Page 5 | Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 2023-08-19T13:04:56+00:00

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful. Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary. Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid. My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother. So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids. My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum. My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past. My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

WetBandits · 19/08/2023 14:54

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 14:50

she's not her blood niece.

This distinction makes me beyond angry. You spend years and huge amounts of effort building a blended family and then someone who isn’t part of it comes out with this shit. A similar situation caused a huge chasm in our family and I doubt it will ever be repaired. Unnecessary destructive nastiness.

Exactly! It’s also nonsense as my parents’ siblings’ spouses aren’t my ‘blood’ but they’re still my Aunties and Uncles

rand0mstuff · 19/08/2023 14:54

Team DH here. You and your family sound really shitty in the way the exclude a child that is part of the family.

RedDedRedemption · 19/08/2023 14:54

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 14:43

Many people invite plus ones. I would say it is more unusual to only invite people you have a close personal relationship with unless it is a very small wedding. There are often partners of friends or family that neither the bride or groom is close to but they are invited due to their relational promixity to a close family member or friend.

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Depends on your family/social circle though.
We're getting married later this year, been in the works for 1.5 years.
Most proper venues have the 'standard' package as 40-50 day guests, 100 evening but recently have started introducing smaller packages, 'micro-weddings'. They told us it was becoming more and more popular especially after Covid.

People just can't afford it. The only people I know who have had 'normal' weddings have had significant family help but it's too expensive for everyone else if you're not religious, as hire costs for 'venues' are through the roof, so is catering. Our 30 person wedding is costing upwards of 6K and that's with economising as much as possible (second-hand dress, no wedding car, etc). We have no family help, my parents already gave us money for a house deposit so that's it.

I wouldn't assume as to a wedding size these days.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 14:54

AgathaMiss · 19/08/2023 14:53

Makes no sense either. The DH isn't a blood relation, so no problems if he's not invited either, right?

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I know.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 14:55

Half siblings? My DC consider their 'half' siblings to be siblings. Children don't make these distinctions unless adults tell them.

Again, you are adding emotive connotations where they don't exist. My DC don't consider themselves "half" siblings either, as in, they don't use that phrase, but it is still factual, and they do both understand that they have family the other does not due to having different mothers.

And yes, the subliminal message to the younger DC is that their older sibling doesn't matter, particularly if their joint dad attends the wedding

No, it isn't. That is your emotive, and frankly immature, reading. The message is that their older sibling doesn't really know their mum's family. That is all. Not knowing someone doesn't mean they "don't matter".

Loulou599 · 19/08/2023 14:56

You are doing a great job preparing your DC to become "the chosen one" leading to all sorts of narc-like issues later.

My brother is technically my half brother. To me he's just my brother. I am glad my mother didn't remarry into a horrible, selfish family like yours.

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 14:56

All those weeping and wailing about the poor step child - would you leave equal shares in your will to an unrelated child? If you are a step parent would you still see the child if you divorced their father?

It isn't the same - pretending it is is just silly.

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 14:56

Your family sound nasty. I’d be really upset if I was your husband.

They don’t bring gifts for both children at a joint birthday event? No wonder they weren’t invited again. How spiteful of them.

So they make zero effort with your stepchild and you still expect your husband to attend? Why? If his child isn’t your family then neither is your sister to him. Why should he give a shit about her wedding? After all ‘she isn’t a blood relative.’

Didntmeanto6 · 19/08/2023 14:57

@aSofaNearYou
I don't think you should be calling PP immature just because you have your own baggage surrounding your choices

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 14:57

Ugh, how on earth could your sister deliberately exclude your husband of 8 year's child to her wedding.

'wont budge'

I wouldn't want anything to do with your side of the family if I were him. It also doesn't matter if they don't know dsc well, you do!!!!!!

A fucking child's seat and meal!!!!!! I am so glad I don't know such people who are so precious about who attends their wedding.

Ghosttofu99 · 19/08/2023 14:57

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 14:55

Half siblings? My DC consider their 'half' siblings to be siblings. Children don't make these distinctions unless adults tell them.

Again, you are adding emotive connotations where they don't exist. My DC don't consider themselves "half" siblings either, as in, they don't use that phrase, but it is still factual, and they do both understand that they have family the other does not due to having different mothers.

And yes, the subliminal message to the younger DC is that their older sibling doesn't matter, particularly if their joint dad attends the wedding

No, it isn't. That is your emotive, and frankly immature, reading. The message is that their older sibling doesn't really know their mum's family. That is all. Not knowing someone doesn't mean they "don't matter".

