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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:32

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/08/2023 18:31

Yes, for a wedding, which is in effect what this is.

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It's not.
Again, saying that as someone who was already married the day of her wedding.
It's really not. Just the evening reception bit maybe.

IsItThough · 21/08/2023 18:41

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:07

You'd just switch up your already paid for and arranged travel plans? Would you really?!

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Yes, for something special, that mattered to people I care about. But then, if the OP and he DH don't care, particularly, that's their look out.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2023 18:44

I think I would stop saying one of the readied you can’t go is you have plans the following week. Your hubby can fly by himself if you think you will feel too pregnant. I think a family rift will be created if he doesn’t go but if you don’t care about this crack on!

NumberTheory · 21/08/2023 18:46

Your MiL sees it as a big deal and wants your DH there. It’s not the sort of thing that happens every day, or even every decade, so your DH (and you) not wanting to pull some stops out to go is an indicator to your MiL of the (lack of) respect you both have for her and her (lack of) importance in your lives.

It sounds like a bit of a damp squib of an event, but that’s not the point. You wouldn’t be going for the event. You wouldn’t even be going for your SiL. You’d be going because your MiL wants you there for something she sees as a big life event (and that she probably feels a little cheated of by your SiL).

Unless your MiL is toxic, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick not wanting to make the effort for his mum. It would be a great gesture to his mum if the two of you went up, made a weekend of it. Told your MiL what great job she’s done raising her kids. Take her out for a meal the day after the event. Make sure she has photos she’ll love, etc.

Of course you don’t have to go. But it is gestures like these that help build up the strong relationships with family that you may want to pull on more once your baby is here.

FiftyPenceWorth · 21/08/2023 18:49

I've just voted YANBU and was surprised to see that I'm in a very small minority. Having read some of the comments though - wow - is there a full moon tonight?

My advice: let your husband handle the flak and stick to saying you 'can't go', rather than you 'don't think it's worth it'. I can see how that would sound to your inlaws.

For context, my husband and I both live far from our respective families and I would feel the same in your position. I don't expect them to travel to us and I won't be pressurised into visiting them either, whatever the reason. And yes, we all like each other fine, thank you!

pinkyredrose · 21/08/2023 18:51

Ivecomeoutoflurking · 21/08/2023 17:58

I'm with you OP. Oh, I also wouldn't be visiting them if such a long journey with a newborn either.

Newborn?

SoShallINever · 21/08/2023 18:51

In my mind there's no such thing as a half sister, they're either your sister or they're not. It's not fair to downgrade them.
I'd go.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/08/2023 18:52

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 18:07

You'd just switch up your already paid for and arranged travel plans? Would you really?!

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I think most people would rearrange plans to be there for a sibling. But it speaks volumes that you are shocked by this.

If you don’t want to go, then that’s your right but in your situation I’d be encouraging my dh to rethink. It’s very difficult to take something like this back after the event.

alexisccd · 21/08/2023 18:53

You cannot be arsed - and YABU. Stop coming up with flimsy excuses and say it like it is - you don't care enough to make the effort or enough to worry about the inevitable fall out.

24 weeks pg - I travelled from SE to a friend's wedding in Scotland at 26 weeks with HG knowing I'd prob only make a very limited part of the wedding. Because I cared.

I was going to say pls don't give the bride and your MIL the same flimsy excuses you have offered on here but I think you may already have done so. If so, how ill mannered

Sunshineclouds11 · 21/08/2023 18:55

You don't want to go and made up reasons.

I can see why they've questioned it.

Blueroses99 · 21/08/2023 18:55

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 18:28

They make a weekend of it. They don’t have to go to party turn around and come back. Absolutely no need to change their other travel plans as they are for the following week.

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OP has already said they don’t have enough leave from work at this time of year to make a weekend of it. Unless they were to change their plans for the following week. (Not everyone works just Monday to Friday, some people work weekends too so don’t automatically have spare days for travel)

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 19:00

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/08/2023 18:52

I think most people would rearrange plans to be there for a sibling. But it speaks volumes that you are shocked by this.

If you don’t want to go, then that’s your right but in your situation I’d be encouraging my dh to rethink. It’s very difficult to take something like this back after the event.

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There are two types of people though:

  • Those who think that , by eloping, the couple are sending out a message that they don't really care. So why should OP?
  • Those who think it's of equal importance as an actual wedding.

