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Original poster

Sleazy text from colleague, how to reply?

198 replies

Chickentikka567 · 18/08/2023 14:57

I work in a job where we occasionally work with different people from various areas, sometimes we can work with someone once then not see them again for weeks.
Anyway, I worked with a male before around 10 years older. We're required to have all colleagues' numbers to arrange meeting times.
I worked with him for around an hour as required, he seemed pleasant. Asked me if I were married but I thought it was just chit chat.
I arrived home and an hour ago I received a text saying 'Got any single friends for me? ;) '
I haven't replied. Not sure whether to ignore/reply/report to HR?
Unfortunately not the first time I've had things like this. It's out of order. My reply would be telling him it's completely inappropriate.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 21/08/2023 09:29

Your response needs to be kept totally professional.

Its entirely possible that you're not the first colleague he's done this too. It could be part of a wider problem. Inform HR.

Deathbyfluffy · 21/08/2023 09:33

Testina · 18/08/2023 16:54

Can we please have just one thread about a man’s poor behaviour being potentially attributed to neurodivergence before the end of page 1?
Just one.
Please.

Show quote history

Was going to say - I’m an ND man (who sometimes reads things completely incorrectly) but even I know this is bloody awful and not appropriate.

I echo the ‘sorry, this is a work only communications channel’ method then HR if he carries on.

Misty84 · 21/08/2023 09:35

category12 · 18/08/2023 15:52

1 message I'd ignore, 2 messages I'd say "not appropriate topic", 3 I'd escalate things.

This.

Stripyunicorn · 21/08/2023 09:36

I agree with the pp who said send something like "I think you have the wrong number, this is name from work".

If he then replies that the message was for you, then I would reply with one of the not appropriate/ work only suggestions.

I probably wouldn't speak to HR immediately, but I would if he replied after you saying it is inappropriate.

ASDMumof2 · 21/08/2023 09:37

So it's a work phone, but not an outrageous question if he's single! He met you and trusts you enough to be cheeky. I would not be offended but would laugh it off.

I'd say sorry no single mates, try a dating app laughing face and then be down with it.

No need to involve HR or anything, take a chill pill!

Brefugee · 21/08/2023 09:37

The really inappropriate thing here, tbh, is the requirement to share private numbers.

I would approach HR about this - if you must share numbers, the company should pay for work phones.

Now you've all done this, not easy to get the genie back in the bottle but it's worth a try.

OP you could be vague and say "just in case something inadvertently inappropriate happened"

Deffo message him back with "you have my private number for work purposes only" and screenshot his and your messages in case you need to escalate

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 09:39

TyrannosaurusSex · 18/08/2023 15:00

I would keep the reply simple: 'this is not an appropriate text and this number should only be used for work-related messages'.

I would then forward the msg and my reply to HR 'for information' so that a clear and transparent record has been made of the interaction.

This is the only appropriate response.

I can’t believe some of the posts on this thread from grown women.

Trying to shame and embarrass him by calling him gay? What an adult response. Not to mention deeply homophobic. What is wrong with some of you? Jesus wept.

Send him a dick pic of your husband like someone else’s ‘cool’ friend? Yeah because that’s a really cool thing to do and definitely a professional way of dealing with harassment from a colleague…

Women who think this is no big deal are part of the problem.

The fact that this bloke thought nothing of sending such a message to the OP tells you everything you need to know. He will have done it before and he clearly thinks there will be no consequences.

These men need to be stopped. The only way to do this is to shut it down immediately and report it, and then demand that HR do something about it.

We will never get anywhere near equality while women keep making excuses for men’s misogyny.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:41

Just say sorry no. I can't believe how some people are getting so worked up about this. He is not hassling OP and the text isn't what I would call "sleazy".

GP78 · 21/08/2023 09:41

Shut it down but don't go to HR after one message unless you want them to take it further.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:42

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 09:39

This is the only appropriate response.

I can’t believe some of the posts on this thread from grown women.

Trying to shame and embarrass him by calling him gay? What an adult response. Not to mention deeply homophobic. What is wrong with some of you? Jesus wept.

Send him a dick pic of your husband like someone else’s ‘cool’ friend? Yeah because that’s a really cool thing to do and definitely a professional way of dealing with harassment from a colleague…

Women who think this is no big deal are part of the problem.

The fact that this bloke thought nothing of sending such a message to the OP tells you everything you need to know. He will have done it before and he clearly thinks there will be no consequences.

These men need to be stopped. The only way to do this is to shut it down immediately and report it, and then demand that HR do something about it.

We will never get anywhere near equality while women keep making excuses for men’s misogyny.

Show quote history

How is it misogyny to ask if she has any single friends?

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 09:44

ASDMumof2 · 21/08/2023 09:37

So it's a work phone, but not an outrageous question if he's single! He met you and trusts you enough to be cheeky. I would not be offended but would laugh it off.

I'd say sorry no single mates, try a dating app laughing face and then be down with it.

No need to involve HR or anything, take a chill pill!

She met him for one hour for a work meeting.

Now he’s using her personal number to send her messages about dating.

It’s not ‘cheeky’. It’s highly inappropriate. They aren’t friends. They are work colleagues who barely know each other.

