Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
Middleagedmeangirls · 19/08/2023 08:46

whatever mix of sec you have it’s lovely to have 2 children. There’s no wrong combo and so there’s no wrong thing to say.

I had 2 girls. I was thrilled. It was exactly what I wanted but I’m sure I would have been equally thrilled with any other outcome.

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2023 08:48

I also think you might need to have a think about your unconscious bias towards younger people, some of the assumptions you make about older people in your post are a bit insulting and don’t really make any sense. In my own experience people under 65 were just as likely to make the comments you discuss about “one of each” (different sex) or “oh they’ll be the best of friends” (same sex). I don’t think this has anything to
do with age.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/08/2023 08:48

Would you want a different reaction OP? Like, oh you’d have been better off with two of the same sex as they’d be better company for each other. Shame.

no one is going to say that! And few care enough to even think it. You, your DH and maybe your parents are the only people who care at all about what sex your baby is. People are really just making conversation

KinellMate · 19/08/2023 08:48

But it is lovely to have one of each. I would have been fine with 2 boys but I must admit was over the moon to get a girl, completes the family iyswim.

electriclight · 19/08/2023 08:52

I've said this. I am just searching for something positive and encouraging to say. I couldn't care less what sex someone's baby is but I can't say that can I. So it's 'another boy, how lovely' or 'one of each, how lovely.' Fail to see how it's sexist. Only on mn do we see this level of navel gazing.

ActDottie · 19/08/2023 08:52

I agree with you.

We have a gender scan for our first baby soon and my friend asked if my husband and I have a preference!!! And I was a bit taken aback as we just want a healthy baby!!

But I agree, I was one of two babies, me and my brother and I always longed for a sister. The way I see it is if you have two of the same sex is nice particularly if they’re close in age as they are more likely to have similar interests etc. but if you get one of each then that’s also great as you get to experience having a boy and girl. But either way it’s win win if you end up with two healthy babies :)

HennyPenny1234 · 19/08/2023 08:52

We have one DD. A friends DM, mid sixties, asked us if we were "going to try for a boy"

pimplebum · 19/08/2023 08:55

What type of responses do you want to hear ?

Enko · 19/08/2023 08:56

This used to drive me insane op. I had 2 girls then got a boys. We also got "you can stop trying now you got your boy" I used to reply "actually I was just aiming for a baby"

So many claim its "just small talk" its still inconsiderate. I dislike it so much and have never said anything similar.

I also ensure when it's babu 3 or 4 I congratulate and send a cars when baby arrives. When I told one mum to be of 4 congratulations on her 4th pregnancy she burst intontears and told me I was the first to say so. Everyone else (like I had experienced) had gone "Another one?" Thoughtless prejudice behaviour. Btw ds is 21 and I still feel riled up when I read stuff like your post.

AngelinaFibres · 19/08/2023 08:56

DivingForLove · 19/08/2023 05:34

I assure they wouldn’t say it’s lovely to have two boys 🙄. Most people said “oh well as long as it’s healthy” to me as a commiseration for having a second boy.

Twats.

oh and everyone who has two is an expert on boys and girls too 😄

This. I had 2 boys 31 and 29 years ago. I had hyperemesis all the way through both pregnancies. Just about killed me. Had a horrendous delivery with second child. MIL came into hospital the next day and said what an absolute shame it was he wasn't a girl. She had 5 male grandchildren and really wanted a girl. She sat and cried over his cot because he wasn't what SHE wanted. My husband's sister had a girl as did husband's second wife. MIL ( ex by then) was beside herself with joy. She was such a cunt that she has no contact with any of her grandchildren, male or female. Nor has she ever met her first great grandchild. My sons and their wives both live a few minutes drive away from me and I look after my grandson a couple of times a week. Sometimes my mind wanders to that day in hospital and I smile a little to myself at how it's worked out

Enko · 19/08/2023 08:57

Ok I send a card when baby 3 / 4 arrives... 😁

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 08:58

Nod and smile. You’re wasting far too much energy fretting about people trying to be nice-they’d be horrified if they knew you were analysing cliches like this for underlying meaning. Fwiw, I had one of each and it was lovely-but it would’ve been lovely if I’d had 2 boys. Then people would be coming out with how lovely, they can play together etc.

TheYadaYada · 19/08/2023 08:59

I often say that to friends with one of each. I don’t think any of them have taken offence.

powershowerforanhour · 19/08/2023 09:00

I don't think the OP sounds "irate" at all, she sounds pretty calm to me. So far she has had two of the big - related- MN cannons, which are:
"Shut up, other people have worse problems" ( in this case, infertility and bereavement) which, taken to its logical conclusion, could pretty much be used to shut down every discussion that isn't about WWI or the Holocaust; and
the pronoucement "You're overthinking this" when the responder deems the OP to have spent more thought on it than they personally would have.

