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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 21/08/2023 18:03

Pregnant, no spare leave, 7-hour drive each way (350 miles) and it's not the actual wedding, just the party - not unreasonable at all to decline. Send a card and a bottle of champagne via Amazon, and say you look forward to hearing all about it next year when you travel down to to celebrate baby's first birthdaywith them, as you said they don't ever travel up to see you.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:04

HMW1906 · 21/08/2023 18:00

You don’t like your husbands family do you?

I actually get on really well with them.

Admittedly, I don't get on with the SIL (too much of an age difference and nothing in common) but that is in no way part of the problem here. It's purely down to distance of the event, the fact we don't have the leave to go and we already have plans close to it.

I haven't even spoken to them about it. It's my husband that has voiced it all.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 21/08/2023 18:05

No way would I do a 350 mile drive for a four hour party. So crazy driving to the party then home again. Nope not happening.

it’s not a wedding either it’s a party. They’ve had the wedding they wanted, this is to appease the brides mother.

Youdontsay87 · 21/08/2023 18:07

*They travelled for your wedding

*it's your husbands sisters wedding party not just an old mate.

*you have 2 months notice

*you'll only be 24 weeks pregnant baby will still be tiny and you'll be carrying on as normal as that stage.

Yabu you should go.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:07

IsItThough · 21/08/2023 18:01

I'd switch up your birthday/anniversary plans, and fly down.

But then I like my family.

You'd just switch up your already paid for and arranged travel plans? Would you really?!

OP posts:
ChocolateCakeOverspill · 21/08/2023 18:09

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:07

You'd just switch up your already paid for and arranged travel plans? Would you really?!

Show quote history

You didn’t ask me but this is what I’d do.

PlanningTowns · 21/08/2023 18:13

Well with no leave (if its all allocated and booked until Christmas) and the party on a Friday (not Saturday) then you can’t magic the day off to get there for when it starts.

had it been the Saturday night I’d have said YBU, but it’s the Friday. However if you can work flexi to get the day off then do so. Can you not stay until the Sunday?

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 21/08/2023 18:17

I probably wouldn't go either. Having no leave is going to make it impossible anyway. But the key thing to me would be your husband's relationship with his half-sister. If they aren't close and he doesn't want to go, then that would be enough for me.

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 18:18

Not going to your sister's wedding will have long reaching consequences. Fine if your DH wants that but it's very unfair to expect it of him. It's the sort of thing you should make an effort for.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:20

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 18:18

Not going to your sister's wedding will have long reaching consequences. Fine if your DH wants that but it's very unfair to expect it of him. It's the sort of thing you should make an effort for.

It was his decision, I just happened to agree with the reasons for us not going. I am not the evil wife that's got his balls in a mason jar and says we can't go! He is not close to his sister, he doesn't expect anything from them.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 21/08/2023 18:23

I'm really surprised at some of these responses. A 13 hour round trip for a party that lasts 4 hours, on a working day, is bonkers. Even if you didn't already have plans it would be bonkers, but to cancel your booked and paid for travel plans for the party (not a wedding, a party for a wedding thats already happened and you weren't invited to) of someone you're not even close to would be ridiculous. Anyway, it really isn't your problem. It's your DH's side of the family so if he doesn't want to go then he needs to deal with them, its not on you.

neverbeenskiing · 21/08/2023 18:24

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 18:18

Not going to your sister's wedding will have long reaching consequences. Fine if your DH wants that but it's very unfair to expect it of him. It's the sort of thing you should make an effort for.

It's not her wedding.

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:25

OP you're going to get a pile-on for people who don't understand what the 'see all' button is for but YANBU at all.
They chose to elope. Can't complain about people don't want to show up to 'a party'. I say that as someone already legally married the day of my wedding but I had to as a foreign national.

Whattodo112222 · 21/08/2023 18:26

Another one who thinks you're making excuses because you can't be arsed... all your excuses seem pretty lame.

