Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

There are only 2 of them so the house is shared equally between them and any other assets they acquire in their lifetime. I can't see her husband leaving out his daughter so it will be 50/50.

That’s quite the assumption.

Yes there are two of them, and each gets 50% of their shared assets to bequeath. The husband has two children he may decide to split his half between, whereas OP has one. That is what usually happens, and is advised, when it comes to writing a will.

The stepdaughter has a mother and father she can potentially inherit from, same as OP’s child.

I've been wondering that, too.

I'm quite shocked by this. Your stepchild is your family, you say. It didn't occur to me not to invite my sister's stepdaughters to my wedding and my stepson was invited to hers. I think it's very poor form not to invite your stepdaughter.

Hi, OP —

I’ve read all of your posts. You seem thoughtful and loving, but you’ve now said your SC is a 13 yo girl. You may be right that she won’t be traumatised if left out, but it can be a sensitive age.

I am from a different culture, known to be happier than the British. You wrote something like ‘my SC is my family, not my family’s family’. But for me, your family is your family’s family. Whether she will know it or not I think leaving her out was a terrible thing to do. If it was to save money it was the very definition of tacky behaviour.

They probably didn't at the time but knew it was probable, and they obviously know now as when he said he wasn't coming, question one will have been "does he even have DSD that day?"

Some people look at life differently to others which is sad and unfortunate that the op's family takes it out on a child.

I don't get the hullabaloo here tbh...not every extended family is close...I don't know how often SC is over but I imagine it's very easy for them not to have a close relationship with their stepmother family. And i bet a 13 year old doesn't want to sit through a wedding of people she barely knows. I can understand why the DH is being stubborn, but unless the kid has shown upset that they're not invited (which I doubt if OP is being honest as to the relationship they have with her family) then he's just creating a mountain out of a molehill.

Do tell which oh so happier culture you are from?

@Toomuchtrouble4me I write enough on the HE Board that this would be outing. European, more family based.

In the world happiness rankings the European countries consistently doing well are all less materialistic than the UK

Some people can't take the truth look at this thread a wedding is planned it's meant to be a happy and joyous day. What happens is the sister and bil won't invite the op's SC because we are used to conflict and moaning and being unhappy. When the op's husband declines their offer he is being manipulative. The stepchild is not their family anyway so why should they invite her for?

I want to emigrate and leave these miserable bastards to get on with Brexit and their misery.

Another way to look at it is: they are within their rights not to invite, he is within his rights not to attend.

At this point sounds like your husband has little to lose by not attending, because it sounds like your family don't embrace him fully (and they are not embracing him if they do not embrace his child), and he is not willing to embrace them if they dont include his child. Now with adamance, not just as an oversight.

So why keep up the pretence with him attending? Sometimes it is best if everyone knows where they stand. Sad but true I think.

This thread is just going round in circles - some posters think a step child should be a full part of the OPs extended family, and others think otherwise. No one is adding any new wisdom.

Because there's nothing new to say and OP is unlikely to be back again with more detail on how often the DSD stays or how big the wedding is as that would likely take things in the wrong direction for her.

I think any further info from the OP would be received favourably by one set of posters and unfavourably by the other - hence my comments about going round in circles.

That's really sad. My niece is technically my step -niece but we would never think of excluding her from anything.

Your family are being unreasonable here.

You wouldn’t have to tell me to swivel. I would already be gone if your family behaved as ops family have and you didn’t stick up for my child. In our family it’s just our child actually. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I imagine it’s my post you’re referencing. I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone that can be so nasty to a child that I have brought with me into the relationship. I wouldn’t still be there. So you wouldn’t ever get the chance to be telling me to swivel, or to be annoyed at my stance. I would have left.

That’s great for you.

I don’t view my stepchildren as being my children, they are not. They have a mum and I think she’d be pissed off if I did. I don’t expect my partner to refer to my child as being his either.

I would be hurt if my birth child is fully (or 50/50) part of the family. It's sending a very strong message to your step child that your family don't see them as part of them. Very sad. Have you ever experienced anything like this the other way round, or are your partner's family warmer and more inclusive?

And I'd be thinking good riddance. Could not be doing with my husband insisting I see his children as OURS. They quite literally are not. They have a mother, they have two parents. They don't need to demand anyone be a third.

I thank fuck all the time when I read these threads that my husband is a bit less dramatic than some when it comes to how he thinks HIS child should be treated by me and my family. He's never blinked an eye (and neither have the kids) at my parents or family not feeling or treating them equally to their literal grandchildren. That's not the same as saying they are treated poorly, just not the same. Because they aren't the same.

Their mum has even insisted in the past that they don't spend time with my family because they aren't my children so whatever 🤷 no one then gets to cry about the fact they aren't seen as family do they.

They should have invited her, she is a part of your family and household.
how did your sister know dh wouldn’t be having dsc that weekend considering you say the routine is flexible and your sister hardly knows the kid?
I can barely keep track of my own and my partners contact schedule let alone a kid I’m not related to.
mum would most likely have swapped, would have been nice for the girl to get dressed up feel included and see her little sister as flower girl.
I really don’t blame your dh for taking a stand over this tbh it’s really shit behaviour from your family, especially considering you’ve been in this child’s life for so long.
My partner has a son with his ex, ex already had a daughter when they met so he was a father figure to her and obviously the girl is sibling to my dp son.
we include her as much as possible and invite to anything she might like, I’m more than happy to take her on days out or holidays, my partner sees her as a daughter so I treat her the same as his son.
As time goes on and we’ve been together longer I would expect my family to include her the same way and they will when she’s ready.
I’ve brought treats for her every Easter and Christmas we’ve been together, any time I get for partners son I get for the sister because to me you don’t send one kid home with stuff while the other one gets nothing.
My paternal grandparents were the same, my dad died my mum remarried and had 2 more kids obviously nothing to do with my dad or his family but they always got a Christmas box and a coin i their hands when we went to visit same as me and my cousins.

About 10 years ago I had a birthday party for my girls and I invited my family to come along. My aunt and uncle were doing respite care she was looking after two boys for the weekend. They took them to the party and I didn't know them and I made sure that they received bags of sweets and treats from the party. They didn't know me but they enjoyed themselves and they were at ease. They were strangers to me but they were part of our family for that weekend and all I could do was make them feel happy while they were in my company.

People see children as an expense and if they are mean with money they will look for any excuse not to pay. A present or an invite doesn't cost much but to these people it hurts them to have to pay it.

As for saying the girl wouldn’t have wanted to go to the wedding anyway, my partner’s son came to my cousins wedding not long ago, was looking forward to it and had a great time while he was there even though he had only met a few people before a handful of times. He’s 14.
my maternal grandparents treated my step sitter the same as us aswel, babysitting, including for days out, same value presents for Christmas and birthdays.
step sisters grand parents didnt play the game the same way, ss would get hundreds of pounds of presents while me and my siblings opened a selection box or a bottle of bubble bath each.
I was too old to be caring about presents at Christmas for myself but it was hard watching the younger ones be so disrespected.

The point being don’t underestimate the sibling bond; your baby is too young to understand what’s happening now but as she gets older she will see the injustice to her sister from your family and it will affect her feeling towards them.
im glad your children’s dad has actually got backbone enough to make a stand on his daughters behalf, really petty not nice behaviour that would not fly In my family at all.

The op knows her sister won't budge and if she did say yes she can come then the op wouldn't be in this situation. I don't think the op wants to upset her. I am sure her SC would love to go to the wedding if she was invited. Her sister doesn't want the hassle of paying for an extra person. This whole to do is over money but they have to gaslight the ops husband and make him the bad guy.