AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Not in a million years.
Dreadful idea. You get one life, and so does he.
What if you meet someone you truly want to be with? Or even shag? Jesus, what would that to to your arrangement? and your childrens lives.
And what if he decides he wants more and resents you and your children as a result of this.
This is a handbook for how to fuck up your children in one fell swoop.
The risks far outweigh the beneifits.

Interesting dilema OP. Like some of the others I can’t quite get a sense of how you feel about him. Romantic attraction and love are often built on a foundation of friendship so it’s not the worst idea. The reality of it is that this could go either way. You may find your feelings grow as you live with him and see him interacting with your children or you may hate him if he expects you to look after the household while doing sweet FA himself.

I’d be tempted to accept the proposal but with the view that marriage would not be discussed until a decent trial period of living together had happened.

My OH still "lived with" his parents until we married in our mid 30s

A decade makes a big difference. Your DH married at the same age as most guys. It's not comparable with a guy who's stayed home till his 40s and not come anywhere close doing what your DH has done. He's kept a candle for OP and thinks it's finally paying off. They're both playing out a fantasy. And you're not like OP either unless you had DC that he took on when you got together.

I'm just not sure how you can make each other happy when one half of the relationship isn't going to be loved. Seems a little unfair when feelings that intimate are not going to be reciprocated.

All of this.

The posters answering that it's fine, it's transactional & a practical rather than a romantic solution are underestimating the significance of living your life completely with someone you don't love, aren't attracted to & are not invested in in a romantic sense. Of course that's not a successful marriage needs! But without those fundamentals there is no basis for the marriage to develop.

Instead there will resentfulness & bitterness on both sides which will corrode the marriage. You are already managing on a tight income. Believe me, navigating a divorce in that situation, with children involved, will be far worse.
(I'm a single parent with similar financial challenges - so I do get it)

He does live his life a bit as a teenager, that's true. Until recently, mum used to do all the chores, now it is mum supervising a domestic helper. Spends quite frivolously (travel, eating out, gadgets, experiences), also no substantial savings or assets. Think Howard Wolowitz from the big bang theory. This does concern me to some extent, and is the main reason why I insisted there's a layer of him living by himself in the UK before moving out and moving in with me. But then, most men from my culture would be more or less helpless with domestic stuff, and I am not quite open to Western guys, having been already burned once.

How, exactly, would it be good for her kids?

An unhappy trapped mother will not make her kids happy.

Living with a man who has never had a relationship or lived out of the home, in his 40s, will not make her kids happy.

Sure, day to day finances may improve - only to be radically affected when the marriage ends. And it will.

I think you really like him and value him. He sounds like a decent person. You are intimate and it doesn’t offend you.

I’d probably seriously consider it. As PP have said, passion fades and if you’re lucky you’re left with friendship, respect and companionship. There are worse ways to live.

He does live his life a bit as a teenager, that's true. Until recently, mum used to do all the chores, now it is mum supervising a domestic helper. Spends quite frivolously (travel, eating out, gadgets, experiences), also no substantial savings or assets.

Christ, it gets worse. This is no issue for an occasional FWB who gives you a buzz because he thinks you're a dream, but anything more than that, no way. Just because you've been burned once by a different kind of guy, doesn't mean you have to settle for someone you not only don't fancy or love, but who has all these major major drawbacks. He is not husband or life partner material. I don't know why you'd even consider it. People don't change/get better, esp not men like that at that stage of his life. You must know this.

I think it can work, and it may actually be a good foundation for a marriage, but maybe date first before marrying and living together, and consider accepting hand in marriage after that.

THE MOST important thing will be how he will treat your kids. It is nice that he adores you and it is important, but how well his parenting style (as step parent he will still have input) and overall demeanour fits with your kids should be no 1 thing you consider. Absolutely do not settle for anything in this area no matter the financial benefits.

@foolsgolddigger

Your latest update terrifies me.

You do realise that he will be shocked & unlikely to care about the cost of running a home & raising DC.

