Should I tell OW Husband?

[Daffodil18]

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies.

YABU - I should not break up another family
YANBU - He has a right to know

I guess one consideration is is that by telling the OW’s DH, you increase the chance that she might set up home with your STBExDH.

But no doubt you’ve taken that into account, @Daffodil18

It's one thing to cheat.
It's another to cheat with your husbands friend
It's yet another thing to then allow your husband to comfort the man you're shagging behind his back AND expect your lovers wife to lie for you.

He told OW he loves her and wants to be with her. She will not leave her husband, so he now threatens suicide if you won’t have him back.

Wow. He can’t exist without a woman propping his life up, can he?

I've tried to put myself in your shoes OP, to think what I'd do.

I'd definitely have the urge to blow up OW's life, I'd probably think of lots of scenarios where she'd be thrown dramatically into the gutter, etc.

But my reality would probably be that, even if my relationship had ended due to the affair (and I would end it, no doubt about that), I wouldn't want her to be suddenly single and thrown together with my ex. I'd find that annoying.

I guess I wouldn't do anything to make these 2 , her and my ex, official. So yeah, I'd just deal with my speedy divorce.

Usually on these threads, my advice is to leave it alone - not always, but usually.

However in these circumstances, I would 100 percent tell him. How DARE your STBXH lean on the friend he has betrayed? HE has put you in the position where you have no choice but to tell. Had he had the dignity to leave them both alone (OW and her DH) then maybe you could hold your tongue, but the fact that he has turned up at YOUR door supported by his 'friend' means you are now complicit if you don't tell.

And you can frankly tell your STBEH and the OW that it is entirely on them that you are sharing as they have dragged 'friend' into this mess and are humiliating him by using him as emotional support for your Ex.

Fuck that. I'd be round there now (and I NEVER say that).

YES. Tell him @Daffodil18 Why should she get off scot-free? Also, he has a right to know of course!

I wouldn't act out of spite or revenge.

You aren't breaking up anything. SHE did that when she shagged another man.

Tell him. Let him choose just as you have chosen. He may want to ignore and forgive or he may throw her out. That is their business.

No way should she escape unscathed from the consequences of her choices to have an affair though.

Op, speaking from experience, please tell him.

The fact you've looked him in the eye and even asked him how he's act if it happened to him, you really need to tell him. When it comes out, doing that and looking him in the eye can look like you're meddling.

Stick to facts, tell him, then detach.

@Daffodil18, I remember your story. Of course this poor man deserves to know the truth … just as you did.

His consent and choices have been stolen, and he’s still in the dark. As you well know, that is a great injustice.

Restore his agency so he can make informed decisions … just as you have.

This is a great plan. Tell them just how much this affecting you. Give them the ultimatum. Which absolutely must include a deadline. This way, you are betraying nobody. You are being open and honest with the couple and ensuring that nothing is kept from the husband. If they do confess themselves, try and catch up with him soon after so you can check the truth has been told.

It’s not your trauma, it’s someone else’s. But currently you are complicit in the lies and betrayal of this man. Put this right asap.

Sorry that came out wrong. I mean you didn’t cause the trauma it was caused by other people. Of course it’s traumatic for you.

Thank you for all of your support I’ve read every message. I think telling him is the right thing as people have only said not to because of him assaulting his DW which I just do not think he would do. I did pluck up the courage to call but he is away for a night with family so it was just not right to tell him. I just said to call me tomorrow. This week I have told ExDH multiple times he needs to tell his friend but he just said he can’t because it would ruin his family. I think if I gave ExDH an ultimatum then he would just threaten suicide so then I wouldn’t be able to tell his friend.

Him threatening suicide is not your problem. If he does, call the police and tell them. If he's serious, he needs professional help that you can't provide and if he's not serious, hopefully having the police attend will make sure he doesn't fucking do it again.

he can’t because it would ruin his family

Boo hoo. That ship has sailed already, thanks to his own actions.

All you can do now is limit the damage to DH's friend. The longer he provides support to your DH as his "best friend" the worse his pain and embarassment will be when he does find out so GOOD FOR YOU for plucking up the courage to ring him.

Be prepared for him to possibly shoot the messenger, by the way - but it's not your fault. You aren't hurting him by telling him, you're preventing him from being hurt worse than he needs to be by his DW and your DH's actions.

(D in this case standing for dickhead rather than dear)

If he keeps threatening suicide, tell him you are seeking emergency medical/police advice as to whether he needs to enter a mental health facility for his own good and that of the people around him. That should either shut him up or get him the help he needs. No doubt he's being fucking manipulative, and turning himself into the victim and you the aggressor for not cooperating in his arse covering. Make sure you are safe from him.

Right, absolutely not.
He is trying to manipulate and control you. If he really would end his own life over this, then he is more unstable than you know and anything could tip him over the edge. He needs serious psychological help and I'd probably report him to the police as a potential risk. If he is flat out lying (which he most likely is), then...I'd actually probably still tell the police and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions and words.

You owe him absolutely nothing. You don't owe him loyalty, you don't owe him respect, you don't owe him anything. He's proven himself to be a manipulative coward by allowing his best friend to comfort him during this time, while also seeking comfort in the vagina of his wife.
He's lost control of the situation and is trying to claim it back. Don't give him the power at all. You have it all and he is nothing.

Absolutely.

Bet they're still shagging.

Tell everyone everything
Hiding benefits no one
Tell your family so they can support you and his fsmily that he is threatening suicide and tell police 999 ambulance . if he says this in a text they can go deal with him .
If he really is suicidal he needs professional help so send them along
Tell the friend husband and wife what you know . Factually.

Just get it straight in your mind that if ex threatens suicide you tell him "i can see you unwell i am going to call 999 for you now". And do it giving name and location.
Did this for ex funnily enough he was "fine" thst time tho had been actually unwell at other times and asessed by psych at a and e . For them to decide not you.

This 💯

Exactly this. I owe the OW nothing, if her DH is violent that’s on him, and she can call the police.

The OW had apparently told my ex-DH that her DH has been violent previously, I did point out to him that he had no idea if it was actually true, because as she (both of them) had such an ability to lie, he had no idea that anything she told him was the truth, rather than what she wanted him to hear. Idiots.

I agree with PP record yourself and bring the topic up. Or say to your ex 'are you going to tell friend?' Use that as your evidence. How horrible for you OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Op, what ever the outcome, telling the man is the right thing to do.