Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Testina · 19/08/2023 15:49

Acknowledging that I’m making this up as I go along 😉 but here’s what I think happened.

MIL and FIL had equal rights to the house - let’s say 50/50.
FIL knew this, but didn’t want her to have any of “his” money, and didn’t want to or couldn’t afford to buy her out.
So he said - tell you what, we’ll agree to give it to the boys.
MIL was downtrodden from his years of misogynistic crap and didn’t have it in her to fight it, and figured - well at least I’m protecting it for my boys.

Outcome:
FIL gets a house for life and 25% of the value
MIL gets fuck all

All I’m saying OP is, be realistic and careful about how vaginas and penises get treated in your family.

Testina · 19/08/2023 15:57

@saffronsoup “What is your definition of a threat? Not a legal definition but where do you get your definition of the word from?”

Seriously? Well, actually from 54 years of being a native, fluent and competent speaker of English. I could screenshot a dictionary definition if you want - but I can’t be bothered.

When we talk of the threat of climate change, for example - are we really only linguistically supposed to use that word if we’re referring to something that contravenes Section 16 of the Offences Against the Person Act 1861?

Mari9999 · 19/08/2023 15:59

,,@PickleConfused
It is an idle and empty threat if you don't plan to follow through with it. If you are serious having said it once
you don't have to repeat it. You need only act on it.

You don't need your permission from your BIL to determine how you should respond or react.

velvetstars · 19/08/2023 16:02

I suspect @testina has hit the nail on the head.

OP I cringed when you said you wouldn't dream of taking any of the 50% gifted to DH as if that was an honourable position to take. It's a marital asset. You've been a skivvy, lied to and manipulated by the men in this family. For heavens sake realise your worth and what you're entitled to. That house is 50% yours. Perhaps FIL could use some your own money to buy you out and he and your DH can live together.

Meanwhile you'll get a new peaceful home, perhaps with a DH who respects you but definitely without victor meldrew FIL to pick up after. Show your children a happy home where women aren't the bottom of the heap.

Oh and I'd be telling your BIL to but out. If he has any issue with FILs happiness then I assume he can happily host him at his home.

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 16:03

Testina · 19/08/2023 15:57

@saffronsoup “What is your definition of a threat? Not a legal definition but where do you get your definition of the word from?”

Seriously? Well, actually from 54 years of being a native, fluent and competent speaker of English. I could screenshot a dictionary definition if you want - but I can’t be bothered.

When we talk of the threat of climate change, for example - are we really only linguistically supposed to use that word if we’re referring to something that contravenes Section 16 of the Offences Against the Person Act 1861?

How do you talk about the threat of climate change without it referring to any form of damage or harm to the environment? That is why it is a threat.

I didn't say there needed to be a legal definition. What non legal dictionary definition of threat isn't about suffering, damage, harm, injury etc?

NoTouch · 19/08/2023 16:09

I didn’t realise I would be taking on another dependant. I simply thought we would work together.

70 year olds become dependant at some point. With my parents it seems to happen quite abruptly and then a continual decline from around mid 70s. What was the plan for his care when this happened if your dh and his brother had been given his assets?

Was the plan your dh and you would take care of him as he was living with you? Or he would go into a care home, how would this be funded? There is not a time scale on the deprivation of assets, they can come for your home.

ihadamarveloustime · 19/08/2023 16:20

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

Your BIL doesn't get a vote since he's not living with his father and dealing with the issues. Tell him to do one ... unless that was an offer to take in FIL himself.

It's not a threat; it's an ultimatum and sounds like a fair one if you've reached the end of his tether.

Shared living isn't working. FIL needs to find a different place to live and your DH needs to deal with the situation.

ihadamarveloustime · 19/08/2023 16:21

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:52

I’m not trying to push FIL out of the house. When we bought the house it was with the agreement we would convert part of house into annexe for FIL. Other more urgent renovations had to be carried out first so the annexe had to wait.
Since then FIL has changed his mind and doesn’t want to live independently because then he would have to cook his own meals and clear up after himself.

Stop cooking for him and cleaning up after him.

Tell your DH it is now 100% his responsibility since he's not working with you here.

Your FIL has backed out the agreement to live in an annexe. You BOUGHT the house; you weren't gifted it; it is yours. Not FIL's.

justasking111 · 19/08/2023 16:26

ihadamarveloustime · 19/08/2023 16:21

Stop cooking for him and cleaning up after him.

Tell your DH it is now 100% his responsibility since he's not working with you here.

Your FIL has backed out the agreement to live in an annexe. You BOUGHT the house; you weren't gifted it; it is yours. Not FIL's.

Show quote history

Agree no cooking, cleaning, washing and if DH doesn't shape up the same for him. Look after yourself and your children.

Andthereyougo · 19/08/2023 16:31

Leave.
divorce your husband.
Claim your 50% of the property.
Never see any of them again.

