AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

I never said that I am looking for anything more than an equal financial partnership, it is not like I am standing with a calculator in my hand trying to figure out how much I will be able to squueze out of him with no input from my side at all.

No but you're down on money was my point.

He's costing you money, he's not an equal because you're having to take out a financial loan to support him already. The reasons for that (him moving) are irrelevant.

I am weak and I must have just failed at life, I can't do it all, I am doing this feminism thing wrong somewhere.

Nobody has said that.

It's just a staggeringly bizarre set up that carries way too much certain risk to be worth the potential reward.

Jesus, I always thought this was a bad idea, but we're now well past "bad idea" and fully into "utterly barking".

OP, you are desperately clinging to the idea that this man is the answer to your problems. And he just isn't. Everyone can see it but you. He's a whole new additional problem. A big one.

Also OP what happens if you continue down this road and marry this manchild who requires a huge amount of emotional labour / support to 'do' adulting enough to contribute to your living costs... then you meet a nice normal bloke who likes you?

You're closing yourself off to the possibility of a healthy, happy and equal relationship with a nice normal bloke in future.

For heavens sake, you've already said that you don't really fancy him, he can only earn if you or someone else finds work for him and you've taken out a loan to pay for his accommodation.

I really don't see that he is contributing anything at all to the party? As far as I can see you are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return.
Being a single parent isn't easy, but the toughest years don't go on for ever. You could have used loan you've spent on accommodation on an au pair - which would have been a godsend.
Bite the bullet and get on with your life on your own, this person is extremely unlikely to change or to contribute anything at all to your life.

Oh dear OP - you are going down the rabbit hole 😔.

Thank you. We discussed these exact topics, only that now I have a very strong suspicion that from his side this discussion was purely theoretical. I mean, not in the sense that he was not genuine in any way, only that he has no actual idea what it means to plan for retirement or save for a house deposit / get a mortgage, so all his opinions on these topics were... I don't know, naive? unsubstantiated?

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A BANK ACCOUNT IS.

All his answers were total bullshit.

He had to show three months of bank statements as he has no credit history in the UK + pay six months of rent upfront, it turned out that he has almost nothing in his bank account when he was certain he should have around 20 to 30K (but never bothered to actually check, did not even know how).

Mate, considering this person as a boyfriend, let alone a husband, is just absolutely batshit.

Broke when he thought he had 20-30k saved...

I agree OP. It sounds as if he lacks the capacity to engage with any of these subjects, which is quite sad but does explain why he is single and has no money. For him I think it would be a good deal for you to look after him, but for you it would get more and more exhausting as he gets older and his deficits become more and more obvious.

I ditched the aspiration to be a desirable enough partner to attract an eligible suitor because I don’t need the additional hassle. One less thing to worry about. I like to be fit and healthy and look after my skin and hair but because these are good in themselves.
The rest I muddle through, because it could always be better. But think, the time you will spend bringing this man up to speed is time you are not spending on your DC and yourself. The loan you took out is money which could have gone to something else. Of course people in functioning partnerships look after each other and put the time in, but you have got a one-way street here.
Feminism is not about judging yourself harshly or having it all somehow. It is about recognising that women are not on a level playing field and we do get left with difficult situations which most men don’t encounter. It is about being gentle on yourself that you are doing your best. It is about saying no to sex you don’t want. It is certainly not about facilitating a man-child in the hope that the investment of time and money will pay off. It is okay to say no to his proposal and that you want to just stay friends.

OP
You just need to upgrade to a 3 not 4 bed house. Children can share the biggest bedroom and you and au pair can go on single (or small double for you) bedrooms as long as there’s no other compromises with location etc so you don’t disrupt schools and friends, but honestly? I’d even consider moving to a different cheaper area if that’s what it took to get some home help. A young Au pair from your home country will do lots to help and remove the daily childcare “noise” (and hopefully not be averse to some light housework tasks).

What would you rather:
A) You calmer, able to focus on your career knowing kids are safe at home with someone responsible and kind, so by the time you’re back they’re ready for some quality time together

or

B) Maybe (and this is a big maybe right now) having a bit more cash for treats but still stressed/fed up/tired with another adult who now needs a lot of TLC giving you less time to dedicate to your kids, let alone your own need for time and space.
Kids will resent this far more than missing out on “stuff”.

