AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

It's the basis for what's considered rape in this culture, don't minimise it by calling it marriage.
Just because somewhere is acceptable to make a woman fuck a man she didn't choose at the threat of severe repercussions you cannon even comprehend, it's not legal here nor is it a marriage, it an assault and abuse.
Romantic love doesn't follow abuse by a stranger your parents picked. Acceptance, may be.

Let's flip this. If the OP was saying she wanted to marry someone who she loved but believe the guy only wanted to marry her to secure his and his children's financial future, the majority would be telling her to run for the hills.

She is in it for the money. Basically a socially acceptable form of prostitution.

OP, it’s only very recently that sexual attraction or romantic love has become seen as the main basis for marriage. It’s quite a shaky foundation.

Up till the last century (and still now, in many parts of the world) a mother with children to support would be considered irresponsible if she didn’t take a prospective husband’s income into account.

You like this man, and presumably he’s not sexually repulsive to you. I’d advise you not to marry or move in together at once, but ask him to come over here so you can both see how you go living near each other and spending a lot more time together. Then marry, if you and he and the children are all getting on well.

Best of luck, OP. You probably have more chance of a happy marriage than besotted lovers with stars in their eyes.

Op
Looks like you want to marry this guy and you think it's a good decision
Good luck

If it’s only about the money making things more comfortable for then, then my answer is no. Simply because if for some reason that disappears, and he is at home 24/7, how will you cope?

if it’s for long term companionship then I would consider it after living full time as a family unit. He may not treat your children right or to your way of how things should be done, and then there is immediate friction over that… and the friendship is lost.

instead put you energy into researching ‘capacity to earn’ as far as child support goes and submit an appeal based on that. I know of a parent in Australia this happened to and CS ruled in the applicants favour giving her more cs income.

then you will still have your friend to celebrate with!

I married the father of my children even though I was no longer in love with him! I needed the financial security more!

If he becomes, ill and or broke, for whatever reason, would you want to care for him.
If the answer is yes, marry him.
If its no, I'd probably have a think.

Do it

What a ridiculous melodramatic post. Of course we know that forced marriage is appalling, but have you read the OP's posts? Where did she say she had been raped? Where has she been threatened? We're not talking about forced marriage here, I was speaking before of arranged marriages which can be entirely different. See the post from @Ofcourseshecanbelow.
There are still many people in the UK who have a good arranged marriage, not a forced marriage. Of course there are exceptions, but in most cases they are arranged by the participants families who love them and want the best for them. The couple have a choice. Often they have an extended period between the religious and civil ceremonies to get to know each other better before they finally commit to the relationship.
In this case it is the OP who is trying to decide if this is the man for her. She's not a teenager with stars in her eyes but an older, responsible mother of two who knows what she needs from this marriage. Good luck to her.

YABU and selfish.

I mean really, you might just as well consider sex work, as I fail to see the difference.

Having sex with one person who you know well and are exclusive with is not the same as sex work. It’s not unsafe for one thing. Once you’re married you can reduce the frequency. Even if you stop having sex completely and he divorces you, you’ll still get some money out of it. You really only have to put up with it for a decade or so till the kids leave home, then you can divorce him.

This is obviously a joke as no one is that calculating and manipulating

Nice. She should put that right there in her vows.

I don't think he's stupid. Perhaps he's proposed because he loves you and wants to offer you security? I don't think this is a mercenary marriage for money. You like and respect him. This is a good basis for marriage.

My only concern would be if you started craving sex with someone you did find sexually attractive or if he wanted more sex than you were able to offer. Sex can be about laughter and friendship as well as grand passion so if you are enjoying it and are not repulsed I wouldn't worry about some magical attraction.

Why are MN so puritanical about money? And so hysterical about twu wuv and sex without love (rape? Prostitution? For christ’s sake every act of P in V that is not carried out in the heat of passion and financial disinterest is not either rape or prostitution!)

Be that as it may I am very sorry OP’s experience is so detached and distressing that she can not imagine meeting and marrying someone who loves her and who she loves back. There’s not much wiggle room in her life given the constraints she describes but to me the real work here is psychological to find out why she has such a wounded ego that she can not conceive of being loved by anyone and ends up fantasizing about some and rejecting others who are available.

Be that as it may be the ONLY acceptable reason to get into a loveless marriage is to secure a better life for your kids. So if OP can’t/ wont force her ex to pay more, reduce her costs then sure: go for this relationship.

But why be shy? I am not being sarcastic here. If I were OP I would absolutely be frank and aboveboard.

Dear best friend—my children and I need a father/husband not a boyfriend. We need to be living more securely and building up assets. So I want you to think hard about this relationship—are you prepared to share everything with me and fully support us?

Because there is no point in entering into this if it doesn’t bring a lot more financial security than a small amount of money covering added costs from him.

Would you say the same though @pikkumyy77 if a man chose to marry a women he didn't love for say, housekeeping duties, in the full knowledge that she was in love with him?

The double standards on this are really bothering me.

Most arranged marriages consider financial stability so it’s not unusual and perfectly sensible to consider this.
many if the longest lasting relationships are built on friendship …it forms a solid foundation. Physical attraction only last so long. After it wanes what are you
prft with….hopefully a long term partnership with a dear friend.
I’m I would suggest a long engagement of a year and honesty from you To him that you are accepting on the basis of long term prospects rather than initial attraction. Good luck !!

Wooky073
Most arranged marriages consider financial stability so it’s not unusual and perfectly sensible to consider this.

One of the main differences is that in an arranged marriage both people know what they are getting in to.

He needs to know what family life is like. At the moment he has a romantic idea of what your life could be like. Sharing your life, your home and competing for your attention and learning to care about and for your children ? Whole other ballgame.
Invite him in to your regular life. Term time. Packed lunches. School plays. The ironing pile. The weekly shop. Stay as FWB isnt giving him the whole picture. I'm not saying he wont make a wonderful husband or step parent..but you need to give him the opportunity to live the life.
Living at home with his parents either means it's a cultural thing and he's well versed in household bills and juggling career and caring commitments. Ir he's a man child and wants someone to do all that for him. You need another adult child like a hole in the head !
Proceed into a whole relationship aspect and ask him to ask you again in a years time !

I do have friends like that, but I am not too keen to discuss it in real life. If I do decide to be with him, it will be a decision for life - I definitely do not want my friends (who are likely to become joint friends later) to know that I had serious doubts in the very beginning.

Again, I am not looking for financial support for myself or the children, no more than a very normal expenses sharing arrangement in the household.
I have been to court with the children's father, the award was nil.

It would be culturally expected that he takes on all bills in the household (including me and the children). Again, it is NOT what I expect at all, and this is one of big reasons why men are not too keen on women with children in my culture. Not only culturally, legally back home they will be even required to pay child support in respect of stepchildren in case of divorce.

I know it might sound unusual, but I don't mind doing 100% of house work (again, in the context that there are additional funds to outsource some of it in case of increased load). Firstly, there are economies of scale as I am doing it anyway now, and it doesn't really make a difference if I need to put one more plate on the table or add another wash to the weekly routine. Secondly, I was brought up in the environment where the woman of the house does it all, it is a familiar and comfortable set up for me, and I would probably find it very odd if that changed.