Would you send a male colleague you’d just met a message like this? Honestly? Would you genuinely sit there and think ‘I know what, I’m going to text this random bloke I just met yesterday to talk about the data on X about whether he’s got any single mates’?

I think you know the answer. Please let’s not set the bar so low for what we expect from men. In a professional environment this kind of messaging is not appropriate unless you have a genuinely close relationship with that colleague. Unsolicited messages like this are not ok and telling ourselves that they are perpetuates men’s ability to create toxic work environments for women.

TheUsualChaos · 21/08/2023 09:45

Spirallingdownwards · 18/08/2023 16:36

I actually think saying Behave yourself ! may come across as flirting back.

I think the this is not an appropriate text and this number should only be used for work-related messages is far better and less likely to be mistaken as anything else.

Yes I agree with this. Telling a guy to behave would be taken as encouragement by some men, particularly of the sleazy variety.

A simple "That isn't appropriate. Have a good week" such should suffice.

I'm on the fence about HR. It's seems a bit overkill for one unprofessional text that wasn't overly sexual or aggressive. But on the other hand I highly doubt this is his first rodeo and maybe it's about time he was pulled up on it!

Janiie · 21/08/2023 09:45

Just ignore it. I can't believe how many posters would go running to HR. If he persists then that is when you escalate.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 09:45

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:42

How is it misogyny to ask if she has any single friends?

Show quote history

It shows he has zero respect for her as a colleague.

He wouldn’t text a male colleague he just met asking that question, would he?

Fraaahnces · 21/08/2023 09:47

Actually, I would screenshot and advise HR that this is exactly why you feel that sharing your own personal phone number with colleagues is inappropriate. You should be given a separate work phone and given the choice about whom you share your private number with.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:50

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 09:45

It shows he has zero respect for her as a colleague.

He wouldn’t text a male colleague he just met asking that question, would he?

Show quote history

While it is inappropriate I don't see how it shows a lack of respect. Why do you assume he wouldn't ask a male colleague?

W0tnow · 21/08/2023 09:55

Oh for goodness sake. Just say ‘no’. This is exactly why I hated HR. We really have better things to do.

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 09:58

Some of the replies are bonkers- jokes about being gay, dick pics by return?! Do people honestly stoop to the level of some men's behaviour in this way? To what end? To lose their jobs?

Don't do any of this. Neither reply something bantery like 'behave!'. Plenty of men will not see that as a line being drawn. I don't think this needs escalating just yet although perfectly legit to do so. I'd say 'hi Jim, my number has been shared with you for work purposes only. Can you please bear that in mind from now on. Thanks.'. Dry as a bone, nothing to take offence or respond to.

user1492757084 · 21/08/2023 10:03

Simple reply.

I'm a work colleague not a dating agency.

His message was inappropriate but not offensive.
Some people do make friends with work mates and some even marry them..

I would not report him unless his messages continue and become threatening, repetitive or sleezy.
I do not see asking you out for a meal or date as a problem unless you say no and he won't back off.

TheUsualChaos · 21/08/2023 10:04

Also, thinking about it, I am surprised that within an hour of meeting he asked the OP if she was married. Considering they were working, how were personal questions relavant? And would he have asked a male colleague if they were married?

user1492757084 · 21/08/2023 10:07

I've read this completely wrong. I assumed the OP was male and that the work mate was also male and gay.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 21/08/2023 10:12

Just say “work related messages only please” and screenshot.

And PP, please stop it with The ‘witty’ responses suggesting male friends. Think about what that is based on. The implication that it would be shocking or insulting to him to suggest a man.

And what if the OP is a man and the colleague was asking for single friends? It’s still sleazy to use a work connection to ask for potential dates.

Mumteedum · 21/08/2023 10:13

lanthanum · 18/08/2023 18:04

Does your work supply the phone? It's unreasonable to have to share your private phone number with lots of people, particularly if some of them do not respect that it is for work purposes only. You've said it's not the first time, so I would be asking HR about changing the policy.

This!

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:15

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 09:50

While it is inappropriate I don't see how it shows a lack of respect. Why do you assume he wouldn't ask a male colleague?

Show quote history

If a male colleague asked me during our first ever work meeting whether I was married, and then followed that one hour meeting when we had both literally met each other for the first time - with a text to my personal phone - asking me whether I had any single friends, I would find that intensely disrespectful to me as a professional colleague. The emphasis on my own sex life followed by him trying to
involve me in his - after working with each other very briefly - makes it clear he does not see me as a colleague and doesn’t respect me as a professional. He sees me as a piece of meat.

I can guarantee a man would not ask a male colleague in their first ever professional encounter whether he was having regular sex with someone or not, and then follow up that with a text message asking if he knew any single women who would go on a date with him. Absolutely guarantee.

It’s about power and putting women in their (inferior) place.

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 10:16

This happened to me in a very similar situation. I responded with the following.

'Assuming this is not a wrong number, please understand that you should use this number for work related issues only. Any further communication in the same vein will be immediately forwarded to HR'.

I received a 'noted, please accept my apologies' message about a nano second later. I did screenshot the message and my reply and you absolutely should too. If you feel you should escalate it to HR then of course you should, but this worked for me.