Sure Mumsnet is for "overthinking"??? (Do men ever tell each other that they're overthinking by the way...or is it only women who get told not to fill their pretty little heads with thoughts?)
Overthinking, or just thinking. Wondering. Musing. Pondering. That's the joy of MN.

In this case, OP is (privately, not to her loved ones' faces) wondering whether these banal, kindly meant pleasantries are a faint indicator that society is still more sexist than we thought.

"Despite our best efforts to be gender neutral in this society...."
Have you been in a toy shop or children's clothes section lately??? Our best efforts are a bit shit.

Popetthetreehugger · 19/08/2023 09:00

Nobody cares what your having , their finding something nice to say about a non event it their life .

whatwhatinthebutt · 19/08/2023 09:00

Why take it to imply you wouldn't be happy about what isn't, when it's being commented it's nice to have what is?

Puffalicious · 19/08/2023 09:01

Campervangirl · 19/08/2023 07:21

You can't help how you feel.
However, it's just a thing us oldies say, I'm not 65+ btw.
All that comment means is it'll be lovely to experience having a boy and a girl.
I'm late 50's and find myself not making comments to anyone in case I offend them even though in the past I'm just trying to be nice.
Things like "you look well" even though I actually mean it and it's meant as a compliment, read a post on MN that people find it offensive 🙄
It's a bit like the "Karen" malarkey, silencing women, women like me of a certain age who mean no offense, find themselves not speaking because they're no longer sure what's going to offend.
It's fuckin exhausting tbh.
It's almost as if people are looking for something to be offended about, waiting to jump on you when you speak or slag you off behind your back if they're not brave enough to tackle you head on (like going on MN to discuss how offended you are by an innocuous comment)
Must be equally fuckin exhausting to be one of the "offended".

Amen sister. I'm 51 and feel exactly like this. In work it's exhausting, so I keep my thoughts to myself more and more these days.

Whiskeywithwater · 19/08/2023 09:01

If you genuinely only want a healthy baby .. why are you having a gender scan?

ilovesooty · 19/08/2023 09:02

HennyPenny1234 · 19/08/2023 08:52

We have one DD. A friends DM, mid sixties, asked us if we were "going to try for a boy"

Surely that would be rude and intrusive whatever her age?

Sisterpita · 19/08/2023 09:03

YABVU, you are choosing to tell people your baby’s sex, then moaning because you don’t like their response. What response would be acceptable to you?

The fact people respond with fairly generic responses is because they want to be polite, would you rather they said “how awful 2 girls/2boys/1of each - I hated my brother/sister? They also don’t know how you really feel so they are being tactful so they don’t upset you.

CarpetSlipper · 19/08/2023 09:05

I disagree with those saying it’s just people being nice or making conversation. I have two boys, nobody said “how lovely”. A few people (including a couple of strangers) told me it was a shame and I could always try again. My MIL cried because she wanted a girl.
I think there are some people who had one boy and one girl who think their girl and boy are representative of all girls and all boys and those of us who have kids of the same sex are missing out in some way by having two (or more) of “the same”.

Usernameismyname01 · 19/08/2023 09:06

Whiskeywithwater · 19/08/2023 09:01

If you genuinely only want a healthy baby .. why are you having a gender scan?

This!

Why find out if you're not arsed what it is. You don't get many true surprises in life. Giving birth then finding out what sex it is is truly one of the biggest surprise of all

Lorey82 · 19/08/2023 09:06

for goodness sake, people are just trying to be nice, sure if you were having 2 of same they would think of something positive to say too. Most people would ideally like a boy and a girl but don’t love their children any less if not that combination, it’s just a common preference. My boys and girls were very different

dottiedodah · 19/08/2023 09:07

Lots of older people say things like this .So are you trying for a boy/girl? If you already had 2 boys /girls or whatever.Just one of those stock sayings .I have one of each and DM used to say "Ooh a Pigeon Pair" whatever that means! I would just smile and go with it really

BellaJuno · 19/08/2023 09:07

Incommon · 19/08/2023 05:27

I think it's just something people say. The same people will speak to people who have two boys and say how lovely that is because boys are easier than girls and brotherly bonds are special and then they'll talk to someone with two girls and say how lovely that is because girls are so lovely and they'll have a lovely relationship when they get older.

People don't really think about, or mean, half the things they say.

I agree with this. People say all kinds of crap when you’re pregnant, most of it has no malice behind it so don’t overthink it 🙂