To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

I completely agree he should have apologised to both his dc and ex

And I also agree he should have tried way harder re contact

Why are people quoting the OPs original post. It's so annoying and it takes up too much room on the app.

I can't get over this bit: He doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.
*
So if he's ever unhappy with you he would rather leave and not see them?*

I agree and I do worry about this yes.

Not that during our time together he has ever given me any cause for concern. He seems devoted to me / us and he's said to me before that this marriage is completely different to his first. In the early days even his mum and relatives have remarked how much happier he is

But as I said before ...given that he did what he did to his first family I'll never assume anything

I can see why you'd worry. You're probably of a similar age or older than his previous partner was when he left her for you? Bound to have an impact on your thinking.

It may be harsh, but I feel like his ex may have the better deal overall. Not with a man who would easily lose contact with his own children, and she doesn't have a cheater in her life who would drop her and her kids as soon as a better option, in his eyes, comes along.
A life free of worrying about whether his next fling will be in 10 months or 10 years is your worry now, not hers.

I think all you can do with that worry is to try and consider how you would cope if this should happen. You can't change this man's nature, changing your own nature is hard enough let alone someone else's.

It's good that you're looking to learn and grow from your experience too. Obviously you can't change the past but you can try to make the best of your future.

Karma’s a bitch

Thanks namechangeagency - so kind!

Others do agree with me that the slow dripfeed from the OP is starting to undermine what I actually consider a brave post. No parents should not ever poison children against their other parent - hence why mine have a v good relationship now with their DF - and I have a sore tongue and high blood pressure from not saying / dissing him.

I hurt for my DCS by the trauma both their DF and the OW inflicted on them for some years. Thankfully now stopped. I wish that it had never happened. I am fully cogniscent that my DH broke his contract with me. However, the actions of the OW during and after it came out were hers and hers alone. The only people they hurt were my DCS badly. As in the case of the OP and their DF.

OP a brave post but was always going to be controversial as has proven. I feel no sympathy for you and the man you have painted comes across as a truly selfish person - but you live with him and the obvious uncertainty you feel on a daily basis.
Good Luck

Oh goodness, @otherwomanregrets

Stop beating yourself up and tying yourself in knots over this. Maybe your husband wasn't spouting a script when he told you he was unhappily married. Maybe he genuinely was unhappy. Maybe he married the wrong person. Maybe he fell out of love. These things happen. But don't let all of your wonderings poison what is otherwise a good relationship.

Affairs don't happen out of the blue. Or very rarely. They're almost always a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. It's possible to be a person who has affairs to become a person who doesn't have affairs once they meet the right partner (for them). Don't assume that your partner is going to have an affair now, just because he cheated on an ex with whom he wasn't compatible.

You will kill your relationship if you keep giving this headspace. If you're actually in some weird way trying to sabotage your relationship by gnawing away at it, try to work out why you are doing this to yourself.

My advice is to let it lie and enjoy what you have.

What happened, happened! What you dud in the past is exactly that, in the past.
You can't undo the hurt to his DC or the ExW or the MIL so there is no point in handwringing!
You have learned from your behaviour and mistakes, being riddled with guilt helps no one. Having 'ruined' other people's lives, trashing your own will not make it better. They dont care how sorry you are now.
Live your life to the best of your ability and live it to the full, otherwise you did everything for nothing.

I was the wife with the two children 20+ years ago whose husband completely out of the blue left us for a woman-a student of his-15 years younger. Their actions have had a devastating impact in so many ways upon my life and those of our children. I could say positive things about the life I built and the strong bond I have with my children but oh how I wish that young woman had never come into our lives.

I am struggling with the bit where he says he regrets meeting his first wife. Because that means he regrets the existence of his children with her. Because if he hadn't met her, they wouldn't exist. That's not a pleasant viewpoint and it doesn't paint him as a nice person.

Oh this made me lol!

I think we all do various things when we are young and 'stupid' that we regret, it is part of life /growing up & learnibg right from wrong and developing who we want to be. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but how does this shame serve you ? Forgive yourself. At least it was not like it was not love...you have been with the man a long time. If it was not you it would have been some other reason ..relationships fail and people move on...it is just life.
Unless you prevented the kids from seeing their dad I see no issue here.
It doesn't make seeing a married man right,but it does not mean you should keep berating yourself for it...

Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.

I think it’s only natural to have these feelings, are you and the kids at the same stages the wife and child were? I think you sound like you have a lot of empathy.

Your husband sounds quite callous and if I’m totally honest he makes me feel sick, sorry but he does, he sounds like a total arsehole.

I think you need to stop punishing yourself, you made a mistake. As I said before I think the biggest problem is your husbands lack or remorse and human decency.

Take care 💐

Aw OP, please do get counselling for this. We are literally different people at 40 compared to 24. Someone I used to work with left her husband and 2 young children for an affair partner, exH got custody of the children as he had the support of both sets of grandparents. I remember her telling me she wished the feelings that allowed her to walk away from her children would have stayed as intense for ever (by the sounds of things her exH was awful so it would have ended anyway). So maybe now you realise he wasn't the only person who could have rescued you from being a single parent with a toddler, you could have met someone else, maybe someone nearer your own age. Easy to see that with the benefit of hindsight.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that your exH's child never became part of your life there was never the opportunity for forgiveness and, as can happen, the realisation that both parties could be happier with other partners. Obviously, you only have your DH's side of the story as to how unhappy he was and maybe now you wonder if actually he was just a bit bored and had his head turned by someone 10 years younger.

