to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

[thunderthunder3]

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

This is about more than baby names, isn't it OP? I'd think carefully about marrying this man if I were you. Regardless of what I or anyone else thinks of your or his name choices.

I’ve agreed to a name I really dislike as a tribute to my DP’s late grandfather.

well that was your choice but I would never give my child a name that I didn't like, the name would at least have to sound decent, Wilhemina is not a nice sounding name , hence it being unpopular in modern times
and it also doesn't flow with the first name

Not getting great vibes about your partner tbh. I don't think I'd want to be with someone so unwilling to compromise and see my perspective.

Is he like this about other stuff?

OP please put your foot down, that name sounds bloody terrible
Willow Wilhemina , it doesn't sound good and you know it doesn't
your husband is not the one who has to live with that name, he will get over it

she might get bullied imagine the children at school singing willow willie
please do not let him have his way
just give his mothers middle name as your childs middle name, that is what most people do

yeah he is at work now so we are getting a much needed break from the name talk! i am still very much undecided on everything but one thing for sure now is willow Wilhelmina is completely off the table, i do not want so much reference to his mum especially now he even admits he fell in love with willow as it did remind him of her name (this was never mentioned btw and i admit i always very much loved the name too) so it actually seems the perfect thing! just have her as willow because we both love it and it gets the nod to his mum but as i say when i said about mina, he seems to think he needs her actual name in there to make it meaningful.

to be honest, i have never had any issues in our relationship and when i started this thread it was genuinely about me seeing if i am unreasonable or not to pipe up about a middle name i do not like, i genuinely assumed the surname (as i said earlier on i was undecided what i was picking) and if we go with willow or not with that middle name was something i could also decide on quote easily if the argument was "yeah it is unreasonable" hence i said we would just go for our second fave name with it. never did i think it would blow into such a big thing with him and i have honestly never seen him be like this! it has rather upset me to be honest. i am hoping he is just acting out of emotion and will apologise and try and be fair about the whole thing after a day at work but who knows

my due date is 27th September to whoever asked so we do have a little bit of time and obviously we could finalise after i have had her and he has seen me go through bloody labour

you are definitely making me want my surname though but then i am still unsure what we will do on marriage and no, marriage has not been decided/planned yet but obviously it is obviously what we do want one day. am thinking maybe we just do willow and then a double surname? urgh i don't know

Do your surname and then you just reregister when you marry. Please don't make the same mistake as SO many women have.

It's making me cross that he is trying to choose the entire bloody name.

to the people saying to just make her first name Wilhelmina i honestly wouldn't do that in a million years, i hate the name, so the last thing i would do is put it as her first name and try to cover it up with everything by demanding she actually goes by willow.

his mum's middle name was her grandmother's so think it would be a bit pointless to use it again and it is also not a very nice name and her maiden name is a surname most would not have really heard of, so really doesn't work as a name either

Fuck that, ugliest name ever. Say no, it’s your body that’s going through this.

you are definitely making me want my surname though but then i am still unsure what we will do on marriage and no, marriage has not been decided/planned yet but obviously it is obviously what we do want one day. am thinking maybe we just do willow and then a double surname? urgh i don't know

There's nothing 'obvious' about it, tbh. If you have agreed to get married and set a date, you're not planning to get married right now. Just look at the numerous posts on mumsnet similar to your 'obviously ... one day ... we'll get married' sentitment and how wrong so many posters were. And how many problems it's caused in their relationsihps and how screwed over many women were when they sacrificed so much to have and look after the children as primary caretakers.

Give the baby your surname and make sure you have a job to go back to after maternity leave. Make him pay his fair share of childcare, etc.

OP this is your baby too, give her the name you want. Willow is tribute enough, your DP sounds uncompromising and the emotional blackmail when you’re heavily pregnant is disgusting. Please give her your surname. Take care X

I think he's slipped up by admitting that Willow reminds him of his mum's name and that he'll enjoy hearing "Will" as his mum was often called Will. He was obviously refusing to admit this previously but now he has admitted it you need to use this to your advantage and insist that Willow is the tribute, there is no need for Wilhemina.

You could offer to use his mum's middle name as your daughter's middle name even though you don't particularly like it. I think the fact it was also his grandmother's name makes it more of an argument to use it as it's then a family name with links to both women.

