Page 9 | Should I tell OW Husband?

Daffodil18 · 2023-08-18T09:55:52+00:00

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies. YABU - I should not break up another family YANBU - He has a right to know

MrsFiddle · 19/08/2023 20:02

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:13

He has a right to know. I was the last to find out and that was more humiliating than my ex cheating in itself. Imagine telling your "friends" about your future plans while they sit there politely smiling and nodding along knowing that your partner was sleeping with another woman. Imagine going to parties and you're the only dummy there who doesn't know.

I lost my ex but, worse than that, I lost all my friends when I eventually found out because I couldn't forgive the humiliation and infantilisation they decided to subject me to.

I know how you felt - I was the same. Ran into a whole bunch of "friends" out for a coffee as a group - they all moved on quickly, didn't stop walking apart from one who spoke to me. You are thinking WTF have I done to be excluded? The woman my H was having an affair with was one of them. These were all women who I knew well.

BrimFullOfAsher · 19/08/2023 20:07

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 16:21

Thank you for all of your support I’ve read every message. I think telling him is the right thing as people have only said not to because of him assaulting his DW which I just do not think he would do. I did pluck up the courage to call but he is away for a night with family so it was just not right to tell him. I just said to call me tomorrow. This week I have told ExDH multiple times he needs to tell his friend but he just said he can’t because it would ruin his family. I think if I gave ExDH an ultimatum then he would just threaten suicide so then I wouldn’t be able to tell his friend.

Maybe advise the OW that either she tells her husband or you will, because you won't be complicit in keeping their dirty little secret.

Bugbabe1970 · 19/08/2023 21:19

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:28

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

I'm sorry but it was 'unsisterly' for the OW to sleep with her husband!

He as every right to know and I would tell him

DrSbaitso · 19/08/2023 21:47

BrimFullOfAsher · 19/08/2023 20:07

Maybe advise the OW that either she tells her husband or you will, because you won't be complicit in keeping their dirty little secret.

Show quote history

I don't really get this kind of ultimatum. Why not just tell him yourself, if you're determined that one of you will do it? Why coerce her into it? And how will you know she's told him?

And how will people feel if OP tells the husband, he replies "thank you", never mentions it again and stays with his wife?

PrancersDancer · 19/08/2023 22:38

I did

tensmum1964 · 19/08/2023 22:41

How would you feel if that information was being kept from you about someone you considered a friend and was offering support to. I think you know the answer.

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 23:10

Oh this is hard…
you are leaving your husband because of this affair…..
mid you tell the OW’s husband he might kick her out and your husband has what he wanted…
might you don’t tell them the OW might dump your husband and he ends up with neither of you!
I knew a couple who both cheated on their DH’s/DW’s to be together and ended up together…. I can relay that both never trusted the other and used to be very jealous and possessive…
Habe a good think about all the possible outcomes and what you will achieve from telling him before doing it.

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 23:21

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

If she was fucking my husband I wouldn’t actually care what her home life was like.
Just because her marriage was in trouble doesn’t give her the right to destroy someone else’s … there’s plenty of single men out there if she wanted to play around

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 23:29

Blimey @DoomsdayPrep you hate men don’t you!!!
why do you assume that every woman cheering is just ‘liberated’ sexually, why do you think women should stick together against men even if that woman has slept with your husband?!…. Why do you assume all men are wife beaters?!

you are so sexist it’s unreal

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 23:48

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 13:26

What I found really useful was contacting 2 of the OW myself and having a woman to woman chat. The first resulted in solidarity and friendship - my husband had been lying to and manipulating her. She left him. The other I simply sent a brief text asking her woman to women if it were still going on, so I could make reality based decisions about my own life going forward. She sent me a kind response. Again, he'd been lying to her and me. It can be more useful than setting an angry man on a woman who may not even know the truth.

So you had kind words with these 2 women??? Earlier you said you told their DH and he turned violent?! Your story keeps changing!
also the OW knew exactly what she was doing as her DH and OP’s DH are best friends!!!!

Deathbyfluffy · 19/08/2023 23:57

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:36

Yes, what I've said is controversial and in the past I would have agreed with "fuck that."

