Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Yes I wonder how much your Dah has done to facilitate those relationships between his child and your family? Or is that allllll supposed to be the OP’s job?

”Ok darling, I’ll go along with our DC, no problem. Have a nice weekend with SD.”

Thats all you can say. Take the drama out of it. It can still be joyful.

*DH

Inmybirthdaysuit he did they had joint birthday meals and invited the inlaws but they excluded his child from receiving a gift but got their bio grandchild a gift instead. I suspect they do the same at Christmas. Horrible people to do do that to a kid.

Sounds like stepchild is better off well away from this extended stepfamily that still treats them as an outsider after 8 years? Your husband is right to decline. Pretty shitty of you all to keep leaving this kid out all the time.

I was a step child once. I was accepted as family by my stepfamily the moment my stepdad became my stepdad. I always felt welcome and was never left out when it came to family events or gifts etc. Because thats what nice people do?

My partner didn't go to his own brothers wedding because my 2 children from a previous relationship were not invited. I never Evan said a peep. He read the invite with only our names on it, messaged his brother to confirm my children weren't invited and once his brother confirmed this my partner said we wouldnt be going for that reason.

I was secretly happy he felt so strongly about my children being invited but still encouraged him to accept the invite as I didnt want him refusing thinking it was what I would like. He still refused and we never went. I dislike his brother for not including my children and so does my partner.

Well done on your DH for putting his daughter 1st.

You hear so many times on here when a Dad starts a new family that the previous children get pushed aside.

Would it be that hard to squeeze in an extra guest who is a child?

Would it not be lovely for your Step daughter and DD to be involved in this together.

It’s perfectly normal to get your grandkids presents and not kids you hardly see. They are not their grandkids.

Your husband is right, your sister is horrid.

My husband’s brother has a step child, we got married six years before them but if they had got together first I cannot imagine being so rude and unpleasant as to not invite his brother’s wife’s child. We also have never bought presents for the real niece and nephews and not the step niece - and they are from different siblings of DH so it isn’t even a matter of step niece seeing that she didn’t get anything.

Your DH is in the right here. Your stepchild is a part of your immediate family and should be invited, whether your sister knows them or not.

BarbieWorldFantastic hand them out infront of them at a meal? This isn't a random kid it's cruel and unkind.

@PrimalOwl10 but they bought their grandkid a gift? Are they supposed to buy the step grand kid a gift everytime as well? Maybe they dont have money or cant afford it.

Half what they spent on the younger one between both girls.

Paying for an entire holiday is 'treating like an outsider'?
OK then.
I don't know which way the AIBU goes OP but if your sister 'barely knows' the stepchild I'm not surprised. She doesn't even live with you full time.

Your DH is right.

You and your family sound pretty awful.

That's no excuse. This is another child being snubbed and left out on a regular basis. It's horrible.

Your sister is behaving really badly too OP. It surely wouldn't cost that much for one more child. You could pay for her meal if it's that big an issue.

Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild.

Your family are arseholes. JFC. I can't believe you just sit back and allow this kind of behaviour.

I don't see why your sister should invite a random child she doesn't know.

However, I think that highlights the actual issue: why don't your family know your stepchild? If your DH only has his child very very part-time, I can understand why they haven't spent much time with the child, and the bigger issue is that DH hasn't fought for more access in the past.

I think is probably on him, and the reason why he's sulking and refusing to go is because on some level, he realises him not facilitating relationships is why they don't exist...

It's shitty to exclude a child who has been made a part of the family. But... it doesn't sound like the stepchild has been. That's the real problem.

That’s not nice to your stepchild, I’m saying this as a stepchild that was consistently treated as ‘less than’ in every possible respect despite the fact the my family treated my step sibling exactly the same as me

It's a shame that in 8 years your family haven't gotten to know your DSD. At this point I would just stay out of it. It sounds like Dad hasn't had his own child much due to work and now he's missed the boat. Both how your sister/BIL feel and how your DH feels are valid. There will be no winners in this. In all honesty your DSD probably won't give a fig about attending a wedding of people she barely knows/has never met.

@Runnerinthenight I wouldn't buy a kid a present if I dont see them and have emotional attachment to.

My son got invited to a joint birthday party, we only knew one of the children and had never even heard of the other boy until we were invited. We took a small token gift and a card for the 2nd boy as it was his party too.

The fact you think it is okay that your parents don't give your step child a gift at a joint birthday meal says a lot about you and your family imo. I wouldn't be happy if I was your husband.

I don’t see why your sister should invite a random child

Well she shouldn’t have to. But this is not a random child. It is her BIL’s child and her sister’s stepchild.

Exactly!
OP he banned a 'joint birthday' (but I don't think your parents would have cared, they'd want to see their own GC anyway).
Your parents paid for SC on the holiday so they can't be that bad.
How much does he do for her at home? Does he leave the boring drudgery to you?
And how close is she with HIS side of the family... or is all that wifework for you to facilitiate?

The moment you said he 'works away' I had an inkling he might not lift a finger to do anything else...

Similar thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4789031-husbands-brother-not-invited-his-step-child?reply=128156524

I am with yout DH. You have been married 8 years and your family still don’t class his daughter as family. They sound awful.