Page 9 | Not going to SIL wedding party

Strawberry06 · 2023-08-21T14:51:53+00:00

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this; My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago. We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons; The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself! I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage. It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans. Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile. AIBU?

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 19:30

Riapia · 21/08/2023 19:26

If neither of you want to go there’s no point in going.
I can’t understand why they would be upset if someone turns down an invitation.
They were probably just looking forward to the wedding present.
Only reason I can think of.

Surely OP would still send a present even if not going?
I may be a cynic but I take a dim view of people eloping in expensive locations (unless at least one of the couple is actually from there of course!). IME most of them could have afforded a proper UK wedding, they just didn't want to spend that money on their guests instead of themselves.
Fine with me, but I wouldn't put it high on my priority list to attend.

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2023 19:30

You have no plans and two months notice. I understand them being judgy. Obviously you don’t have to go but I don’t think they are particularly left field in their perspective. Playing devil’s advocate, your full day event could be seen as more demanding as if they had to travel up, they presumably needed either a brutally early start or two nights accommodation/ away from home and or work whereas you can do theirs with one overnight.

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 19:31

Blueroses99 · 21/08/2023 19:27

Yes they don’t want to go. But I don’t see how not having any leave left is an ‘excuse’. Most people don’t have an unlimited supply of leave.

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Especially at this time of the year.
Most people will have taken it to cover school holidays and Christmas.
Depends on industry but ours can be all booked and accounted for 2 months in advance at least, depending on what we're working on.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 19:32

Blueroses99 · 21/08/2023 19:27

Yes they don’t want to go. But I don’t see how not having any leave left is an ‘excuse’. Most people don’t have an unlimited supply of leave.

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Well because you talk to your employer and work something out. OP hasn’t even tried. This is not about leave from work, that was not and is not her primary reason for not going.

KingOfThieves · 21/08/2023 19:32

I can see why they’re annoyed. I’d just go, book a hotel, do the rounds and catch up with everyone then head home. Sounds like you reeeeally won’t want to travel once baby is born so it seems like a really good opportunity to go and see them before the baby arrives.

If you’re not that close and don’t fancy it, then don’t go. But you’re really short sighted to think they wouldn’t be hurt/annoyed

Hyppogriff · 21/08/2023 19:38

Sounds like you just don’t want to go. I’d personally be livid if my brother didn’t come. 24 weeks is not that much to travel for a wedding . Also sounds like you are influencing him to miss his sister’s wedding - That’s kind of unforgivable. You’ll only end up ostracising yourself from his family and you might need them in the future when your child arrives .

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 19:38

Neither you nor your DH can be arsed to go but your MIL and SIL aren't in the wrong with being pissed off about it. There will be repercussions but you've said you're fine with it, so own it and just say that's the end of the matter and you don't want to go so won't. Making up naff excuses doesn't soften the blow.

If you were part if my family I would be going lc with the both of you though.

I travelled further in distance, when I was further along in pregnancy for a wedding of people I barely knew.

diddl · 21/08/2023 19:54

Why would people be so cross at someone not attending a party to celebrate something that they weren't invited to?

As is so often said on here-it's an invitation not a summons surely to be declined or accepted as the invited person sees fit?

Maybe Op & her husband should just have said "that doesn't work for us"?

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 19:58

diddl · 21/08/2023 19:54

Why would people be so cross at someone not attending a party to celebrate something that they weren't invited to?

As is so often said on here-it's an invitation not a summons surely to be declined or accepted as the invited person sees fit?

Maybe Op & her husband should just have said "that doesn't work for us"?

I think it's because many people have a view of the things that you just do in families even when it isn't that convenient.

OP's child will likely learn to follow their lead in their view of how important family is and sod off to the other end of the country never to be seen again once they're an adult.

londonrach · 21/08/2023 20:01

Plenty of notice, not clashing with anything, 24 weeks is easy re travel...however if you don't want to go just tell them that. Yabu with excuses. You don't want to go!

diddl · 21/08/2023 20:49

OP's child will likely learn to follow their lead in their view of how important family is

Or they might have boundaries, not be people pleasers, not whéar themselves down for other people.

Op's SIL didn't want anyone at her wedding-that's how important family is to her.

She also didn't check if her brother would be available for her "wedding reception"-that's how important he is to her!

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 21:20

diddl · 21/08/2023 20:49

OP's child will likely learn to follow their lead in their view of how important family is

Or they might have boundaries, not be people pleasers, not whéar themselves down for other people.

