AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Because an income in the top 5% when it comes from a single paycheck and an associated tax is just about enough to get by. My net is about the same as in a family with two parents on minimum wage, but I obviously don't get childcare grants, child benefit or housing subsidy.

Ok so same. But I don’t earn anywhere near the top 5%. I owned my own house and paid my own mortgage ( in the south east so not a cheap area) didn’t get any child benefit or tax credits or anything. I still had money to go out and take the kids on holiday and for their hobbies etc.

I had more than enough to ‘just about her by’

what am I missing here?!

what type of lifestyle are you imagining you want? I’m truly baffled by all this!

I shared my income and expenses earlier on the thread, no one had any ideas apart "move to a studio with your two children". How do the others survive? My friend gets 85% of her childcare bill paid, and her rent is 700 instead of 2.3K due to the housing benefit (similar properties), so I guess like that?

Section 325 of the Housing Act 1985.

This is a law for social housing. The rules on this are explained below.

policymogul.com/library-material/272/does-the-law-set-an-age-at-which-children-can-t-share-a-bedroom-

There is no age at which it’s unlawful for siblings to share a bedroom, including siblings of opposite sexes.
Age and room sharing is taken into account in assessing whether a household is statutorily overcrowded. The statutory overcrowding standard hasn’t been updated since 1935 and isn’t generous. Very few households are statutorily overcrowded.
Section 325 of the Housing Act 1985 (the ‘room standard’) provides a household may be statutorily overcrowded where children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 have to share a room.
When applying the room standard a local authority looks at how sleeping arrangements within the dwelling could be organised, rather than how they are organised. Children under 10 are disregarded. All rooms are taken into account if large enough to accommodate a bed, eg living rooms and kitchens. So, a household in a two-bed property with a large living room and a boy of 11 and girl of 12 may not be statutorily overcrowded as one child could sleep in the living room.

It's irrelevant what your friend gets though if your immigration status does not allow you to claim public funds.

My rent is 2.3K (it is the cheapest available here, and for an ex-council property. I need to be in central London for work 3 days a week, commute can't be more than 1 hour due to the drop-off pick up times. Childcare is 1.1K (wraparound for school, cheapest childminder). My net is 4.5K, I was quite open about it. Council tax, utilities, other bills, commute, food fully swallow the remaining 1.1K, there's no room for a holiday. No, no one is starving and the kids have clean uniforms and a warm house. I don't have a pension at nearly 40.

Does this sound too luxurious to you?

Yes, but the question was how other single parents survive, and I guess that they survive because they get help (which they totally should).

Nope. I am a single parent, I earn less than you, and the only benefit I get is child benefit of £20 a week which I assure you makes very little difference.

If you are telling yourself that the only way other working single parents can possibly be living comfortably is that they are being substantially supported by benefits, you are wrong. I am actually a bit tired of people thinking that - I would be less bitter about it if I were getting more than £20 a week ).

Ok so the rent is the issue here and whilst I appreciate you need to be in central London , do you really need to be where you are?? You could live where I do and still be in central London in an hour! I’ve never rented but you could have a 3/4 bed for around £1700 a month. The schools are great and most have breakfast / after school wrap around. Many of my friends commute. ( my husband does too)

There are defo changes you can make to improve your life yourself and things like childcare costs will decline as the kids get older. That’s a short term pain!

I still think it would be mental to marry someone just for money especially when actually he doesn’t have any now!! Do you have friends? I don’t mean to be rude but maybe you’re lonely too? Stuck in the slog of survival? Maybe it’s a lifestyle overhaul you need rather than a man?

OP do the sums.
Google Au Pair wages. 30 hours work even on a higher weekly rate is £400/month. Tops.
Leaving you an additional £700/month to rent a house with another bedroom for her.
You’d be no worse off financially than now since you said you paid £1.1k/month on childcare but you would gain:
Headspace
Time
Live in Help
Calm
Kids would benefit too as they’re not tiny anymore.

There ARE other solutions but I don’t think you’re seriously willing to look at them atm as you’re set on this unfortunate idea.
But it’s your life.

I think you came here because you’ve got a tug of war between your head and your heart. And looking for validation of your thought process/Head.

Only remaining piece of advice I have is if in doubt Always Follow your Heart (as naive, and cliche as it sounds).

Whatever you end up deciding try not to rush into anything before the six months are up.

And you live in London paying private rent, and childcare for two children - let's take both of these at the lowest rate today, and have money for holidays and going out? It is a mathematical impossibility, sorry.

Id be cautious here and not marry but just live together and share expenses. Have a cohab agreement drawn up.

On the face of it, you seem to be in better financial health although not great as you only rent not own. At least you have an income here. Would he be able to get a job here on the same income etc ?

How do you know he won't just want to work a few months and then live the rest of the year spending excessively like he's used to? Have you actually sat down and said my rent is this much you'll have to pay half, my bills are this much and you'll have to pay half? It doesn't seem like he is a proper grown up, and it all seems like a massive ball ache when all you seem to want is an easier life.

Ah I'm not renting - I suppose that is the problem. Would you not be better moving to another city and buying? I'd rather do that than marry a non-functioning man for uncertain financial benefit.

Are you sure £400 / week is a realistic number? I looked at a couple of agencies websites, they seem to suggest from £200 / week. For example this. Some suggest lower weekly rate, but then you should pay for language courses, travelcard etc which all comes to roughly same amount.

If it is indeed £400/month then it is a realistic option, but how does an au-pair then live on £100/month?

This was my source
https://www.aupair.com/en/p-england-uk-pocket-money.php
£100/week is pocket money since all their accommodation/meals are included

A lot of Au Pairs come from middle class backgrounds so their parents are willing to pay for their tuition.
I think you need to look into it further before dismissing it as impossible.

