Page 5 | Sleazy text from colleague, how to reply?

Chickentikka567 · 2023-08-18T13:57:22+00:00

I work in a job where we occasionally work with different people from various areas, sometimes we can work with someone once then not see them again for weeks. Anyway, I worked with a male before around 10 years older. We're required to have all colleagues' numbers to arrange meeting times. I worked with him for around an hour as required, he seemed pleasant. Asked me if I were married but I thought it was just chit chat. I arrived home and an hour ago I received a text saying 'Got any single friends for me? ;) ' I haven't replied. Not sure whether to ignore/reply/report to HR? Unfortunately not the first time I've had things like this. It's out of order. My reply would be telling him it's completely inappropriate.

Budikka · 21/08/2023 10:16

Hearmeout · 18/08/2023 15:04

I think not everything life is that deep.

he's not asked you if you're single so I would ignore.

Maybe he's neurodivergent and doesn't get that you're still colleagues and not friends and so you're not the one to ask about prospective introductions.

If he messages again then fair enough, highlight it.

This is the best reply. The others who write just: "Report him to HR" are the people among us who would get off on living in East Germany or North Korea.

It has not been proven that East Germans or North Koreans are biologically different to us. Every society has its percentage of ugly repressed and unloved people. Weirdly a high proportion seem to work in HR!

OnlyFannys · 21/08/2023 10:18

Budikka · 21/08/2023 10:16

This is the best reply. The others who write just: "Report him to HR" are the people among us who would get off on living in East Germany or North Korea.

It has not been proven that East Germans or North Koreans are biologically different to us. Every society has its percentage of ugly repressed and unloved people. Weirdly a high proportion seem to work in HR!

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Eh...?

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 10:19

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:15

If a male colleague asked me during our first ever work meeting whether I was married, and then followed that one hour meeting when we had both literally met each other for the first time - with a text to my personal phone - asking me whether I had any single friends, I would find that intensely disrespectful to me as a professional colleague. The emphasis on my own sex life followed by him trying to
involve me in his - after working with each other very briefly - makes it clear he does not see me as a colleague and doesn’t respect me as a professional. He sees me as a piece of meat.

I can guarantee a man would not ask a male colleague in their first ever professional encounter whether he was having regular sex with someone or not, and then follow up that with a text message asking if he knew any single women who would go on a date with him. Absolutely guarantee.

It’s about power and putting women in their (inferior) place.

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How can you guarantee he wouldn't ask male colleague?

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:30

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 10:19

How can you guarantee he wouldn't ask male colleague?

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Have you ever met a man?

Think about it. Why would he? What would he gain from it?

Asking a male colleague he didn’t know well and had literally just met to help him find a girlfriend - what status would that give him in this workplace relationship? What level of respect would he get from said male colleague for asking that question?

This is why he wouldn’t do it.

Doing it to a female colleague though has the inverse effect. It’s like a cat pissing against a tree. He’s staking out his territory and reminding the female colleague who is in charge. That’s why in this context it’s disrespectful.

MangoCreamPie · 21/08/2023 10:33

I think it's a stupid and cheeky message rather than sleazy.
Stupid because you're not a dating agency, although it depends whether there was what could be considered banter talk that gave him the impression you'd be fine with a question like that. Maybe he said no I'm sadly single looking for a date and then he followed it up with a message.

I don't see why you think it's sleazy. I can totally see guys asking each other if they have someone they could meet.

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 10:35

Have you ever met a man?

Not all men are sleazy @EnidSpyton , that's rather unfair. I have a female colleague who is the most sleazy person I've every worked with.

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 10:35

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:30

Have you ever met a man?

Think about it. Why would he? What would he gain from it?

Asking a male colleague he didn’t know well and had literally just met to help him find a girlfriend - what status would that give him in this workplace relationship? What level of respect would he get from said male colleague for asking that question?

This is why he wouldn’t do it.

Doing it to a female colleague though has the inverse effect. It’s like a cat pissing against a tree. He’s staking out his territory and reminding the female colleague who is in charge. That’s why in this context it’s disrespectful.

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I have met lots of men and some are attracted to men rather than women or both. You don't even know OP is female. Do you think this wouldn't happen if both OP and the colleague were gay men?

Tillow4ever · 21/08/2023 10:36

I’m assuming the OP said that they were married, hence the “any single FRIENDS”. A colleague of mine asked me once if I had any single friends…. Or married ones with loose morals. I laughed it off because we’d worked together for a while and thought he was mucking about. Years later he kissed one of my married colleagues and she’s now divorced and living with him.