I know you say you don't want him to contribute directly to your DC. But you assume wider living costs will be shared. However, he will most likely not understand the level of expenses you have & will expect you up have more disposable income.

I am really hoping this is just a thought experiment, rather than a serious line of thinking.

And Jesus - stop having sex with him if you feel zero attraction. That's awful. (For you both).

So when would you actually get married? Would it be years down the line once he’s lived alone and then with you? So you’ve got some wiggle room really.

No substantial savings or assets?! I thought that was the whole point!

Honestly I thought this was bad enough when you said you wanted to marry him for financial security, turns out he isn't even bringing that!

He's essentially a man child and you want to enforce him on your kids as a step dad? And it's not even as if you really want to make him part of your life.

This is pretty awful.

I'm going to ask again, how would MN view a man who married someone just to have her around to take care of half the bills and look after the house and kids a bit?

Pretty differently I think.

OP- I haven't read the whole post.

I'll share my mum's story. She was a single mum with 2 kids under the age of 7. My biological father left and found another woman, wasn't involved in our lives at all, at the same time would verbally abuse my mum if they bumped into each other in the street and so on.

A friend of hers introduced her to a guy who was recently divorced. My mum didn't like him, didn't find him attractive at all (she said she could even kiss him or call him by his name) but accepted to date him and accepted his proposal for security reasons (this way she could keep our biological father away - he stopped the abuse once he moved in with us).

He became My Dad. I only met my biological father 3 or 4 times in my life and he died when I was 10. My step dad was wonderful in so many ways and he treated me and my sister as his own children. My mum grew to love him, although they had a very rocky relationship over the years.

Long story but they lived together for over 35 years add he sadly died 6 years ago. But I still miss him and he'll forever be my dad.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

30 years on since I met my husband, IMO a good solid friendship is more important in a long relationship than being "in love". Being in love is lovely, and I feel lucky that I married someone I felt that way about, but ultimately being good friends facing life together is what makes a relationship last. I can think of worse things to do than to marry a good friend.

I really appreciate him as a friend. He is kind, thoughful, considerate, always there to provide emotional support (and I hope I am the same to him, at least trying my best).
He is an interesting conversation partner, and we could spend hours discussing abstract topics.
We have similar tastes in books, music and movies, but still different enough to surprise each other from time to time.
We get along very well when sharing the territory (although the most we have spent together was 3 weeks in a row). But yes, 100% of "domestic" duties are on me (but they are usually 100% on me anyway).
We have similar activity levels, and work in similar industries.
We have a lot of friends in common from our younger days.

I don't sexually fancy him or have romantic feelings towards him.

@Outlandish123

I'm glad you had a father figure who you loved.

However this line speaks volumes

although they had a very rocky relationship over the years

I'd wonder how that felt for your mum.

I also wonder what your SD's expectations were going into the marriage. Perhaps similar to your mum's. Which isn't the case for OP

You can face palm me all you like, but heart and flowers and wanting to rip each other’s clothes off isn’t the only route to a successful marriage.

100% of "domestic" duties are on me (but they are usually 100% on me anyway).

This is terrible. Course they're 100% on you for your kids while they're young. Doesn't mean you need to be the mother/domestic help for a grown man by choice. His dream woman fantasy is getting even more fucked up by the minute and it's so grim that you'd go along with - putting out in bed and doing all his domestic toil, and for what? He's not even good with money! Ugh, just no.

I don't sexually fancy him or have romantic feelings towards him.

It can't and won't work.

You seem to believe that because he's adored you from childhood, it makes a difference. You are disparaging about yourself - bit of course you are attractive & could meet someone you fancy and who fancies you.

Please set the bar higher & stop having sex with him!

I think after a year or so - a year where he lives close by but separately, and we see each other very frequenly and shorten the distance very gradually.

Your latest updates make him sound somewhat less appealing, OP!

Can you 100% trust him with your DC?

My mum did something similar, although she hadn't known him long .

He abused me and made my teenage years hell.