Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

[Teenoutallnight]

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

Her father is negligent.

I’d be reporting him for it. And she wouldn’t be staying overnight or going on holiday with him again. Appalling.

I know you said she’s exhausted but please talk to her and check that nothing’s happened. The fact that she admitted being out so late makes me wonder if she trying to tell you something and asking for help indirectly. As a teen I would never tell my parents about any issues I was having but secretly hope they’d notice and step in.

I don't understand how you can punish her for something her parent, who she is staying with at the time, has given her pimmison to do. Your problem is with your ex, not your daughter.
If you think he is making unsafe decisions during his parenting time you need to take him to court to get boundaries put in place.
Your daughter was following the rules of the parent she was with, if you punish her you'll only cause her to resent you / push her to want to stay with her dad full time

Their brains aren’t developed enough to make those calls. It’s like leaving a 2 year old with a plate of cream cakes. It’s up to parents to - you know parent - those tricky 13-16 years. Some teens are stay at home types and it’s an easier gig but for some of us it’s much more difficult. Only the most negligent shit parent would act like this “father”.

I would be furious with her Dad but worried about DD's safety in your situation and it's the safety aspect I would discuss with her rather than the staying out all night per se.

I wouldn't take her phone but assuming I'm the one paying for it, I would explain to her that as part of being a responsible parent, when she's with her dad I feel it's important I can access her location and because she obviously felt under pressure this time to let that be switched off, I would use screentime settings to prevent changes to location sharing. I would also get her to look at websites, news articles etc about young teenagers being vulnerable to being used by others whether for sex, county lines ventures or other unsavoury activities. I would suggest she come up with some ideas re: safety measures for when she's out e.g. sending you a photo and names of who she is with as well as arming her with pre-planned lines she can use when wanting to get out of a situation. If she isn't prepared to engage in that - and to have the plans communicated to her dad - then I would consider varying the current arrangement for him to take her to the holiday park overnight.

Do you really think this 14 yo had no clue that what she was doing wasn't ok? Given it wasn't the first time. She very slyly turned off location too. You really think she's a toddler or with no mental capacity to think for herself.

Shit ones, and the other parent doesn't want to challenge them

YADNBU @Teenoutallnight . A 14 year old girl out all night is not safe. I'm surprised anyone thinks that's ok.

Teens can get up to all sorts together, plus she didn't even know some of them.

What's the legal custody agreement? Can you just decide for her not to see her dad? At 14 it's difficult- removing access to her other parent, could backfire on you massively, and if you can decide she doesn't get to see him- surely he can do the same and not send her back?

I wouldn’t let her go again as she’s broken your trust by taking off the location setting and you can’t trust dad. No court would enforce you sending her when he doesn’t safeguard her. Id then go the persuasion route rather than punishment route with the phone because id want to keep the trust and good relationship.

I would calmly telling her that I’m stopping her going because I love her and that I’m sorry that I’ve been put in this position by dad, but that and her switching off the location setting, has removed trust so that I’ve no choice given the circumstances. I’d tell her that calmly and I would show no anger, just sadness that it’s come to this. Id also tell her explicitly what could have happened to her and she was lucky that nothing had happened. It probably would be ok 99/100 times, but you aren’t prepared to take that chance because you love her so much.
Id let her keep the phone but tell her that many would use that under the circumstances. I think that by this age punishments are useless and counter productive. You need to rely on the common sense and good values you’ve instilled up to now and talk through situations and why you are saying and doing what you are.

It's absolutely not that simple. My friend challenged till she was blue in the face. She went to court. Court was dismissive

I think it would be helpful if you could share with her some stories of compromising situations you got into as a teen, how you feel about them now, and why you want to protect her from experiences like that.

You poor thing having to try to coparent with an absolutely shit dad who is too stupid to see the danger of allowing his daughter to roam the streets all night. I hope she is ok and nothing has happened to her. Sadly the courts won’t care as they will want the child to have access to her dad regardless of any danger he puts her in. Can you get her to watch some films to show the potential dangers so she doesn’t want to go out all night. Maybe I think it was called 3 girls about girls her age or something similar

It's definitely an issue with dad's parenting as I just KNEW I couldn't pull nothing like that at 14, either be home on time or don't go out. However, I'd also be concerned that she would want to hang out until 7am, far from home and switch off the app, sounds like she is up to no good. At that age yes I'd probably push for more time with my friends but after say 10pm or so, I'd definitely want to go home or sit inside/on the doorstep with friends instead of roaming the streets.

Well they were unconcerned when my ex went out leaving my 6 year old in the bath and my 9 year old with unanswered texts asking when he was coming back because she didn't feel safe being in charge of her younger sister. A 14 year old can pretty much stay where they like and the length of time family court does actually take (at worst he'd probably get a little telling off) she probably be 16 by the time anyway. Sadly people who haven't been through it don't realise and say stuff like this with confidence!

The problem is that until you’ve been in a scary situation, as a teen you believe you’re invulnerable. And that you’ve got good judgment in choosing friends - even the ones that are a bit dodgy are just having a laugh’ and of course you wouldn’t be stupid enough to do drugs/sex/alcohol. Until you do. And then it’s different because you can handle it. Until you can’t.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder how any of us survived the teenage years.

It's horrible when you realise you are actually powerless to keep your children safe if you are a separated parent

I meant challenge the shit dad

@ssd you can challenge them all you want. Doesn't mean they will listen. Some go even further the other direction just to piss you off - because they can!

Problem is, the dad wasn’t doing any parenting was he.

OP, I’d be doing whatever I could to not allow her to stay with him again. She is vulnerable and he is irresponsible. Not a good combination.

No, you can stop her going if you think she will be unsafe. And a 14 year old roaming the streets all night certainly isn't safe! I would under no circumstances allow her to go to that holiday park again.

@Scatterbrainbox

nope 13/14/15. Unfortunately just before we turned 16 her parents sold their house and moved closer to where she was training for the Olympics (sadly she was in a car accident & had to give up diving shortly after they moved).

i drank a bit, smoked some weed and fooled around a bit, but didn't take stronger drugs, didn't properly have sex and had a lot of fun.

Completely agree and if you’ve got court agreed arrangements, go back to court.

I’d love to hear a family court’s thoughts about a child being allowed to wander the streets all night 🙄

Ha as if they’re braiding each others hair and playing the guitar. My goodness… OP ignore this post.