OP you know in your gut what he was getting at, or you wouldn’t have posted in here or had that feeling he was being sleazy. The words have been picked carefully so if you go to HR, at most it would be a slap on the wrist and he’d end up bad mouthing you to everyone. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He wants to know if you are up for more, but without specifically asking that to get into hot water at work.

if you are not interested in any way, I would either shut him down by replying something like “This number is only to be used for work contact, please keep all messages professional” or similar. Whether or not you want to take it to HR is up to you. He may have form for this and you reporting will stop him. But if you don’t want the hassle, that’s ok too. It’s a message designed not to cross enough lines to make HR interested. He knows what he’s doing.

I would consider talking to the business about making you use personal phones in this way. I choose to give my work colleagues my personal number. But no-one makes me do that. You shouldn’t HAVE to give out your personal number at work to be able to do your job. I’d almost consider that a bigger issue than this guy doing this. What’s to stop someone that doesn’t like you from using your number to sign you up to all sorts of crap with no way of knowing who did it?

Good luck!

MangoCreamPie · 21/08/2023 10:42

Reporting to HR is total overkill. If he'd sent you a dick pic, sure yeah.

I can imagine a conversation at work like:
Him: so, are you married?
Op: yeah married for years what about you?
Him: no I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago and dating apps haven't been great.....
Interruption at work and conversation stops
Later after work carrying off the conversation earlier:
So do you have any single friends?

He is 10 years older and so not like the early 20s folks who wouldn't talk like this, this guy is probably at least 30 and it's totally normal to introduce people.

People meet through work or through a someone's someone connection so I don't know why you're offended... I would think it's cheeky because I only met him for an hour it sounds forward because how could I recommend him to someone or introduce him when I don't know him enough yet but he was direct and maybe desperate........ I think I'd feel an ick about him rather than sleazy and report to HR omg how extreme.

OnlyFannys · 21/08/2023 10:49

Tillow4ever · 21/08/2023 10:36

I’m assuming the OP said that they were married, hence the “any single FRIENDS”. A colleague of mine asked me once if I had any single friends…. Or married ones with loose morals. I laughed it off because we’d worked together for a while and thought he was mucking about. Years later he kissed one of my married colleagues and she’s now divorced and living with him.

OP you know in your gut what he was getting at, or you wouldn’t have posted in here or had that feeling he was being sleazy. The words have been picked carefully so if you go to HR, at most it would be a slap on the wrist and he’d end up bad mouthing you to everyone. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He wants to know if you are up for more, but without specifically asking that to get into hot water at work.

if you are not interested in any way, I would either shut him down by replying something like “This number is only to be used for work contact, please keep all messages professional” or similar. Whether or not you want to take it to HR is up to you. He may have form for this and you reporting will stop him. But if you don’t want the hassle, that’s ok too. It’s a message designed not to cross enough lines to make HR interested. He knows what he’s doing.

I would consider talking to the business about making you use personal phones in this way. I choose to give my work colleagues my personal number. But no-one makes me do that. You shouldn’t HAVE to give out your personal number at work to be able to do your job. I’d almost consider that a bigger issue than this guy doing this. What’s to stop someone that doesn’t like you from using your number to sign you up to all sorts of crap with no way of knowing who did it?

Good luck!

Totally agree, he is testing the water to open up a conversation about his sex life without it being anything too obvious that could get him in trouble. I used to work for oil and gas engineering companies which are incredibly male dominated so I've had this many many times in my younger years but I was too green and naive to stand up for myself, that's why I advocate taking this shit seriously and making it very clear it's inappropriate. He might try this with younger or more naive colleagues who are too worried about offending that they get led down a rabbit hole. I've been there.

Last week I reported a male colleague when I found out he had been telling a more junior female colleague that his wife let's him sleep around then asking her over for dinner with him. It's not OK, it's a professional environment not tinder or a bar.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:49

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 10:35

I have met lots of men and some are attracted to men rather than women or both. You don't even know OP is female. Do you think this wouldn't happen if both OP and the colleague were gay men?

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We’re not talking about gay men. And no, I don’t assume that a gay man would send another gay man at work a sleazy message, as I’m not homophobic.

The OP is female and she is talking about a straight male colleague. This is obvious from her first post.

I don’t understand why you’re so interested in defending sleazy male behaviour. The OP has stated herself that she found the message sleazy. She met the bloke so she’s best placed to decide the spirit in which the message was sent.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:51

@OnlyFannys and @Tillow4ever thank god there are some other women on here who see this for what it is! Thank you!

