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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

471 replies

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 11:55

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

OP posts:
NoDought · 21/08/2023 19:51

Maybe you could write a letter to his ex wife and children explaining what you have on your post. You may not get a response but it could be cathartic for them to read what you have explained and it may give them some comfort. Currently they will likely feel like you’re that woman who ruined their family and can’t associate any remorse or personality with you. You may not get anything from it but they may get some comfort so it’s worth a try.

Dee9409 · 21/08/2023 20:01

It sounds like you’re upset that he could just leave his DC, now that they are older he can choose to contact them but he doesn’t, that is nothing to do with you. You have punished yourself enough and you need to move on, like you said your relationship is really good, life is too short, see what’s in front of you, a partner who loves you and children who have a great dad and a great mum. You have repented enough for yourself and if/when his other dc gets into contact let them deal with it and if you have an opportunity then you can make it clear how sorry you are. You are not allowing yourself to be happy which is sad. Enjoy these years with your children you will never get to have fun with them at this age again. I hope you find the solace that you need and deserve. Anyone on here berating you needs to look in the mirror. EVERYONE makes mistakes, we all deserve second, third chances. Peace x

Loopylambs · 21/08/2023 20:06

Palacelife what makes you think he wasn’t sleeping around with anything that moved ?

Illbebythesea · 21/08/2023 20:10

and while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

How can you love such a selfish prick?

VaccineSticker · 21/08/2023 20:19

He was not happy with his marriage. He chose to close that chapter and to be with you. Move on.

christina1971 · 21/08/2023 20:19

Not sure what you want to achieve with this post.

Bluebellsarebest · 21/08/2023 20:21

OP, everyone here on Mumsnet has made mistakes, we’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. Many of those things will have caused pain and hurt for others. You describe your desire to ‘win’ - whatever was driving that then in your young years wasn’t based on anything evil or cruel, it would’ve been based on immaturity. The situation is what it is, but it is clear that you’re a good person, able to reflect on yourself, and capable of great empathy and care. I think you need to find some self-compassion, perhaps some counselling so that you can better understand who you were then, and from there move forwards with the reconciliation you desire.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2023 20:29

while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

That's fucking cold. I'd have serious doubts about him as a human being. There was the option of just leaving without shagging a 10 year younger woman. But he didn't.

Livelovebehappy · 21/08/2023 20:30

FrodisCapering · 20/08/2023 12:12

He's the one who chose to leave his family.

The fact he left within 8 weeks suggests that he really was not happy.

As long as he supported his kids throughout the years, and was fair in the overall settlement, he acted in his best interests.

Don't beat yourself up. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either.

So because he has apparently financially supported his dcs he’s a decent father? I’m guessing his dcs were young when he left and probably didn’t make the decision to not see him themselves? He could have fought to see them through the Courts if his ex had stopped him seeing them,that’s if he had really cared. Clearly he didn’t give a toss, as seems he didn’t try hard enough. I just couldnt respect someone who behaved like this. Not a nice person is he?

Jl2014 · 21/08/2023 20:31

It’s not maturity. You have no empathy because you don’t care or understand other people’s situations unless they are aligned with your own. You only care now because there’s much more chance he will do it to you as you are more in his ex’s shoes as she was then. I think your fake regret is bargaining because you don’t want history to repeat itself.

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 20:38

The main issue is his kids. Things break down the man left his wife and let's be honest most don't. Time has passed let it go

BlastedPimples · 21/08/2023 20:41

I just don't think there's anything you can do about this.

What's done is done. I hope it doesn't happen to you too - that your family faces destruction in its current form because of your h's wandering penis and some other woman wanting sex, enabling his betrayals.

The dcs from your h's first marriage don't want to know him - to most people that would be a source of great pain. Is he bothered at all about that? Has he done anything to try and build bridges? I guess it's a constant reminder of the damage and hurt you both caused.

I would just get on with life and just try and make better decisions in future.

namechangnancy · 21/08/2023 20:43

Jl2014 · 21/08/2023 20:31

It’s not maturity. You have no empathy because you don’t care or understand other people’s situations unless they are aligned with your own. You only care now because there’s much more chance he will do it to you as you are more in his ex’s shoes as she was then. I think your fake regret is bargaining because you don’t want history to repeat itself.

Your not covering yourself in glory in this comment either. At least op recognises she made choices that she now wouldn't.

I strongly suspect you won't have the ability to self reflect on what's made me say this to you either.

You wanted to shame someone who's also doing 10x worse to themselves. What do you get out of a comment like this ? A warm glow.

I say this as the ex wife who was cheated on and now has a spit home 🤯

namechangnancy · 21/08/2023 20:46

Also I will say it again for the people in the back.

Op feeling bad or guilty will not stop this man from doing it again. Because the man broke his marriage vows so deficiency is with him. He has as much chance of cheating as he always did regardless of what op does.

If he cheats it won't be because of op and just like the ex wife it wasn't because of anything she could have done.

Fuck me some Christ awful comments on here ...