Would have been a great opportunity then to get to know a child which will hopefully be a lifelong part of ops family.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 14:57

Yes - in fact am doing. And yes - I’d be gutted never to see them again.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 14:58

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 14:56

All those weeping and wailing about the poor step child - would you leave equal shares in your will to an unrelated child? If you are a step parent would you still see the child if you divorced their father?

It isn't the same - pretending it is is just silly.

Yes - in fact am doing. And yes - I’d be gutted never to see them again.

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 14:58

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 14:56

All those weeping and wailing about the poor step child - would you leave equal shares in your will to an unrelated child? If you are a step parent would you still see the child if you divorced their father?

It isn't the same - pretending it is is just silly.

Id definitely leave them something in my will and yes.

Why the hell do people get involved with parents of small children if you don’t actually want to be involved with them? Op and her family are really really shitty! Family isn’t just blood.

WetBandits · 19/08/2023 14:58

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 14:56

All those weeping and wailing about the poor step child - would you leave equal shares in your will to an unrelated child? If you are a step parent would you still see the child if you divorced their father?

It isn't the same - pretending it is is just silly.

My SM told me recently that she’s made me 1/3 joint beneficiary in her will alongside my brother and sister (her biological kids) 🤷🏼‍♀️ some people genuinely love their stepkids, I guess. HTH

NoraBattysCurlers · 19/08/2023 14:59

What nasty people.

I hope your husband has finally seen the light.

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 14:59

RedDedRedemption · 19/08/2023 14:54

Depends on your family/social circle though.
We're getting married later this year, been in the works for 1.5 years.
Most proper venues have the 'standard' package as 40-50 day guests, 100 evening but recently have started introducing smaller packages, 'micro-weddings'. They told us it was becoming more and more popular especially after Covid.

People just can't afford it. The only people I know who have had 'normal' weddings have had significant family help but it's too expensive for everyone else if you're not religious, as hire costs for 'venues' are through the roof, so is catering. Our 30 person wedding is costing upwards of 6K and that's with economising as much as possible (second-hand dress, no wedding car, etc). We have no family help, my parents already gave us money for a house deposit so that's it.

I wouldn't assume as to a wedding size these days.

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I didn't assume a wedding size. Did you reply to the right post?

I was talking about whether every guest is truly a close friend of the bride or groom. Even in a wedding of 30 people there might be a spouse or partner who is not one of your closest friends. Are you inviting spouses / partners or only the person you are closest to?

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 14:59

CwmYoy · 19/08/2023 14:56

All those weeping and wailing about the poor step child - would you leave equal shares in your will to an unrelated child? If you are a step parent would you still see the child if you divorced their father?

It isn't the same - pretending it is is just silly.

A meal and place at a wedding is starkly different to a place in a will.

Pretending otherwise is just silly @CwmYoy

Loulou599 · 19/08/2023 14:59

@CwmYoy
WTF!°
Of course it's the same. My dad raised me from the age of 4, I'm well into my 30s now and of course I will be in his will, of course if my mum divorced him he would still be my dad, and in old age of course I will care for him

Sighhhhh · 19/08/2023 14:59

You, your parents, your sister and BIL all sound quite cruel. Your DH is right to stand his ground on this and actually care about his child…someone has to.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 14:59

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 14:51

I can't even imagine what the fuck is wrong with you if you actually think it's acceptable to show up to a joint childrens' birthday party, your grandchild's and your daughter's stepchild's birthdays, and you don't bring a gift for the stepchild. I can't believe anyone can even think this way.

Op, this is disgraceful, and it's doubly disgraceful if you didn't immediately chastise your parents for doing such a cruel thing.

All of this. Bet she won't though.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 14:59

Didntmeanto6 · 19/08/2023 14:57

@aSofaNearYou
I don't think you should be calling PP immature just because you have your own baggage surrounding your choices

Huh? No baggage here - happy with my perfectly functional family set up without the kind of immature, ignorant moralising that happens on here.

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 15:00

Op, you’re also going to mess your own child up with this kind of separation between the siblings.

Olifada · 19/08/2023 15:00

Wow this is awful by your sister and parents, and your DH is totally right to be angry. I have half siblings and a step child so maybe I’m more used to more mixed families, but the idea of picking on a child like this to exclude them from a family event or from birthday presents is so unnecessarily mean. Family isn’t only ‘blood’ and this child has been in your life for eight years! My parents treat my step child as a full grandchild, it would never have occurred to them to differentiate.

Didntmeanto6 · 19/08/2023 15:00

@aSofaNearYou
Sure you are 😉