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 10:55

"I do but not for you"

Floppyelf · 21/08/2023 11:01

I would be tempted to reply with “yes I do have single friends but they’re not into old guys”

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 11:04

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:51

@OnlyFannys and @Tillow4ever thank god there are some other women on here who see this for what it is! Thank you!

You do know that different people can have a different viewpoint, and a different way of dealing with situations, than you do, right?

It strikes me as so odd when people on MN just cannot discuss things with others. They have to be right, there's no room for debate.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/08/2023 11:04

It's up to each person to decide what they feel is enough of an overstep to report to HR. I'm not sure why we need to minimise something clearly inappropriate, sleazy and uncomfortable that a man is doing, or look for ways to make it 'less' disgusting and pathetic than it obviously is. As if a dick pic is one for HR and this is for the woman who received it to absorb whether or not they are uncomfortable and to do nothing about in case he gets in trouble. He knows what he's done is inappropriate, there is no way he doesn't.

If I had received a dick pic from a colleague in these circumstances I would take that to the police. This message I would be perfectly happy to take to HR if that is what I felt was most appropriate and OP if you feel the same then so should you if you are comfortable to and if not fine.

I would either not reply at all, would screenshot and take to HR, or would screenshot and take to HR after I had replied to say that this was a work number and that I find his message completely inappropriate.

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 11:06

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 10:55

"I do but not for you"

I wouldn't get involved in anything like this. It could be misconstrued as getting involved with the 'banter' that this idiot no doubt thinks his message was. He needs to be told it's inappropriate.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/08/2023 11:06

I would send a message back saying you found the text offensive, that you’re not a dating service, and making it clear that any similar contact will be reported to your HR.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/08/2023 11:07

Mumsnet is so melodramatic. I’d just say no and end the conversation. No need for such an overreaction.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/08/2023 11:08

Budikka · 21/08/2023 10:16

This is the best reply. The others who write just: "Report him to HR" are the people among us who would get off on living in East Germany or North Korea.

It has not been proven that East Germans or North Koreans are biologically different to us. Every society has its percentage of ugly repressed and unloved people. Weirdly a high proportion seem to work in HR!

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😂😂😂 this!

MeridianB · 21/08/2023 11:09

Totally unacceptable. I'd ignore and take a screen shot. If your project is over can you block him?

Definitely report if he makes any other comments.

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 11:12

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 11:04

You do know that different people can have a different viewpoint, and a different way of dealing with situations, than you do, right?

It strikes me as so odd when people on MN just cannot discuss things with others. They have to be right, there's no room for debate.

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Of course I do.

But for me there is no discussion to be had here.

The OP says she has received a sleazy message from a colleague and feels uncomfortable.

The only right thing to do in this situation is escalate to HR. As a senior manager myself, I would expect this to be the course of action in any professional organisation. If in doubt, report. It's then HR's job to decide the way forward.

No one should ever be made to feel uncomfortable in a work environment and that is why HR exists. I don't understand what there is to debate about that.

I work in Education, and if a male child sent a message that made a female child feel uncomfortable, it would be a safeguarding concern and we would come down on it like a ton of bricks. I don't see that workplaces should operate any differently. The fact that they often don't is down to how normalised misogyny is and how accepting we have become of women being treated badly by men in the workplace.

There may of course be a discussion to be had about whether other people deem the message to be sleazy. Obviously that's down to what women deem to be acceptable behaviour from men. Some women clearly have a very low bar. However, it's neither here nor there within the framework of the OP's original post - she's not asking whether the message is sleazy or not. She's asking what to do about it.

User63847484848 · 21/08/2023 11:13

I’d probably reply with an eye roll emoji

HairsprayBabe · 21/08/2023 11:14

They get one benefit of the doubt:

"I don't think you meant to send this to me this is X from work"

anything else fwd to HR

WomblingTree86 · 21/08/2023 11:14

EnidSpyton · 21/08/2023 10:49

We’re not talking about gay men. And no, I don’t assume that a gay man would send another gay man at work a sleazy message, as I’m not homophobic.

The OP is female and she is talking about a straight male colleague. This is obvious from her first post.

I don’t understand why you’re so interested in defending sleazy male behaviour. The OP has stated herself that she found the message sleazy. She met the bloke so she’s best placed to decide the spirit in which the message was sent.

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I didn't say do you assume a gay man would. I said do you assume that a gay man wouldn't if OP was a gay man as you said he wouldn't have done this to a man. I don't think it's obvious OP is female and I'm also not defending the behaviour. I just think some of the responses including yours are over the top. OP just needs to tell him no or that it's inappropriate and leave it to that.