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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 23/08/2023 17:16

I'm astonished at all these people who can get extra leave agreed with two months notice. Huge parts of the workforce have to book leave nearly a year in advance, cannot automatically have extra unpaid days granted and considering the date overlaps with half term in many parts of the country its not likely to be available

But there is nothing to suggest either of the OP or her dh need to take AL.
I suspect, if that were a worry for her, she would have included it in her OP.

IamnotSethRogan · 23/08/2023 17:26

It's fine not to go but your basic reason is you don't really fancy it and can't be bothered, which is probably why people feel a bit offended.

Wexone · 23/08/2023 19:28

@C8H10N4O2 I can. no one else does my job. so it's up to me only and only me to make sure my work is done. as long as I have no critical meetings etc my boss Will approve it.

Wexone · 23/08/2023 19:31

@C8H10N4O2 just to note I am off Friday (only booked last week) I am also going to take Monday now as I have managed to do a good bit this week and have something needed to do at home now on Monday. some industries allow you to do this. the onus is on me to make sure my work is covered. no one will do it when off

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 19:45

@UsingChangeofName OP has said she’d need to take annual leave for the party as it’s on Friday, and she and her husband don’t have annual leave left this late in the year as they’ve already booked AL up.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/08/2023 19:47

UsingChangeofName · 23/08/2023 17:16

I'm astonished at all these people who can get extra leave agreed with two months notice. Huge parts of the workforce have to book leave nearly a year in advance, cannot automatically have extra unpaid days granted and considering the date overlaps with half term in many parts of the country its not likely to be available

But there is nothing to suggest either of the OP or her dh need to take AL.
I suspect, if that were a worry for her, she would have included it in her OP.

Several of the OP's posts talk about having no annual leave left for additional nights away.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/08/2023 19:48

Wexone · 23/08/2023 19:31

@C8H10N4O2 just to note I am off Friday (only booked last week) I am also going to take Monday now as I have managed to do a good bit this week and have something needed to do at home now on Monday. some industries allow you to do this. the onus is on me to make sure my work is covered. no one will do it when off

And? How are your personal holiday arrangements relevant to the OP who has already stated they have no leave left and its been booked far ahead?

Wexone · 23/08/2023 20:12

C8H10N4O2 · 23/08/2023 19:48

And? How are your personal holiday arrangements relevant to the OP who has already stated they have no leave left and its been booked far ahead?

Show quote history

No it's in your response to your ASTONISHMENT who can get extra leave at such short notice!!!!!!!

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 20:31

I think AL notice period and amount is roel and company dependant.

I most likely have a lot more leeway and AL than most people. But I recognise that just because I can take AL on the day my friend who absolutely cannot and has to book it months in advance. And even then it sometimes gets cancelled last minute if something comes up at work.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/08/2023 13:36

Wexone · 23/08/2023 20:12

No it's in your response to your ASTONISHMENT who can get extra leave at such short notice!!!!!!!

Show quote history

Again - your anecdote is irrelevant to major parts of the workforce, just like all the other complacent posters who assume if they can get leave easily then everyone can.

I refer you to one T Pratchett's comments on exclamation marks.

BusyMum47 · 24/08/2023 14:15

EvilElsa · 21/08/2023 15:58

I'd go personally. I wouldn't say two months is short notice, birthdays and anniversary a week AFTER -why would that matter? 24 weeks with a normal pregnancy is fine to travel around. It's fine to say you just don't want to go, but those reasons are nothing really. If they travelled to yours I'd make the effort too. Can your DH just go at least?

I agree. ⬆️

Sueveneers · 25/08/2023 10:06

Wtf is wrong with people replying? Do they live in a barn, or do they not realise that this is real life and in reality, they would not want to go either.

It is just a party. It's not a wedding. In fact, they eloped so they could AVOID having people there. So really this is just an informal catch up. And 24 weeks pregnant, OP may be nauseated, tired, and travelling 700+ miles round trip in her condition is not doable and no sane, reasonable, decent human being would expect that of her.

It's an INVITATION (to an informal get together), not a summons. OP, if they can't accept your decision in good grace, they are rude pigs and you would be better off spending less time as possible with them. The fact that your husband doesn't want to go, either, suggests he knows more about his family that us posters do.

Makemineacosmo · 25/08/2023 10:17

Sueveneers · 25/08/2023 10:06

Wtf is wrong with people replying? Do they live in a barn, or do they not realise that this is real life and in reality, they would not want to go either.

It is just a party. It's not a wedding. In fact, they eloped so they could AVOID having people there. So really this is just an informal catch up. And 24 weeks pregnant, OP may be nauseated, tired, and travelling 700+ miles round trip in her condition is not doable and no sane, reasonable, decent human being would expect that of her.

It's an INVITATION (to an informal get together), not a summons. OP, if they can't accept your decision in good grace, they are rude pigs and you would be better off spending less time as possible with them. The fact that your husband doesn't want to go, either, suggests he knows more about his family that us posters do.

Goodness. You will absolutely have changed everyone's minds now, with this enlightened post telling people that they should think just like you. Well done.

Sueveneers · 25/08/2023 10:21

Makemineacosmo · 25/08/2023 10:17

Goodness. You will absolutely have changed everyone's minds now, with this enlightened post telling people that they should think just like you. Well done.

Show quote history

The irony is I am saying the OP is completely right to decline the invite, and people should accept her decision.

