Page 36 | Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 2023-08-19T13:04:56+00:00

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful. Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary. Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid. My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother. So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids. My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum. My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past. My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:12

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2023 15:05

Yes he COULD ask the mother to swap, and she might say yes (though if I were her and I had any kind of plans with DSD that would be disrupted, I'd be thinking it wasn't worth it so she could go to the wedding of people she barely knows who are related to her step mum). But the point is, he doesn't need to do that, he isn't due to have her, he could have just gone without kicking up a fuss and nobody, including DSD, would have cared.

What if she doesn't have plans as was going to have a lazy Saturday?

BarbieWorldFantastic · 21/08/2023 15:13

Summerrainagain1 · 21/08/2023 15:12

Except OP's DH isnt' happy with it.

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She’s already said he thinks he acted to hasty so he clearly isn’t as bothered now.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:16

Summerrainagain1 · 21/08/2023 15:12

Except OP's DH isnt' happy with it.

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Oh well, that doesn’t make it a problem anyone else needs to solve. It’s a shame he didn’t prioritize this clearly so-very-important-to-him issue a decade ago, isn’t it?

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2023 15:16

What if she doesn't have plans as was going to have a lazy Saturday?

Then she'd probably swap? Nonetheless, it isn't necessary.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:19

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:10

No idea. The point is he didn’t need to propose it in the first place and create an issue over it.

He’s a decade into being with OP, he already knows his child isn’t considered close family or a grandchild/niece by his in laws.

You’d think if that was important to him he’d have established that well before now, considering he didn’t have to start or continue a relationship with someone who didn’t share his viewpoint. Instead he’s decided to kick up a fuss and then quickly back down on it. Pointless.

Anyway, it’s going around and around in circles. The different camps aren’t going to agree, and OP meanwhile is getting on with her life. Of course someone else will post in a few days about a stepchild issue and carnage will once again commence.

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Like I said he married the op, not her family and he doesn't have to like her family. The op is a special lady in her husband's life he married her, didn't he?

It sounds like he can't stand her family and the op has to accept that. He isn't on Mumsnet complaining about his SIL the op is. She has to accept that her husband loves her but that can't be extended to the rest of her family.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:23

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:19

Like I said he married the op, not her family and he doesn't have to like her family. The op is a special lady in her husband's life he married her, didn't he?

It sounds like he can't stand her family and the op has to accept that. He isn't on Mumsnet complaining about his SIL the op is. She has to accept that her husband loves her but that can't be extended to the rest of her family.

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He married OP knowing she felt the same way as her family. He had the option of not doing that. Instead, he’s decided to take and then not take a stand a decade in.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:29

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 13:53

Right, but being annoyed by someone and calling them manipulative is hardly the same thing as being deeply wounded by and upset about them. A rift really doesn’t need to be considered inherently problematic or distressing, especially if it’s with someone you’re not too bothered about in the first place. If I don’t particularly like someone then oh well, I just don’t think about them 🤷🏻‍♀️

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The rift doesn't just affect them. Say it is grandparents golden anniversary, they plan a big party, add all their kids and their partners, maybe even invite a step grandchild but that isn't really relevant. OP and her husband say they'd love to come but he won't go if SIL and her husband are there. OP doesn't want to go without him lots more drama. Say SIL and new husband have a baby, lovely Christening and party planned but won't invite OPs husband. OP is left in the middle, does she go without him or should she stand up for her husband.

The ripples can go on for years. Now it might not bother them, I couldn't careless if I ever see SIL or not but I don't choose to socialise with her and the feeling is mutual. Makes big family get togethers a no no. I'm not bothered, she's not bothered but it is the wider family that finds it uncomfortable.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:30

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 14:02

He’s known their stance for the entirety of his relationship with OP. If he wants to take issue with it now then that is of course his choice and any apprehension he now feels is on him to cope with. It doesn’t mean OP and/or her family need to change to suit him.

Again, she’s family, in the same way his mother is family, and they don’t need to invite her to the wedding either.

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He hasn't asked them to change, it was the OP who did that. All he's done is decline an invitation.

Booklistsbegone · 21/08/2023 15:32

That’s fine, but not everyone needs or want to live by your book. They’ve got their own books they’re quite happy with.

But what OP has described isn’t a picture of an extended family all getting along happily @notlucreziaborgia ? They obviously have a variety of books and they don't all say the same thing - and that's a problem.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:32

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:23

He married OP knowing she felt the same way as her family. He had the option of not doing that. Instead, he’s decided to take and then not take a stand a decade in.

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You're blaming the op's husband you're saying he shouldn't have married her. If that's the case a lot of married couples stay together mainly for the children until they are of age or out of convenience. It doesn't sound too hopeful for the op but she has her family and her husband will have another failed relationship because he choose the wrong woman.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:32

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 14:20

Why is it on them to avoid conflict by bending to suit the DH, when he is also capable of avoiding conflict by not putting his expectations on them?

He’s the one creating an issue here, choosing this to take a half hearted stand over when he’s already a decade deep. He doesn’t even have his daughter over the wedding, so it’s not like he’s scrambling for childcare.

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He's avoided conflict by just declining the invitation. The OP is the one who created the issue by going moaning to her sister about it.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:33

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:29

The rift doesn't just affect them. Say it is grandparents golden anniversary, they plan a big party, add all their kids and their partners, maybe even invite a step grandchild but that isn't really relevant. OP and her husband say they'd love to come but he won't go if SIL and her husband are there. OP doesn't want to go without him lots more drama. Say SIL and new husband have a baby, lovely Christening and party planned but won't invite OPs husband. OP is left in the middle, does she go without him or should she stand up for her husband.

