Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I’ve got cousins and other family members I’ve barely or never met. I’m a random person to them, as they are random people to me. I’m not worried about anyone else considering that to be rude.

YANBU.

Why on earth would they invite a child they don't know? Your DH is being a prick.

I can't get my head round this either. Or the lack of invitation.

Many people invite plus ones. I would say it is more unusual to only invite people you have a close personal relationship with unless it is a very small wedding. There are often partners of friends or family that neither the bride or groom is close to but they are invited due to their relational promixity to a close family member or friend.

I completely get why your DH is being firm on this. I have a fantastic relationship with my Stepmum, she always tells people she has three kids and never refers to me as her stepdaughter, just ‘one of my girls’. However, there are still members of her family (who I’ve known since I was 3 or 4) who will address Christmas cards to my SM, my Dad and my brother and sister (their biological kids) and miss me off like I don’t exist. They’ve also referred to me as my Dad’s daughter (not SM’s stepdaughter, or even just my bloody name) in my earshot 🙃 and these are people with their own stepkids! My Dad would probably refuse to go to the wedding too, and my SM would back him up on it.

The birthday present thing made me sad, your parents would actually turn up to a joint birthday meal for both kids and bring a present for just one? Not even a small token gift and card for your stepchild? Not surprised your husband doesn’t want them at the meal if that’s how they behave, it still stings as an adult to see my name missed off a family Christmas card so I can’t imagine how I’d have felt as a kid if my birthday was ignored at my own birthday meal!

Because they are part of OP's family unit,and decent people would. Unless it was adults only of course.

So bloody emotive. "Your half siblings don't know your maternal family" is miles apart from "your half siblings don't matter".

It isn't helpful to pretend not knowing someone is a comment on how much you think they matter.

This is the other way round but my stepson is getting married in November and has invited my parents, my sister and brother in law and my niece and nephew (as well as DH and my two DC). So I can see why your DH doesn’t feel OK at his DD not being invited.

I never understand why some people feel you need a relationship with all the guests at your wedding. Some people at our wedding we met for the first time that day. But they were there because it made it nicer for another guest. It isn’t all about the bride and groom IMO anyway.

I think your husband is right. I wouldn't feel welcome if my child clearly wasn't either. So you have one sibling with a main part, dress, shoes, hair, plenty of attention and one who can't even attend.

I’m on the side she is your family and should have be invited. The stupid thing is as a child in secondary she is unlikely to want to come! I suspect if she had of been invited she would have declined.
If my sister declined to invite my stepchild I would have pulled out of her wedding in support of my hubby and stepchild. So unfortunately you are also part of the problem.

That is really nasty. Your family have had years to get to know your step child and by the sounds of it from a young age. I think they and by extension you have behaved badly here. Your family unit includes the step child. Your daughter is going to be a flower girl, you chief bridesmaid but your stepchild not invited. That doesn’t not sit well at all.

Your daughter is in the wedding party. Her sister is not even invited.

I wasn't lucky enough to get to know my children's half-brother. His mother disappeared with him and despite our best efforts, we couldn't track them down. I really hope though, that had we been lucky enough to have him in our lives, that my family would have been much more welcoming than yours has been.

I can't imagine going to a joint birthday party and only give a gift to one of the children.

Your DH is not being weird at all. He's putting his child first. Which is exactly what he should be doing.

You are a family and should go to events together. Poor stepchild

So now OP herself is expected to burn bridges with her close family because her SC who isn't even with them on the day isn't invited? I call that incredibly manipulative and sad.

You began losing me when you said your parents didn't bring presents for your stepson if they came to a joint birthday meal. I have step grandchildren, and I wouldn't dream of doing something as nasty as that. My other children also treat the steps as their nephew and niece, and my DS invited the whole family to his wedding. It rather looks as if your sister is taking her attitudes from your parents, and I am really surprised that you condone it.

Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild.

OP what has happened since then? Did he have evidence that your parents wouldn't do anything for his DC?

I'm just wondering (based on previous threads by other OPs) if he is the sort who won't let your joint DC do anything nice without his, even if they are not with you you can't because his DC will be missing out on it.

she's not her blood niece.

This distinction makes me beyond angry. You spend years and huge amounts of effort building a blended family and then someone who isn’t part of it comes out with this shit. A similar situation caused a huge chasm in our family and I doubt it will ever be repaired. Unnecessary destructive nastiness.

Your family sound awful! That poor bloody child.

Disgusting when people have children with someone who is already a parent, and then mistreat the original children.

I can't even imagine what the fuck is wrong with you if you actually think it's acceptable to show up to a joint childrens' birthday party, your grandchild's and your daughter's stepchild's birthdays, and you don't bring a gift for the stepchild. I can't believe anyone can even think this way.

Op, this is disgraceful, and it's doubly disgraceful if you didn't immediately chastise your parents for doing such a cruel thing.

Half siblings? My DC consider their 'half' siblings to be siblings. Children don't make these distinctions unless adults tell them.

And yes, the subliminal message to the younger DC is that their older sibling doesn't matter, particularly if their joint dad attends the wedding.

DH is correct.

Step child is part of your family. When I got married I invited my cousins SS as a part of their family and let them decide if child wanted to go or was at mums etc

It would have been polite and kind of your sister to invite them imo. I’m not surprised at your DPs reaction as the whole thing shows that they don’t particularly see him as part of your family either just because he has a previous one.

Makes no sense either. The DH isn't a blood relation, so no problems if he's not invited either, right?

Do they have a half sibling that you are blood related to? Allowing a plus 1 to the DH, who will be sitting on his own because his wife and child has a role in the wedding, Isn't a big ask, then throw in it's his child and you share blood relatives, it's bloody rude.

It would have been a good bonding experience for the siblings.

As for the present, you'd at least throw £5 in a card. My boyfriend's Mum gave my children selection boxes at Christmas the first year we were together, it actually meant a lot.