Pebbledashery · 21/08/2023 18:27

Nobody is forcing you to go. If your reasons are as valid as stated, then just don't go. MIL will get over it and so will his half sister.

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 18:28

neverbeenskiing · 21/08/2023 18:24

It's not her wedding.

Show quote history

It is though, that kind of splitting hairs is going to mean absolutely nothing to his family.

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:28

FranticHare · 21/08/2023 17:36

I wouldn't go either, for a number of reasons.

  • Your DH and his half sister aren't close
  • Its a bloody long way for a luke warm sausage roll and a glass of coke
  • You have no holiday left to use up from work
  • If they want a quiet wedding abroad then great - they've made their choice
  • All the comments saying "Just get a train or a flight" - they are not normally cheap, and rarely do they run at a time that suits the person wanting to travel (or I am just very unlucky)

Personally, I would send a nice gift / some money and suggest meeting up in the future to have a nice meal (baby dependant) together to celebrate their nuptial's.

Whenever these posts come up on here, there seems to be a expectation that the poster should bend over backwards multiple times to go the wedding / celebration etc. Preferably spending thousands on random planes trains and automobiles taking days. Its bat shit!

This OP!
Also I don't know how other people can be free but 2 months is only 8 weekends. There's a reason Save the Date cards and such exist. It's not just for people to waste money when they pay for an already expensive wedding.

Checking my diary I am all booked up for the next 3 months.

If they wanted it 'casual' then your expectations are also 'casual'. Couples can't expect guests to make a bigger fuss than they have over their own wedding.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 18:28

neverbeenskiing · 21/08/2023 18:23

I'm really surprised at some of these responses. A 13 hour round trip for a party that lasts 4 hours, on a working day, is bonkers. Even if you didn't already have plans it would be bonkers, but to cancel your booked and paid for travel plans for the party (not a wedding, a party for a wedding thats already happened and you weren't invited to) of someone you're not even close to would be ridiculous. Anyway, it really isn't your problem. It's your DH's side of the family so if he doesn't want to go then he needs to deal with them, its not on you.

They make a weekend of it. They don’t have to go to party turn around and come back. Absolutely no need to change their other travel plans as they are for the following week.

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:30

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 17:02

It has. Sort of. It originally meant to escape or flee, so you could say that in this case the sister is escaping from the traditional wedding.

In the industry it also generally means a destination wedding with 10 or fewer guests.

Show quote history

Not related to this thread but everybody and their dog seems to be eloping these days. Usually to a destination that costs more than the wedding. But they still want gifts and stuff.

diddl · 21/08/2023 18:30

I just don't understand why everyone thinks they absolutely must go.

Me neither.

It's just an evening reception!

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:30

Also elpoing is to reduce fuss but clearly isn't working in this case!

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/08/2023 18:31

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:07

You'd just switch up your already paid for and arranged travel plans? Would you really?!

Show quote history

Yes, for a wedding, which is in effect what this is.

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 21/08/2023 18:31

I totally agree with your decision, but when it comes to giving reasons, less is more. Your husband shouldn't have given the specifics. I expect this is what's hacked them off as the reasons individually are all pretty flakey.

Sounds like the real reason is that he's just not that close to his half-sister and therefore her 4hr wedding party isn't something that he feels is worth the long journey.

mn29 · 21/08/2023 18:31

24 weeks is not heavily pregnant, that shouldn’t really affect whether or not you go. It’s not actually a clash of dates, it just happens to be near your anniversary/birthday so I don’t really see the relevance there either. Yes it’s a long way but it’s a close family member and I can see why they’re miffed that you’re not making the effort to be there.

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 21/08/2023 18:32

You clearly don’t want to go and aren’t prepared to consider making any changes to your existing plans. That’s fine but they are equally entitled to be pissed off. A lot of MNers are very literal about weddings but to all intents and purposes this is their wedding, even if you are sneery about the social club venue.

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