AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

I could never have a transactional relationship. Even in the past as a young woman, wealthy men, a well connected celebrity, someone who offered a lot on paper, pursued me I couldn't unless I had a real attraction. Due to lack of real attraction I would call it a day. I am a sucker for "that feeling" where the love feels like "the truth". Doesn't always work though and I've dated some real weirdos and arseholes 😂
You're dating and are intimate and you still don't feel that special feeling??

I'm afraid it's going to end up feeling transactional. If you're okay with that then go along and do it. You won't be the first or last.

Apologies if I am making an assumption, but would your culture be more accepting of an arranged marriage then traditional western culture generally is?

If so, then I guess it makes it more reasonable to go ahead with marriage, with the understanding that it is the sort of arrangement where love plays less of a factor?

Yuk, that is gross

No, he has no siblings.

It is somewhat expected that children care for their parents, but not wives of sons (if anything, the pressure is usually on daughters, and sons are "golden boys"). The usual solution is paid help though.

It is only his mum who is still alive, and she already has a domestic helper (so he is not doing it himself). I think he will fly back to see her frequently, but this is a good thing in my opinion.

It's basically prostituting yourself, having sex with someone so you can be financially secure. It's (and I never say this) grim.

I would go for it. Marriage isn't just about sex and romance, it's about companionship, shared interests and supporting one another. The sex and romance slide for many and it sounds as though you have a good basis.

do u really want to spend every day of the rest of your life with someone you aren't actually into?

So a marriage of convenience. OK. That's fine but it only works of its convenient for both parties and things are clear from the beginning.

I think what you need is an honest conversation with this man about exactly how he envisions your future together. I wouldn't accept a proposal out of the blue, and especially not if he hasn't been spending much time with your children. You both need to discuss the realities of what life will look like going forwards, and that will include finances, to see if what you both want to create together would work.

Makes me think of those posts on here where people say 'I knew before I married him it wasn't right' and you're screaming 'why did you do it then??'. And of course it's always gone to shit and now they're trapped and it's so much harder to get out of without causing damage. Don't do it. Especially as it means him uprooting his whole life on the basis of this fantasy you're feeding for him. Would he really leave his home and life over there and take this risk if he knew the truth? I think it's cruel to him, wrong for the kids and grim for you.

Also would he be OK contributing to the children's costs... some men aren't! And he might have a picture in his head of you 2 together and kids being there but ultimately he doesn't see himself as a step father or wanting to help in this aspect. You need to be very clear in what you both want and expect!

There is no culture of arranged marriages (like in some South East Asian cultures, for example), but it is a much more traditional society, yes. For example, when a girl starts dating someone, her family will discuss quite openly the guy's financial prospects and what he could bring, and will expect a proposal within a year or so (otherwise he's considered to be a player and there will be a lot of pressure on her to drop him).

Co-habitation before marriage is relatively common, but, again, is likely to be a very short-term feature.

Why are you having sex with him just now if you don't find him attractive? It feels as though your OP is missing information. Are you dating/ in a romantic relationship where there are no sexual fireworks but everything else (conversation, romance, affection, values, interests) makes up for it?
Or are you 'lying back and thinking of England' in the hope of snaring his financial stability?
I can't get a sense of where your expectations and emotions are. As for him 'adoring' you. Every man I know who has started a relationship with such bold proclamations has ended up being bitterly disappointed when they realise they are with a real live woman with faults, needs, thoughts, wants. The only way you can go from a pedestal is down. It's a very unhealthy dynamic.
With the references to culture, is your culture one that has arranged marriages? That might explain your detachment from the questions of emotion, love, sex, etc. as they're not automatically prioritised although often grow with time.

I am "into" him as a friend. I mean, we kept in touch through all this years, and from my side it was because I genuinely enjoyed his company as a person.
Spending every day with him for the rest of my life won't be a disaster.

Do your children like him? Can he live in the UK if you don’t marry him? Will he expect you to have sex with him? I think this would be a rubbish thing to do, but it’s your life.

Also what happens when your kids leave home and you don’t need his money anymore? Do you throw him back?

