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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
aeral · 19/08/2023 17:15

Leave them all to it. See how they get on without their "maid" this is not what you signed up for. You DH & BIL will soon change their minds. Go, have a break away if you can. Sounds like you need and deserve it.

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2023 17:16

No solicitor would oversee 25% of the purchase price being given to someone who has no legal interest in the property. Is that were the annexe money went? You need legal advice. You won't get top up benefits etc while you own a house that you don't live in, while not legally separated. Perhaps you don't need them. At the same time if social care come after the asset, you are both liable. I know this because I've given away an inherited house and we've swapped properties in the family. Special insurance is needed if a claim is made by a public body. Your MIL has been f'd over, as said and you will to. You've been a fool and need to start making real threats about the whole legal position and going after not just the house, but the 25% paid to FIL.

LakieLady · 19/08/2023 17:16

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:35

House belongs to DH and I. It was FIL’s house but we bought it and FIL continued to live here. FIL keeps telling BIL he feels I’m trying to push him out of his home.

It may be his home for now, but it's not his fucking house any more!

FIL needs to be reminded that it is no longer his house, and that his status is little more than that of a guest. Therefore, he should treat his hosts with respect.

Tryingmuchharder · 19/08/2023 17:20

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:34

You have fixed it.
You’ve proposed 2 solutions.

  1. separated accommodation
  2. you leave
So, leave.
Show quote history

This.

BIL is a dick. Husband isn't helping at all.

Tel them to get on with 1 or 2 happens by X date.

BlueMongoose · 19/08/2023 17:21

If he was my FIL in this sort of case he'd be doing his own washing, cooking, and washing up. And that's just for starters.
If my DH and BIL dared to say that it was my 'job' to look after their father, and that it was me who had the problem with their father, not their father who was being a problem to me, I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. You don't have a problem with your FIL. It's him making your life a misery. So if anyone has a 'job' here, it's DH and BIL- as in, it is their 'job' to sort their father out and stop him imposing on you.
You need legal advice on how to get out of this mess, it's as simple as that.

Eddielizzard · 19/08/2023 17:22

Are you in a position to leave? How old are your kids?

JohnofOxford · 19/08/2023 17:26

@PickleConfused , Go away for 2 nights, that will give DH a taste of what it is like. Get yourself legal advice and arrange a formal letter to DH stating your entitlements and wishes. NOT at this stage a threat of divorce.
If that doesn't work, book yourself a week away.

Soapyspuds · 19/08/2023 17:29

You are not allowed to threaten to kill somebody

You are allowed to threaten to move out

MrsElsa · 19/08/2023 17:32

HumourReplacementTherapy · 19/08/2023 17:05

If fil needs care in his old age then depravation of assets could apply and they can go back as far as they like to look at assets, You and DH could find yourselves with a massive care cost bill and no bloody house at all.
What a mess.

This is a terrifying possibility.

I also think OP should seek legal advice and take H for every penny. He has taken the absolute michael.

itsgettingweird · 19/08/2023 17:36

Tell BIL you have another solution.

His father is moving in with him!

Bumcake · 19/08/2023 17:38

I wouldn’t call that a threat, it’s you saying what you need to be happy. I can see why it suits BIL to have you skivvy for his dad; he should butt out honestly.

Anyport · 19/08/2023 17:41

It is really your DH issue to resolve.
It is no longer FIL house, he sold it to you.
Move out for a week, at the moment they don't believe you.
Ignore your BIL and if necessary have no contact with him whatsoever.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 19/08/2023 17:42

Testina · 19/08/2023 14:44

@ifIwerenotanandroid tell that to the OP, not me 😉. When I told my XH, “if you do x, I will divorce you”, I did just that!

I was agreeing with you. And good for you!

BasiliskStare · 19/08/2023 17:49

I think you have separate problems here

  1. DH & DBIL expecting you look after their father

  2. The financial situation with the house which sounds ( without more clarity ) a potentially ham fisted and ill advised move to avoid Inheritance tax or care home fees - it may not be . If It were me I would want to know exactly was the situation is with the house. If it OK then so be it - but it sounds odd. I would want it to be explained to me by a solicitor if DH & DBIL cannot explain it properly with legal documents to prove it

  3. DH not being more up front and expecting his DB to help out more to take some load off you & not taking you seriously if you say you cannot go on like this. The problem I think you have is if you leave for a short while they will expect you back if you have no where long term to go . Which is why I would get the finances sorted out especially the house & then present DH with - & here is what I am owed in the event of a divorce and in the interim you & DBIL clear up after DFIL.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/08/2023 17:51

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 17:05

And is the reason why any half decent solicitor advises against doing so

Agree.

XPILS wanted to sell their house to their three adult DC and continue to live in it when they were still in their fifties.

Financial advisor explained how this would mean their DIL (me) SIL and any future SIL would be able to claim in it as a marital asset in the event of divorce.

They soon wised up! Shame really…😂

Daftapath · 19/08/2023 17:56

Op do you have access to your family savings and/or any other assets - pensions, shares, etc?

