Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleazy text from colleague, how to reply?

198 replies

Chickentikka567 · 18/08/2023 14:57

I work in a job where we occasionally work with different people from various areas, sometimes we can work with someone once then not see them again for weeks.
Anyway, I worked with a male before around 10 years older. We're required to have all colleagues' numbers to arrange meeting times.
I worked with him for around an hour as required, he seemed pleasant. Asked me if I were married but I thought it was just chit chat.
I arrived home and an hour ago I received a text saying 'Got any single friends for me? ;) '
I haven't replied. Not sure whether to ignore/reply/report to HR?
Unfortunately not the first time I've had things like this. It's out of order. My reply would be telling him it's completely inappropriate.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 21/08/2023 11:17

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/08/2023 11:07

Mumsnet is so melodramatic. I’d just say no and end the conversation. No need for such an overreaction.

If its such melodrama then HR won't take it seriously and no harm done.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 11:19

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:12

Of course I do.

But for me there is no discussion to be had here.

The OP says she has received a sleazy message from a colleague and feels uncomfortable.

The only right thing to do in this situation is escalate to HR. As a senior manager myself, I would expect this to be the course of action in any professional organisation. If in doubt, report. It's then HR's job to decide the way forward.

No one should ever be made to feel uncomfortable in a work environment and that is why HR exists. I don't understand what there is to debate about that.

I work in Education, and if a male child sent a message that made a female child feel uncomfortable, it would be a safeguarding concern and we would come down on it like a ton of bricks. I don't see that workplaces should operate any differently. The fact that they often don't is down to how normalised misogyny is and how accepting we have become of women being treated badly by men in the workplace.

There may of course be a discussion to be had about whether other people deem the message to be sleazy. Obviously that's down to what women deem to be acceptable behaviour from men. Some women clearly have a very low bar. However, it's neither here nor there within the framework of the OP's original post - she's not asking whether the message is sleazy or not. She's asking what to do about it.

Show quote history

So you are saying that if a sixth former asked another sixth former if any of his/her friends were single it would be a safeguarding concern and you would be coming down on it like a "ton of bricks"😅.

ImABox · 21/08/2023 11:19

TyrannosaurusSex · 18/08/2023 15:00

I would keep the reply simple: 'this is not an appropriate text and this number should only be used for work-related messages'.

I would then forward the msg and my reply to HR 'for information' so that a clear and transparent record has been made of the interaction.

This, anything else or comedic will be seen as engagement and he could argue it was sent in error/you were the mean one etc

ImABox · 21/08/2023 11:20

OnlyFannys · 21/08/2023 11:17

If its such melodrama then HR won't take it seriously and no harm done.

Show quote history

Exactly, you could be the 19th person to have contacted HR this way or the first

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 11:22

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:12

Of course I do.

But for me there is no discussion to be had here.

The OP says she has received a sleazy message from a colleague and feels uncomfortable.

The only right thing to do in this situation is escalate to HR. As a senior manager myself, I would expect this to be the course of action in any professional organisation. If in doubt, report. It's then HR's job to decide the way forward.

No one should ever be made to feel uncomfortable in a work environment and that is why HR exists. I don't understand what there is to debate about that.

I work in Education, and if a male child sent a message that made a female child feel uncomfortable, it would be a safeguarding concern and we would come down on it like a ton of bricks. I don't see that workplaces should operate any differently. The fact that they often don't is down to how normalised misogyny is and how accepting we have become of women being treated badly by men in the workplace.

There may of course be a discussion to be had about whether other people deem the message to be sleazy. Obviously that's down to what women deem to be acceptable behaviour from men. Some women clearly have a very low bar. However, it's neither here nor there within the framework of the OP's original post - she's not asking whether the message is sleazy or not. She's asking what to do about it.

Show quote history

That's a fair point @EnidSpyton and very well put, thank you. In a similar situation (in a previous comment) I did take matters into my own hands and tackled it myself, making my intentions very clear should it happen again.

I don't think there's any question that the message was inappropriate, but it's clear that people do have different opinions on how it should be dealt with and at what what stage HR should be involved. I think people are entitled to take a view on that and the OP clearly wasn't certain herself, hence asking for others' thoughts.

I do think that your 'have you met a man' comment is wrong and unfair.

