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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
PutinSmellsPassItOn · 19/08/2023 08:28

It is nice having one of each tho.......I mean I'd have been happy either way and would have always stopped at two. But I'm also happy I got to have a boy and a girl.

notacooldad · 19/08/2023 08:29

You are over thinking it and apart from immediately family(who may not be bothered anway) don't care what your having.
It's polite conversation and part of social niceties we do. Do you never exchange pleasantries with people that are a bit of a cliche and don't really care about to to make conversation. Eg, talk about the weather, ask how they are and what they are up to and so on.

Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers
You sound absolutely ridiculous with your mad rant.
I

SantaBarbaraMonica · 19/08/2023 08:29

Nobody cares, they’re just being polite.

So…..not a single bit of joy was felt by you when you heard it was a girl because it was a girl? Not even a teeny bit of ‘oh, how lovely it’s a girl’?

GameOverBoys · 19/08/2023 08:29

I fine the permanently offended exhausting. It’s just something to say. Get over yourself, no one really cares if your kid is a boy or a girl.

Cucucucu · 19/08/2023 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you for real? Mumsnet implies lots of mums ?? Come on

JumpToRecipe · 19/08/2023 08:31

Boy / girl pair: ‘how lovely to have one of each’
Boy / boy pair: ‘ah, they will be the best of mates’
Girl / girl pair: ‘oh, Dave will be outnumbered!’

etc etc etc. Meaningless platitudes because it’s not socially acceptable to react to a pregnancy announcement with a horrified ‘oh my God! What are you going to do?’

Loopyloooooo · 19/08/2023 08:32

You're overthinking it. It is lovely to have one of each. It's also lovely to have two boys or two girls :)

I remember years a go I asked a pregnant lady if she knew what she was having. I can't remember what she said but I replied "oh congratulations girls/boys are lovely"

And her friend next to her piped up that the the sex if hadn't said was "lovely too of course".

Well obviously that goes without saying, but she wasn't having a child of that sex 😵‍💫

ilovesooty · 19/08/2023 08:32

ChoccyBickies · 19/08/2023 07:40

What's clear is you can't cope with anyone disagreeing with you.

You post in AIBU then lash out at the posters who happen to disagree with you!

If you ask for opinions, don't come back and take another shot at people who think you are wrong.

Saying they think you are wrong is not bullying and it's not worse than you making sweeping (and incorrect) ageist points about anyone who is older than you are.

My thoughts too. When people didn't bite for the boomer bashing the OP returned to accuse respondents of bullying.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 08:32

Well do you want them to say it’s horrible that you have one of each?

I think you’re just looking for something to be annoyed about.

Livelovebehappy · 19/08/2023 08:32

Seems you’re looking to be offended. It’s ridiculous that it’s come to this - that people can actually take offence to a light, causal observation like this. A lot of people do want, and often say, that they would like one of each. Just enjoy your pregnancy and stop over thinking what people say - just be thankful you’re in the lovely position of having children; many people don’t have that luxury….

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 19/08/2023 08:34

People just like something to say.

I have two boys and when I said my second was a boy I have been asked if we 'try for a girl' - no we are done at two. Or if I was disappointed he was a girl - also no

ThisIsTheLifee · 19/08/2023 08:34

I remember this annoying me too when we had our little girl. But I've just realised I said it to someone yesterday!

So it is just something people say! (Including me apparently!)

JenWillsiam · 19/08/2023 08:35

If you had been having another boy it would have been “how lovely to have two boys so close in age. They will have such fun”.

People are being nice. That’s all.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/08/2023 08:35

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 06:31

Thank you to those who have offered the other side, and to those who have shared their own experiences of what seems to be casual everyday sexism towards their DC - yes, I’m sure people do just think of something to say, and it seems there are equal and opposite responses for same sex kids. We have all done it many times with different things, I’m sure. Perhaps this particular set of platitudes is totally harmless, or perhaps it needs challenging a bit more.

To those who think I need to get over myself - no I don’t. I was wondering something because I thought the comments others were making were different from the comments I would make to someone else myself. Considering that lots of people HAVE experienced this kind of sexism, and considering that a lot of sex inequality can be traced back to assumptions made about people before they’re even born, it’s a reasonable thing to wonder. I might be attributing more to individual comments than I need to, because sure - people do make light conversation without thinking. I don’t for a minute imagine that they’re emotionally invested in what I’m having, apart from maybe immediate relatives. I’m more interested in whether my kids are being born into a world that is more sexist than it claims it is.

Anyway, for many this is clearly a non-issue. Important enough to read the post all the way through and type a reply to get a bit of Mumsnet bullying in before 6am, but a total non-issue that I’m paying too much attention to.

You asked people to comment. So we have. And we’re telling you it’s a non-issue.

The world is very sexist. But people spouting platitudes about the sex of your particular children is neither here nor there in relation to that.

ThanksItHasPockets · 19/08/2023 08:36

I do enjoy OPs who say things like ‘I just want to understand’ and flatly then reject the multiple explanations given to them.

Tell you what, OP. If you’re an older parent it won’t be long before you’re one of those women from ‘the older generation’. Why don’t you blaze a trail and set a new social convention to respond to every pregnancy announcement with a flat ‘Are you asking me to care that you had an unprotected shag four months ago?’ Do it with a head tilt and a tinkly laugh! It could be the new ‘did you mean to be so rude?’.

ilovesooty · 19/08/2023 08:38

Mind you the posters throwing out casual ageism have crawled out from the woodwork now.