Op's SIL didn't want anyone at her wedding-that's how important family is to her.

She also didn't check if her brother would be available for her "wedding reception"-that's how important he is to her!

Exactly!
@Doyoumind Nice of you to assume that people move far away because they hate their parents ... never mind just the other end of the country? Have you lived your whole life in the same small town or something?

But it goes both ways. If family is important then you involve them from the start. Not as a last minute afterthought. We didn't even book anything before checking with the main people.

People usually do the 'party' for financial reasons but if this couple are staying almost a month in the U.S that shouldn't be an issue. Really smacks of CBA. If I was close enough to be considered 'important family' then I'd be close enough to ask them why they were throwing such a fuss when it was them that chose to elope.

Finally (although I don't think this is a strong point as it smacks of tit for tat) a whole day wedding presumably involved feeding and watering the guests, with a commensurate gift. A 'party' is like being invited to just the evening do. Presumably they'll still expect a 'proper gift', seeing as they think of it as a wedding. Again... if they had the money to elope, they could have just had a proper wedding if they were indeed that bothered.

indyocean · 21/08/2023 21:29

Make a weekend of it.

You cant use 24 weeks preggo as an excuse if you are otherwise well and healthy

UsingChangeofName · 21/08/2023 21:34

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2023 19:30

You have no plans and two months notice. I understand them being judgy. Obviously you don’t have to go but I don’t think they are particularly left field in their perspective. Playing devil’s advocate, your full day event could be seen as more demanding as if they had to travel up, they presumably needed either a brutally early start or two nights accommodation/ away from home and or work whereas you can do theirs with one overnight.

This.

Presumably, if you live that far away, you travel to see his family occasionally ?
So it makes sense to go and see everybody in one place at the same time on this date. Before you get too big / uncomfortable to travel.

Unless you have had a massive falling out / are no contact, it is pretty odd behaviour to not attend the wedding celebration of your own sibling (from your dh's pov - obviously same for SiL from your pov).

YABU

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 21:35

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 21:20

Exactly!
@Doyoumind Nice of you to assume that people move far away because they hate their parents ... never mind just the other end of the country? Have you lived your whole life in the same small town or something?

But it goes both ways. If family is important then you involve them from the start. Not as a last minute afterthought. We didn't even book anything before checking with the main people.

People usually do the 'party' for financial reasons but if this couple are staying almost a month in the U.S that shouldn't be an issue. Really smacks of CBA. If I was close enough to be considered 'important family' then I'd be close enough to ask them why they were throwing such a fuss when it was them that chose to elope.

Finally (although I don't think this is a strong point as it smacks of tit for tat) a whole day wedding presumably involved feeding and watering the guests, with a commensurate gift. A 'party' is like being invited to just the evening do. Presumably they'll still expect a 'proper gift', seeing as they think of it as a wedding. Again... if they had the money to elope, they could have just had a proper wedding if they were indeed that bothered.

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No. I've lived all over the place and my family lives in various parts of the country. Most of them are far away from where I am but I make an effort to see them - including my half siblings, cousins and whoever else.

We don't know why they organised a wedding abroad. Probably to avoid the stress and expense of a big wedding. A wedding party can be done for a fraction of the price of a reception.

Cosyblankets · 21/08/2023 21:47

If you don't want to go because it's too far for too little then say that.
Not that you're 24 weeks pregnant. Not that it's his birthday or whatever the next week. Not that 2 months or whatever it is isn't enough notice.
You don't want to go. That's fine. Just don't ask for validation for your reasons.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/08/2023 21:48

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:12

No I wouldn't expect them to travel at all. We have made the journey to visit them several times (twice already this year). Not once have they offered to come and visit us. I fully expect we will be visiting with our newborn so family can meet him.

Our wedding was during Covid times, postponed many times and people suggested we just get married and have a party later. I know many people did this but I would never expect people to travel all that way just for a party when we are already married. Fine is you live nearby but not 350+ miles away.

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I have to say I think this detail is relevant in the context of their reaction. They undertook a long journey at a time when travel was being discouraged and attending social events was risky because it was important to be there for your wedding. I appreciate this wasn’t everyone’s approach to risk during Covid but it does sound like they would have had pretty valid reasons not to come and I’m not surprised they were pissed off if you gave them the same flimflam that is in your OP when declining this invitation.

