Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

[Teenoutallnight]

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

It’s why it’s such a tough age. You have to
let them go to some extent but they are still quite daft and vulnerable. Not easy.

With respect, I think I know both my past and present self a lot better than you do. You have absolutely no idea what 'life experience' I had at 14 - or at any other point in time - but I'm pleased to say I've made it to 44 almost without incident, so I can't have been that 'naive'.

But thanks for your input. 🙄

She's 14. She didn't know two of the others. They were in the town, not the holiday park and they were out all night.

You really think that's ok?

So if the other parent puts the child in harm's way, you just have to shrug your shoulders because it's his turn with the kid?

You see that stated a lot on here, I wonder how the posters would feel if it were their actual child, as opposed to a theoretical child being put at risk...

Cool. But most people don't want their 14-years-old clubbing all night. It's cool that nothing happened to you, but it's not a risk normal parents would take.

Not sure if advice as I’m feeling pretty useless with my pre teen at the min but you are not bu to be worried and peed off. Do what you think is best xx

The thing that stood out from your post is that she’s over emotional after the late night. It could be a comedown from pills or cocaine, I say this as I did these things with my friends at age 16 and was similar for days afterwards.

You didn't make it to middle-age without incident because you are incredibly clever and super-streetwise, and better than all those women who have been attacked by men. You made it to middle-age without incident because you are lucky.

If someone genuinely wants to harm you, there is often little a woman can do to "keep themselves safe". And 14 year olds who are out at night are more vulnerable to that than older women, no doubt about it - that's why men target them.

(I'm saying the above as someone who was also out late at night from a young age, and very streetwise for my age, but not as lucky as you.)

Oh the irony! You sound unbelievably naive to think that you knew how to keep yourself safe when it's obvious that you were just fucking lucky.

A 14 year old child cannot possibly keep herself safe if she is out roaming the streets all night. If they come to harm in that situation, it is not their fault and it is not because they were insufficiently streetwise etc. It is primarily the fault of the perpetrator(s) and of the adults who failed to safeguard them appropriately.

By suggesting that a child can be taught to keep themselves safe to the extent that it's OK for them to be roaming the streets all night is effectively just a way of blaming the victims who very sadly find that they are not safe...

Teens lie. Don't go down the forensic route, stick with trying to keep the relationship open and honest.

As for what to do when she's with dad, honestly, I'd try to put a stop to it. Supposing the worst happen, would you be able to live with the fact that you could have prevented it?

In a couple of years there is absolutely nothing yoj can do to stop her doing these things. Don’t punish her and especially not by taking her phone as you’ll need to keep communication open with her in the years to come. You dang her to know she can then to yoj for help even if she has done something she shouldn’t.

Well, we know that. And that's exactly what I said in my original post. However, what I also said was that, if OP's DD wants to do this, she will find a way; it's what teenagers do. Regardless of what the parent wants (I know my own dad would have totally flipped!). So best OP just equips her daughter with the proper skills to keep herself safe.

A parent can prevent this when they are this young. Our friends Dd crept out at night at this age to do unsafe things. They dealt with it so so well. Proper parenting. Didn’t rant and rave. Supported her through it /worked with school / got professional counsellor. She’s a lovely very independent 18 year old now who has apologised and said her parents couldn’t have done any more
and she was a bloody nightmare .

Other than her dad being an absolute idiot. The biggest part of this for me would be the coverup. Turning off location/deleting things, she knows u won’t approve so has tried to cover her tracks or lie. I’d be giving her a stern talking too about that and a warning that if you find this has happened again her phone will be removed. Trust is important, of course there will be things she hides we all did it but you need to be able to trust that within reason she’s making sensible choices.
I wouldn’t be letting her go down there again as her father clearly isn’t fit enough to parent her. At 14 she’s not young and naive though we all think at that age that nothing bad will happen to us. I’m currently watching ‘Libby are you home yet?’ perhaps letting her see some real life examples and the impact it’s had on the friends and family. I think it’s important for her to realise that dad isn’t cool and fun whilst mums strict and narky. There is good reason for you to worry. Also i’m sure recently there was a crash involving several young girls and I read somewhere if they had had location available on their phone via family sharing or the likes then they may well have been located sooner and helped.

I live by the phrase strict parents= sneaky kids.
Obviously this is an issue with her father not keeping her safe whilst she is with him so the answer? Until dad can prove that he will set boundaries and keep her safe whilst she is with him, she doesn't go away with him. Taking her phone for something that was OK with her dad at the time is not the answer she is now with you presumably and so is now safe.

That's called luck.

Indeed. The I'm alright jack/ it was fine for.me mentality really is a race to the bottom, i survived beatings and neglect but i dont want children to go through that. It's too young to make decisions. It's shit parenting that you fortunate survived.

In your world maybe... Are you always this negative? Not good luck at all, just good judgement. Some of us have it... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fuck “don’t undermine his parenting” - his parenting is shit. You don’t let your 14 year old out at all hours and not even stay awake to make sure they get in ok. Not sure you can even call that parenting, can you?

obviously he is massively in the wrong and you need to make it very clear to him. I would be considering no overnights with him if this has happened more than once and he won’t listen, don’t give a shit if that makes me the bad guy if it keeps my kid safe.

I would be punishing her too and think you did the right thing. You made very clear what your expectations were AND she knew she was doing wrong because she was sneaky and turned her settings off so you wouldn’t see what she was doing.

Imagine if OP came on saying “my 14 year old is pregnant because her father let her do this…. And I knew etc etc but I didn’t want to undermine his parenting”

people would be calling her a pushover!

So you're saying you didn't get attacked, SA'd or whatever else because you had good judgement? You cannot actually be serious.

While I agree with you that this is unacceptable for a child of that age… I don’t think you can or should punish her as her other parent thinks it is fine and has let her do this.

it is really hard parenting when you have different views, I am married and in love with my child’s father but even I find it hard when we disagree over parenting styles, rules and consequences. You really need to discuss with her father, let him know why it is not safe or appropriate for a child of 14 to be out without a parent or responsible adult at that time.

You can’t punish your daughter for her dads poor parenting