Then if he gets this middle name you get your surname. Please use your own surname!

yes sorry i just meant we do hope the end goal to be marriage and i do understand not just giving her his surname to be honest but it feels right to have both? as i am drawn to that if we do marry but it just would be very long and yes maybe i do just do my surname until we reach that point and then change it but out of everything i actually think he would be fair to ask for it to be a double surname

I do have a job to go back to i actually earn more than him haha

That’s awful OP! What about Willow Mia, or just Mia?

Exactly. The OP has to do all the work of growing the baby, having the discomforts of pregnancy and then going through the birth and yet he thinks it should all be about him?

Just give the baby your last name and change it on marriage IF you change your name. It’s better that way around, than to give her his name, then you never get married and he refuses to ever let you change it. Give yourself options.

Id take the last name off the table though, it’s not up for discussion, focus on the other names, and refuse his ridiculous suggestion. I think you really need to assert yourself. Is he normally like this when you disagree with him?

yes but just say we did break up and our relationship didn't work out i would not want to change her surname if it was a double surname I would be more than happy for her to always have her mum and dad's surname regardless of our relationship status, it seems most fair

Going against the grain, I actually think Willow Wilhelmina is really cute! And Wilhelmina is quite fashionable currently.

Could you add in a 3rd name? Both my kids have 2 middle names for reasons.

If middle names are irrelevant and don’t matter then you could also say that it doesn’t need to be Wilhelmina.

Random thought! What about going with something like Willa? There’s a character in Succession with that name and I think it’s really pretty.

I think you should summarise to your DP that you both like the name Willow, and that he has acknowledged that it is also a tribute to his mum. Then be clear that under no circumstances will she be named Willow Wilhelmina as that would be an embarrassing, ridiculous name and your child's experience of her own name is simply more important than his memory of his mother.

If he won't engage with you to compromise on either the first or middle name then instruct him that you will take the baby to registrar without him and call her what you like, which is your right.

I would suggest very strongly to him that insisting upon the middle name Wilhelmina will mean the following:

• Not having the first name Willow and the nickname "Will" which he obviously likes a lot and references his mum

• You disliking the middle name which is a pretty big compromise and should mean that you have a free rein to decide your next child's middle name without his approval

• He has used up the tribute to his mother and there is no guarantee that a future child will be called William or Willow or any other Will name.

I think that is very reasonable. Don't go back and forth on this. State your position and refuse to engage in further debate. You are pregnant and going to give birth to this child FGS.

It is absolutely ridiculous and very selfish of your DP to believe that he can dictate both your daughter's first and middle names, particularly when his choice is frankly ridiculous - that's true no matter how much he loves his mum who passed away. You can give her whatever surname you want and his preferences don't come into it and that is also not a bargaining chip for him to try to use in this decision. Deciding the surname is your privilege as the mother, something for you to think about and decide and not something he is "giving" you under any circumstances.

I think she was saying that they have chosen Willow as her first and that Wilhemina a a second name is not going to work.

Willow Wilhelmina is pretty marmite and most people would hate it. If you both loved it fine but definitely one that needs both parents enthusiastically wanting it. Calling her Willow (or Willow Mina which is basically just … Wilhemina) is more than generous on your part. Why are you making all the compromises here? if he wasn’t involved what would your ideal name be? That’s your starting point, Willow Wilhelmina is his and see where there’s room to meet. I’d be giving her my surname as a non negotiable thought. Change it if you want to if you do get married and take his name.
The more I type Willow Wilhelmina the more I think this has got to be a wind up. If he is genuine then do remind him that your daughter is her own person not some weird rerun of his mum. I speak as someone who used part of their mums name for her daughter - but she has her own names too!

It does not "need" to be anything, but it would mean something to her dad and maybe the child herself. It is an irrelevance as it does not need to be used, ever. The sentiment has value however.

So he thinks it's acceptable that you're:

Giving up your first choice of first name (Willow)
Giving up your second choice of first name (olive)
Giving her a middle name you hate
Giving the child his last name.

He does know that you're the mother, right? not just a vessel to carry his child?

What if you have a boy next @thunderthunder3 ? Will he want Will William??