Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Stepchild is a part of your family. I think your dh is right on this. You'd be very upset if your dd was being excluded in this way

I think your family sounds pretty shitty if I’m honest.

Sounds like you don't consider your SC as part of your family OP. What an awful way to treat a family member.

Me too. How horrible they're all intentionally excluding a pre-teen.

I wouldn't go either if sister was excluding part of your family

Your stepchild is part of your family and lives with you some of the time. Part of the family unit. Your family is incredibly mean and I'm absolutely not surprised by your DH's reaction.

Why is it that your sister "won't budge"? That's not an oversight, it's deliberate and seems rather petty, tribal and unkind to me. They're making it clear that your stepdaughter isn't family. It's not hard to see why your husband would refuse to attend and condone that attitude.

Your parents don't buy a gift for your stephild, a child that has been in your life in excess of 8 years and is (at a guess) 11 or 12 years old???

I’d feel the same as your DH. I have a stepdaughter and I can’t imagine my sister not inviting her to her wedding; they rarely see my DSD yet have always involved her when they do including Christmas and birthday parents. Very clear message from your family about their views on your stepchild and it’s quite honestly shitty and pretty bad on your part for not feeling the same.

Your family don't come across well in your op. Why wouldn't your parents bring a present to your step kid's birthday?! If I'm invited to anyone's birthday, family or not, I always bring a present. Even just a little token one.

As for weddings, we invited all sorts of random plus ones because that's what you do. If you're my friend, I'll invite someone important to you to accompany you.

I can see why your dh feels he isn't welcome and I wouldn't go either in his place

Why don't your parents bring a gift for your DSC if out for a joint birthday meal? I think that is rude.

I can see both sides with regards to the wedding as your sister doesn't really know DSC but they are a part of your family.

Would they actively want to go?

To be honest I see both sides. My sister got married last year and I was bridesmaid and my dd flower girl. My partners daughter my sd was not invited either to day or night as my sister hardly knows her and she's not her blood niece. She does buy her Xmas gifts etc which is nice. My partner did not kick off or say anything as he understands the situation they don't know eachother really. They just have only met a few times and due to expense of a wedding it's a lot to invite another person thst you don't have a bond. Tbh I wasn't offended and if wedding had been on a wknd we have his child then my partner would have changed the wknd
.

If I was your DH I would attend the wedding

You have been married 8 yrs , your stepchild is a member of your family , you are a family of 4 not 3 .

If it's a numbers thing, fair enough, why should a random child sister doesn't know be there over an actual friend?
If it's just about making a point, it's weird and wrong. I had people I wouldn't necessarily have been bothered about at my wedding to avoid hurting the people I was bothered about. Why would you want your wedding to be the source of upset for anyone?

my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them

Why?

You've been married for 8 years. Must have known him for a bit before that.

So, why has BIL never even met him ? Do you not see them often? Perhaps they're far away...?

You're very vague about how often the dc is with you?

How often is your dc with you?

I don't blame him.

I don't know, I don't think the husband can go to zero effort to integrate his dd into the OPs family then expect her to be invited along to just the fun stuff. That's not family is it?

I'm guessing that your husband feels upset that his daughter is not being considered a part of the family after 8 years...

Your parents are cruel it wouldnt have hurt to bring a token gift. I'm glad his put his foot down. What happens at Christmas? You been together 8 years! She's a teenager so was a small child when you met and your family made no effort with her. Your attitude to this is equally appalling. I'm with your dh on this its nice to see a decent dad standing up for his child. You're sister is equally awful.

As a step child myself I find this so sad.
I was 7 when my step mum came along and 8 when my Mum also met someone else.
Our Step families welcomed us with open arms, we were invited to all family occasions
and felt secure, wanted and loved.
I want to ask how you feel about your Step child... my Stepmum would have pitched a fit if we weren't invited as a family unit. My stepdad would have been the same. This isn't some random kid, this child is a member of your family.

I think your sister is being fair, she doesn’t know the SC…. They are not her family and you don’t even have them for that time anyway.

Your DH needs to grow up and realise not everyone cares about his kid and that’s fine.

Sorry but I'm with your husband on this, you've been together a long time. Have a child together etc so not inviting the step child is just wrong, they are part of your family. If your sister doesn't know them well I suspect they aren't close to your shared dc either, but they want the cute flower girl

It's his own fault imo, he hardly has the child anyway and yet expects others that don't see them or have a relationship to consider them automatically.
No, yet again a " father " does the minimum required but kicks up a stink when others do the same.
He can sit at home and sulk.

YANBU.

Beyond being friendly on the rare occasion they see her, they have no reason to form a close relationship. Yours isn’t a nuclear family, and your husband cannot force the grandparents/in-law roles on your family of origin.