Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Bingo.

Weddings like this can really take over the extended families - especially with you being bridesmaid and DD being flower girl . It's cruel to leave step child out of it as they joined your family so young.

Good for your husband for doing what he can to protect his child’s feelings! If only more fathers were like him.

You mean, you're lucky enough to know people rich enough to have EVERYONE they want? Or need? So they don't have to be 'precious'?
There's no such thing as a 'child's seat'. Every attendee, even babes in arms, counts towards the maximum limit due to fire safety regulations.

Fair enough if it's a big marquee in a farm or something and SC isn't invited but how do you know it's not just 50 people in a restaurant? Again, you lot might be loaded but not all of us are.

Maybe the sister doesn't even care where OP's H is there actually. Fabu if he drops out. More room to invite someone else.

I think this is awful. I have 2 step daughters 13 & 7, plus our joint child age 1. My family always have and always will treat them as part of the family, because they are. Your poor step daughter and it's no surprise your husband has declined. That's what any good parent would do. How sad

It's your husbands choice not to come as he obviously isn't please his child has not been invited. Your sister should back down and invite the child. Bit mean of her to exclude.

Can see your DH's side and agree with him. Your family come across quite poorly here and by the sound of it have sent a clear message about how they view him and family for quite some time.

Would have been a great opportunity then to get to know a child which will hopefully be a lifelong part of ops family.

Possibly, but I wouldn't make a wedding - a time when said opportunity comes at a direct cost to them, the time to insist on that happening. Especially when she isn't even due to be with them that day so this would naturally fall into the (usually pretty wide) category of "things that happened while you were at your mum's, which you are most of the time".

My family don't really need to know my DSS better than they do because their paths rarely cross.

I'm very surprised that your parents would think it acceptable to show up at 2 childrens birthday dinner and not bring some sort of gift for their daughters stepchild. I'm also surprised you seem to have thought this OK. Poor child.

I doubt it, ops husband hardly ever has her to visit by the sounds of it, that responsibility is on him, he has failed his child/ren by not being present or engaging.

I agree! We’ve been far more welcoming to foster children living with my cousin on temporary respite care.

No no, that's our immature reading of Sofa's posts! He/she obviously has a very happy SC situation going on

....ok?

I can see both sides. But I think step child should have been invited. It sounds like your family need to be more involved with step child if they live with you half the time.

She doesn't though, never has been 50/50 going by the first post and now even less.

No no, that's our immature reading of Sofa's posts! He/she obviously has a very happy SC situation going on

That's right, just back up the person supporting you rather than actually addressing how illogical your comment was when it was pointed out.

That hasn't been mentioned though. OP didn't mention numbers or restrictions.

I assume guests have a plus one...

As for your comment about being 'rich', in spirit I am, especially when it comes to wilfully leaving kids out of an occasion where including them is the right thing to do.

Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild.

Given that situation could only have happened at most once before, and that was when the other dc was 1yo (and we don't know even if it happened then) then surely the better situation was to, rather than excluding the parents, probably for something they knew nothing about, ask you to have a quiet word and ask if they could bring a small token present.
By just excluding the parents they probably felt they weren't welcome in the sc life.
On the time you asked if they could join for the holiday, they changed and paid for them, so it's reasonable to consider that if you'd asked them to buy a token present then they would have done it without any issues.

How much effort has your dh put into making sure your parents are included when you do something with sc?

It's the correct post. We personally know every single one of our guests. Same principle for my other friends who had similar sized weddings.
Most people were invited in groups 'e.g. members of a hobby group' and the few that weren't I was honest with. I told them I had limited space and would understand if they didn't want to come alone. Surprise surprise, all of them accepted!

Why do wider families need to be more involved with SC though? It's up to them. I'm certainly not forcing the situation with my SC. We see my family without them at times when they're not with us, and that suits everyone.

Out of interest, would your parents come to a joint birthday party for your joint child and stepchild without a gift for each child? If they spent Christmas with you and DSS was there, would they give him a gift?

Also - I think the tone of this thread is different precisely because it isn't in the stepparent forum. There are lots of people posting here who do in fact have experience of these relationships, but from the stepchild's perspective, or the natural parent's, or the extended family's - and some voices from outside the situation who give an impression of how society at large might view things. That's not a bad thing. Those voices have equal weight here in a way they wouldn't on the stepparent forum. - and OP isn't a stepmother seeking likeminded support. I would assume she wanted a broader range of opinions.

Well, I'm too immature to puzzle out why my comment was illogical.

My emotive nature is running away with me, thinking about a child that's been in a family unit with her dad and stepmum for over 8 years, but stepmum doesn't seem to consider her as part of the wider family.

Space was made for my sibling and me at a wedding when we ended up unexpectedly staying with my grandparents as my Mum had been rushed to hospital. Never met the bride and groom before but my grandparents were invited and when they heard, the called up to say we must go too. We were made so welcome and one of my favourite childhood memories.

I understand his point and I’d stand firm on this. Sorry but if I had a step child I’d expect them to be invited the same as my own child. Very unfair

It's surprising that your parents would think it acceptable to not bring some sort of gift for their daughters stepchild, but with their attitude, I suppose your sisters stance is understandable. But you see, this must be down to you allowing the situation to continue.
I applaud your DH. Hopefully the upset he feels may lead to him having his DD more often, and I hope your joint DD will be asking why her sister will not be present to share a happy family occasion.

She hasn't, but I did mention that. We don't have enough information and if there's oodles of space then yeah it's U. But not otherwise.
I'm not surprised that most people are assuming about plus ones. That's certainly the case for most weddings on DP's side. But they're all either in a church on on the family farm with a marquee. Basically free venue.

Having spoken to lots of venues this year fewer and fewer people are taking on the big weddings, many who had them postponed even before Covid had them cancelled actually. Rate rises and COL have hit people hard. I know more than a few who canned the entire thing and decided to just elope.

@MargaretThursday exactly.

I think there's more to this than meets the eye.