Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

[Teenoutallnight]

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

i drank a bit, smoked some weed and fooled around a bit, but didn't take stronger drugs, didn't properly have sex and had a lot of fun.

Not something I would wish for my teenage daughter at 13/14 😖Not taking "stronger drugs" at 13/14?! That's some low bar 😳

yanbu not wanting her to do these things but yabu for punishing her when her dad allowed her to do this. She is 14 and although she might agree to your boundaries for when she is with her dad, as soon as friends start suggesting things and her dad says yes then of course she will do it.

Your ex is the issue. His standards of parenting have set a very low bar. I wouldn't trust him to keep dd safe and as a result he can't take her away overnight again.
His loss.

Whereas I am intelligent enough to ask for clarification and not just make an assumption that one part of the post automatically overrules the other, and I don't have the arrogance to assume that I prioritised the correct part.

Do you think there is a difference between 14 and 17? At 17 I holidaying on my own, with friends and working m my own join whilst at college. 14 is too young for Tate though.

This is a shitty position to be in OP. This isn’t a ‘difference in parenting styles’ that can be overlooked. This is very, very dangerous. She could easily end up in a very vulnerable or dangerous position.

I don’t think you can come down too hard here because he isn’t going to start parenting and give her a curfew and boundaries. If you come down too hard then she will just lie to you so she doesn’t get into trouble. I think you need to have a real conversation with her about the risks involved here and reiterate to her that you will be there for her no matter what. I would be wary that if something does happen that she could cover it up instead of coming to you.

How could any parent think this is acceptable for such a young teen.

Of course she shouldn’t be out all night, or til 3am, but I wouldn’t take her phone away etc.

You have your rules, her Dad has no rules… she was with her Dad.

I would be seriously angry with her Dad, and as I could not trust him to look after her I would say no more trips to the holiday park.

Massive difference between 14 and 17. I used to host foreign students and 17 year olds were sooooo much easier to deal with than mid teens. Think for most there’s a big leap in development between those ages. My two are those ages now and yes well I will
leave it there!

It's about the OP and her dd....

Why did you need to ask for clarification? Everyone else on the thread has understood the OP. Could you not just have read the OPs first post for clarification? It sounds like you just wanted to scold the OP.

Really? You thought it was just as likely that the op typed out paragraphs and paragraphs about her DD being with her dad but actually intended to talk about the time she turfed her DD out of the house herself??

Don't be disingenuous. You wanted to make a comment about the op's grammar in her thread title. That's your prerogative but you don't have to play stupid to get your point act as.

@@@Scatterbrainbox

yes & I answered her question.

not that it's any of your business. If you want a job working for MN, apply for one. Until then stop with the thread police act.

im not replying to you again

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia What?😆 where does the OP mention turn out?!? It says "just turned 14 year old daughter"

meaning she just turned 14 years old*

I actually read it like that initially but didn't take long to work out what the OP actually meant on reading the post. No need to clarify, the content of the post certainly did override the other possible meaning can confirm that it meant she had recently turned 14. I'd argue it's certainly not intelligent to have needed to ask. 😅

Eh?!
I didn't think it was that highly strung of a debate!

The weed/teenaged alcohol etc clearly did you no harm at all 🤔

@7eleven I think punishing her for something dad has permitted is really wrong. You always end up being the bad guy. As she has confessed and inclined to believe her version over dads vague attempt at truth...reiterate the VERY real fears/safety aspect-and focus on maintaining truth\honesty is on her.

The daughter turned off her tracker. That’s poor behaviour on her part.

I’d get the police involved, as they will take this seriously. A 14 year old out all night, with the parent not even aware or that bothered would be enough to put this firmly on their radar. They will have chats with the father, and the daughters and this will really back up the OP from any action she needs to take.

Saying you knew how to keep yourself safe is incredibly naive, if someone had wanted to hurt you at age 14 you'd have had very little to no chance of being able to stop them.

Yeah you were lucky. A girl at my school had dippy hippy negligent parents who
let her go out far too young she ended up
pregnant at 13 by the local drug dealer. Kept the baby who had severe special needs. Her life was pretty much ruined. Very sad. Bright girl too.

I read the OP's first post and was confused by the contradiction between it and the title. I suspected, but was not sure, that I had misunderstood the title, so I asked for clarification.

I am autistic, so I do not cope well with ambiguity. This is why I checked when others would just assume.

I did not expect, and am pretty offended by, the insinuations that I am stupid or trying to scold the OP. I am scolding the person who called me stupid because I deserve better than that. If your responses to an honest request for clarification are typical of non-autistic people then I am very glad to be autistic.

Not naive at all. You could say that about any one at any age. I'm 44 now and could be at just as much risk in central London day or night.

Thinking that putting obstacles in the way of a 14 year old will stop them doing something? Now THAT'S naive...

Err no most parents make sure their 14 year olds are home by a reasonable time and are aware of where they are and who with.

A 14 year old girl is far more appealing to bad men than a great big wise 44 year old stomping round London in her Birkenstocks. .

Well it would be naive to stay out all night in an unfamiliar town with people you don't know and think that because you "know how to keep yourself safe" then it's fine. And yes that applies to any age but especially to a 14 year old with absolutely no life experience.