AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

This is exactly what most of us suggested would happen. You'd add a third child to your list of dependents.

And you still seem sort of ok with it.

🤷🏻‍♀️

More fool you then. You're signing up for an adult child who never learns if you marry this.

Temporary loss of confidence my arse!

He has no concept of a bank card...

No, he doesn't have any money (as in existing assets or savings). Only a good earning potential.

The cousin was acting as a PA for him effectively, was taking also a cut for herself - which is fair enough as that's effectively work, but he didn't know about it, thought she's just helping out with "boring" things on a familial basis. I mean, both things make me a bit uneasy - that he did not understand that she's effectively spending quite a lot of time on this "boring" stuff and it is actual work that should have been paid, or that she just decided to pay herself from his income (and it was quite a generous chunk, way above a going PA rate).

This was actually our first - well, not a fight, but a serious discussion . He had to show three months of bank statements as he has no credit history in the UK + pay six months of rent upfront, it turned out that he has almost nothing in his bank account when he was certain he should have around 20 to 30K (but never bothered to actually check, did not even know how). That's how the story got uncovered.

He knows what a bank card is. He didn't know there's a current account behind it where you can check your balance, get statements etc.

I am trying to understand whether I am ok with it or not, or if it is salvageable with effort.
In many other aspects he's a fantastic person, who I actually value and care about very much.

He sounds like he has some kind of learning difficulties.

I can't believe he can't even do basic things for himself.

I really would not be able to be in a relationship with him.

No, definitely not learning difficulties. More like, I don't know, a super extreme case of learned helplessness?

And this man child has a fantastic job with high earnings. How, exactly?

I know extremely intellectual people can sometimes be labelled or considered 'absent-minded professors' - I know an old guy who academically on paper is almost unbeatable (he is a real-life Professor of his field), but he struggles with everyday common sense and couldn't tell you a thing about anything that doesn't interest him, and he likely wouldn't even know what a fuse is, let alone how to change one. He has no time for material possessions and spends very little, but even he knows how a bank account works and doesn't need his wife to make a GP appointment for him!

Too much of what you've said about this man doesn't sound right to me. Keep him as a friend and look elsewhere for your prince charming - otherwise, I fear you are going to spend the rest of your life looking after another child, when your other two have long flown the nest.

Not a permanent job, but rather highly-paid contracting / consulting gigs here and there, for specific niche tasks (for example, where a new proprietary numerical algorithm has to be developed in his area). He's a part-time adjunct professor in the local university as well, but that job pays next to nothing (like $50/month) - I understand it is mainly to keep up with the academic circles and for free subscriptions.

I don't think he'll be able to survive in a corporate world tbh, with a "normal" job.

Behaviour like this would drive me mad. It's like those people who play the "absent-minded professor" when they really just want others to do everything for them. I don't see how you'd have time to work if you were having to organise his life, his work and his money. Perhaps not even time to have a life of your own at all.
I can't imagine that this is a temporary blip, he's been mollycoddled all his life and he isn't going to want to stop now. Ideally he'll find a woman who is happy to look after him full-time, not work and not have a life of her own. I just hope that he isn't going to prove to resent the time you spend with your children.

Part time professor who can't do any basic life tasks? Just say lazy cheeky fucker and be done with it!

How can he be well-paid in this top job til his forties, live with his Mum, have no real outgoings and then not have even 10p in his bank account? Even with part-time work.

Op you don't want to face the truth. He doesn't have a fancy job. He's a part-time adjunct with no money, no house, no assets. He's not the golden goose, unfortunately.

If you still like him, ok, but I think you are falling for a sunk costs fallacy because you can't actually face the real him, which is incompetent and poor, and not a great catch, but you want to believe if you squint hard enough that he's a good enough bet to marry.

But I explained already, he does not have a top or a "fancy" job in the usual sense - as a manager or something. He's doing contracting for ~£1.5-£2K/day rates for a few months, then takes a few months or a year off, until runs out of money. This is definitely real, I did his taxes for the last two years, I could see all his invoices (at least for this period). Just spends it all very frivolously.

Look you seem really desperate to forgive this guy anything at all, despite the fact you have no romantic feelings for him.

None of us can convince you otherwise.

Absolutely dreadful example to set your kids, but crack on. I genuinely hope it works out better than all of the screaming red flags would suggest.

This, I'm afraid.

I have no idea why you're entertaining this idea OP.

It would be mad if you didn't have kids but considering you do it seems even more bizarre and irresponsible to be bringing an adult into their orbit when doing so will so clearly not be modelling a healthy relationship to your children.

I mean you know it’s a no OP. He would add to your workload not share it. He’s bordering on special needs.

I wonder if that’s why his family have supported him for so long. But it makes no odds.

At the start of this I was like ‘why not, might be mutually beneficial , you might even grow to love’

now I’ve read the whole thread I’m like Jesus Christ NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

+1

Taking away the emotion. And the fact he is a person, with feelings.

If you look on him as an investment vehicle, to earn cash flow of say net £2k per month, then I'm sure there are easier ways and better investments for the same amount of time spent.

The number of hours you will need to spend to get that £2k... And that you will have to have someone living with you (and your kids) who will take up space, and share your bed. And take time away from sharing with them.

If you have the spare time to be his PA, sales manager, and parent, then you have time for a second job that would maybe pay the same amount.

And I so wanted this to be a fairytale ending.

You speak of this man as if he is a total idiot. I just don't buy it. Why would you want to marry him for financial security yet you speak of him as a fool who knows nothing about money? Bit somehow he earns well and did well academically? How, when what you've said screams 'learning difficulties?'. It sounds as if you're taking advantage of him I mean, marry him for money if you want to since the money is solely what's drawing you. You'll have to put some effort in which it seems you dont want to do, but everything cones at a price. Thats life. Why be here just musing aloud and inciting scorn of him? Learned uselessness- think about whether that's him. Or you.

Do you want another child?

My fear would be he would marry you and then decide working wasn't for him anymore, especially as he already takes long stints off until he runs out of money, and will try mooch off you! It defo does not seem like a good idea. At this rate you would be better off pretending to fall in love with a filthy rich 80 year old man and convincing him to marry you before he kicks the bucket 😂

Honestly OP he sounds autistic. I know people on here are saying he's immature etc etc but autistic (and other neurodiverse people, those with ADHD for example) and be very at hyperfocusing on a certain task. Look up 'spiky profile'.

All of this is irrelevant. Whether he has a reason or not the fact remains he needs a lot of scaffolding and you don't want to become his carer. Far from easing your burdens it would add to your woes. You couldn't pay me enough to do this!

But it OK for her to mooch of him, I hope she does marry him, and he quits working, there to many Gold Diggers about, she should be a shamed of herself. Pay for your own kids.