To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Agree, I would no doubt be bitter.

But a bad husband is not a bad father necessarily, so if the mother wants the best for their children, surely she sound encourage or allow a relationship.

What child wants to feel that a parent doesn’t want them? Which is often why they turn away from the father. It’s the relationship between husband and wife that’s broken down, not the parental relationship.

i would never want a man to stay with me “for the sake of the children”. Just waiting for them to leave home.

We have had this situation in our close family and I completely agree Shade

Op please ignore uneffingunebeliable poster.

She posts a lot nasty stuff on here at random ops because of her own personal issues she hasn't worked out yet.

Getting to the actual point of why I'm posting.

Op I was the wife (now ex wife) in this situation. And although you might never get forgiveness from your dh ex, so try to take the forgiveness from me. I forgive you, you need to move on from this.

To give you the backstory my ex cheated while I was pregnant with my dd after losing our first son who was born sleeping. It went on a lot longer than your situation and his wife is now sm to my dd and they are happy, she's kindly to my dd and I like her.Best of all with hindsight so I am happier (I wasn't at the time obviously)

You can't steal someone or break a family up if the husband doesn't want to be "stolen". Ultimately my ex made the marriage vows to me and he broke them.

Mumsnet has this weird obsession with if a issue caused by a man, that we blame any of the females in the situation with equal if not harsher punishment.

Also as a previous person pointed out spouses cheating shouldn't be a bar to contact with the kids. In a ideal world the adults keep adult matters to themselves (not to protect their cheating exs) because slagging off the child's other parent is damaging to the children. Children don't need to know about adult matters. If any adult did this to their ex no matter how hurt they were - they are not blameless for the fact their children have no relationship with their kids. I couldn't do that to my DD. Personally my child comes first and that means not letting them know until they are adults what happened (if at all).

I'm gonna get a load angry messages now after this but I said what I said.

Well I think you’re amazing, I also think letting go of bitterness has meant a happier life for you also
.

It's not just that. Children see their parents' behaviour and they judge it. They see how other people are treated. It's not even that he left the family, it's about how he hurt their mother while doing. It's the way he did it. That's what they judge him for. That's why they refuse to see him while he is still with the affair partner.

They probably do judge their mother for cutting contact with grandparents, but may see that as more understandable under the circumstances. Or maybe they accept it because she is the only one that stuck by them.

Broken homes don't break children. It's the way they are broken that does the damage.

My mum was wildly bitter after she and my dad split up. Really messed me up. But what also messed me up was the lack of effort from my dad to prove I was still important to him. Instead, he didn't fight, he just accepted my anger, sent money, and started a new family I have very little to do with. This is very common.

OP I feel you are starting to blame you husband's first wife, inferring she encouraged her child to have nothing to do with father/grandmother. I would suggest unless you know for a fact you need to stop with your guessing. It's good that your own children know how your husband & you got together it will stop them finding out in future when their opinion of you may change (especially if their future partners do the same to them as you did - it could happen). Please stop your pity party - whats done is done - i think you just need to learn to live with the guilt & recognises your husband for what he is.

So this happened in my family my dad left remarried when I had just started high school and they quickly had another kid they also moved really far away. I got a lot of grief for wanting to still speak to my dad from my mum and my siblings and as it was pre mobile phones it was easy for contact to to slip and it did until I was in my mid twenties when we started emailing each other and we eventually met up. It was really odd at first as he’d not met me as adult so it was like starting again. He still lived far away so it was hard to build up a relationship again but we have and him and his wife are part of my child’s lives and I get on with their kid. I actually really like his wife. My mum is still furious with both of them though but my siblings have a relationship with him too.

@BlastedIce it's not that I totally don't get the anger. I really do.

But my anger goes towards my ex but even then that's about me and him.

Not him and my dd. Now if he doesn't show up for my dd it's a different kettle of fish. But he does and I do my best.

People are human but my contract and marriage was with him. Not her.

@namechangnancy do you think you might have felt different if your DD had been old enough to witness her father walking out the door? In your case, she wasn't aware of anything, so it was only you who got hurt when he left. I imagine it might be a lot harder when a mother sees her child also being hurt by the actions of her father.

I don't know if I'm honest. With older children it must harder. That said a newborn with two homes and another mother figure in that newborn time was tricky. I was v low.

I didn't act well in the beginning I know that. Time has probably helped this massively. I would still I would hope act similarly because I still have the questions children have like why doesn't daddy live with us, why do I have different homes and the upset that only a child can bring to those situations.

I am 7 years in mind so that helps. But I have read enough of children from broken homes having loyalty ties and the damage that does so for me, I have tried to let any anger go.

Life it too short. And I know that better than most (and maybe that's the lesson my sons life taught me)

9 year ago my world was torn apart because of a younger woman 10 years together was over in weeks . He left me for her within a few weeks she was 19 nearly 20 i was im my 30s as was he she was doing the i won dance .
Every 10 lies he told me he told her 20 .
9 years on i am so pleased he did it we had no children thank god he now has 3 kids under 6 he has cheated on her 3 times so far and me well i do a lot of travelling and doing everything i enjoy and wanted to do i did not see it at the time how much control he had over me or how abusive he was .
They are still together but do argue a lot and she does all the work for the kids its his way or no way she regrets it but wont admit to it the the honey moon is over and she sees what shes got now .
Then again she was so young he could brain wash her in to believing his lies .
From the outside they have it .
They dont have trust and he thinks she might leave him for someone younger .