The ripples can go on for years. Now it might not bother them, I couldn't careless if I ever see SIL or not but I don't choose to socialise with her and the feeling is mutual. Makes big family get togethers a no no. I'm not bothered, she's not bothered but it is the wider family that finds it uncomfortable.

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OP has shown no reluctance in supporting her sister, and indeed the DH has already apologized. Theoretically, if he did decide to give such occasions a miss, it doesn’t mean OP wouldn’t be quite happy to go, and nor does it mean that the wider family would actually feel awkward or indeed miss his presence.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:34

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:32

He's avoided conflict by just declining the invitation. The OP is the one who created the issue by going moaning to her sister about it.

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And then backed down on his refusal what, less than 24 hours later? 😂 As if not creating an issue in the first place wasn’t a better option, as it’s turned out.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:35

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:32

You're blaming the op's husband you're saying he shouldn't have married her. If that's the case a lot of married couples stay together mainly for the children until they are of age or out of convenience. It doesn't sound too hopeful for the op but she has her family and her husband will have another failed relationship because he choose the wrong woman.

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Yeah, pretty much. Don’t date, let alone marry, someone when your values in regards to important issues don’t align.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:37

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:16

Oh well, that doesn’t make it a problem anyone else needs to solve. It’s a shame he didn’t prioritize this clearly so-very-important-to-him issue a decade ago, isn’t it?

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I don't suppose he knew a decade ago that his family of 4 was going to receive an invite for 3, infact it was only a family of 3 back then so even if you'd told him they were only going to get an invite for 3 it wouldn't have been an issue. He isn't asking them to love his child he's asking for some basic good manners that you don't leave one child in a family out of an invite.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:38

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:34

And then backed down on his refusal what, less than 24 hours later? 😂 As if not creating an issue in the first place wasn’t a better option, as it’s turned out.

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Well the OP came back with that one when lots of people didn't agree with her. Not sure how much faith I'd put in that message.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:39

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:37

I don't suppose he knew a decade ago that his family of 4 was going to receive an invite for 3, infact it was only a family of 3 back then so even if you'd told him they were only going to get an invite for 3 it wouldn't have been an issue. He isn't asking them to love his child he's asking for some basic good manners that you don't leave one child in a family out of an invite.

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He’s had ample time to figure out whether a prospective wife’s family were willing to take on his child as a close family member. He didn’t need eight years for that one.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:39

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:34

And then backed down on his refusal what, less than 24 hours later? 😂 As if not creating an issue in the first place wasn’t a better option, as it’s turned out.

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We don't know that it was 24 hours, do we? The op was probably thinking about herself when she moaned to her sister. The thread was started so the op can belittle her husband and her SC.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2023 15:39

I don't suppose he knew a decade ago that his family of 4 was going to receive an invite for 3, infact it was only a family of 3 back then so even if you'd told him they were only going to get an invite for 3 it wouldn't have been an issue. He isn't asking them to love his child he's asking for some basic good manners that you don't leave one child in a family out of an invite.

He will have been aware that when they met up, his DD was usually not there. No reason to assume that would change for events.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:40

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:33

OP has shown no reluctance in supporting her sister, and indeed the DH has already apologized. Theoretically, if he did decide to give such occasions a miss, it doesn’t mean OP wouldn’t be quite happy to go, and nor does it mean that the wider family would actually feel awkward or indeed miss his presence.

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Well the OP said it was ruining the run up to the wedding for her so I think there's a chance it would bother her. If she's quite happy to go to family things without him I don't know why she went whining to her sister in the first place.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:40

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/08/2023 15:39

We don't know that it was 24 hours, do we? The op was probably thinking about herself when she moaned to her sister. The thread was started so the op can belittle her husband and her SC.

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OP, as far as I can tell, has been posting as it’s been happening.

Either way he’s decided not to die on this particularly hill after all.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/08/2023 15:41

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:40

Well the OP said it was ruining the run up to the wedding for her so I think there's a chance it would bother her. If she's quite happy to go to family things without him I don't know why she went whining to her sister in the first place.

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Because someone creating an issue where there needn’t be one is going to piss others off. She made no mention of not going to wedding in response to her husband’s complaint.

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 15:42

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2023 15:39

I don't suppose he knew a decade ago that his family of 4 was going to receive an invite for 3, infact it was only a family of 3 back then so even if you'd told him they were only going to get an invite for 3 it wouldn't have been an issue. He isn't asking them to love his child he's asking for some basic good manners that you don't leave one child in a family out of an invite.

He will have been aware that when they met up, his DD was usually not there. No reason to assume that would change for events.

Inviting 3 members of a family of 4 to a wedding isn't at all the same as visiting people regularly. Regardless the family obviously have met the child several times, I daresay at the OPs wedding, at the joint birthday party and on the holiday and that's just what the OP included in her posts. Might be loads more, the child clearly isn't a stranger.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 15:43

OP you cannot do right in this situation.

If you go without your DH, you're potentially hurting your DH and your SDS. If you don't go, you're hurting your sister, parents and child (flower girl).

I think they've put you in a very unfair position.

lap90 · 21/08/2023 15:44

Self absorbed and sensitive because he was considering his child?
Doesn’t sound like its your husband who is the self absorbed one.
While he may have come around on this occasion your husband has let his displeasure be known about how his child is being treated by your family, who barely know her yet seem to know enough about her custody schedules well in advance so not extend an invitation.
Next time he might not be so quick to come around.