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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Adorapan · 22/08/2023 09:53

He sounds like he’s trying to bulldozer you into this. No one needs to call a baby by a name before they’re born, loads of people haven’t 100% decided even after baby has arrived. This is not a nice way to treat your pregnant wife. I know he’s grieving but this is not healthy for your relationship or kind to you - the person carrying the baby. Ask him what’s more important - the baby’s name or the actual baby.

MhairiLynette · 22/08/2023 10:06

I don’t know if anyone has suggested this but what about Willa rather than Willow as a first name. It is another feminine form of William and more up to date than Wilhelmina.

Skinthin · 22/08/2023 10:22

I think more important than the name/ mother-tribute issue at this point, OP , is that your partner seems to be weirdly controlling and v immature. It feels like this is all just about “winning” to him at this stage and having power over picking baby’s name, whether that is “winning” his surname, or his mother’s name, (without having to make any concessions of his own- eg give up Willow). This is not what picking a name together should be about! He should want you to be happy and vice versa. If he’s like this about the name, what kind of a partner is he going to be in other ways? Always seeking to get “one over” on you? Putting his needs in opposition to yours? In a constant battle for power? I would think beyond the name, and think about how you are going to manage/ tolerate the underlying attitude/ behaviour.

MhairiLynette · 22/08/2023 10:33

Adorapan · 22/08/2023 09:53

He sounds like he’s trying to bulldozer you into this. No one needs to call a baby by a name before they’re born, loads of people haven’t 100% decided even after baby has arrived. This is not a nice way to treat your pregnant wife. I know he’s grieving but this is not healthy for your relationship or kind to you - the person carrying the baby. Ask him what’s more important - the baby’s name or the actual baby.

Agree with this. One of my work colleagues had pick out the name Guy for her son. Once he was born she decided he didn’t look like a Guy and she her then DH picked something else a few days later.

I am a brownie guider and my fellow leader and her DP went off to register the birth of their child while still deciding between two names. I got a text asking which one I preferred.

Tinysoxx · 22/08/2023 10:39

Sounds like it’s a conversation topic at work if he’s launching into it when it gets back. Is there someone at his work that’s having an undue influence? Or another family member?

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 14:52

just a quick question as i know most have said to give my surname but we are actually at a somewhat compromise of willow (female version of my surname) and then his surname. to the person that asked earlier why a female form and not my surname, well, as i say, my surname is like stephenson, i would rather give her stephanie as a middle name than stephenson and i am aware i can change her name if/when we marry too but then she would not have that middle name, i hope this makes sense, but is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
Youwho2 · 22/08/2023 15:01

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 14:52

just a quick question as i know most have said to give my surname but we are actually at a somewhat compromise of willow (female version of my surname) and then his surname. to the person that asked earlier why a female form and not my surname, well, as i say, my surname is like stephenson, i would rather give her stephanie as a middle name than stephenson and i am aware i can change her name if/when we marry too but then she would not have that middle name, i hope this makes sense, but is this a really bad idea?

You are not married. Personally, I would call her WIllow Stephanie Stephenson. If he marries you then you can change her surname at that time.

Tandora · 22/08/2023 15:03

The reasons for giving her your surname are practical rather than sentimental - so giving a female version of a middle name won’t help.
If you have a diff surname to your child you set yourself up for a lifetime of needing to prove that she is your daughter. Things like taking her abroad on your own will be potentially much more challenging.

Youwho2 · 22/08/2023 15:10

If you're happy with it then go for it. However, if I was going to do it all again (which i absolutely wouldn't) I would have kept, my very shit surname, in my name on marriage and given it to my kid. Your identity and heritage is important as well. Also, I've noticed on divorce the expectation is that the women reverts to her maiden name (I won't if I divorce) but then end up with a different name to the children.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:12

he thinks it is unfair to have my surname and yet he isn't allowed the middle name. he thinks if I get the surname he should get the middle name and if i get the middle name then he should get the surname...

OP posts:
Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:13

And I guess i can kind of understand that

OP posts:
FrogandToadAreFriends · 22/08/2023 15:16

You really shouldn't give the baby his surname if you're unmarried. Double surname is a nice compromise, does your family history not matter? Willow wilhemina is an atrocious name. You should take a complete break from the name talk for a few weeks. He may be fixating because of his grief.

MisschiefMaker · 22/08/2023 15:17

Well it's a big improvement from him thinking he should get all 3 name choices.

Cascade39 · 22/08/2023 15:18

I gave both of my children with my DP HIS surname. It wasn't an issue for me at all tbh. I know I'm their mum, I don't care if they have my surname. I don't entirely understand people who aren't married getting weird about giving the males surname. If you've got pregnant after a fling then yes, give them your surname, but if you are in a committed relationship and having a child together I just don't get it. So if you don't mind them having his surname then go for it 😊

amusedbush · 22/08/2023 15:20

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:13

And I guess i can kind of understand that

No, no, no.