I genuinely think this is your answer.

Stop thinking you have to settle for this man. Keep him as a friend if you want.
Even though he’s not moving in immediately he’s already a lot of hassle for no gain AND you feel obliged to have sex when you don’t even fancy him!
That way madness lies and you’ll end up feeling more and more confused as time passes, with less energy to walk away from it due to the time/effort already invested.

You may not believe it right now but the right man will appear. And if he never does at least you gave yourself that chance.
40 yo is still very very young! Your kids will leave home around your 50th birthday to go on live their lives and then what??
You are stuck in a loveless union with Peter Pan. Resentment and Regret.

Walk away from the idea now: really start challenging your unconscious biases.

You deserve so much more!

I am just back to this and OMG

it is entirely possible to be a single parent with a good job and a good quality of life. Also to meet someone when you are ready.

I picked my husband, but I don’t need him. I had a lovely life fully funded by me for me and my kids before he was even in the picture.

i know of so many people who use men for meal tickets and living costs and it’s really pathetic in my opinion. Don’t be lazy. Make it happen for yourself. It will feel so much sweeter when you achieve your goal alone than some deadbeat shit guy in the picture you don’t even love.

Personally I can see why you're considering it. I think you might benefit from some counseling to explore how you really feel about him without all the judgement of strangers. Also, if you do decide to marry him, I know Christian churches offer pre marriage couples counseling, maybe other religions do too, or there may be something secular available. You've know this man for twenty years, I think you need to talk to him rather than us.

There is a huge flaw in your thinking. It is so hard doing this without outside help, I know, I'm a widow with two kids, it's the hardest thing. But this man isn't 'outside help'. He actually needs help, he needed money from you, a loan, to secure housing. That's extremely worrying if he's burning through money and has none at all when living at home and not owing a house. He's not the 'outside help' you need, he's a liability and another dependent.

And if you are worried you only spend a few hours a week with your kids, why spend the weekend looking at flats, arranging contracts, and doing his tax returns? That's seeping your energy...and if the return was a great helpful man who enhances your life, provides for the family and is a great step-dad, brilliant, but this man really doesn't seem like that...

Honestly, no. Marriage is hard enough when you love someone. Unless he was Really rich and knew this was the lure for you. Just for a second income? No way.

Exactly this

I am not lazy.

I work 70 hours weeks now - genuinely. I manage a team of six in my perm job and I am managing a total budget around 50 times my salary.

I have a STEM doctorate (that it is in a genuine quantitative discipline from a top university, not Ivy League, but Russel Group) and I have an income in the top 5% in the UK and probably 0.1% in the world. I have multiple publications - not all with top impact score, but still, people recognise me at conferences. It is simply just not enough to live on with any semblance of comfort.

What the fuck am I doing wrong that I fail to "achieve my goal by myself". Tell me, honestly! I'd do it in a heartbeat and trust me - I would much rather not be pathetic!

Chidren can't share a room past the age of 10 (if different sexes) according to the UK law, and mine are 1.5 years from that. I had a situation with the school when the children told the school that we have a very small house and mum has to sleep in the front room, the school has raised this to the social services (they thought I am a social tenant) - and I had a very weird call with someone who explained me that there is a scientifically proven benefit of having personal space for every member of the family after they enter puberty and are of different sex. Gee, thanks, never occured to me!

I don't blame the school, they explained they thought it will help me to be moved up the list for a bigger property.

It is not the law. That is crap.

If your income is in the top 5% then I am even more confused as to why you are even considering this?!?!

What really is it that you need or want that you think this partner could give you?

I think you didn't understand what I was getting at.

Don't marry this manchild.

Is that clearer @foolsgolddigger ?

Section 325 of the Housing Act 1985.

But you're not a social tenant.

I have an income in the top 5% in the UK and probably 0.1% in the world. I have multiple publications - not all with top impact score, but still, people recognise me at conferences. It is simply just not enough to live on with any semblance of comfort.

When you read that back does it seem reasonable to you? How do you think the other 95% of us are surviving comfortably on a lower income than you?

I hope this isn't just another of those threads where the OP allegedly earns six figures but is "struggling financially because honestly that is not enough in London".