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 11:22

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:30

Have you ever met a man?

Think about it. Why would he? What would he gain from it?

Asking a male colleague he didn’t know well and had literally just met to help him find a girlfriend - what status would that give him in this workplace relationship? What level of respect would he get from said male colleague for asking that question?

This is why he wouldn’t do it.

Doing it to a female colleague though has the inverse effect. It’s like a cat pissing against a tree. He’s staking out his territory and reminding the female colleague who is in charge. That’s why in this context it’s disrespectful.

Show quote history

Everything you have said is spot on.

The amount of weak, enabling bollocks on this thread depresses me.

This man behaved incredibly disrespectfully towards a colleague and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Bearpawk · 21/08/2023 11:24

Why are you required to use personal numbers for work communication? Don't you have work email/ phones ?

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 11:25

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 11:06

I wouldn't get involved in anything like this. It could be misconstrued as getting involved with the 'banter' that this idiot no doubt thinks his message was. He needs to be told it's inappropriate.

Show quote history

I know sarcasm does not travel well when written sometimes.

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 11:31

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:42

How is it misogyny to ask if she has any single friends?

Show quote history

Are you fucking kidding me?

He’s a much older male colleague she has met once and spent all of one hour with in a work setting.

He then messages her on her personal phone asking her if she has any single friends for him “;)”.

Ask yourself, would he have sent this message to a younger male colleague? No? Then it’s sexism.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:33

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 11:19

So you are saying that if a sixth former asked another sixth former if any of his/her friends were single it would be a safeguarding concern and you would be coming down on it like a "ton of bricks"😅.

Show quote history

No. That's not what I said.

I said if a male student sent a female student a message that made her feel uncomfortable, that would be a safeguarding concern.

I'm so glad you find misogyny and sexual harassment in schools a laughing matter.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:33

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 11:22

Everything you have said is spot on.

The amount of weak, enabling bollocks on this thread depresses me.

This man behaved incredibly disrespectfully towards a colleague and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Show quote history

Thank you :)

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 11:43

MangoCreamPie · 21/08/2023 10:33

I think it's a stupid and cheeky message rather than sleazy.
Stupid because you're not a dating agency, although it depends whether there was what could be considered banter talk that gave him the impression you'd be fine with a question like that. Maybe he said no I'm sadly single looking for a date and then he followed it up with a message.

I don't see why you think it's sleazy. I can totally see guys asking each other if they have someone they could meet.

Maybe I live in a parallel universe from you, but I cannot imagine in a million years a man messaging a much younger male colleague whom they did not know well (spent 1 hour together in a work setting) the message “Got any single friends for me? ;)”

This man’s behaviour is the definition of sleazy.

It’s not ‘cheeky’, or ‘clumsily worded’, it’s sleazy.

Riiiiighty · 21/08/2023 11:44

Just checking. On MN, OLD is dreadful, sad, waste of time, you and your friends should just meet people during the course of your day, speak to people you meet etc.

ALSO, on MN, a man who sends you an ice-breaker/ lousy/sleazy/ all agree could do better/ what was he thinking ONE LINE (however you judge it and recipient is 100% responsible for judging its tone and all surrounding circs leading up to that one line) should be reported to HR/ etc etc etc.

Just make up your minds will you.

Yes, an out of order person or text would be dealt with as such (again, you judge and ask yourself why you attracted such communication) and no need to run to MN- or is it for validation?!

MasterBeth · 21/08/2023 12:10

My response would be "I'm not interested in having this conversation - and it's not appropriate on a work channel."

I would ask HR if they would make a record of my response. I think I would fall short on making a formal complaint, but I would want it noted.

bringoutthebranston · 21/08/2023 12:10

If you are offended by the message then a short sharp reply is sufficient IMHO. You have evidence for HR if he persists. Screenshot before you reply in case he can delete it. As you maybe didn't appear offended by his question about you being married when he asked in person, maybe he was led to believe you wouldn't be offended by the text. Did you enjoy working with him and felt relaxed or uneasy - trust your gut too.
If you advise HR he may get a disciplinary or warning from them. Its a different world now and people have to be careful but still sad that banter and someone possibly harmless who probably liked you is being shot down.

If its not the first time, then did you do anything about unwanted texts before or do you feel this is the last straw? In that case then do what you have to do.