As I said before you need more home help and not Peter Pan to add to your already complicated life.
Also don’t dismiss the idea of moving to a cheaper area.
Personally I think over the next six months you WILL get fed up with the man child and find better solutions because you’re very bright, and motivated.

A final one on your salary: in London £81k is a good but not outstanding salary for someone with your CV. I would also look for other possible jobs and career progression which right now sounds exhausting due to your childcare arrangements. But once you get that working better you would be able to progress and increase your gross easily to £100/£120k p.a. More senior jobs are not always that much more stressful, they’re just more strategic but they do remove a lot of the “noise” of middle management as you delegate a lot more.

Please use the coming months not just to suss out this man child but also to really deeply look into ALL other options.

Well you’re already having sex with him so don’t find him that repulsive. I did something similar and settled down with someone I adored as a friend, but was never sexually attracted to. It didn’t work out, 2 wonderful children and we are back where we started, as friends. He’s moved on now, and I hope the woman does find him sexually attracted and they are happy as I genuinely wish him well. I wouldn’t ever get myself in that situation again.

I guess you need to consider though the improvement in your life, I get it. I earn 3.5k net and I live in the south east, so whilst it’s a good salary, when you’re on your own it doesn’t go that far. I’m 30 mins direct train into Victoria (just over the South London border into Surrey), 2 train lines within 5 mins walk. I was dating someone earlier this year and did start to daydream what 2 incomes would be like (he earns exact same as me). In your position I’d strongly consider it, but given my knowledge of how that worked out for me, I’d advise you not to. Does this guy know you’re not attracted to him etc? My ex knew I didn’t want to date him at first and he then tried to get revenge on me and hurt me during the relationship. Something he regrets. But we all do stupid things. Doesn’t he deserve someone who genuinely loves and fancies him?

I hear your desperation OP about money, I really do. I am also a lone parent/widow and one of the worst things is having no-one else bringing a wage into the household and the stress of being the only earner, I totally get that. The rent is very high and I do wonder if you could move, but again get that logistically it may be more hassle when you have childcare in place.

I think the idea of getting an au pair is a very good one. I also think the above poster is right, you will get fed up with this man who needs so much support as it will exhaust you on top of what you already do and he does sound like he is financially irresponsible (no satisfactory answer has ever been given to why, if he earns a great day rate, he hasn't used this to build capital and assets back home, it so doesn't add up financially, I would think it impossible he has 0 money unless he has spent it on unwise things as he had almost no outgoings for years). If he worked so little and was so unwise he doesn't know where 30k is then he is not a good bet for a pension or financial stability in later life, and most people, if they have a good job save money and secure their own futures, not borrow money off their friends (as he has now done with you).

I do feel your desperation though, and think there are some solutions that will appear- you can still be a great friend to him (I would stop sleeping with him but that's up to you) and encourage him in the UK but ultimately don't fix your fortunes to someone who doesn't actually have your level of responsibility and financial acumen.

I can't beleive nobody cares, that she is taking advantage of this poor bloke, obviously he is in love with her, that why he came to UK, and its clear he gots difficult issues, she has no feelings for him what's so ever, just trying to get some future financial gain, from him from him for children, it looks karma is starting to take effect, as she had to take a loan out for him, how ever bad her situation turns out it is on her and greed, my sister was a single parent and had to manage on her own for a long time, she and lot of women wouldn't dream of taking advantage of another man. Woman would hate it, if a man was taking advantage of a woman in this way specifically if she had special needs, so why are most of you OK for her to be doing this to another man.

O, read the full thread. Plenty of people disapprove but many weeks ago it became clear we were wasting our time saying so: the OP is disconcertingly set on this path.

agree .

The fact that you were scorched emotionally and left to raise your children alone and scorched financially by your former partner will make great sense to those of us who have been there. It numbs you enormously because all of your drive has to go into your children and earning your money to raise them and care for them. Your old/new lover sounds like he could be a very good thing once you are able to get around the numbing forcefield that you have, by necessity, surrounded yourself with. The ongoing sense of betrayal and being left to cope on your own and tricked out of financial support for your children is a terrible, terrible thing. Nobody can blame you for being tempted by this lovely man who has come to save you all, but tread carefully and play fair - you all have a lot to lose as well as a lot to gain. The best of luck in all of this - and I speak as one who has married someone from back in my my twenties who jumped back into my life over lockdown and persuaded me to open back up to the possibilities of being involved again.

OP - you are arguing that you have reached a salary ceiling in your profession, rents are going up, and you are out of further options.

You nearly had me convinced! But I just can't believe, now, that this one person is your best option and beats the entire London labour market.

It sounds as if he has extreme executive dysfunction and is neurodivergent, which of course does not mean he is not very smart. However, you have said yourself you are struggling with this aspect of who he is. If he becomes normally-resident in the UK, he might qualify for Access to Work support which could cover some support costs. So you don't have to be his carer and PA, even if you were to stay in the relationship.

Some posters have suggested an au pair. Could you share a room with your daughter to free up a room for an au pair?

You sound so interesting and resourceful! But you also sound burned out, and there's perhaps a failure of imagination which is harming you.

You're presenting as having a wry persona and an unusual ability to look the hard facts in the face. This may be your perceptual failure, though - that you feel convinced that you have evaluated the state of affairs entirely accurately; and that your rationalism is your special talent. It becomes a vulnerability if it means you lack access to the surge of optimism you need to make positive changes.

Have you been in touch with a recruitment consultant? Surely the time and work you are putting into this relationship would pay off if put into a job search, or relocating?

Your work cannot be so niche that there aren't better-paid opportunities in London, or opportunities in northern cities.

You are only in your 30s. You have so much to look forward to! I wish you all the very best.