@theleafandnotthetree you would think but I think the majority disagree with me 😂 joking aside though I'm not going to lie it was hard. It took time and a shit ton of therapy to get to here. I married a imperfect human, and fundamentally we weren't a match. Because if we were that wouldn't have happened.

@uneffingbelievable I am sorry that you had such a horrible time and it effected your dc badly. I will also correct the part that I didn't include which is I let it go not just for my dd but latterly for myself.

I try not to reference my exs wife as the OW because she is his wife now and one thing I believe nothing should haunt you throughout your life especially if you recognise it was wrong. There are somethings that haunt you no matter what. Blame is something we could all do with a little less of imo.

But your right a lot of people have commented saying it serves op right and they are glad that she's hurting and do agree with you. However I knew my post would be in the mass minority and I don't think op is to blame for her dh being a shit dad, for her dh breaking his marriage vows, and for her dh shit generalness.

That blame lies squarely on his shoulders. Op is at least sorry and feeling guilt ... unlike her DH and seems to be carrying more than her fair share of guilt and some of that guilt doesn't belong to her. The rest of it though in the absence of a Time Machine needs to be let go of.

I'm sure we all did dumb things when we were young. Things that we wouldn't post on Mumsnet because we know we would get a battering. So unless people are prepared to be completely honest about all the bad things they did as a teen/ young adult on Mumsnet like op. It's hard to take a moral high ground without sounding like a complete ass.

Also I'm not calling anyone a arse - I'm speaking in general terms before I get jumped x

Hindsight is a great thing and you sound like a decent person for now feeling this way. One of my closest childhood friends was left while pregnant with her second child . Her DH went off with another younger women. She was devastated at the time but now her DC are teens and they have nothing to do with him and they seem better off without him. She would never take him back after what happened . The OW had the same done to her, years later he did the same again . My friend asked me what I thought about her contacting the first OW , I advised against . Looking in from the outside I don’t feel the OW won the prize and should feel guilty , I actually feel sorry for them because he was a dick. He did my friend a favour in the long term .

The truth is that you never know what is round the corner and people’s feelings changed. My ex husband left me for the other woman and left myself and our three sons devastated and really I never got over the shock.
However it was my ex husband who chose to leave and he left because his feelings were stronger for the other woman.
He has still been there for his sons and I encouraged that, not for him but because I believed they needed him and didn’t want hate to shroud their lives. It is better for their mental health.
Focus on your family, your children and look forward not back.
I didn’t speak to the other woman for 17 years ( and I expect she was pleased about that). Only spoke to her to help smooth the marriages of my sons and we are civil to one another.
She isn’t a bad person, just human.

It has already been said, but people who are happy in their relationship don’t go off with someone else. To be fair to him and to you, your relationship sounds like a good one. So in some ways that must make it better
he wasn’t sleeping around with anything that moved.
yes our decisions have consequences and for you it’s guilt, but your guilt helps no one. Be careful it doesn’t ruin what sounds like a good life
get some counselling to help process it and as the saying goes ‘when you know better you do better’

Interesting post. My husband had an affair with a younger colleague. He struggled with the guilt. I found out and he left for 4 weeks. The OW was told by her sister what a nasty thing she was doing. We had two young children. He came back after 4 weeks as I pointed out he’d done a really stupid thing but I was willing to try and move on. I said if I was willing to try wasn’t it worth him trying too. Or he could spend the rest of his life regretting fucking up and losing me and the kids because he couldn’t forgive himself. I haven’t forgiven him and I think about it every day but I couldn’t just give up on my mortgage which I thought was good. We are 14 years on now. We have our ups and downs but I think we are pretty strong. I do wonder how the OW feels now and if she has any regrets and if she ever thinks about contacting me. We all work for the same company so she could easily contact me or him. I keep an eye out for her and she has since married. My husband had a good job and I believe she targeted him. Her husband also has a good job within the company. What I wonder about the most though is how my kids would react if they ever found out. They are now 19 and 16. The eldest has asked why some of our friends got divorced and mentioned that it’s usually because someone cheats.

I have never ever seen a mumsnet post by an OW where I have felt empathy but for this I think I actually do. I think a lot of hatred for OW comes from the feeling that they lack insight or self reflection but I don't think you do OP. For what it's worth an ex of mine cheated on me and nearly 10 years later the woman he left me for is in the same workplace as I am. We don't have direct contact but I have none of the feelings I used to have about her, I've moved on with my life. I think we are all many people in our lives and it seems now your choices back then are egodystonic to what you'd pick for yourself now. You can't change it and none of us know what's round the corner, try to forgive yourself. I'm sure the ex wife did a long time ago, people don't hold onto resentment for lifetimes anymore, the world is abundant and life is out there for all of us to explore. I hope you and the ex wife find peace and happiness in your lives.

@namechangnancy you sound lovely and happy. Very wise
and great name too ☺️