But no one owns anyone. I don't need a third party's consent to love or fuck someone. Neither does my husband's lover.

Lying, gaslighting, fucking with a woman's financial security, and exposing her to male violence are unsisterly. Fucking her lover - nah. That's between her and the lover. All agreements are subject to change.

Bit early to be on the sauce at midday isn’t it?
That’s the only reason for such a bonkers view IMO

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/08/2023 04:09

Usernamen · 18/08/2023 12:36

Definitely stay out of it.

She is already in it.

Ukrainebaby23 · 20/08/2023 06:55

I think OP said its someone she knows, then yes I would tell him, if only because otherwise its keeping a secret that really you didn't want you know.

If she didn't know him, then maybe I'd think otherwise.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 08:05

Unless he’s close family or a very very good friend I’d keep your nose out.
maybe he’s had affairs too, maybe they have an open marriage. It’s not your business to go poking about in other peoples marriages unless you know the state of play and are really very very close in which case I’d speak to her first, as she’s having the ‘affair’, not him.

Original poster

Daffodil18 · 20/08/2023 09:08

Well I did tell him and he’s not been violent to his DW. However it’s not looking good for my ExDH. When I first told him he was very angry at me saying I was lying and hung up. He rang back after speaking with his DW and she did tell him the truth. He’s saying he’s going to kill my DH and obviously I really do not want that. It turns out that he did have suspicions which I went to him with 4 months ago but he brushed them off. If he’d told me what he knew, it would’ve become clear back then that it was her. I thought my life was so normal before and turns out it’s been a whole lie as ExDH has probably been in love with OW our whole 12 year marriage. And to really add the cherry to the cake it’s my anniversary today. This whole thing is messed up.

OP posts:

Wouldyouguess · 20/08/2023 09:15

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 08:05

Unless he’s close family or a very very good friend I’d keep your nose out.
maybe he’s had affairs too, maybe they have an open marriage. It’s not your business to go poking about in other peoples marriages unless you know the state of play and are really very very close in which case I’d speak to her first, as she’s having the ‘affair’, not him.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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QS90 · 20/08/2023 09:53

Well done OP. It's hard, but you did the right thing. I'm sure everything will be fine and the other husband is just shocked and angry atm.

T1Dmama · 20/08/2023 10:15

Daffodil18 · 20/08/2023 09:08

Well I did tell him and he’s not been violent to his DW. However it’s not looking good for my ExDH. When I first told him he was very angry at me saying I was lying and hung up. He rang back after speaking with his DW and she did tell him the truth. He’s saying he’s going to kill my DH and obviously I really do not want that. It turns out that he did have suspicions which I went to him with 4 months ago but he brushed them off. If he’d told me what he knew, it would’ve become clear back then that it was her. I thought my life was so normal before and turns out it’s been a whole lie as ExDH has probably been in love with OW our whole 12 year marriage. And to really add the cherry to the cake it’s my anniversary today. This whole thing is messed up.

All @Daffodil18 youve told him now, so back away and get on with rebuilding your life and keeping your kids safe and ok! The other woman isn’t your concern anymore, and neither is her DH, it’s up to them now whether they separate or seek marriage counselling and work things out.
He won’t ‘kill your DH’… but expevt he’s feeling pretty betrayed! Your ex husband is a real piece of work though…. You found out about the affair and he told you it was some random woman…you took him back and were willing try but he carried on shagging his best friends wife right under both your noses?!!…. What a shit!! He then uses his best friend as a shoulder to cry on and has the ordasity to threaten suicide to try to manipulate you both into feeling what?… sorry for him? Guilty for throwing him out? What a manipulative shit he is… trying to make the 2 victims feel sorry for him!
Hes also managed to convince you that the other woman is somehow innocent in this and he ‘pursued her’…. So that you would keep their dirty little secret and sneak around undetected…. No doubt they told you the affair was over, maybe even stopped it for a wife’s weeks to fool you into silence….
i hope your ex husband ends
up with neither of you.. what a horrible man! Don’t let him manipulate you…. Insist the contact you have is regarding the children… nothing else… harden up and tell him that you don’t want to hear his BS anymore, while
hes threatening suicide please don’t let him see you or the kids… call the police on 101 social services and report his unstable mental health and threats of suicide and tell them he’s not to see you or the kids until he’s mentally stable.. He is after all a man who is loosing everything (including his manipulative control over you all) and might turn nasty/revengeful. He might attempt suicide but try to take you and the kids with him! Be careful and stay safe.