FranticHare · 21/08/2023 21:50

I wonder if the fact they’re half siblings is relevant. There is scope for large age differences which would account for the fact the (step) siblings aren’t close. One family I know have 20+ age differences between the step siblings. When things matter, they pull together. But otherwise, they’re not involved in each other lives much at all. Certainly wouldn’t be offended over something like this.

i think going would be pointless, requiring you to give up a lot and I suspect they’d say 2 words to you the entire evening.

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 21:55

FranticHare · 21/08/2023 21:50

I wonder if the fact they’re half siblings is relevant. There is scope for large age differences which would account for the fact the (step) siblings aren’t close. One family I know have 20+ age differences between the step siblings. When things matter, they pull together. But otherwise, they’re not involved in each other lives much at all. Certainly wouldn’t be offended over something like this.

i think going would be pointless, requiring you to give up a lot and I suspect they’d say 2 words to you the entire evening.

Half siblings and step siblings are completely different things. I find it offensive for you to conflate the two.

Canisaysomething · 21/08/2023 22:09

In this scenario I would let DH decide.

Jevwaypock · 21/08/2023 22:09

FranticHare · 21/08/2023 21:50

I wonder if the fact they’re half siblings is relevant. There is scope for large age differences which would account for the fact the (step) siblings aren’t close. One family I know have 20+ age differences between the step siblings. When things matter, they pull together. But otherwise, they’re not involved in each other lives much at all. Certainly wouldn’t be offended over something like this.

i think going would be pointless, requiring you to give up a lot and I suspect they’d say 2 words to you the entire evening.

Not always the case IMO - theres 13 years between my brother and I and 12 between me and my sister, we are all close, and we are “half-siblings”. Age gaps seem
smaller the older you get and you all become adults.

Offyoupoplove · 21/08/2023 22:11

You don’t have to travel but he should at least go.

Whattodo112222 · 21/08/2023 22:31

I'm sorry but 24 weeks pregnant (unless for medical or complications reasons) is a really poor excuse. Women go on holiday anywhere from 30 to 37 weeks pregnant!

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 23:00

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 21:35

No. I've lived all over the place and my family lives in various parts of the country. Most of them are far away from where I am but I make an effort to see them - including my half siblings, cousins and whoever else.

We don't know why they organised a wedding abroad. Probably to avoid the stress and expense of a big wedding. A wedding party can be done for a fraction of the price of a reception.

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Well this party certainly seems stress-free, that's for sure.
And I'd agree with you if their wedding abroad wasn't in the United States, a country known for low-cost destination weddings. Not to mention they're staying there almost a month. Seems pretty money saving to me!

If family was the priority then they could've had a register office wedding (definitely holds more than 2 people!) and the 'party' on the wedding day itself. A venue isn't going to charge you double if you just hire it and show up in a dress without any wedding signage or extra requirements. The U.S does that but not here. Especially as there are many international marriages and venues get that people might have been married elsewhere.

FYI I do think if OP doesn't go the H should at least. It's really his fault for digging in his heels not the OP. But this is one of those things where each side might have a valid reason for CBA that we don't know. They claim to have travelled for the wedding and so are upset at this rejection but OP and her H was insistent on giving them a wedding to travel to. Maybe OP and her H feel that just a party isn't replacing that courtesy? In fact, maybe it is OP and her H who would have liked to just elope... but family insisted on being there and so they had the wedding as planned? So... it is not them doing her a favour but the other way around?

Of course I'm speculating but recently organising my own wedding people always make out that attending a wedding is a favour. Not always the case. For us it is our family who are extremely keen on the 'proper' wedding. If anybody made out that they'd travelled as a favour to us I'd raise an eyebrow as it's them that insisted on it.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/08/2023 15:56

I'm astonished at all these people who can get extra leave agreed with two months notice. Huge parts of the workforce have to book leave nearly a year in advance, cannot automatically have extra unpaid days granted and considering the date overlaps with half term in many parts of the country its not likely to be available. That is without considering any financial costs involved. You can invite distant friends and family with that notice, you can't realistically expect them all to make it.

I have generally put things to one side for family events but this is a party the bride and groom don't even want and the DH (the actual relative) doesn't wish to attend either. The DH, not the OP, has also declined traveling up alone. It makes more sense to catch up with them on another occasion since they travel up to the DH's family regularly. I cannot see why posters are trying to turn this into another "evil DiL" situation.

If he hasn't done it already DH should talk to his half sister and agree a united front.