Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I would guess that's a figure of speech, rather than anyone feeling they have authority over a stranger's family. 😂

Perhaps, but there are those that certainly appear to be quite serious in their leveling of diktats.

Massive contrast between this thread and another one going on where the OP sent her step kids to school in dirty uniforms and with no lunch (because her dh went to work and didn't bother ) and posters are saying, not her kids, not her responsibility!
That's far worse than not insisting a child you aren't due to have that day, is invited to a wedding of people said child doesn't even know!

It's your sister and yes, I think you need to go and support her on her wedding day.

But your husband is doing the right thing. Our dc have been invited to plenty of weddings by family when they have barely known the couple (or perhaps never even met them). A wedding invitation extended to children is about the relationship with their parents - if you and your dh are invited and your shared child is, then your stepchild should be as well. It doesn't matter how close they are to the bride and groom. They are an extension of you, assuming its not a child-free wedding. The message being sent is that your stepchild isn't as important an extension as your shared child.

Your stepchild probably won't care one bit and probably won't notice. But this is about your dh. It's a rejection of a part of him and I suspect he is quite hurt by that. I don't think that means you need to refuse to go (that would be ridiculous, actually), but I would also be sad and hurt on his behalf as I think it's a bit cold. I suspect it may change his relationship with his ILs going forward. I know it would for me in his position.

@aSofaNearYou

It is his core life. Both of his DDs are his core life. His DSIL is not his core life. So he has done the right thing.

When you choose to insert yourself into the life of a child it should come without a clause IMO.

WTF is a core life?? 😟

If a woman posted on here that her daughter hadn't been invited to her brother-in-law's wedding, and her husband didn't have a problem with this, she'd be told to LTB.

... yes that is what I was saying... this wedding is not a major part of her dad's life that she is missing out on. It's a major part of her step mum's. He's just going. He probably goes to lots of places without her without it being seen as her being "excluded from his life". It's only really a case of that if this is something really important to HIS life.

@aSofaNearYou I suspect it will be a much smaller part of his life in the future. He has already opted out.

IKR apparently it's the special part that doesn't include DSD

At the end of the day ops SD is her daughter's half biological sister they are connected by blood. It is bizarre to invite one and not the other.

IKR apparently it's the special part that doesn't include DSD

You have completely fundamentally missed the point I was making, which I find odd as I've been quite clear.

This is close to the opposite of what I was saying. Time with OPs family is not "dad's life" that she is being excluded from, it's OPs life, and just something he's tagging along to (or not). It's special to HER, not to him.

@aSofaNearYou

I agree it should not be Dads life - but apparently that's what it is. In this family dynamic it is the DSM show.

She is not an equal DD. She is being deliberately treated differently, even on her birthday (especially on her birthday) and excluded from major family events.

It's very poor. I love my DM but she and her sisters treat my DSS like this. It has generational repercussions - right down to GGK. Step children are kids - they deserve the exact same treatment as new family. They have no licence over who is inserted into their lives. Are you getting it yet?

I remain stunned by just how many responses there have been.

Questions which apparently I haven’t answered,
Sex of child is irrelevant.
Sister’s wedding 120.
No fixed time to see stepchild. Husband sees them during term time around 3 times a week.
Stepchild stays some Friday nights here and often stays on Saturdays if there isn’t a party with their friends.
This holiday they have been here a lot as husband’s business is being relaunched.
Both my husband and mother-in-law would immediately correct people who assumed that the children are full siblings. They would see it as ‘twee’ to say they were siblings. Feminist mother-in-law would be particularly strident about this.
Of course my child knows that they’re half-siblings.
I of course knew that some posters would disagree with me but the majority of those who did, use phrases like “poor child” etc. My stepchild is not a poor child. Posters refused to acknowledge nuances of our family.
Of course they are my family but they’re not my sister’s . Something I imagine that they’re both completely fine with. How would I force this?
Someone said that I appeared privileged. I don’t think that I am particularly privileged. I deliberately didn’t mention stepchild’s family privilege as I imagine posters would run with this suggesting I am jealous etc.
Trust me there is no Cinderella syndrome .
No issue between husband and my family and he now acknowledges that he would be sad about them not being at wedding as he’d seen more of stepchild recently.

The posts were very emotive imagining a child, younger than stepchild in rags, as we all left in all our finery.

Genuinely upset at reading posters’ sad experiences of stepfamilies but it isn’t our experience.

I appreciate that I like everyone else who posts, only give a small snapshot.

P.S. my family are lovely, It’s just my dad’s way to give money to older kids.
Husband got this as soon as he was told.
Husband acknowledges that there are sensitivities.

Why did you bother posting, OP, given that you are entirely confident that you and your family are great and that your 'sensitive' husband is at fault in this situation?

Some step mums struggle to allow the step kids any of the attention

Both my husband and mother-in-law would immediately correct people who assumed that the children are full siblings.

Not a good idea to say that my partner grew up with half-siblings and do they know it. The jealousy between them because my partner had his dad and their mother married him. It could build resentment between the sisters as in he's my dad he's with me more and vice versa an outsider looking in. Don't underestimate sibling rivalry because as they mature it could be brutal.

I've repeatedly explained he didn't complain he just declined an invitation. The OP was the one who turned this into something not him.

How many weddings to do think he his wife and their joint child have been to in her family where his child was excluded? Have you ever heard of the straw that broke the camels back? HIs child hasn't been welcomed, this was the final straw.

OP says he's backed down when the majority of people told her she was wrong.

I couldn't care less how a family who would exclude a child might feel. Doesn't mean it isn't likely to cause tensions, OP is quite clear it is bothering her.

It's very poor. I love my DM but she and her sisters treat my DSS like this. It has generational repercussions - right down to GGK. Step children are kids - they deserve the exact same treatment as new family. They have no licence over who is inserted into their lives. Are you getting it yet?

No I'm not "getting it". I have many years experience of this and your argument, which I've heard a million times, is not going to change my mind. It is common and normal for SKs to have a different relationship with their step parent and their family, to the SC's actual child. They should obviously be treated the same by their dad and his family.

The last comment got me "We make sure they know they are step-siblings" I think this thread is a windup. Normal people aren't that cruel, are they???

This - not sure why OP posted if unwilling to take on board any of the (very consistent) feedback she's getting here

He did complain. That you see it as valid commentary doesn’t change this.

Like I said, if he wanted a partner whose family would accept his child as his own then it was up to him to find one. He didn’t. He doesn’t get to force the ones he does have to meet his expectations.

You don’t need to care how they feel, but they don’t need to care about how the DH feels either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway I'm very glad you DH seems to be far more rational than a lot of the posters on here, the nuance is obviously easier to understand when you live it and actually know the people involved.

Best of luck!

I don't think that is quite true, I think some people think that the SC is part of the OPs family and her family has received an invitation with one person left out. I don't think it is relevant that her family don't consider the child their family, it is relevant that they are excluding one member of the OPs family.