He is using your dislike of his mum's name to manipulate you into giving the baby his surname.

Now it almost seems like he pushed hard for his mum's name because he knew that when he said "oh okay, you can choose a different middle name... if I get the surname", it would look like a favourable alternative to Willow Wilhelmina. It's negotiation 101 to go for the nuclear option then "reluctantly" accept the option you wanted all along.

Enforceddrysummer · 22/08/2023 15:20

I gave DD my DP's surname. He left when she was five and the day she was sixteen she changed it to my name.

Skinthin · 22/08/2023 15:25

Cascade39 · 22/08/2023 15:18

I gave both of my children with my DP HIS surname. It wasn't an issue for me at all tbh. I know I'm their mum, I don't care if they have my surname. I don't entirely understand people who aren't married getting weird about giving the males surname. If you've got pregnant after a fling then yes, give them your surname, but if you are in a committed relationship and having a child together I just don't get it. So if you don't mind them having his surname then go for it 😊

Good for you and your choice. But it’s not being “weird” at all to want to give your child your surname- why did your DP what to give his?
Having a different surname to your child can create all kinds of practical challenges, and since mothers often end up the primary caregiver, it makes more practical sense for the name to match their mothers.

ihadamarveloustime · 22/08/2023 15:26

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 14:52

just a quick question as i know most have said to give my surname but we are actually at a somewhat compromise of willow (female version of my surname) and then his surname. to the person that asked earlier why a female form and not my surname, well, as i say, my surname is like stephenson, i would rather give her stephanie as a middle name than stephenson and i am aware i can change her name if/when we marry too but then she would not have that middle name, i hope this makes sense, but is this a really bad idea?

This is a bad idea because you won't share a name with your daughter. Stephanie is not the same as Stephenson. It just isn't. Passport control won't see it that way.

Not to mention, you're not married and there is zero guarantee you will ever be married to her father. Why on earth would you not give her her own name? And keep yours going forward, regardless of your marital status.

Changing names is a pain in the arse. Don't give her one assuming you'll change it. You likely won't. And you will likely regret the fact she doesn't share yours.

ihadamarveloustime · 22/08/2023 15:30

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:12

he thinks it is unfair to have my surname and yet he isn't allowed the middle name. he thinks if I get the surname he should get the middle name and if i get the middle name then he should get the surname...

He should be glad he gets input; you're not married.

You both have to like your daughter's names, and the surname should be what you want as the unmarried mother.

It really is that simple.

TrainedByCats · 22/08/2023 15:32

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:12

he thinks it is unfair to have my surname and yet he isn't allowed the middle name. he thinks if I get the surname he should get the middle name and if i get the middle name then he should get the surname...

So he sees this as a game he has to win (given he’s now in effect chosen the first name because he’s saying that can’t change).

This is a child’s name it should be about your child not about your partner feeling that it’d unfair if he doesn’t get to chose 2/3 of her name.

and legally the default is your surname if you’re not married and you don't have to change your name if you do marry, so whilst you can register her as his surname that is a major concession not something that is a what’s fair discussion.

The point a PP made about how difficult it can be if you have a different surname to your child is right.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/08/2023 15:35

I have only read your posts, @thunderthunder3, so apologies if someone else has already suggested this - but could you give the baby two middle names, so she wasn't Willow Wilhelmina - which I agree is unwieldy and doesn't flow well.

So Willow Rachel Wilhelmina, for example.

I do think Willow is a lovely name - I am well past my childbearing years, but if I was having a baby girl now, I would definitely want to call her Willow - I think it is a pretty name, and graceful too.

Poppysmom22 · 22/08/2023 15:37

Wow I love that it's so cute it'll be gorgeous go with it I say and if you have a surname with a w then so much the better

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:38

He has said he will settle on willow billie. i have googled and billie is listed as a nickname literally for Willow... ffs. if i now refuse this i look the difficult one and i know i need to stop discussing it with him and i wanted to (unless he was coming to me with a sensible outcome but i am desperate to get this sorted out as well.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/08/2023 15:39

thunderthunder3 · 22/08/2023 15:12

he thinks it is unfair to have my surname and yet he isn't allowed the middle name. he thinks if I get the surname he should get the middle name and if i get the middle name then he should get the surname...

So give baby your surname and let him choose the middle name. or his surname as a middle name.

Poppysmom22 · 22/08/2023 15:40

I feel like I should say that my middle name is Fanny and if I can get by with that then Wilhelmina will be a cake walk

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