Pissedoffandcovidy · 20/08/2023 10:22

You did the right thing, poor man, he’s been doubly betrayed my his wife and friend. I still can’t believe the audacity of your ex using him as a shoulder to cry on. Your ex is not a good man - I hope your life becomes so much better without him in it.

T1Dmama · 20/08/2023 10:27

Also I’d look into applying for divorce ASAP… Take control back. Reading through the lines I bet this marriage has been controlling from the beginning, with him gaslighting you, making you feel crazy for suspecting an affair! Take back the power and like I say, tell him communication from now on will only be you giving updates about the children. Restrict it to email only and keep all contact strictly via that source, only answer questions regarding the kids and don’t get drawn into answering questions or asking any about him!
I wouldn’t answer the phone/door anything to him personally. I’d change the locks on your house even if it’s partially owned by him and inform the police you’ve done this for safety..
Do you rent or own your house? Sort your finances OP,, apply for benefits, council tax relief etc.
There is a benefits calculator you can use to see which benefits you should apply for.
lastly Good luck OP…. Please stop worrying about him now.. he’s an adult, if he gets beaten up or self harms it’s on him, father of your children or not he’s no longer your responsibility…

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 20/08/2023 10:44

You now know about the affair, and your marriage is over, your DH has left.
You have told the DH of the OW.

You cannot save your marriage, you now need to save yourself.

Pull up the drawbridge.

You need to get on with the practicals to save yourself and do what is best for you and your DC. You owe no one else anything.

You need to sort out your financials. If he has left/ or been kicked out, you need to see if you are entitled to any benefits, take him off the council tax. You need to see a solicitor ASAP. They will advise you on financials, housing and what is best for your DC at the moment. They shouldn't be alone with him if he is suicidal or mentally unstable.

Don't speak to him, don't let him in, don't communicate with him unless you absolutely have to. Do no listen to any more info about him, and this saga. Tell him you are not interested, it is no longer your concern, you are moving on, and you are both history.

M340 · 20/08/2023 12:30

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 08:05

Unless he’s close family or a very very good friend I’d keep your nose out.
maybe he’s had affairs too, maybe they have an open marriage. It’s not your business to go poking about in other peoples marriages unless you know the state of play and are really very very close in which case I’d speak to her first, as she’s having the ‘affair’, not him.

Lol

Mari9999 · 20/08/2023 12:55

How is the OP's life one iota better because she has "told on" the OW? She has brought confirmed misery into another household, and her own situation was not made one inch better because of her sharing. I suppose that it is true that misery loves company. I never see adding to damage as a way of improving any situation.

Rather than looking backwards and hurting over what is gone or perhaps never was. The OP can look at today as both an ending and a beginning of the next phase of her life. Her life will be what she makes of it rather than what someone else makes of it.

As long as she continues to focus on what her ex did,it takes time and focus away from what she should be doing to take control of her future. It can be both frightening and liberating to realize that rather than blaming him for being himself you have to accept that it is you now who will be in charge of your happiness.

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 20/08/2023 16:41

How is the OP's life one iota better because she has "told on" the OW?

It’s not. But, it was the right think to do. Harbouring their dirty secret made OP an accessory to the lie. Now she’s not.

She hasn’t brought any suffering into that other house. That’s on the pair of cheating skanks.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 20/08/2023 18:30

My sil (let's call her Michelle) and her husband (Alvin) broke up because he had an affair with a close friend of theirs (Clare).

Clare's husband (Clive) discovered it some weeks before Michelle did. He and Clare just suddenly ended their relationship (how it looked to everyone else).

It was only afterwards that Michelle realised the reason for the acrimonious split, which was very out of character for Clive.

We talked about it, and she said that she was glad that Clive hadn't told her. She wouldn't have thanked him for it, no matter how well intentioned.

Tread carefully, OP.