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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
SeriousLeigh · 21/08/2023 18:23

People saying how about a compromise, what about this variation or that are not seeing that thunderthunder3’s partner does NOT want to compromise! Willow reminds him of his mother, Wilhelmina was her name so he wants his daughter to have both those names. He thinks OP is just an incubator for his mum 2.0.

bobaloo · 21/08/2023 18:59

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

Your "partner" is an uncompromising dick. He's acting like a 4 year old.

Tinysoxx · 21/08/2023 19:59

I think some people are being harsh here. The father is obviously grieving for his own mother who he loved very deeply and is getting more upset that she won’t be there when his daughter is born as the pregnancy continues. He wants to keep her memory going by calling his daughter the same as his mum. I imagine the not budging with the name (Willow Wilhelmina ??) is more to do with his not being able to have his mum with him at this big life change.
We briefly considered a dead relatives name but both decided it wouldn’t bring them back in any form and the new life was its own person. Instead we kept photos out and talked about them. OP why don’t you ask your partner about his mums favourite things and try and incorporate books/ toys into the nursery that she read to your partner from what he can remember?

HappyScales · 21/08/2023 20:31

Will he go for Willow Rose Wilhelmina, or something similar, as I think that could be a great compromise and works better than Willow Wilhelmina imo.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 20:34

if it was a boy he didn't care for any sort of will name and our boy name isn't even close. he has claimed his mum "definitely sent us a girl" and he is really into that whole idea of this is her giving a sign or something which is weird because he is so far from religious or spiritual! i try to be sympathetic about him being upset she will never meet our baby, of course i do. i cannot imagine what that feels like Sad will definitely try and bring as many memories from his childhood back with our dd.

he is home again now and the name situation has already come up... told him we are leaving it for now and he just asks "well is she still willow or not as we need to know what to refer to her as" he is really brilliant at brining this up a million times and getting us to go around in circles Hmm definitely not doing it again tonight lol.

appreciate all the replies on this thread

OP posts:
Changedforthetoday · 21/08/2023 20:36

Not sure if anyone has suggested this as have not read through the thread - what about Willow Mina ?

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/08/2023 20:37

He's now getting borderline abusive by constantly harassing you - assume he's trying to wear you down which is an awful thing for a partner to do, especially when you're pregnant.

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/08/2023 20:37

Changedforthetoday · 21/08/2023 20:36

Not sure if anyone has suggested this as have not read through the thread - what about Willow Mina ?

Just read the Ops posts then - been asked and answered. Flat no from her partner.

Changedforthetoday · 21/08/2023 20:39

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/08/2023 20:37

Just read the Ops posts then - been asked and answered. Flat no from her partner.

Show quote history

That’s me told. Thanks 🤩

GeorgeBeckett · 21/08/2023 20:41

I was fully about to say just stick it in as an extra middle name, it's a nice nod to history, he's just lost his mum, some would say middle names are meant to be interesting and wacky. But Willow Wilhelmina is a bit much.

Other options

  1. Willow is a nice nod to the name in itself
  2. Did MIL have any middle names/favourite flowers etc?
  3. What about a bit more of a nod but new names - Willow Philomena? Willow something Mina? E.g. Willow Florence Mina, Willow Angharad Mina?
Bluejaybean · 21/08/2023 20:43

Just tell him he can have willow or wilhelmina, not both.

foolishone · 21/08/2023 20:43

I'm probably I heard hearted cow but I'm finding this all very manipulative. I don't really have a lot of time for mawkish sentimentality anyway but this is taking the piss.

I also agree that he is harassing the OP now. I'd be reconsidering putting him on the birth certificate at the moment!

foolishone · 21/08/2023 20:44

Fucksake. Hard hearted!

chillin12 · 21/08/2023 20:44

GeorgeBeckett · 21/08/2023 20:41

I was fully about to say just stick it in as an extra middle name, it's a nice nod to history, he's just lost his mum, some would say middle names are meant to be interesting and wacky. But Willow Wilhelmina is a bit much.

Other options

  1. Willow is a nice nod to the name in itself
  2. Did MIL have any middle names/favourite flowers etc?
  3. What about a bit more of a nod but new names - Willow Philomena? Willow something Mina? E.g. Willow Florence Mina, Willow Angharad Mina?

I’m sorry, but what is Angharad? 😂😂😂

Bluejaybean · 21/08/2023 20:46

chillin12 · 21/08/2023 20:44

I’m sorry, but what is Angharad? 😂😂😂

Show quote history

It's welsh, bit random unless op has said she's welsh.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/08/2023 20:47

It sounds creepily like he wants a reincarnation of his mum...

Olika · 21/08/2023 21:04

This man needs to chill. Constantly going on about this name thing. I don't understand why he would need to refer to her with a name as she is not even born yet. 🤦🏽‍♀️

WitcheryDivine · 21/08/2023 21:26

He can refer to her as “the baby” like normal people do

Lachimolala · 21/08/2023 22:04

Given your update is be so concerned for when she’s actually born, does he understand she’s not a reincarnation of his mother? But actually a whole separate human being in her own right. He is just being so creepy!

I’d be nervy he’d try to start treating her like his deceased mother and put a lot of pressure on her as she grows. He’s probably expecting her to be just like his mum and will be in for a rude awakening when she’s got her own personality, morals, likes/dislikes etc. Hopefully he’s not mean to her when this inevitably happens.

I’d tell him to piss off, name your daughter yourself and tell him to back off and get some grief counselling, clearly needs it.

FictionalCharacter · 21/08/2023 22:14

he has claimed his mum "definitely sent us a girl" and he is really into that whole idea of this is her giving a sign

OH DEAR. Oh dear me. If he thinks your daughter is a gift sent by his dead mum, instead of a brand new human being, conceived by you and him and with her own identity, no wonder he’s being weird. Please don’t let this weirdness affect her.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/08/2023 22:27

Bluejaybean · 21/08/2023 20:43

Just tell him he can have willow or wilhelmina, not both.

Yes this. And tell him you don't want to discuss it further until he's decided.

He's being ridiculous. It's just a name. It won't bring his mum back. It's not worth damaging your relationship over. You've compromised in allowing a middle name you dislike. He shouldn't be going on about it. I think you are in for trouble ahead. Give the child your surname.

miamiibiza · 21/08/2023 22:27

Willow Mina sounds like MIL's name anyway, so surely that's a good compromise all round?

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 08:02

foolishone · 21/08/2023 20:43

I'm probably I heard hearted cow but I'm finding this all very manipulative. I don't really have a lot of time for mawkish sentimentality anyway but this is taking the piss.

I also agree that he is harassing the OP now. I'd be reconsidering putting him on the birth certificate at the moment!

Same. He is trying to wear a pregnant woman down to get his own way. “Sent us a girl”..? What a load of shit.

I’d not take him to register her, I’d choose the name and she’d have my surname at this rate. He can get bent.

ClimbEveryLadder · 22/08/2023 09:50

Take it from me OP if you let him get away with this ridiculous name you will resent him forever particularly when your DD starts being teased over it.

My DP was very difficult over name choices but at least he didn’t pick a stupid name or try emotional blackmail, he was just very stubborn. 2 decades later I still mind that he caused me so much upset at such an important time in my life and how much it overshadowed the birth of my child.

The name choice is with your DD for a lifetime so it’s really important to get agreement without either party feeling manipulated (and he’s manipulating and trying to control you, it may be out of grief but that doesn't give him an excuse to be a dick to his pregnant partner). You’re doing the life changing work on creating this baby, your wishes should be respected.

I wonder whether couples therapy/mediation might be a good idea to create an environment where the name can be discussed rationally.