To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Sorry for my previous post, I posted in haste. I just remember the hurt it caused my family

His ex is probably grateful to you, haven’t you thought of that? I bet their life was hell.

Of course I’d never wish harm on a child. But kids are resilient. their dad (and mum) is a
scumbag. Whether he leaves or not….

Life is too short. Being bitter isn't going to achieve anything. Sometimes you have to draw a line.

You literally said that you hope he leaves OP's children. What do you call that if not wishing harm on a child? Interesting that you can make comments like that and still kid yourself that you occupy the moral high ground.

And FYI, kids aren't any more resilient than anyone else. That's a line that gets trotted out to justify shit behaviour (or in your case, wishing harm upon them) from adults. Children often don't have the tools or maturity to express their feelings in a way that adults can understand, but they are still just as likely to be traumatised and harmed as any other human being.

I think that so much time has passed and you need to find a way to live with the guilt. For me personally a man who said that he would rather not see his children again than be in an unhappy relationship would be unlovable, this attitude of his would be the biggest problem.

Ok. You’re right, I didn’t think through my post about the children fully. How about “I wish your husband has an affair and breaks your heart but you aren’t in a position to break up, and so stay married and stay as a family.” Is that ok?

Well no. Because the person breaking his vows twice is getting both laid, and to stay married. That's not a universe in balance.

How about the OP cheats on him and she still feels bad?

namedchange agency- where you and I are the same - is my DH like yours did - destroyed the family etc.
Where we differ is absolving the OW of blame - they are culpable and not innocent.
For me she was a family friend - who knew we were having a rough patch - girls chat - think illness, death etc and I knew she had always fancied him. She continued to be friends with me, get information out of me about what was happening on the pretext of supporting me and then manged to be so "knowing" and able to him about issues. Far more mental fuckery done by her than by him - until i found out.

OP is to my mind, saying she is not happy with where she is in this journey she embarked on but I do not have empathy, feel sorry, I feel nothing for her pain but wish her well and the bed she has chosen to lie in.

Just don't try to shift blame onto other people

Yes, this is what I was going to say. There are many ways of framing a narrative and it would be much better for him to say they were too young when they got married or whatever, but he did marry his first wife and he must have done that for a reason, and he did have a child with her, and he’s basically wishing that away. That is pretty awful.
This, combined with the fear you say you have that he will leave you and your DC, is the heart of your anxiety. Knowing that your husband is this kind of person and in your youthful naïveté, you did not see this, you thought you were winning over his first wife.

You don’t say why you broke up with the father of your first child, but I am wondering if you were scared of being a long term single parent and wanting the happy family which everyone tells you that you will find (when actually, as a single parent, it would be better to tell you that it is okay to be single and focus on yourself and DC). You know, the ‘don’t worry, you will find someone better’ script, even though finding someone else right away when you are single with a small child is usually not the best idea.

@uneffingbelievable I think your situation is slightly different as you may have been friends with the ow before hand. That's a double betrayal although I would put emphasis on your ex than her

Op states that she wasn't friends with the wife or even had contact since.

I don't believe op is innocent but hardly call switching the focus to the man who broke his marriage vows as the main "bad" guy is hardly shifting blame away from a "innocent" man.

I still also think that actually his actions are far far worse, with the cheating element just another shitty thing to do on top of a shit pile list.

But your right I do believe in redemption and I do believe in second chances and that people fuck up and morally bad choices.

That doesn't mean that same as being a shitty partner means they are automatically a shitty dad (which ops dh is here clearly)

People are more than the actions of their teenage early adult years. If reflection is made painful people won't reflect. As a person with asd I have to reflect a lot, as the world dictates that to thrive you have work on your weaknesses. This is mine.
Always a lightbulb moment when you realise if you take the shame away from a situation you aren't proud of and truly reflect, you will be 100% more likely to learn your lesson.

Op clearly has, her dh not to much.

Anyway rambling over. I get what your saying and again your certainly in the majority and entitled to feel how you feel.

But I personally have a hard time reading all this vile at op, when it seems like a lazy excuse to kick someone when they down because of a choice they made as a teen enable the poster let off a bit of steam.

There's a person on the end of this op.

Stop blaming yourself. I hate this blaming the OW, his responsibility not yours, you weren't in that relationship but he was. You did not wreck their lives, you were not in their lives, he was.

OP you're being too hard on yourself, you were immature and did a selfish thing, but don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up. Maybe get some counselling to move on a bit.

Your husband on the other hand sounds like a bit of a dickhead. He was older than you when this happened, so doesn't have the excuse of being young and stupid - he also told you he wished he had never met his ex wife? Ouch.
What a way to absolve himself of any guilt or responsibility for leaving...she was so horrible he should never have married her - I mean she didn't force him down the aisle did she?

