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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 19/08/2023 12:21

Does her father live under a stone? He’s never heard of the teens who drink, decide to go swimming and drown? ( living on the coast I can tell you this time of year the helicopter is up at least a couple of times a week searching for missing people) He’s never heard of girls and women being assaulted or murdered when they’re walking home at night ? There’s being laid back and being downright irresponsible, he’s the latter, lazy parenting under the guise of being liberal.
Explain to your dd the risks she and her friends were taking.
And point out to ex how bloody irresponsible he is.

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/08/2023 12:35

Mmm... see, I'm not sure. Obviously you're going to worry; you wouldn't be a good parent if you didn't.

But, looking at this from your DD's point of view, I started going clubbing in London at 15 (90s), so just a year older than your DD. Me and my pals would tell our parents that we were staying at one another's houses - but then stay out all night!

I knew dad would flip if he ever found out (he didn't) but I was always very grown up for my age, knew how to keep myself safe and, if anything, I credit these years for making me very streetwise.

Rather than wanting to apportion blame (to your ex) or discipline your daughter, I would just try and have a chat with her about how you feel and equip her with the skills to keep herself safe. Because, the reality is, she's going to do it with or without your blessing.

Newnamefor23 · 19/08/2023 12:38

As others have said - your real problem is with her Dad.

Expanding freedom as you go through your teens is one thing but this........

At 14 you think you know it all and are bullet proof. Later on you realise you weren't and either had luck escapes or didn't - possibly with long term consequences.

I think you need separate plans/ discussions with both parties involved - and no more trips unless you are 100% happy that both have listened and understood.

StillWantingADog · 19/08/2023 12:43

It’s not on at all but it’s more of an ex(d)p issue than a dd issue.

I wouldn’t let her go there again unless she was older and/or you could be sure that her dad would put in proper boundaries. But wouldn’t punish her for this at 14 when it’s her dad’s fault.

Olive19741205 · 19/08/2023 12:48

Newusernameaug · 19/08/2023 09:16

Agree too that this is an ex problem. Sorry but if he lets her I can see why she is, and it’s harsh on you to then punish her.
unfortunately it goes back to - what he does on his time is down to him. You don’t get to decide that. As much as that sucks it’s the truth.

This is complete insanity. So are you telling OP she can't do anything to protect her daughter?

OP if it was me, she wouldn't be going on holiday with him again. She just wouldn't. A just turned 14 yo girl roaming the streets til 7am is outrageous. Don't let your ex gaslight you that there's no danger.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2023 12:52

She will end up pregnant at this rate. I know there are those who say you can get pregnant just as easily in the afternoon as the middle of the night. I don't know what the answer is but I don't think you can punish her for things she gets up to when in her Dads care. But if anything does happen it will be you that will have to deal with the consequences I expect.

Scatterbrainbox · 19/08/2023 12:53

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 12:11

@Scatterbrainbox

nope 13/14/15. Unfortunately just before we turned 16 her parents sold their house and moved closer to where she was training for the Olympics (sadly she was in a car accident & had to give up diving shortly after they moved).

i drank a bit, smoked some weed and fooled around a bit, but didn't take stronger drugs, didn't properly have sex and had a lot of fun.

Show quote history

Other people had those experiences and things didn't end so well. This is one anecdotal experience. From many years ago.

Shodan · 19/08/2023 12:56

I disagree that your DD 'isn't at fault' at all. Yes, her father shoulders 99% of the responsibility- but if she fancies herself old and mature enough to be out all night then she is definitely old enough to accept some responsibility for her own actions.

Babying her and letting her off the hook completely is not the way to go.

Scatterbrainbox · 19/08/2023 12:56

StillWantingADog · 19/08/2023 12:43

It’s not on at all but it’s more of an ex(d)p issue than a dd issue.

I wouldn’t let her go there again unless she was older and/or you could be sure that her dad would put in proper boundaries. But wouldn’t punish her for this at 14 when it’s her dad’s fault.

She can stop overnights/ holidays etc. He can then take her to court. She doesn't need to wait. I would probably email him and school and any nother involved agencies stating why you are doing this and expressing that you are happy to look for a safe way forward.
If dd kicks off and says I'm going anyway then it's a safeguarding issue, ask school to open am early help etc. They won't want her at risk either.

tolerable · 19/08/2023 13:04

you tell her that turning location of is unacceptable ever-and move on.

54isanopendoor · 19/08/2023 13:07

Her Dad is either massively naieve about what could happen, or doesnt care.
Dont take her phone - she needs it for emergencies / safety.

Can you prevent her going to him / this place again?

Meanwhile, TALK to her about your fears / general info about 'what can happen'. don't blame her - you want her to feel she can come to you when /if something does go wrong. Very worrying though, if she's out all night so young!

7eleven · 19/08/2023 13:10

tolerable · 19/08/2023 13:04

you tell her that turning location of is unacceptable ever-and move on.

Absolutely. Non negotiable at this age. If she doesn’t like it, she’s grounded.

I’ve got to be honest, I’d hide an AirTag in her bag or shoes if I had a young child that behaved like this.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 13:16

All the decent parents would
have their 14 year olds home while
they were awake. So your child was left with older teens / twenty somethings or those with negligent parents. Yay.

waterrat · 19/08/2023 13:17

Being honest OP I wouldn't punish her for this. She was allowed by the adult supervising to behave in a certain way - and it's absolutely natural to push boundaries at 14.

