I feel so guilty and ashamed

[Mumto1boyo]

Ds is in the terrible 2s and I ha e to wrestle him into his pram. Today was awful, it was raining and he wasn't cooperative. I lost my temper and called him a little cunt and to shut the fuck up.
Im so stressed. I do all the housework,cleaning and cooking and shopping so my dh doesn't have to worry about that as he is the breadwinner. I'm just a sahm. I feel terrible that I said those things to my sweet little boy and I love him so much.
I worry that if my husband wants another baby I will be too old as he is younger than me.
Not sure what my aibu is as I know ibu for being nasty to my darling boy.

You are also likely to be cleaning the house, doing the washing, doing the shopping, cooking meals, ironing, possibly feeding pets, walking pets, cleaning up after pets, and some of us even get conned into doing the garden too, oh and that's not to mention all the household admin that you get to do, together with arranging appointments for workmen to come in if necessary, the washing machine to be fixed if it breaks. The list goes on, and on, and on, OP. So, next time someone asks you what you do, tell them that you're a captain of industry, as effectively, that's what you are!

Don't be ridiculous @UpaladderwatchingTV . You know that working parents need to do all that stuff too, right? And your last sentence is insane, frankly.

Yes, being a SAHM to a toddler is hard work (I've been there), but you actually don't do SAHMs any favours by coming out with this claptrap.

OP, unless cleaning is something that you find psychologically soothing, I really would try to drop your standards and also get your DH involved. Frankly, when I was a SAHM my house was in a worse state than when I worked. I was fortunate to have a DH who expected to pull his weight with the house stuff despite me being in it all day, though.

So you're one of those women who look down on the work that SAHM's do then? Also, if you're a working mum, you don't necessarily do all the things listed, as well as a full time job, it's quite possible you may have a cleaner, a child minder / nursery /a gardener / someone who does your ironing for you, etc. and before you pile in with more insults, I do realise that some SAHM's may also have these things, but the OP clearly doesn't, so get down off your high horse!! The 'Captain of Industry' comment was intended as tongue in cheek, but you clearly have no sense of humour!!

So you're one of those women who look down on the work that SAHM's do then?
Is that seriously what you took from @saraclara 's post??

No @UpaladderwatchingTV I am not 'one of those women'. As I said, I was a SAHM myself (until my children started school).

It's exhasting at times, but it's not brain surgery and no, most working mums and dads do not have cleaners and gardeners and people to do their ironing. They come home from work, feed and spend time with their children (or run them around to clubs), and in the evening and weekends, do all the same admin and housekeeping work that a SAHM does.

I'd be a SAHM for the early years again. I have no regrets about it. And there were bits about it that were really tough (especially as a financial decision). But I never made it out to be some HUGE job. It's just the same housekeeping, admin and parenting stuff but in the daytime.

Yes I do enjoy cleaning.

@Mumto1boyo Berating you is unhelpful but I also don’t think it’s helpful people telling stories of calling their children vile names and acting like it’s normal and ok. It’s not ok but you know that and you’re clearly devastated over this. I hope you aren’t beating yourself up because you’re a human being who did something unacceptable and as long as you learn from it and don’t do it again, then you’re not a bad person or bad parent. It was a one off. You cannot go back in time and change it.
These incidents are good points for considering if you need some extra support or pointers. Raising children (especially toddlers) is really hard work! They don’t come with a manual but there are some good books and websites with helpful strategies.

Well unless she keeps doing it, which I hope she doesn’t I really don’t think he will remember in my opinion. He will remember if she constantly screams and scolds him but if she is generally a loving mother who speaks kindly, I think he’ll be just fine. Get off your high horse people make mistakes sometimes

No I don't regularly shout and scream at him. This is the first and only time.

It works. One small biscuit in the context of a good diet is not going to hurt a child - mother losing her temper might!

OP has lost her rag a bit - we have all done it. It is better she should have a strategy for dealing with the same situation next time so it will not happen again, which is what she wishes.

Sorry, this is where the problem lies. We have NOT all called our toddler-age child a ‘fucking cunt’.