Joeylove88 · 21/08/2023 20:47

Try not to beat yourself up do much about the past OP. I think it's good that you have become aware of the impact of your behaviour back then because everyone should have awareness and accountability of their actions which sadly many people lack in! But torturing yourself over it won't change anything and will only cause you unnecessary stress. I must admit that your H sounds like a bit of an asshole for basically abandoning his older DC. If I had been him I would be walking on fire to make a relationship with my child after what they would of been through so from that point of view I would be put right off him for being a shit father to his eldest! That's on him though and not you. I hope you manage to find some peace of mind soon.

ThePenIsBlue · 21/08/2023 20:48

I’m glad you feel guilty. I hope your “D”H has another affair and leaves you and your kids behind in his wake. But I’m sure you’d think he could never do that…

as a late teen/ early 20 year old I had enough morals not to screw a married man. So did my friends. Being young or immature doesn’t excuse you (or him) from being a scumbag.

Frisate · 21/08/2023 20:48

I know you wrote this because you think you deserve the pain that will come with the comments - your self hatred is such that you’re basically self flagellating.
Honestly OP, and this is coming from a married woman with children who very much loves her husband and would be devastated if he left for someone else, you’re just human. You made a mistake (your husband’s mistake was much worse in my opinion) and that happens. Life is difficult and complex, bad things happen and people get hurt. Focus on being a good person, take care of your family and friends, be kind to those who cross your path and work on forgiving yourself. You’re still very much in a position to do more good than harm in this world.

itsamedicalmystery · 21/08/2023 20:50

I'm the daughter of a dad who had an affair, left us with mum and went on to marry another woman. My brother and I chose to have no contact with him, mostly due to how quickly things happened. There was no time to adjust, this new woman was here, she was moving in (my mum left the family home), and they were getting married. That was 21 years ago now.

You say he's sad about no context but glad they're happy. If they're anything like my dad, I can tell you he will be feeling much different to this. My Grandma tells me regularly how my dad "aches" for us, how he regrets his actions and if he could go back in time, he would. He has reached out a few times, but those few years he missed were crucial - my GCSEs, A-Levels, getting married etc. So I bet, deep down, your DH is feeling like shit too. And so he should.

ThePenIsBlue · 21/08/2023 20:50

Also, he sounds horrible. Cheating on his wife and leaving behind his kids without making any effort with them. You deserve each other. 🤮

nationallampoons · 21/08/2023 20:51

Sorry OP I know you're happy now but I hope the same thing happens to you

It's happened to me and it broke me and my kids. She knew I existed and I blame him more than her obviously

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2023 20:51

ThePenIsBlue · 21/08/2023 20:48

I’m glad you feel guilty. I hope your “D”H has another affair and leaves you and your kids behind in his wake. But I’m sure you’d think he could never do that…

as a late teen/ early 20 year old I had enough morals not to screw a married man. So did my friends. Being young or immature doesn’t excuse you (or him) from being a scumbag.

FFS wishing harm on children so that a 16 yo spite is avenged?

Properly bonkers.

midlifemaid · 21/08/2023 20:52

Frisate · 21/08/2023 20:48

I know you wrote this because you think you deserve the pain that will come with the comments - your self hatred is such that you’re basically self flagellating.
Honestly OP, and this is coming from a married woman with children who very much loves her husband and would be devastated if he left for someone else, you’re just human. You made a mistake (your husband’s mistake was much worse in my opinion) and that happens. Life is difficult and complex, bad things happen and people get hurt. Focus on being a good person, take care of your family and friends, be kind to those who cross your path and work on forgiving yourself. You’re still very much in a position to do more good than harm in this world.

Exactly this

ImWally6 · 21/08/2023 20:56

Everyone does stuff when they're young that they regret.

A lifetime of punishment won't fix or take back what happened years ago.

You need to forgive yourself.

If you were young 16 years ago, I'm guessing that you're still youngish now (40s?) Therefore you still have a long way to go and living with regret won't bring you any peace.

namechangnancy · 21/08/2023 20:58

itsamedicalmystery · 21/08/2023 20:50

I'm the daughter of a dad who had an affair, left us with mum and went on to marry another woman. My brother and I chose to have no contact with him, mostly due to how quickly things happened. There was no time to adjust, this new woman was here, she was moving in (my mum left the family home), and they were getting married. That was 21 years ago now.

You say he's sad about no context but glad they're happy. If they're anything like my dad, I can tell you he will be feeling much different to this. My Grandma tells me regularly how my dad "aches" for us, how he regrets his actions and if he could go back in time, he would. He has reached out a few times, but those few years he missed were crucial - my GCSEs, A-Levels, getting married etc. So I bet, deep down, your DH is feeling like shit too. And so he should.

I'm sorry this hurt you.

But I truly hope you blame your dad for breaking up your family a hell of lot more than his wife.

Repeating again - a man can't be stolen, forced to do anything he didn't want to.

namechangnancy · 21/08/2023 20:58

Frisate · 21/08/2023 20:48

I know you wrote this because you think you deserve the pain that will come with the comments - your self hatred is such that you’re basically self flagellating.
Honestly OP, and this is coming from a married woman with children who very much loves her husband and would be devastated if he left for someone else, you’re just human. You made a mistake (your husband’s mistake was much worse in my opinion) and that happens. Life is difficult and complex, bad things happen and people get hurt. Focus on being a good person, take care of your family and friends, be kind to those who cross your path and work on forgiving yourself. You’re still very much in a position to do more good than harm in this world.

This with fucking bells on