If I were in your shoes I would rather move into a smaller flat (even a studio) to take some of the desperate weight off the finances and to conserve enough money for my pension before I would marry this man. Its not that I am opposed to arranged marriages but yours is not the culture for that and neither of you is prepared for that kind of relationship. The disappointment and disgust you both will feel will be deep and devastating when his illusions are shattered.

I would go with a no. This isn't a scenario in which you have met only a couple of times and are going into an arranged marriage. On the contrary, you are having a relationship with him already, although you seem in a bit of denial about that. So, the question is do you want this relationship you have currently every two months, to be daily? I don't know why you are having sex with a man you don't fancy at all. It's just awful. My answer would be no, and I would end the relationship as I prefer to be (and am currently) single and running my own household on one wage than live with a man I'm not into.

In fact, I wouldn't even live with a man I was into!

I don't get this type of compromise at all, because it's not like you can't have kids without him, it's all about a pension? More money in the household?

It's not a driver for me, but I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with it, I mean you are having sex with him anyway even though you don't fancy him or love him so it's all a bit odd in the first place.

@foolsgolddigger fair enough if you can cope. I would hate to live with even my best friend day in, day out though. Its such an intimate way to be if you don't have those romantic connections.

If I am honest with myself, I am probably hooked by the very unusual situation that for someone I am their dream woman. It has never, ever happened to me in my life before, even with the father of my children.

Conversation, values and interests are genuinely amazing, but at the "old and trusted" friend level, not "prince charming" level.

Not from an arranged marriage culture, no.

Have you had any discussions about finances at all and how these would be split? If it has always just been him, he's lived at home and your kids have a dad who should be contributing a lot more than he is then you might find him being unexpectedly fastidious and ungenerous with his money. I know you'd only be wanting him to pay his share, not yours or your childrens, but does he know what that would look like?

I actually don't think it is a terrible idea in principle to settle down with a trusted friend but I feel that things have the potential to ping off in unexpected directions. For instance, perhaps he is very set in his ways and finds children hard to cope with. Perhaps he could develop interest elsewhere if there is no real chemistry and he suddenly has more freedom and sexual experience after living at home so long.

I dunno. I know marriages aren't always about a fairy tale or wild chemistry and I disagree with posters using language such as "prostitute" but I'm not sure this feels like solid ground to me. You haven't actually spent much time together and don't know how he is to live with. Is 6-12 months of him renting nearby really enough to know what he's like and what his expectations are?

Re the sex, are you having to push yourself to do it or is it just not the best you've ever had? I'm not sure this will get better.

There's dozens of people I've kept in touch with for many years - I couldn't marry any of them. And not being a disaster is a very low bar. It sounds like you're going to do this, but frankly I think you're foolish to do so, as you maybe know going by your username. It's hard to live with someone day in, day out. Even in a loving marriage, there are times when you hate each other. That will be insurmountable without the bedrock of real affection. You're lying to him and to yourself if you go through with it and it's not going to be good for the kids at all. He doesn't sound like a good bet with his immature relationship background and unrealistic idolising of you. It's mad that it's got this far.

You're going in eyes wide open. My only concern is that he isn't. You may grow to love him. He loves you now.

I'd think about a) protecting any assets you do own (prenup), b) children and how they feel (first, obvs!), c) whether he might want children of his own with you and if that is a deal breaker for both of you.

Otherwise, honestly. Romantic love is fabulous. If you have a firm friendship and similar values, I really don't see this as being very different than an arranged marriage.

You're absolutely right that pooling expenses with another adult is an excellent way to have more money, and if you have no prospect of increasing your wealth independently, perhaps your best option. Ideally you would do this with a person who ticked all your relationship boxes as well but that's not possible for everyone.
I think its important to be realistic about your prospects before you 'settle'.
You may be right you won't get a more suitable opportunity, but equally you may have a skewed perspective based on the fact you've not had opportunities to meet men, or been proactive in looking for a partner.
These arrangements can be better than nothing, but once you commit to them you're closing the door on other possibilities. Which is all well and good if no other possibilities present themselves. The problems will start of you accidentally encounter Mr Righter at a later date.

It would be a massive and life-changing leap for him to go from living with his parents to taking on two children at his age