Ponderingwindow · 19/08/2023 16:34

If there is money available for an annex, there is money available to fund you moving out.

if you aren’t ready for that step, you need to stop doing any work for Fil. You should also only do housework for your husband to the degree that he is sharing in the work with you.

The house may get messy and with children around, you may have to move trash or dishes left out somewhere safe, but that doesn’t mean you throw things out or wash things. There can be a pile somewhere for the men to deal with at their leisure.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 19/08/2023 16:44

OP, I can understand your wish to "fix" the problem, but you can't do that alone. The other three adults in this situation don't think anything is broken and are probably perfectly happy to take advantage of you. You are an appliance to them and they are annoyed that you seem to be malfunctioning.

There is no fairytale happy ending here for you. You can either leave and fight for every penny so that you can properly house your children, or you can put on a pinny, do your chores and hope your FIL doesn't become incontinent any time soon.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 19/08/2023 16:50

You say you’re working, can you afford a cheap hotel or B&B?

I would leave temporarily and if things don’t change then look into getting something more permanent.

I do see where BIL feels you are pushing FIL out, he was kind enough to let you and DH but it as well as gifting DH 50% of it.

But if the plan was for FIL to have his own annex then the rules have changed after the agreement, which isn’t fair.

thereisnotachance · 19/08/2023 16:51

Not sure if you said how old the DC are but if you left do they need to go with you? Is there a way of having a small place of your own where you stay part of the week and leave DH to it the rest of the time?

If it was me I'd book a long trip away and enjoy a new phase of my life without the drudgery! Not sure much will have changed by the time you're back though. It's three against one. Your BIL should butt out, he's had his share out of the house and sounds like he doesn't help much. Usual sexist crap going on.

Brefugee · 19/08/2023 16:53

work out what happens to the house if you leave, and then leave.
FIL will most likely have to move if your husband can't afford to buy you out, right.

Tell BIL to keep his neb out.

But leave, you have made the threat you need to carry it out. Get all the financial info before you go

AlwaysJumping · 19/08/2023 16:53

Of course you lay claim to the 50% that is your DH gifted bit, it’s all fair as marital asserts and you’ve been giving free labour. Of course it all counts.

Draw up a plan, the 3 adults take turns making meals/housework jobs. If he doesn’t like it he can go and live with BIL. This is in the meantime until you move out, your DH hasn’t got your back. It sounds like your marriage is over and living on your own with your kids would be less stressful.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 17:02

Get divorced and take as much of the equity in the house as you can if Dh legally owns it. That will teach people to “gift” houses to adult children to avoid care fees.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 17:05

And is the reason why any half decent solicitor advises against doing so

HumourReplacementTherapy · 19/08/2023 17:05

If fil needs care in his old age then depravation of assets could apply and they can go back as far as they like to look at assets, You and DH could find yourselves with a massive care cost bill and no bloody house at all.
What a mess.

hot2trotter · 19/08/2023 17:06

Why are you cooking for this awful man?? Leave and let him he your "darling" husband's problem. Neither of them have any respect for you.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 17:07

Dh and his dad can then live together and Dh and his brother can together provide the old age care for their dad. How sweet. You will just have yourself to
look after and the kids half the time (other half Dh can look after them). Then you will get lots of lovely time to yourself.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 17:08

He’s not even your dad.

Mari9999 · 19/08/2023 17:11

For those saying that the OP's husband should support her , a spouse does not owe blanket or unconditional support to a spouse or partner. The spouse may have a different experience or view of the situation. They may think that the partner is in fact wrong in their response.

Support can be offered without agreeing with the position. He may not view his father as difficult or unreasonable. The father may also experiencing some early stage dementia, and he may actually believe the home to be his.

The OP has determined that she can no longer wishes to live in the same house as the her father in-law. That may be a perfectly reasonable position for her to take. Her husband may not be experiencing any of the same conflict issues with his father. It is possible that he may have been able to purchase the father's home at a substantially reduced rate with the understanding that the father would be allowed to live out his days in the house.

It sounds like a difficult situation for all involved. This situation may have many nuances that are not immediately visible or covered in the OP's post.

It does seem though if a remodel or modificIation is possible, that would be a reasonable solution.

LakieLady · 19/08/2023 17:12

Tell BIL that you've found another solution and dump FIL on BIL's doorstep, then change the locks.

It's not up to you to find a solution, OP, that's up to FIL's children. I'm not even sure than annexe would solve things, as FIL would still expect help and support from you, as you would be the ones on the doorstep.

This is not your problem, your DH appears to be ignoring it and it would be enough to make me leave, tbh.

Totaly · 19/08/2023 17:15

I would build the annex and you live in it. Leave the others to look after themselves.

There’s no reason this house can’t be sold - it doesn’t matter where you brought it or how - it’s yours and I’d put it up for sale.