I behaved like this as a teeanger and it would have been a lot better if I'd been supported to make more sensible choices by an adult who was NOT judging me.

Do you remember being 14? It's not a time at which you have huge self control - you are hard wired by evolution to take risks - it must have felt really fun at the time.

If she has a good time at this holiday park - does it balance out and can you find ways to keep her safer next time?

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 13:20

I let mine and her pals out till 2 am at a small festival but I was there too watching them and we all walked back to the tent together they had a fab (but safe) night out

Passerillage · 19/08/2023 13:21

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:28

It’s really good to hear from other parents.

both times she has deleted phone calls and messages to try and cover up being out and I’m not a fan of the lying side of it.

And maybe I expect too much from her - to be honest she’s much more capable of an adult conversation than her dad which is why the dynamic has been then asking her to do things that keep her safe (Eg sun cream since she was 9/10) but perhaps not fair on her in this instance.

I agree with what you say here - it is not fair to put HIS responsibilies for parenting her safely and responsibly onto HER young shoulders. She can't be expected to say "Dad - it's 11pm. Should I not be getting into trouble around now?".

If she is hurt, abused or exploited because she is unattended and roaming the streets at 4am (and there are definitely people watching out for unprotected teenagers, as we learned from the tragedies in Rochdale), it's HIS fault, not hers.

I would not allow him to have her overnight again. She needs consistency and protection at 14, and he is putting her in danger when she is in his "care".

OhwhyOY · 19/08/2023 13:38

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:17

I guess another question then is what would you do when her dad doesn’t listen but she’s in what I consider unsafe environments etc when with him?

If he thinks her being out until 7am is ok and won’t put boundaries in place am I meant to just accept that?

Isn't the answer don't let him take her on these trips, or have her overnight if similar things happen at home with him?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 13:45

I'm confused by your post title, as it implies that you threw your daughter out until 7am as punishment (that's what "turn out" means, if I turned a horse out from its stable, I would putting it outside in the field). Yet you don't mention this at all in your post body. I suspect that I've misunderstood the post title: if not, YABVU.

Assuming that I have misunderstood the title, you have a far bigger problem with the girl's father not recognising the sexual assault risk that teen boys and adult men pose to a 14 yo girl and actively lying to you to cover up his negligence. You can't blame a child for taking advantage of a negligent parent, but you can blame the parent for being negligent. You can't blame a child for underestimating the risk she is in, but you can blame her father for not thinking back to what he has heard other men in locker rooms and gyms say they want to do to women and thinking "hang on, they will apply that thinking to my daughter".

andweallsingalong · 19/08/2023 13:52

I wouldn't like this either, but her dad allowed it and it was on his time so agree with those who say its unfair of you to punish.

Look at the big picture.

Dad's rules are more lax than yours so would you rather punish things that happen on his time. They both get better at lying, she keeps being in risky situations, you are oblivious and she doesn't feel she can call you if she needs help.

Or, tell her you wouldn't allow it because x, y z, but dad does so she's not in trouble, but let's sit down and talk about what would happen if she was scared or her friends are in trouble. Make sure she knows she can call you day or night. Make sure she knows always to stay as a group, etc.

Folklore9074 · 19/08/2023 14:10

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

What on earth do you imagine a 14 year old, out until 7am, is doing? Drinking could be the least of it. 🙄

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 14:12

Scatterbrainbox · 19/08/2023 12:53

Other people had those experiences and things didn't end so well. This is one anecdotal experience. From many years ago.

Show quote history

@Scatterbrainbox

well, it was my post, with my experience, which is what MN is about. Why are you trying to police my posts?

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 14:24

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

yeah, you have misread the title. Try yhis

Just turned 14 year old daughter,
out until 7am in holiday town

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 14:25

andweallsingalong · 19/08/2023 13:52

I wouldn't like this either, but her dad allowed it and it was on his time so agree with those who say its unfair of you to punish.

Look at the big picture.

Dad's rules are more lax than yours so would you rather punish things that happen on his time. They both get better at lying, she keeps being in risky situations, you are oblivious and she doesn't feel she can call you if she needs help.

Or, tell her you wouldn't allow it because x, y z, but dad does so she's not in trouble, but let's sit down and talk about what would happen if she was scared or her friends are in trouble. Make sure she knows she can call you day or night. Make sure she knows always to stay as a group, etc.

This is the best advice on this thread.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 14:27

NeedTheSeaside · 19/08/2023 14:24

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

yeah, you have misread the title. Try yhis

Just turned 14 year old daughter,
out until 7am in holiday town

Punctuation and capitalisation: the difference between "helping your uncle jack-off a horse" and "helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse".

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 14:29

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 13:45

I'm confused by your post title, as it implies that you threw your daughter out until 7am as punishment (that's what "turn out" means, if I turned a horse out from its stable, I would putting it outside in the field). Yet you don't mention this at all in your post body. I suspect that I've misunderstood the post title: if not, YABVU.

Assuming that I have misunderstood the title, you have a far bigger problem with the girl's father not recognising the sexual assault risk that teen boys and adult men pose to a 14 yo girl and actively lying to you to cover up his negligence. You can't blame a child for taking advantage of a negligent parent, but you can blame the parent for being negligent. You can't blame a child for underestimating the risk she is in, but you can blame her father for not thinking back to what he has heard other men in locker rooms and gyms say they want to do to women and thinking "hang on, they will apply that thinking to my daughter".

I read it that way too, but then I was intelligent enough to read the op and conclude the thread title was just poorly worded