Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

How did he create an issue, do you think everyone who declines an invitation is creating an issue. Have you ever declined an invite?

She said it was ruining the run up to the wedding for her, all about her and no reason to suppose it would be any different with other family events.

It doesn't say when he told her he wasn't going to the wedding. She is probably looking all anxious on Mumsnet and he's noticed her looking at her phone more often than usual and decided to give in. She did post that he made the op and her SC laugh he wants a happy wife, not an anxious looking wife.

I’ve repeated explained how he created an issue. He didn’t have his daughter that day, there was no need to take a stand over her not being invited. Instead, he’s decided to complain about something a decade into it being the status quo, then promptly backed down on it. He could have saved himself a lot of time and just not made it a point of contention in the first place.

I see no reason why it would. First, because it’s unlikely to happen considering that he has indeed backed down, and while OP was/is annoyed at him, she made no mention of having bad feeling towards her family, or declining the invite just because he has. If he doesn’t go to family events that doesn’t mean that they won’t go ahead, or that they won’t be enjoyable for those that do attend. You want them to feel badly about it though, so the idea that they’ll all be sad about not seeing him seems more like wishful thinking on your part.

Inviting 3 members of a family of 4 to a wedding isn't at all the same as visiting people regularly. Regardless the family obviously have met the child several times, I daresay at the OPs wedding, at the joint birthday party and on the holiday and that's just what the OP included in her posts. Might be loads more, the child clearly isn't a stranger.

I don't agree and I think strict adherence to old fashioned wedding etiquette is a big part of why people are being so rigid about this. I don't think it is that different.

People would invite the whole of a nuclear family even if they didn't know one child because they are aware they live together full time and anything else would be impractical. When the child you barely know is almost always at their mum's when you see them, you are inherently aware that it isn't necessary for them to be around all the time, and it isn't the established norm. It puts a different context to the "unit" and the perception of how necessary it is to invite them to things.

And I think it's the grandparents that know them somewhat more so than the bride and groom.

YABU I am surprised this is the first time you and DH have clashed about DSD. Why is she not included as a full family member? Why no presents? Why have you encouraged this toxic dynamic?

So yes, he decided that he didn’t actually want to die on this particular hill.

What does that say about the op and her loyalty compared to his?

Why did she marry a man who had a child if she wasn't going to see that child as her own?

I don't get the shock at a step parents family not having much of a relationship with a stepchild, I really really don't.

We have my DSS's 50% of the week and they have still rarely met members of my family. My parents on a few occasions and grandparents on fewer still and others not at all.

I don't know when all this magic time is that we are supposed to be building huge loving bonds with my stepkids and my family is. They spend half the week with their mum, 5 days of which is spent in school, multiple evenings a week at one sport or another and the weekend is, more so now they are getting older, spent between friends and my husbands (their dads) family.

I do not find it surprising or shocking AT ALL that a stepchild may not have built up much of a relationship with their step mothers family, yes even in 8 years. Their lives are already split between two households, often spending less than half their time in their dads house, they have school and hobbies and friends and family on their dads side to see like any other child. When is all this magical time they are supposed to be spending with their step mums family? So much so they apparently should be seem no differently to grandchildren/ nieces and nephews.

Of course there will be other families who do things differently but it's really not shocking to see how it can work out like that. I doubt many members of my family give my stepchildren a fleeting thought ever tbh. And them vice versa. I do not care, neither does DH. I guess because he's not so entitled as to expect everyone around him to treat his children like their grandchildren.

I have no idea, does she pick fights and back down?

That wasn’t and isn’t her responsibility. He was the parent, the one with the child to prioritize. Not her.

You say he’s apologized and backed down…I can’t find that anywhere?

“This afternoon My husband Who sees his chid all the time and that child has more 1:1 time than my child, is beginning to think he’s been hasty and has given me a grudging apology. We are going to think about moving forward.”

He doesn't have any issues on his side or his child's mother only the op and her family. The OP's family is her responsibility she decided to marry him knowing that he had a child. She needs to be an adult about it and stop making excuses for her shabby family and deal with them.

She needs to deal with her family.

He decided to have an issue with the status quo a decade in.

OP doesn’t need to do anything beyond what she already is doing. Marrying someone with a child doesn’t in fact mean she is obliged to consider that child her own, or demand that her family does. If he wanted that, that was on him to prioritize.

She doesn’t ‘need’ to do anything.

She needs to deal with her family.

No, she doesn't. He's the outlier, he could equally be the one to back down.

Looking back at some replies from posters in the parents position on this thread, I'd actually tell my husband to go swivel if he said he'd leave me if my family didn't view his children as equal to our DC together or "demand" that they be given equal gifts and always be included in everything or though of like a grandchild / niece or nephew. I don't think anyone has the right to demand that from anyone personally. Especially so when you've not made any real effort to build a relationship between YOUR child and your partners family.

If it was such a priority for my husband I'd expect him to make it clear early on and to go out of his way to make the effort in building this bond. Not just sit back and demand everyone view his kids as equal to their own grandchildren despite never really seeing them. I'd think he'd lost his mind expecting that of my parents.

Neither did the evil stepmother in Cinderella. Some women have children to make a family but it doesn't necessarily mean they like children. You think about that.

He did

😂 it’s hardly Schopenhauer.

A stepmother doesn’t in fact have to take on a parental role, or expect her family to. You may not like this, but your approval isn’t in fact required.

If willingness to take on a parental role is what a parent wants in a partner then it’s entirely on them to make sure they get it, and not date people who don’t agree.

So if you don't consider a stepchild your own then you're comparable to the evil SM in Cinderella? 🤣

OK. I'm quite nice actually, I don't recall ever demanding my SS's sweep the chimney whilst I sent my DC off to the ball or anything but who knew!

No I don't consider children, who literally aren't my children, as my own so I guess evil I must be!

Would you treat them differently if your SC and your own children were in the same room?

That's what the OP's husband doesn't like his child being treated differently and from what the op has posted it has happened more than once from her parents.

Invitations for weddings are usually sent quite far in advance - so how would they have know that step child wouldn't be with father at that time?

I wonder how the will be written if that's the position?

Will his child be excluded or given less than her own child because she doesn't see her as her own child?

Yes, probably. It’s entirely normal in blended families for each party to bequeath their half to their own biological children.