As for him not bothering to see his child, it just shows callousness. It may have been difficult, but he should have fought tooth and nail to maintain a relationship with his child. That's what a decent parent does. So she didn't want to meet you, so what? He should have met up with her alone and maintained proper contact. Could you imagine leaving your children and never seeing them again?

I think the real issue here is you've landed yourself with a selfish dud.

My dad left my mum for another woman. It was devastating at the time BUT as an adult I can see that neither of them was happy in the marriage. My mum was very lonely at first but went on to focus on her career and find it rewarding, then she met her husband and is very happy. So I don't blame my dad and I don't blame his wife, she's an arsehole but that's due to her personality not her actions years ago.

I suppose my point is that life happens, it's best to acknowledge the bad circumstances (as you are) and move on to living a good life.

@namechangnancy oh absolutely I blame my dad. He's on wife number 5 anyway, so my anger towards wife #2 would have been short-lived anyway.

My issue was the slow drip feed blaming the EX for poisoning the children that OP started to do- it was like she was trying to make out he was not as bad as he sounded.

Agree -double betrayal in my case - I lost my husband and friends over what happened. I found out who my true friends were and those who came crawling back - as truths emerged over the next 18 months - got short shrift!

I get on phenomenally well with my EX, do not trust him at all but we have 2 DCS who transcend the infuriating things he still does. Also helped by him splitting with the OW - after they had a DC. Said DC - not sure what that relationship is called - comes into my house, plays with his sibs and is very comfortable and relaxed here.
Requires a deep breath as said DC is now of an age to say things like - if you did not exist then my mum and Dad would be together or my mum hates you. The irony is not lost on me but this is child who will in years to come - understand in his own time that not all things are as our parents tell us.

So - no have never or will ever forgive the OW. She still has an effect on my life - but my DCS knwoing their sibling is more important - than arguing by proxy with said person
EX new DP is lovely - no issues on either side there.

your post reads a lot like an angry ex wife pretending to be the ow than the ow. If it’s true, it’s sad that your dh doesn’t have any relationship with his older children. I don’t have any relationship with my father now - because he’s a rubbish dad not because he had an affair (he did but I could see how unhappy my parents were).

Meh. Sow chaos, reap chaos. Enjoy, you deserve it.

I'm sure his DC have been told he was unhappy in the marriage and to leave his family for you after only 8 weeks says a lot. I think the main reason you feel guilty is due to DH DC having nothing to do with him. I've known of two marital breakdowns for the same reason. I've never known the DC opting to ostracise their father for good. It usually took a lot of communication but they all came round eventually as did their mothers who became happier in new relationships.
I say stop beating yourself up for a situation that given the state of his marriage was inevitable. If you had been older and wiser you may have gone about it differently eg making sure DH was seperated before you officially got together but what's done is done & you can't change it.

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them.

It sounds like he’s paid a big price for his decision.

OP forgive yourself. There is zero point going over and over it. We have all acted in ways we wouldn’t choose as young adults. Mumsnet goes to town on affairs but we are all human beings with flaws. It could very well be that your husband won’t stray and I have known this to happen several times. Obviously leaving your family isn’t justifiable but lots of men and women leave their spouses and have s as successful relationship with OM or OW. Mumsnet don’t like that but it is what it is.
Also your husband was more at fault in this whole situation. Honestly don’t beat yourself up anymore.

I think you posted this to try and absolve the guilt you feel. I get the feeling that it's not just the circumstances that you met under that makes you feel guilty but every happy point/event you've had in your life with him and DC that you feel uneasy/guilty about. As others have said no point in beating yourself up about it as what's done is done and you can't change it. It was a terrible thing to do but nothing that squillions of other people haven't done and squillions more in the future.

Hopefully his Ex found happiness too

Tbh, I don't think you should feel so bad. I had a 1 year old when my ex shacked up with another but things weren't right and I played a part in that. Now I just think it was for the best as my son loves his young siblings and stepmum. (It was over 10 years ago) I find it difficult to believe he was super happy and all amazing before you came along in reality? It's self reflective of you to care about the hurt so maybe just instil that energy into your kids and how you teach them to treat others

What I'd do now is stop the regret. It's done and you have kids and a life. The number one issue I have is regards his adult kids. I don't believe for one minute he has fought to reconcile if that's the status. I would never stop fighting, apologizing and taking responsibility for the upset if I were him. I sense he definitely hasnt tried hard enough there . That's the part maybe you can help him with? It's tragic and quite telling about him tbh not you.

That breaks my heart to read that! You’ve paid a high price for your “ mistakes”you were young and everyone does things they regret. Please don’t beat yourself up. You have a happy relationship and happy children. Forgive your self! Much easier to say, than do I appreciate! I am still working on that one!!
you are a good person now. Try to be kind to yourself. You would forgive a friend! Try forgiving your self. I wish you well. Life is tough! X