Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Beyond the minor annoyance they’ve already expressed I doubt they’ll care. Certainly not enough to cloud their day.

And yet here we are.

And this is why the DH is not attending. I'd imagine he'd as soon tread dog poo through the house as attend such a gathering of mildly to severely dislikeable minds. Simple.

Just to give my perspective as I have been a step child and my DD (13) is also a step child, although our situation is slightly different as both of us had stepdads, whereas you’re a step mum. Also, neither me nor my mum have had any other children. Neither birth father’s had much involvement, although we are both in contact with them.

Anyway, both my step dad and DP’s families have treated us both like their own - grandparents, aunts, uncles and even when remarriages have happened. I think it’s sad that your family don’t to be honest, even more so as you have had your own child as it’s much more likely that your step child will feel the disinterest. You may think they won’t, but they’ve known you their whole lives (let’s be real, most people don’t have many memories before five years of age).

DP’s family have just come back from being away and bought both me and DD beautiful presents (nothing got DP lol) and when DD was struggling at school and we didn’t have a lot of money, they paid for extra classes for her. Her step granddad gives her pocket money and she frequently does things with her step aunt and her step grandmother. She feels completely loved and part of the family, as do I.

We have also been together for just over 8 years. If we had another child together, nothing would change. We’ve been on trips, to weddings etc and she has been invited to everything, as was I when i was a child. If your husband and child are accepted and included as part of the family, so should your stepchild be. I think both you and your family have a really weird take on this whole situation tbh and you really have no idea if it is or isn’t making your stepchild feel excluded. Thank god her dad has got her back and refuses to let her be treated differently.

Who says he’s not attending? He’s already apologised to OP.

I highly doubt that not attending would inflict some grievous injury on OP’s family though.

My sister has a step son. We treat him like family. All of us do. He is included in everything, holidays, parties, christmas, birthday. Why would we do anything else?

That's what families do. It's totally normal in this day and age. Blended families are so common

Petty and spiteful to leave the young girl out.

Did your sister realise when she sent out the invites that SD was not with you the day of the wedding or was this given as an excuse after your DH queried it?
Like he said though SD bio mum would have happily swapped so SD could attend the wedding. Has reading these responses made you question your stance on this matter or do you still think your DH is in the wrong?

Well it's annoyed them enough to call him manipulative and weird so they aren't oblivious to it. It isn't even just the wedding though, this will be a rift that will last. My SIL hasn't forgiven me for not attending the wedding when she married my brother and that was 30 years ago.

Seems odd if they knew that when they barely know the child and have nothing to do with her but weeks, maybe months, in advance they knew where she would be.

Right, but being annoyed by someone and calling them manipulative is hardly the same thing as being deeply wounded by and upset about them. A rift really doesn’t need to be considered inherently problematic or distressing, especially if it’s with someone you’re not too bothered about in the first place. If I don’t particularly like someone then oh well, I just don’t think about them 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s normal if you’re a mean-spirited old Scrooge. Otherwise, no it’s not.

He has to apologise he's married to her and he loves his family unconditionally. It could leave a stain on their marriage and he may be apprehensive to meet the inlaws at family gatherings. I wouldn't leave out a child regardless she is still family.

I get the impression the OP has deliberately been vague on this but we do seem to be missing some fairly key context for the wedding itself here.

How big is the wedding? Is it a small occasion, just very close family / handful of people? Or is it a larger affair with friends and their families? Are other children invited from non-family friends etc? Or maybe just children of relatives?

All the talk of "my sister barely knows her" seems very odd when you are talking about an 11 year old, unless the wedding literally involves only a handful of people closest to the couple themselves.

If it's a larger occasion where friends and their families are invited, I've genuinely never heard of a bride and groom selectively inviting specific children from within families based on "how well we know them." It's not as if they will be spending any time with them on the day anyway (unless the want to obviously), that's clearly not really the point when you make the decision to invite children in the first place.

My brother had a wedding where only very close family were invited, around 12 people if I recall. It was a sit down meal & evening drinks, and I could imagine perhaps the situation the OP has described would be more understandable with something like that?

He’s known their stance for the entirety of his relationship with OP. If he wants to take issue with it now then that is of course his choice and any apprehension he now feels is on him to cope with. It doesn’t mean OP and/or her family need to change to suit him.

Again, she’s family, in the same way his mother is family, and they don’t need to invite her to the wedding either.

Yeah I get that. However because there have previously been issues like the holdiay etc you'd think they would have anticipated that it would cause a problem and just invite the SC initially?

Maybe I'm just putting myself in the bride and grooms shoes and thinking it really wouldn't be worth the drama for the
sake of inviting a child.

Quite so, but equally he doesn't need to accept the invitation. As MN frequently tells us 'it's an invite not a summons'. We are told constantly that we don't need to attend a wedding where circumstances make it difficult for us to do so, or where there is a relationship issue. As OP's sister and husband don't appear to like each other very much – or even at all – he's probably no more bothered than they are by his non-attendance, sounds like it might suit both parties.

You made a comment about what I posted it was a light-hearted joke that you took seriously. What you have posted above you believe that stepchildren don't deserve the same respect as the rest of their siblings because they are only half and not fully part of the family. I haven't got it in me to have those thoughts about children. I have 4 wonderful children and if any of them became step-parents I will welcome their stepchildren with open arms and treat them as my grandchildren.

The op has chosen not to change their view on her stepchild. I don't blame op's family I blame the op for not challenging it or having a conversation. I don't think it's a big deal to invite her stepchild but the op and her sister do which is weird. They sound like a family who thrives on conflict and the latest one being over a child. It sounds like petty nonsense to me and can easily be sorted with an invite.

Why is it on them to avoid conflict by bending to suit the DH, when he is also capable of avoiding conflict by not putting his expectations on them?

He’s the one creating an issue here, choosing this to take a half hearted stand over when he’s already a decade deep. He doesn’t even have his daughter over the wedding, so it’s not like he’s scrambling for childcare.

All he's done is told the op he is not going to the wedding if his daughter can't go. He married the op, not her sister and he doesn't have to go he's not related to his wife's family. He probably doesn't like the op's family so why would he want to go?

He hasn't stopped his wife going or his daughter from being a flower girl for the wedding. Why does he have to be there?

He doesn’t, although I suspect he will in fact go. The ‘issue’ is that he’s decided to take a stand about the well established status quo a decade into the relationship. When the stepdaughter isn’t even with her father on the day of the wedding.

Do you think the SC's mother would decline the invite because it's her weekend with her daughter?
I highly doubt she would say no to her daughter going.

Sounds like an excuse to me.

Yes he COULD ask the mother to swap, and she might say yes (though if I were her and I had any kind of plans with DSD that would be disrupted, I'd be thinking it wasn't worth it so she could go to the wedding of people she barely knows who are related to her step mum). But the point is, he doesn't need to do that, he isn't due to have her, he could have just gone without kicking up a fuss and nobody, including DSD, would have cared.

No idea. The point is he didn’t need to propose it in the first place and create an issue over it.

He’s a decade into being with OP, he already knows his child isn’t considered close family or a grandchild/niece by his in laws.

You’d think if that was important to him he’d have established that well before now, considering he didn’t have to start or continue a relationship with someone who didn’t share his viewpoint. Instead he’s decided to kick up a fuss and then quickly back down on it. Pointless.

Anyway, it’s going around and around in circles. The different camps aren’t going to agree, and OP meanwhile is getting on with her life. Of course someone else will post in a few days about a stepchild issue and carnage will once again commence.

Except OP's DH isnt' happy with it.