Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

How horrible. Of course your step child of EIGHT YEARS should have been invited. The fact they've hardly seen her in that time and made no effort to get to know her is shitty in itself. Your parents not even getting a small birthday gift is also shitty. You not wanting her there yourself makes you shitty too.

It wouldn't be about money for me - if you can't see the sister's POV then you perhaps aren't the best person to suggest what her motives might be. If I were her I'd be pissed off with him over the principle, because he'd taken something there was no reason for there to be any issue about and used it as an opportunity to make it all about himself.

100% this. Why make a child (who through no fault of theirs ended up your SD) feel like an extra in their fathers life.

I think it's good the the DF has finally said this is enough. Probably his ex had to say something for him (or lets hope not - the DS herself) to finally realise what he has participated in all these years. At least he is advocating for his DD now.

Why make a child (who through no fault of theirs ended up your SD) feel like an extra in their fathers life.

Not in her father's life, in OP's life. He himself is the extra here, none of this is about him.

@aSofaNearYou but she is being excluded 'deliberately' from her fathers life and her DSs. My DM (and all of her toxic DSs) made my DSS life awkward like this and nobody feels good about it now. When I was little I didn't realise but sooner or later DD will see what's happening and wonder why.

Your SD is going to resent your DD for being excluded by you from everything.

It's perfectly normal to not do every last thing your dad does. In this case, that thing is "attending a wedding as a plus one". This isn't his core life as it were, like it might be if this was his family. This isn't his family, it's her SM's family. That isn't beyond the comprehension of a secondary aged child.

Or she’ll fully understand they have different maternal families, and be completely fine with that.

Does it matter? This child appears to be only allowed on the cusp of the family. Ops stepchild but not her ‘families family’. If you get a wedding invite and you work shifts, you get the invite anyway, people assume as its a wedding you will make the effort. Im with Ops husband on this. Tables turned would Op be happy to leave her daughter if her husbands sister was marrying and didnt invite her? This isnt how blended families are supposed to work. Family is family.

This is so not attending the wedding as a plus one!!! This girl is the stepdaughter of the brides sister. Let me ask, if someone has two kids then adopts another, is that adopted child treated as not really family to extended family members? When I was 13 my brother 9 my parents adopted a 5 year old boy. It took a while, but he became as much my brother as my blood brother. Kids dont choose their parents or step parents, in a family, all kids, stepkids, adopted kids, fostered kids and birth kids should be treated the same.

This isnt how blended families are supposed to work. Family is family.

100% agree with this @Solonge . It's no surprise that so many blended families have issues when you read some of these comments. It seems like, in some cases, they're only family when it suits. In our case, we've worked really hard to pull everyone together as a family.

Her daughter is the niece of her father’s sister, so hardly analogous. She’s not OP’s daughter, either through birth or adoption. She’s family to OP’s family in the same way her mother in law is.

Blended families work in different ways. Unless it’s your blended family you don’t get a vote on how it works.

So no point in Op posting really if she is the only one with a vote. If you think that then no point anyone posting anything as its up to them and nobody gets a comment?

Let me ask, if someone has two kids then adopts another, is that adopted child treated as not really family to extended family members?

Oh yes because adoption and step parenting are completely the same.

Ops DH has two children. This mans siater in law is getting married but happy to exclude one of his children. This is really shitty behaviour. Good on DH for not going.

I have step children, step children who have a mother they spend half their week with, who is involved in every aspect of their lives and who fight fiercely to stop anyone else from taking over as mother to her children, a mother who co parents with my husband to raise THEIR children. To suggest that having said children in my life is in any way comparable to having adopted a child and being that child's actual mother is ludicrous and laughable.

I am sure there are step situations where it can more closely compared to adoption I.e. the other parent is not around and step parent has fully assumed that role but otherwise to compare the two is stupid.

I bet they excluded his parents too. Given that they have the same relationship to OP’s family as the stepdaughter, should he be offended about that too?

And clearly you missed the part about him backtracking and apologizing to OP.

She invited opinions that she’s at liberty to ignore. That’s doesn’t constitute anyone else ‘getting a vote’.

I have a blended family and completely agree with @Solonge .

I don't really think that anyone can tell someone what they are allowed an opinion on. Or 'vote' in this case.

Not sure why the first part is relevant.

Of course you’re free to have opinions about other peoples family set ups, I didn’t say otherwise. What I said was that you get to decide for your own family, you have no authority (the vote in question) in regards to anyone else’s.

Where people are sensible, they'd swap their days/weekends around to accommodate special occasions. It should be irrelevant but many divorced couples seem to have a weird attitude towards whose weekend it is, instead of thinking about what's best for the child.

But I think it's up to the sister to invite who she likes. My son has been excluded from two family weddings in the past few years and he was a blood relative of both the people getting married. I wasn't invited to one of my uncle's weddings but my parents went. It is what it is.

That's kind of a given is it not? I don't think anyone would assume to have 'authority' over someone else's family. I guess it all depends on what you define as family? In this case, the OP has said that her stepdaughter is family so, to me, her sister is only inviting part of her sister's family to her wedding.

You’d think so, but given the amount of ‘you have to….’ that’s been leveled at OP, apparently not.

If the op wanted her SC there she would have said something but she didn't she wined about her husband not going unless his daughter gets an invite. I believe it's how she worded her speech to her sister and that's what caused the rift. The op posts he begrudgingly apologised as if to say how dare you this is about us and my sister not your daughter. Her sister got it wrong it's the op who has manipulated the situation.

Your family are being unreasonable. You're a stepparent now. Your stepchild is part of your family and its crazy that your extended family have made such little effort. Who gives one child a birthday present but not their sibling? It's unfair what a big distinction is being made between the children and I'm surprised you're not more annoyed about it. I'd be 100% team dh on this.