It’s the normalising and minimising of this behaviour that is fucked up. The OP has recognised that it is a ‘never event’ but if enough posters suggest otherwise, what do you think is likely to happen?

My mum said then he will think if he throws a tantrum he will get a sweet or a biscuit.

My earliest memories are from around 18 months of stuff like this. So yeah, they might remember.

Ok hun

• apologize to your son and tell him what you should have done instead when you're feeling over busy instead of swearing (take a deep breath etc) and reassure him it wasn't his fault. Then move on

• when your DH has after work time this should be shared child and house care. If he works 8am-8pm then the morning rush or the evening chores are half his

• 'if my husband wants another dc..' absolutely don't have another one unless you want one too or they'll end up in therapy

Sounds like your guy isn't doing enough. You need some better support beyond financial. Don't beat yourself up. But shame is a useful emotion sometimes as you crossed your own boundaries so just give yourself a time out if you feel like it might happen again. Strap the baby in somewhere safe and give yourself five. X

Your responses get correspondingly more daft, @MariposaKHYU

By not demonising her. By telling her that toddlers are a special kind of testing, that they truly are complete twats at times. But offering her solidarity in feeling that way on occasion. By pointing out that this is a sign she needs support from her stupid husband, that something in her life is not making her happy, and helping her to identify that.

Calling a two year old a cunt is not something to strive for, but she loves her child, she does not neglect or fail him in any way, she doesn’t hit or abuse him, she was just pushed too far and reacted in the moment. She is not desperately ashamed and put her head above the parapet of perfect sanctimonious Mumsnet parenting in order to be ‘punished’ because of it. That’s not a neglectful parent, nor a bad one (they wouldn’t give a shit about calling a toddler names) it’s a burnt out one.

1. Did that
2. He does the morning bits and does his breakfast and eats with him then when he's home they play together which is lovely to watch.
3. We both do

Thank you for your advice

The fact you find that funny is telling. Using abusive language towards children isn’t ok. If I heard that in public I’d think what went on at home must be much worse.

OP, having read the rest of your posts it sounds like you’re determined for this not to happen again. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

What I see a lot is parents swearing at children, shouting, on their phones and shouting whilst ignoring them but then going on Facebook going on about ‘my kids are my world’ etc. Makes me sick. There’s too many parents who are so selfish and wrapped up in themselves but then go on about ‘oh I live for my kids’ and (ironically) often the people who are first to share about cases of child abuse and voice their disgust, not equating how vile they can be to their own children. Rant over, sorry OP, not aimed at you, just despair at people thinking swearing at children is ok.

I'm confused, first you say my reaction is telling (I could tell from that posters context it was said in a humorous way) then you post this?
But yes you are right I will do my utmost to see this doesn't happen again.

Sorry I was an annoying poster who posted without reading the full thread to start with.

I thought that you finding the swearing funny at odds with what you were saying about being upset you swore.

ive read the full thread and think you are placing way too much pressure on yourself to be a perfect mum and partner. Two year olds are hard work but it’s better that your house is the area that suffers rather then your patience. The comments normalising swearing at children when people are frustrated aren’t helpful as what starts as a one off becomes more frequent and it seems ok if other people are doing it.

You’ve been really honest and hopefully you’ll take away from this thread that no, it’s not ok but there are probably ways to make your life easier in general. I used to say to myself ‘does it really matter?’ when I was getting worked up and that led me to more or less giving up the pram when my child was 18 months because they hated it.

Good luck and one day you’ll look back on him being this age so fondly. I remember reading on here that ‘the days are long but the years are short’🙁 and it’s so true!

I agree that it sounds like you’re doing the right things now, but still IMO the fact that this happened is a bit of a red flag. I really would consider whether you’re in the best place to have another child- if you think a toddler is challenging, imagine dealing with the same child 8 months pregnant, or dealing with a pre-schooler and a tiny baby. You need to be at your most mentally resilient. At least give it 6 months to see if this happens again with your existing child, and if it does see if you can get some more support.