Sorry that bothers you as you wanted her to think your way.

Makemineacosmo · 25/08/2023 10:23

Sueveneers · 25/08/2023 10:21

The irony is I am saying the OP is completely right to decline the invite, and people should accept her decision.

Sorry that bothers you as you wanted her to think your way.

Show quote history

Again, fabulous. Thank you.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:27

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

and yet they trekked up to your wedding. I bet they're regretting that now.

Sueveneers · 25/08/2023 10:31

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:27

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

and yet they trekked up to your wedding. I bet they're regretting that now.

Were they 24 weeks pregnant at the time and having to sit in a car for 7 hours straight?

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:37

meh. I did a lot of things pregnant that weren't strictly necessary, i was too sick at some, and able to enjoy others.

I wasn't precious about it though.

Having said that and having voted UR, i do think that people have lost the art of declining invitations. You don't need to give an excuse if you don't want. You can be gracious about it "thank you for thinking of us it's lovely to receive the invitation but unfortunately we are unable to attend. I hope you have a lovely time". Then card / present and that is it.

People also seem unable to accept people who decline invitations and want to know why. In that case, if my MIL had called me i'd have just kept repeating "we're really sorry, we can't make it. I hope you all have a lovely time and am looking forward to hearing about it afterwards"

It takes practice. But a lot of MN threads wouldn't exist if people would grasp these two easy concepts.

Makemineacosmo · 25/08/2023 10:44

They could stop for, you know, breaks and stuff.

Lots of people do plenty of things pregnant, if they can and if they want to. Most people I know just go on with life - work, family stuff, holidays. I just can't be bothered when people make excuses for things rather than just be honest. No one needs to accept any invitation to anything, but the OP has no idea how she'll feel in 8 weeks time, she might be fine (most likely) or she might not be but I don't think 24 weeks pregnant is a reason to decline an invitation. Simply not wanting to attend is, IMO. I think we all have to accept that opinions will differ (and that's ok) and that's presumably why people ask questions on the internet in the first place.

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/08/2023 10:49

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:27

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

and yet they trekked up to your wedding. I bet they're regretting that now.

Trekking up to the OP's wedding should be something you do out of enjoyment of the wedding, not as a favour or a duty that you expect to be returned on a tit-for-tat basis.

If they are regretting it now, then they shouldn't have gone in the first place.

I do, however, think that the OP shouldn't be bringing up the birthday and anniversary plans as reasons for not going. That is basically saying 'Our special occasions are more important to us than your special occasions'. Even if true, it's a bit rude to say it.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:53

they may have gone up there thinking - well, we'll make the effort in the hopes of building up a reciprocal relationship with our brother and his wife.

And in that case, since OP doesn't attend any other family events, that might tick them off a bit (it obviously has because at least one member of the family has complained)

It's not a tit-for-tat transactional thing, it's a family thing. Personally? i think OP is making too many flimsy excuses instead of just saying "no thank you" and then keeping stumm. The more excuses reasons you give, the more chance you give people to want to discuss it with you, like your opening offer in a haggling situation.

Just say "no" and that's it. Not all the drippy excuses (and I'm fully aware that even though at 24 weeks i was still jogging regularly with one of my babies, it is not like that for everyone)

Makemineacosmo · 25/08/2023 11:09

I do, however, think that the OP shouldn't be bringing up the birthday and anniversary plans as reasons for not going. That is basically saying 'Our special occasions are more important to us than your special occasions'. Even if true, it's a bit rude to say it.

Agreed. Whatever the OP, or anyone else's opinion, of the event, it's clearly important to the SIL, who thinks enough of the OP and her husband to extend the invitation jn the first place.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 25/08/2023 13:52

Hi everyone

Ok so DH spoke to his Mum and reiterated we aren't coming. She's accepted it and said she doesn't want to get into an argument (she's already fallen out with one DIL and they haven't spoken for 8 years!)

For the record, DH did originally just politely decline the invite without giving reasons but of course they had to ask and so he told them. I have had nothing to do with the conversations, I am not the evil DIL/SIL nor do I have my husbands balls in a mason jar telling him not to go to his sisters wedding.

I agree being 24 weeks pregnant is not an excuse but I still think travelling 12+ hours round trip for a 4 hour party is insane (wedding or not)

We will be in the South a few days after the party but we don't have any leave to be able to go to the party and join the two together - its just unfortunate the way its worked out and that's why I said had we known about it earlier we could have planned it that way. SIL has had the Vegas wedding booked a while so she could have at least mentioned there would be a party but I know this wasn't always the case and only since her Mum told her she should consider it has she decided.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/08/2023 13:55

i think all that is fine, but you could have saved all the hand-wringing (not to mention sneery posts about what the party actually is).

For future, just decline and then keep an enigmatic silence and grey-rock the answer of "sorry, we can't be there"

Lavender14 · 25/08/2023 14:10

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. I live far from my family and it's a complete PITA but we always make the effort to attend things because to me and dh family are important and we want to promote those relationships. We also want to make sure ds grows up seeing us promoting those relationships and want him to have a relationship with my family members as well. I guess it depends on how important those things are to you. I would drive down with lots of stops along the way, stay overnight and drive back the next day or the day after. Alternatively I'd investigate if your booked holiday plans could be moved back by a few days without additional cost. 2 months is standard for evening/party invites STDs are usually sent out only for full day events so SIL hasn't been late in that respect.