BeverlyBrook · 21/08/2023 12:17

Screenshot and report to HR. Not appropriate at all.

bringoutthebranston · 21/08/2023 12:55

also would you even be asking the same question if you were flattered by the text and liked him?? 🤔

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:03

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:33

No. That's not what I said.

I said if a male student sent a female student a message that made her feel uncomfortable, that would be a safeguarding concern.

I'm so glad you find misogyny and sexual harassment in schools a laughing matter.

Show quote history

I don't think actual misogyny or sexual harassment in schools is a laughing matter at all. However, are you seriously saying that if a male sixth former sent a female sixth former a text asking if any of her friends were single it would be treated as misogyny or harassment in the absence of anything else?

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:05

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 11:31

Are you fucking kidding me?

He’s a much older male colleague she has met once and spent all of one hour with in a work setting.

He then messages her on her personal phone asking her if she has any single friends for him “;)”.

Ask yourself, would he have sent this message to a younger male colleague? No? Then it’s sexism.

Show quote history

He isn't "much older".

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 13:25

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:03

I don't think actual misogyny or sexual harassment in schools is a laughing matter at all. However, are you seriously saying that if a male sixth former sent a female sixth former a text asking if any of her friends were single it would be treated as misogyny or harassment in the absence of anything else?

Show quote history

No I'm not 'seriously saying that' because I never said anything of the sort.

I said that if a male student sent a female student a message that made her feel uncomfortable it would be a safeguarding concern.

If a male student sent a female student a message asking if any of her friends were single, and it made her feel uncomfortable within the context of their relationship, then it would be a safeguarding concern.

If a male student sent a female student a message asking if she or any of her friends were single and the female student was comfortable with it within the context of their relationship, then of course it wouldn't be a safeguarding concern. I never said anywhere that it would be.

Bringing it back to the OP, she is in the former category. A male colleague has sent her a message asking if any of her friends are single, and in the context of their relationship, it has made her feel uncomfortable. Hence HR being the right port of call in this circumstance.

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 13:42

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:05

He isn't "much older".

Show quote history

Given that people in the workplace are typically aged 20 to 60, 10 years older is most certainly much older.

If you think the fact she’s 28 and he’s 38 (say) makes no difference to the dynamic, then you and I must live in completely different universes.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:46

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 13:25

No I'm not 'seriously saying that' because I never said anything of the sort.

I said that if a male student sent a female student a message that made her feel uncomfortable it would be a safeguarding concern.

If a male student sent a female student a message asking if any of her friends were single, and it made her feel uncomfortable within the context of their relationship, then it would be a safeguarding concern.

If a male student sent a female student a message asking if she or any of her friends were single and the female student was comfortable with it within the context of their relationship, then of course it wouldn't be a safeguarding concern. I never said anywhere that it would be.

Bringing it back to the OP, she is in the former category. A male colleague has sent her a message asking if any of her friends are single, and in the context of their relationship, it has made her feel uncomfortable. Hence HR being the right port of call in this circumstance.

Show quote history

I didn’t ask whether you would consider it a safeguarding concern if the female was comfortable with it as you probably wouldn't even know about it then would you? Would you actually consider it a “safeguarding concern” and come down on a male sixth form student “like a ton of bricks” if a female student said she “wasn't comfortable” with the male student sending her a text asking if she had any single friends in the absence of anything else?

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:50

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 13:42

Given that people in the workplace are typically aged 20 to 60, 10 years older is most certainly much older.

If you think the fact she’s 28 and he’s 38 (say) makes no difference to the dynamic, then you and I must live in completely different universes.

Show quote history

I think 28 and 38 doesn't make much difference the dynamic actually, unless the 28 year old is very immature.

Usernamen · 21/08/2023 14:01

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 13:50

I think 28 and 38 doesn't make much difference the dynamic actually, unless the 28 year old is very immature.

Show quote history

Right.

So do you think this perfectly innocent 38 year-old man would have messaged a 28 year-old male colleague he had only met once and spent a total of 1 hour with in a work setting the message “Got any single friends for me? ;)”? Yes or no?

indyocean · 21/08/2023 14:01

I would send back a simple message:

No, sorry.

Then leave it. If he messages again, try a different approach