Personally I'm in the first camp. If you cared that much about family. Why elope and then have a 'party'? Which, if the 'elopement' is to Vegas and with a party probably costs the same as a full on wedding anyway.

As @NumberTheory said it looks like the party is an impetus from MIL more than the actual wedding siblings. In which case, at least H should go to please his mother, if not both. Unless she's not a nice person in which case no point trying to please her.

I do wonder why they can't postpone the wedding or make the party later? What's with the massive rush?

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 19:01

Also to add.. Oct/Nov is off-peak. Perfect time to have a last-min wedding and get late date discounts and deals. You can get a lot at least 30% off, if not more!
That makes it an even stranger decision.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 19:02

Blueroses99 · 21/08/2023 18:55

OP has already said they don’t have enough leave from work at this time of year to make a weekend of it. Unless they were to change their plans for the following week. (Not everyone works just Monday to Friday, some people work weekends too so don’t automatically have spare days for travel)

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Just more excuses. They haven’t tried. They don’t want to go, that is the beginning and end of it. Anyway, they will probably find themselves with only themselves to worry about soon enough as they continue to show their families that they just can’t be bothered.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 19:05

WongWifi · 21/08/2023 17:07

A flight to the US where you’re packed in a sardine can with hundreds of others. Wake up! Stop spreading disease. If you don’t care about covid, then at least have a little respect for an unborn child.

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@WongWifi

what are you on about?! Who is going to the uS?!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 19:08

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 18:30

Not related to this thread but everybody and their dog seems to be eloping these days. Usually to a destination that costs more than the wedding. But they still want gifts and stuff.

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Weddings abroad can be absolutely wonderful and significantly cheaper for the couple, but I refuse to buy a gift for someone if it's costing me an arm and a leg to go. Cost me over £3k for my brother's wedding and he was pissed off he didn't get a gift!

xyz111 · 21/08/2023 19:15

It's not just a party. It's a wedding reception. But it needs to be your DH telling his family why he's decided not to attend. Don't use you as an excuse.

3isthemagicnumberrr · 21/08/2023 19:15

I’m usually the first to say don’t do stuff you don’t want to. But. Don’t make excuses. I went to france at 28 weeks pregnant for a wedding, with 2 toddlers in tow. Bloody exhausting but it meant a lot to my friend (I was a bridesmaid). If you don’t want to to, politely decline, but expect long term effects given this is DH’s sister.

Skinthin · 21/08/2023 19:17

Your husband sounds like an a-hole. I could never be attracted to a man who demonstrated such little regard for his sister

BiIIie · 21/08/2023 19:17

Your reasons are ridiculous

OleMioSole · 21/08/2023 19:19

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 19:05

@WongWifi

what are you on about?! Who is going to the uS?!

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i presume PP is talking about the OP's SIL's destination wedding

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/08/2023 19:24

I thought at first that they were demanding that you travel to Vegas! That really would have been unreasonable of them.

Asking you to travel within the UK is not so unreasonable. OTOH, I hate this sort of tit-for-tat 'celebration politics' of 'I travelled X miles and did Y for you; so you've got to do it for me!' Celebrations should be enjoyable, not grim duties. OTOH I can understand your SIL wanting at least her brother to be there. If you really don't think you'd be up to it, couldn't your DH go on his own? While your physical health (and some people sail through pregnancy; some don't) could be a good reason for you not going, I don't think that the birthday and anniversary really are. Such things don't really need to be celebrated on the day IMO; and it would be easier for you to postpone these celebrations by a week or so than for them to postpone their wedding.

felisha54 · 21/08/2023 19:24

I travelled to Sardinia for my db wedding when I was 23 weeks pregnant. Cost a lot of money, it was baking hot, had to take annual leave and involved a lot of travel. I wouldn't have missed it though. You and your dh are sending out a big signal that you don't give a fuck. Your reasons for not going are weak.

Riapia · 21/08/2023 19:26

If neither of you want to go there’s no point in going.
I can’t understand why they would be upset if someone turns down an invitation.
They were probably just looking forward to the wedding present.
Only reason I can think of.

Blueroses99 · 21/08/2023 19:27

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 19:02

Just more excuses. They haven’t tried. They don’t want to go, that is the beginning and end of it. Anyway, they will probably find themselves with only themselves to worry about soon enough as they continue to show their families that they just can’t be bothered.

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Yes they don’t want to go. But I don’t see how not having any leave left is an ‘excuse’. Most people don’t have an unlimited supply of leave.