As I've said up thread I'm not blaming the ex at all. Or suggesting it was her influencing her dc. I've got teens I know that from 11/12 they know their own mind and have no time for nonsense.

I am simply stating the facts of what happened in the couple of years after. I've already said I completely don't blame her for being angry and I also don't blame the DC in any way for not seeing my H. I think my DC would feel the same

A friend of mine was left for a much younger OW too (she was 32, OW was 19, like with your situation he married and knocked her up quickly). She was shocked at first but then adjusted quickly and prioritised her DD while he prioritised the new relationship. Her DD was 11 and quickly realised what a cunt he was all by herself. So I doubt your DH’s ex could have said anything his child didn’t think already.

Now, ten years later, my friend has the family and lifestyle she wants - great job, new partner who has been her and her daughter’s bedrock for 5 years, a baby on the way. While her ex has just left the OW (after 3 children) for another 19 yo.

Your DC (and especially your eldest dd) might not actually. Your eldest DD might have learned that cheating on people can have happy endings - especially if your DH has no remorse. It’s well known that the children and stepchildren of divorced men are more likely to cheat and divorce themselves. It’s also possible that if he ever cheated on you they may even support him over you if they feel you should have expected it. Family counselling may help.

10 and 11 year olds categorically DO NOT understand the long term consequences of cutting contact with one of their parents. They do not have the frame of reference or bandwidth of experience to understand this. Your husband has been very irresponsible in failing to insist of continued contact, particularly if he believed his child was being poisoned against both him and his new family. You seem determined to not understand that this failure was not in the best interests of that child - or your children for that matter. However much his first marriage was a mistake (and his relationship with you the correct path), you divorce spouses, not children. His obligation to parent his child did not stop just because he left home, and the child said I don't want it. No more than if your own 10 year old turns around to you now now (not in a separation situation, now) and says they are not prepared to be parented by you.

And come on! This particular 10 year old first spent a year having to compete for his/her dad's time and affection against your (no doubt very cute and pliable) toddler, and then witnessed you in early stage pregnancy and the two of you settling down into some sort of "perfect", loved up family set up. Do you really believe that 10/11 year old's mind was taking a rational and measured view of the situation? Do you think he/she really "knew their own mind". What do you think might have been going through their mind at that point? Did you both try to make them feel wanted and included?

Well she did not want to meet me or my toddler at all which I don't blame her

His XW told him to not go through courts as it would cause more upset for DC and be pointless as contact would not be enforced with a DC that age.

However I agree he should still have done this and I told him at the time to still go through court. As even if unsuccessful it would prove in the future he tried to go down the legal route

During any email contact with dc he did ask to see them however they always said no. At one point when they were about 17 they said to him they'd never see him again as too much water had gone under the bridge. I've seen that actual message.

His XW told him to not go through courts as it would cause more upset for DC and be pointless as contact would not be enforced with a DC that age

What a man! I mean, he just did what his ex wife said and walked off into the sunset with his new family. Did he even speak to a solicitor? Have a bit of a Google to see if what his ex was saying was correct?

What exactly do you see in him? Has it suited you that you had no step child to contend with?

Obviously, the older they get, the more a court will listen to a child's wishes and establish that they understand the weight of their decision making. No court, in the absence of evidence of abuse on the part of the parent, would be giving more weight to a 10/11 year old's desire to not see their parent, than they would to a loving father wanting to maintain contact, and establish a loving relationship with that child's new half sibling. A court would deem retaining contact to be in her best interests, whether she kicked up a fuss about it or not.

And did it ever occur to your husband that the child might well have been saying whatever she thought her mother wanted to hear? That she might have been monitoring those emails? That the child didn't want to upset her mum by saying, Dad, yes I do want to see you? What do you think her thoughts would have been once she became a bit older? Do you think she might have been somewhat overwhelmed at the thought of having to re-establish face to face contact? Having to get to know a SM and siblings she's never met? Having to deal with that on top of a (possibly still) hostile mum giving her grief, and on top of all the normal teen stuff - puberty, school, friendships, exams etc? Your husband simply giving up when she was 11 gave his child no room to work through her anger and get through it, manoeuvre around her mother's feelings and change her mind at a later date about getting to know you and her siblings. I'm sorry, you need to stop throwing this back at a child of 10/11. This was all on your husband.

Plus there is no reason at all for why the child would need to meet the OP. There was nothing stopping him from taking his child out himself for the day.

Saying ‘oh but I’m just respecting the 10 year old’s wishes’ is SUCH a cop out, by an adult who can’t be bothered with them anyway.

Op, your man’s a loser. Part of your path to remorse should be facing up to that. It’s interesting that you seem to have taken responsibility for your role in all of this yet are still excusing his behaviour?

How could anyone post an angry response to what you just wrote? You sound an amazing and very empathetic person who genuinely puts her children first. I for one applaud you!

Oh dear, op. Your husband isn’t coming across as a great catch. No guilt and he let his DC go quite easily.

Just curious, do you every worry that he’d do the same to you? It’s a genuine question. Or do you feel quite secure with him? Do you think he’s a different person as well, all these years on.

This. What a terrible man to have picked. He never bothered to apologise to the kids he discarded for his young mistress, that’s instant ick.