. Fuck me.

hylian · 22/08/2023 06:57

YANBU. We don't do long holidays with parents/ in laws because it's too stressful - they are nice people but it is work to keep them happy and socialise, and for us it's not what a holiday should be.

We have done it where we've gone away and spent 2/3 days with family, then me and DH have gone off and travelled/ stayed in another part of the country to do our own thing for the rest of the holiday. That meant we had family time but no one had too long to get fed up of each other. Could be a compromise?

hylian · 22/08/2023 06:59

Floofydawg · 22/08/2023 06:38

Why hasn't OP been back? Has she been talked to death by the MIL??

OP posted the thread at 8.30pm and you posted this at 6.30 the next morning - so err maybe she's been sleeping and doing actual life things?? 😉

OnGoldenPond · 22/08/2023 07:03

I'm afraid to admit I have been guilty of being a bit like this with DD (in her 20s) who is still living at home Blush

She does a lot of reading and I have been guilty of disturbing her quite a bit by trying to chat when she has a book out.

She dealt with it directly by asking me directly to not talk to her when she had a book out. She was very nice and reasonable and I wasn't at all offended. I now just blow her a kiss if she has a book out and wait until the book has gone away to have a chat Grin

Could you do similar? If she doesn't take any notice you would be quite justified in saying "we have talked about this Maud, please don't talk now!" in a stern voice.