Tinkerbyebye · 19/08/2023 17:56

I wouldn’t leave if I part owned the house. However I would tell dh and bil he is their father and they are now totally responsible for him. So they do the washing,cleaning,cooking,food shopping etc for him and if fil asks you anything you refer him to your dh or bil

BasiliskStare · 19/08/2023 18:03

One more question I would ask - further to inheritance / care home etc.

So DBIL has 50 % . DFIL now has 25 % . If you divorced DH - do you get 50% 0f 25 % - Ie are they saving the assets between them.

Seriously I would want a solicitor to look at this. Never mind about you leaving DH the whole set up as you have described it sounds dodgy. It may not be but I would want to understand it.

Testina · 19/08/2023 18:21

@BasiliskStare “So DBIL has 50 % . DFIL now has 25 % . “

Why do you say that?
BIL had 50% and sold it.
FIL had 0% and managed to talk everyone into giving him cash to the equivalent of 25% of <whatever nonsense they decided>

reesewithoutaspoon · 19/08/2023 18:29

Op and her DH basically paid out 75% of the houses value to own it outright.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 19/08/2023 18:31

My parents came to live with me and my new family and I had years of caring. It cost me my career, life savings and mental health.
They were due to live at their holiday home for half of the year. My DM hated the location so they decamped to us within a few months. Others used the chalet.
Within 5 years I was caring full time for a cancer patient with a new baby. Both refused nursing homes. I did 18 years. Both had personal care needs which is often left to family as so few people are available for this work.
Unless they have pots of money for care run for the hills. I ended up with an alcohol dependancy. Oh and I had three siblings. Never saw the buggers.

SmudgeButt · 19/08/2023 18:34

My guess is that as the woman in the household you are also doing most the house stuff, cooking, cleaning, looking after people's needs. And if FiL is older and needing extra support I quite get what a strain this can be.

Perhaps an initial step is to go away for a couple of weeks? Call it a holiday, call it respite, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if it's you staying at the Premier Inn near where you work so you can be catered to in a small way and have no responsibilities.

And who will have the responsibilities for a couple of weeks? DH, that's who! And I wonder how well he will cope? Maybe then he'll understand better how difficult dear old dad is being!!!

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/08/2023 19:05

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 15:25

Legally DH and I own the house. Although he was gifted 50% of the house so I wouldn’t lay claim on that in event of divorce.

It all made sense at the time and everything was dealt with via solicitors. We agreed to give him a cash gift because he felt like he was losing out on selling the house despite it not being in his name. I feel like a fool but we all thought it was the best solution at the time. We hoped he would use the money to enjoy himself and go on holidays.

FIL is in good health for his 70s and I assumed he would continue living independently like he had for years before we moved in. But living with him has been really hard. I didn’t realise I would be taking on another dependant. I simply thought we would work together.

If you divorce claim EVERY PPENNY you can. Your FIL has already had a considerable sum of money that he was not legally entitled to - he is avaricious as well as lazy - look at it like you are reclaiming YOUR share of the money your FIL insisted on having.

As you are married and a property owener, you are not as powerless or as vulnerable as you feel. Secretly see a divorce solicitor and find out what your financial position would be if you divorce. I suspect you’ll be much better off than you are now.

As @Amethys has said - you have ore aces in yur hand than you may think.

Stop cooking for the misogynistic old bugger. Do nothing for him. Ring fence a bedroom and turn it into your own sitting room - put a lock on the door if necessary. Don't clean up after him - either your husband can, or FIL can go and live with your BIL, and try to bully HIS wife - see how that goes,

Newnamefor23 · 19/08/2023 19:08

I think you have 3 inter-related, interdependent and yet separate problems.

FIL. Needs to up his game + pull his weight. Realise that you are not his skivvy. However what was possible, ability wise, then may not be now.

OH. Needs to understand and be supportive. Is he in his Dad's shadow/still influenced by him. Does he expect you to skivvy?

BIL. Unless he's something useful to say he needs to butt out.

Is BIL + OH's behaviour/attitude/response learnt behaviour from their father in their younger years?

A man I knew brought up his 3 lads in a quietly misogynistic way. When he got old and needed help his chickens came home to roost. You reap what you sow.

Before leaving could you explain slowly and carefully to each one your position and expectations. Withdraw good will. ie bad manners = no tea. No clean plates = no tea.

All the best.

crosstheriver · 19/08/2023 19:10

Testina · 19/08/2023 15:06

@skyeisthelimit “Your DH has been royally screwed over by both FIL and DB.”

Not so sure. My bet is the person most screwed over with that house was MIL. You know - the other vagina-owning side character in their penis drama 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agreed. It sounds to me like the three men have got together to screw over the women in their lives and have attempted to be 'smart' and avoid paying IHT, but they've bungled the whole thing.

As a female tax professional, I'm appalled at every detail the OP has given us.

An annexe isn't going to solve this, as the OP will still have to put up with forever being a second class citizen and skivvy.

LTB! And get a proper lawyer!