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2023 08:39

It’s just something people say because… well what else do you say if people announce the sex of a baby? Probably quite a few people think that 2 boys would be better for various reasons but they’re not going to say it to you are they!

Personally I love having one of each because I like the dynamic and my daughter is more amenable to watching strictly! But that’s just me/ my kids. In reality no one really cares about anyone else’s kids.

SunWorshipping · 19/08/2023 08:39

If it makes no difference to you why did you find out the sex then? You could have not bothered and just used the same clothes you used for your first as it makes no difference. OR did you find out the sex so you could prepare all the pink stuff or it somehow does make a difference to how you prepare?

I never found out the sex with any of ours and genuinely didn't care whether they were boys or girls at the time, we had girl, boy, boy. Now the oldest is 7 I am actually glad we have one of each, I don't actually do anything different with them but by the time they reach teens/adults of course they will be different and so will the relationship I have with them. I'd probably say "aww one of each" even though I know it makes 0 difference for the baby and children stage, unless you like dressing your kids up like they are dolls of course.

It's just idle chit chat as there isn't really much you can ask a pregnant woman, questions about their health or babies health are a no go, so that leaves how far along are you and are you finding out. In reality no one actually cares 🤣. Stock response to if you have found out... what do you have at home... boy... oh one of each how nice 🤣, if it's another boy "ahh another boy, they'll be close growing up". Boring idle chit chat.

Triptastico · 19/08/2023 08:40

I have triplets of the same sex. The amount of people - mainly strangers who asked me if I was going to try for the other sex when they were literally months old was astounding.

What a stupid question to think I could choose the next sex if my child and also stupid for thinking I wasn't happy with my 3 of the same sex babies.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 08:42

Personally think two of same sex easier. More chance they will get on. My two dds played beautifully for years now as teens we can still holiday as a family as they broadly get on pretty well though do bicker. Dh and his brother kicked balls around for hours as kids. Mixed sexed families I knew growing up used to fight each other viciously and I was glad I had my sisters. Know this is very generalised and sexist but just my observation

LittleMonks11 · 19/08/2023 08:42

Think you're being very precious. People are just being nice. Thinking of something nice to say. If it was two girls they'd be oh lovely, sisters, or two boys, oh lovely brothers. I wouldn't look for issues where they don't exist. Life's hard enough as it is. Enjoy your 'one of each'.

Spywoman · 19/08/2023 08:43

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 06:31

Thank you to those who have offered the other side, and to those who have shared their own experiences of what seems to be casual everyday sexism towards their DC - yes, I’m sure people do just think of something to say, and it seems there are equal and opposite responses for same sex kids. We have all done it many times with different things, I’m sure. Perhaps this particular set of platitudes is totally harmless, or perhaps it needs challenging a bit more.

To those who think I need to get over myself - no I don’t. I was wondering something because I thought the comments others were making were different from the comments I would make to someone else myself. Considering that lots of people HAVE experienced this kind of sexism, and considering that a lot of sex inequality can be traced back to assumptions made about people before they’re even born, it’s a reasonable thing to wonder. I might be attributing more to individual comments than I need to, because sure - people do make light conversation without thinking. I don’t for a minute imagine that they’re emotionally invested in what I’m having, apart from maybe immediate relatives. I’m more interested in whether my kids are being born into a world that is more sexist than it claims it is.

Anyway, for many this is clearly a non-issue. Important enough to read the post all the way through and type a reply to get a bit of Mumsnet bullying in before 6am, but a total non-issue that I’m paying too much attention to.

You just have to spend some time on here and see that sons are treated as weirdos when they want to spend any time with their mums, MiLs are the devil to want to spend any time at all with their grandchildren, whereas daughters are completely fine to just want their mums, to understand a bit why people might think it's nice to have a daughter as well as a son. In short, yes it is still a sexist world. There are double standards all over the place. Having said that I don't think it's right to actually be angry with people for coming out with platitudes and I also think it's over the top to call people who just voiced an opinion bullying.

saraclara · 19/08/2023 08:45

Boy / girl pair: ‘how lovely to have one of each’
Boy / boy pair: ‘ah, they will be the best of mates’
Girl / girl pair: ‘oh, Dave will be outnumbered!’

Yup.

Obviously, as the mother of two girls, I want to express sympathy when anyone tells me they're having a boy. But I don't of course. I pick a phrase from the rule book! 😅

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 19/08/2023 08:45

Would you have preferred them to say ‘do you want a medal?’ Genuinely, what would you rather them say? I’d like to know for future reference so I don’t say the wrong thing to someone.
FWIW I have one of each and I think it’s great, I feel ‘lucky’ 😱.
But I equally think it’s great that I have a friend with 3 boys, and that they are lucky, and I also think it’s great that my other friend has 2 girls and they are lucky. I also think it’s great that my other friend has chosen to have an only child and is lucky. See the pattern?

opalescent · 19/08/2023 08:46

Honestly, at this point, what WOULD be a neutral, and non-contentious response to a pregnant person talking about the sex of their baby? Like most people, I sincerely don't give a crap about the ins and outs of another woman's pregnancy, and there are certain conventional phrases that fall out of one's mouth just to move the conversation along.

It's not that deep.

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