AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

So if he’s a friend with benefits you are already having sex with him? Despite no attraction?

This. The OP isn’t even living in poverty so that makes it seem even more unnecessary for her than for someone who was genuinely struggling to provide for her children. Even then, it should not be an option.

Solid friendships can turn into solid relationships. But my worry is that you're flattered by his adoration. Neither his adoration nor your being flattered will last.
Love bombing and future faking can seem like adoration to someone unaccustomed to relationships but they're actually the first signs that a relationship may tip into abuse. I'm not saying he is abusive but it's a little warning flag.
You have to think about your DCs' emotional wellbeing as much as their financial stability.
I think it would be reasonable to tell your friend that if he wants to move country and give this relationship a try, then he can do so. And he can rent somewhere near you. But his move can't be dependent on acceptance of a proposal. The proposal can only come after you see what a RL relationship is like, not a ltr, not one built on adoration and memories and the thrill of long-distance. Then you'll see how he interacts with your DCs and your life, and you'll get a better sense of whether or not this relationship can be anything more.

Apart from the obvious, my concern for you that this has been a prolonged fantasy of sorts in his own mind. So there’s probably quite a degree of expectation from him that may not quite meet reality. I think if you go ahead you should trial living together first and not rush too quickly to marriage.

“Having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.”

So true. There is a huge amount of guff spouted about "twu luv" and 95% is utter bollocks.

I'm not against a transactional relationship (I think lots of happy relationships wouldn't exist without a large but unacknowledged transactional benefit). It doesn't sound like you really need to do it though, or that the benefits would greatly outweigh the costs and risks.

I would also have questions about his life story. How much does he really earn, how much has he amassed if he has been living with his parents. Why has he been living with his parents, and why has he chosen not to marry or have a family? There may be excellent answers to all these things, but it is an unusual situation.

“He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home.”

Yet he is in his mid-40s! This would make me run a mile.

I am getting on a bit now and I often ponder what I would do if my DH were to die. I can well imagine wanting to get together with a male friend or similar for the company and sharing my life with. Not necessarily a grand romance.

I don’t think those are bad reasons. Financial security though IS a bad reason. I think you need to think hard here.

I'd take his lack of experience in relationships and failure to launch as a red flag. It's one thing for families to live in the same house, but it sounds like he hasn't experienced independence, which means you'd probably be replacing his mother. Guys like that have a naive, childish view of love and can be possessive, getting bitter when they aren't getting the idealized version of you that's been stewing in his brain for all this time.You're not being unreasonable for wanting stability, many marriages are between people who work well together but don't have any kind of spark. I think most marriages used to be like that, functional arrangements based on companionship and survival rather than our modern privilege of love matches.Have you ever heard of communes for mothers? It's when women pool their resources to raise their children together as an extended family, stuff like this: https://commune.house/en/home/ Just something to think about. Good luck wherever your heart takes you.

It depends on how great the compromise is I think. Not loving him isn't a problem, as why would you at this point? You've only just started to even consider him in this light. Feelings grow. He clearly has traits that are lovable.
Not having a sexual attraction may not be an issue either. Good sex isn't necessarily about looking at a person and wanting to sleep with them. It can also be about what that person does during sex. You dont find him off putting, so its possible you could enjoy sex with him without thinking he's desirable. Just like many couples do when the desire for their partner has worn off.
Truthfully, if you like and respect him, he's kind, you get on, then you've got the basics for a strong partnership.

No realistic scope to increase the income much more. I am at the top of the income ladder in my profession already. The next rung of the corporate hierarchy is impossible for me from the practical perspective, without having a live-in nanny and substantial domestic help (usually, of course, it is a stay-at-home wife), and I am probably not cut out for it personality wise anyway.

It's even more depressing how many have an overwrought romantic novel approach to life...

Perhaps he is not being honest about the passport situation

Perhaps he's saying nice things to get what he wants.

I just think when things are not built on honesty and trust, they can go so wrong.

If your children are brought up in British culture, it's unlikely they will want to go and live in his (yours) home country. If they go to uni, they could be at home til early twenties.

Up to you of course! No crime in inviting him to live in the UK for a while in a separate flat and dating all the time, seeing how it goes with the kids, and so on, I think people suggesting that are onto something, and it's a mid-stage between nothing and marriage.

He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home.

I think you’re massively underestimating the difficulties you’ll have in taking a man who has very little experience of being independent, let alone a provider, and turning him into a capable husband and father-figure because there’s a ring on your finger.

It’s going to be a massive transition for him. If you feel that you want to get caught up in that, that’s fine, but bringing children into a situation like this is likely to end in disaster.

Please can someone who supports this come tell me what is so bad about being an unmarried and self-supporting woman in their 40s?

It feels like a lot of responses (and the OP) assume you have to be with a man and get the financial security/ pooled recourse etc because she might never meet anyone else at that age, or heaven forbid might end up alone. I genuinely would like to know. I would never marry for money, and although I can fully support myself I'm very far from wealthy.

I wouldn’t be capable of having sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to.

I wouldn't do this, it sounds like you're doing ok. That money will come with strings attached, strings like an unrelated adult getting a say in your and your DCs lives.

You've told him the truth about how you feel, yes? That you feel zero romantic or sexual attraction to him, you merely tolerate sex with him, and the only reason you're considering marrying him is for his money? And he's happy to proceed with a marriage on those terms?

I don't get everyone saying the spark goes, all desire dies, only friendship remains. Really? Most people do fancy their husbands a bit, surely, even if the frequency of sex has died down or even gone.

Also, as someone who has been way more into the other person - it would have shattered my soul to find out that the person that I adore was only with me for my money.

But you would have to have sex with someone you don't fancy? A lot. Surely that way madness lies?

I’m sure she hasn’t told him this. If she had and he was still willing to proceed on that basis then he must either have zero self-esteem or have ulterior motives himself.

If you think it would be good for your kids, then yes I would

He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home.

Maybe a red flag, but maybe not. My OH still "lived with" his parents until we married in our mid 30s and had no other relationship besides me. Despite "living with" his parents for all those adult years, the reality was very different.

OH may not have "lived" on his own or with me, but he'd spent many secondments in the UK and abroad for work where he "lived" out of hotels or short term accommodation provided by his employers. Even when he was at home, it was little more than a base, somewhere to sleep and have breakfast. He was never there during the day, probably spent half the time sleeping somewhere else too!

To an outsider he may have seemed like a "mummy's boy" due to not "leaving home", but the reality was very, very different. He was very worldly wise, used to looking after himself, etc.

I do think people sometimes have a warped idea that everyone "living at home" is some kind of weirdo whose Mum still does his washing, cooking, etc. Often it's nothing like that, it's more a matter of convenience when you're "mobile".

Sorry but this is crap. The OP doesn't need this relationship with someone she doesn't love, she just wants the financial improvement it would gain her.

I get why it's given her pause, but surely it's perfectly obvious that is wrong on many levels, but mostly for her children.