Should I tell OW Husband?

[Daffodil18]

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies.

YABU - I should not break up another family
YANBU - He has a right to know

One million percent tell him, as someone who works with victims of domestic abuse daily I cannot stress enough how closely infidelity and abuse are linked. The gaslighting this man is likely to be going through can destroy someone's mind forever. It is really, really rare that someone's partner is cheating on them and they don't have an inkling, but cheaters never want to be caught and will do anything to get away with it whether that's blaming the person they're cheating on for rows to get put of the house with a good excuse or finding reasons to be away from home. It all adds up and also, this man is currently consenting to a sexual relationship ( probably ) with the understanding that his wife is exclusively intimate with him. She is taking his ability to consent away by risking his sexual health with an affair. It is also highly likely she hasn't cheated on him with just one person. Everyone deserves to know the truth about their life.

You have enough on your plate without having to keep secrets for the people who have betrayed you. Both of you deserve the truth and to do with it how you please.

I’d give the OW an ultimatum to tell him then if she doesn’t, you do it.

Do whatever feels right for you.

I was not told by the OW's husband who I knew and I wish I had been at the time. I found out accidentally a year later. The OW's H did not want it to get out I suspect and I think he thought it would if I knew. He wanted to preserve his marriage and his pride perhaps. She left him in the end anyway.

You owe your husband and the ow no loyalty whatsoever.

The husband needs to be aware of what's going on in his marriage and with his friendships, a double betrayal that should not be covered up.

@Daffodil18, if your Ex or OW tells him, they will put their manipulative spin on the narrative.

You need to do it, but use a method that can’t be intercepted by OW. I would tell him via a phone call, but don’t give Ex a heads-up. If you do, he will very likely sabotage you.

You're doing the right thing. Being cheated on when other people know is humiliating.

Above all op, keep safe.

I hope your husband doesn't become intimidating to make you keep this secret, remember you will actually be safer to tell the ow's husband what you know, people who are desperate to keep their dirty secrets, secret can be un- predictable.

Shed light on this, telling the husband will put you in a safer possition.

I can see where you are coming from. And I always think women need to support each other. But having an affair with another women’s husband it the ultimate betrayal. We need to stick together to smash the patriarchy, not fuck each others lives up by sleeping with someone’s husband. If karma got you, that’s on you and the decision you made. The sisterhood rule doesn’t apply in the case of an affair.

😄

I think karma loves love. Especially when showing compassion is very hard.

I agree that unfortunately you've been put in a horrible situation but the only right thing to do is to tell the other woman's husband. Especially as your husband is being so unbelievably cruel as to use this man as a support system. He will feel even worse when it inevitably comes out if he finds out you knew and didn't tell him. If it was the other way around I'm sure you'd rather know than feel that everyone was taking the piss out of you.

You don't know the state of their marriage, he could already know. What gives you the right to step into somebody else's life and mess it up further than it already is? Don't meddle in other peoples business and you will have less guilt to deal with.

What a nightmare. Your dh is the pits of a human

I’m sure the OP isn’t as fucked up as you, happily. If you hadn’t noticed there is also a husband and possibly children in this family. Not to mention the fact the OP will never move on if she is playing mind games.

Anyway OP I think you can only do what you think is right. Telling the husband is straightforward and honest, but on the other hand will finish his marriage which he may not really want. Lots of people don’t.

If you can I would tell him in the form
of a heavy hint, so if he wants to hear it / clarify what you said he can, and if he wants to ignore it he can.

Generally I would say no when kids are involved. I couldn't be party to breaking up a family, and that's the reality of the situation. But if this is the partner of the woman who is sleeping with your partner then I would, you are already involved. Surely they know if you know then its highly likely you will tell? I'm surprised they trust you to keep it to yourself, or does the OW not know you know? In which case DH is betraying her too by not giving her a heads up.

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you OP.

The fact that the OW saw fit to wedge herself into OP’s marriage?

OP- it’s absolutely fine to be the better/gracious person. But neither of the two stinking bits of skank are owed anything- under the rule of “Do as you would be done by” they’ve done it, in doing which they volunteered to be done by.

Having said that: I am 12 months down the line and have said nothing, so far, outside my very trusted circle.

There are plenty of other people that know/suspect without my input. They can choose to tell.

My ex husband had an affair and I told the OW’s husband and I’m glad I did.

Her address was stored in my ex’s sat nav (he had been in her house, having sex in their bed).
When I found out about the affair, they were coming back from a work trip which saw them both away abroad for almost 2 weeks, the day they were returning home, was her birthday and her husband had told me he had planned a weekend away as a surprise.

A couple of weeks after we split up, I found out people in their work knew about the affair, and I was devastated, I felt as if people were laughing at me behind my back.

I think you would be doing the right thing by telling him.

She wouldn’t be playing mind games, though would she?

When you decide to sleep around there are a very standard set of consequences: your relationship ends; you lose the respect of your children; and people who haven’t slept around feel better about themselves.

What the hell is the OW expecting? She doesn’t get to presume OP complicity in her cheating on her husband. And it is frankly outrageous of you to suggest that OP owes her that. OW risked everything on the golden cock of OP’s husband, fine, but OP doesn’t owe her secrecy, kindness or decency.
OP can act as she sees fit in her own best interests, and any consequences on OW should count as nought to her.

According to that other thread where OP cheated on her husband, don't do anything, cheating is no biggie really, just a tiny mistake, move on.
sarcasm

He has a right to know. I was the last to find out and that was more humiliating than my ex cheating in itself. Imagine telling your "friends" about your future plans while they sit there politely smiling and nodding along knowing that your partner was sleeping with another woman. Imagine going to parties and you're the only dummy there who doesn't know.

I lost my ex but, worse than that, I lost all my friends when I eventually found out because I couldn't forgive the humiliation and infantilisation they decided to subject me to.

Thing is, if you don't tell the husband, you'll always be wondering "should I have / should I now?" It will never be over for you. If you tell him, it will help you move past it in your own mind.

Absolutely tell him.

She would not be party to breaking up a family. The mother made that choice when deciding to have an affair.