AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Yes, it all was an elaborate 20 year long plan on his side to get to my kids, you cracked it.

I wouldn't use somebody for their money, personally.

No, he does not send me money or gifts outside normal situations (birthday, some small souvenirs during visits). I do the same from my side.
He does now fully cover the cost of us seeing each other in person.

No, the mother tongue is not English. I am from one of more liberal and secular countries in the East. Thank you for the kind words!

i would think there has to be some attraction there . as a woman i wouldnt want to ary someone just for the sake of help financially. you have already said you dont love him so why would you think this relationship wil last . its possible there is no attraction at the beginning of a relationship but love can grow . lots of women say they were not atracted to a man but it turned around and they get married.
but sounds like yours is mainly for financial help . i know you said he is not rich but am in the IT field and can be a lucrative source of income depending on what he is doing . he might not be a bilionaire but i sense he is earning very decent money but i dont think its fair on him . if someone says they love you and you dont reply back then he should sense it . is he aware your feelings towards him

Someone having 3K expenses doesn't earn 36K. There's this annoying thing called taxes.

That's exactly what I meant, "someone on that salary should live a life of luxury, you must be making stupid decisions". Would be good to see exactly where one can rent in London for mum + two children for less than 2K, or a childminder that charges less than £5 per hour. Or what area to retrain in at 40 (ideally also instantaneously and for free) with two small kids to beat the current salary (for which I need a STEM related doctorate, and where I manage a team of six). It is all hypothetical, in the spirit of "you can have it all, girl" feminist slogans.

It might be a thing in Australia, but there is no such thing as imputation of income in the UK when it comes to child maintenance.

I would not want to care for him, no (I probably would not want to for anyone). But I still would, if we are married.

I don't have a wounded ego or low self-esteem. I am just realistic in estimating my relationship market value. I have never rejected a man in my life (apart from accidental situations where there was obvious danger), and I have always been the pursuer... apart from this guy.

Just wanted to say I am genuinely grateful for all opinions, even ones that are a bit hard to stomach (about sex work / prostitution etc). I would not be asking for public opinion if I had my conscience clean and the decision clear. I care about the guy very much (I'd say "love him as a friend", but it is so cliche - still true), and do not want to hurt him or use him for own gain.

Are you from Singapore or Malaysia by any chance?
I don't think you would be wrong. As long as you're clear about your intentions.

And prepared for the possibility that one day, one or both of you might fall truly in love. Be prepared for the divorce then

This isn't even settling Op, you don't want him for you but for how his money could help your DC. This is such a bad idea, if he's 40s and had very little love life and lives with his parents then there's a problem there as well.Don't do this, it won't work out well for any of you

I’m basically supportive, OP. I just don’t see much point in halfway marring someone for security without really making financial and emotional security for you and your children front and center. I know MN is nuts on financial independence for women and also very anxious and separatist over step children and their needs. But I wouldn’t be and I urge you not to be either. I think you should act as though you are a widow and your children have no biological father in the picture. What will make this work longterm is if your new dh really wants to be in a family with you all longterm. After all you will probably want to start saving and building a house to retire to in home country. And you will want your children to feel comfortable returning to live with you or near you periodically. If he’s just friendly uncle for whom your struggles are not his problem then you will quickly find him a liability not an asset.

Lovely

Just proceed with caution, OP. If he's going to rent a place near you, take time to weigh up how it goes as he and your children get to know each other. After perhaps a year of seeing how everyone gets on together, you could then ask your DC how they'd feel about him moving in with all of you. And even then, you could live with him for a while rather than getting married.

I agree with lots of previous posters that you'd have to be sure that he'll pull his weight with household chores, etc.

I'm afraid I have to add that I think it's pretty sad that you're sleeping with him when you don't find him at all attractive. But only you can decide if that's worth it.

Here's an alternative scenario - you might want to think about moving somewhere else, even if that means a longer or more expensive commute, if it means you'd have a lower rent and/or an extra room that you could let to a lodger.

Thought I'd provide an update on the thread as we're nearly two weeks into living close by and into the "trial period".

I think I figured out now why I have nil sexual attraction to him. It would sound weird, but it is because he turned out to be helpless with managing very basic life admin tasks.

For example, his (quite lucrative) work contracts before were fully arranged and managed by his cousin. Meaning - she found suitable contractor position ads online, sent his cv to recruiters, then had to ensure he dials in for the interview and technical tests on time, checked regularly that he does not forget to show up for work, did all his invoicing etc - he had no idea that all these things even existed, from his perspective money just appeared in his account by magic. I asked him how does he think clients paid him, and he just thought that there just must be a database of all people somewhere out there, with their bank details, how else? He didn't even know he has a bank account in his name, from his perspective he just had "a card" that he used to buy things, and if he lost the card, mum would "do something" so the bank sends another one. Mum would arrange doctor and dentist appointments, he has never had a sight of a utility bill (he understands that they exist in principle, but it was a genuine shock for him when he learned that water is not free). I had to handle the flat search and agent/landlord negotiations for him end-to-end, as he did not know what to do and say at all. Arranged a cleaner now to come and help out for a few hours every week with chores and cooking, as it became clear that he can't even turn on the gas (wasn't allowed to touch gas at home since he was a kid, and has developed a strange phobia). He wanted to go to some conference in the US in October, and assumed I will just arrange all flights, hotels and visas for him once he told me - he has absolutely zero idea how it is done.

I know it sounds very shallow, but I feel like he is operating at a competence level of a 9-10 year old in some areas (as smart and high-achieving as he is academically), and I just do not perceive him subconsciously as a peer, or even just as an adult. Not sure if it will get better from here, if he improves - but still trying to keep an open mind. Not sure how much of the issues are also from being in a new environment, rather than simply immature.

How does he have all these lucrative work contracts if he is as utterly helpless as you imply here? 'the competence level of a 9-10 year old' according to you, but then you say he's smart, and a high achiever. It's just not adding up.

I remember your previous thread. Now I think you should leave this man alone. Why not get out of the way so he can meet a woman who actually respects him?

Sadly you'll likely still marry him for his money. Which makes you the low achiever and yes, him not exactly smart in all ways as he's failed to spot this.

TBH I think it does add up. Many very high achievers have no idea of real life, i know quite a few

I am not "in his way" - I am not pushing him to do anything and it is not me who is insisting on marriage.

He is very highly skilled in one specific area, with amazing academic credenitals, thus the reasonable financial effect from it (funnily, 20-30 years ago this area would have been probably considered a dead end sector for nerds who completely lack social skills or business sense).

But you are right that the issue is the lack of respect from my side.

Surely you realise now that you absolutely can't marry him.

He sounds like a liability and not an asset. If he's so clueless about banks, money and doesn't even know how he's paid, then how is he going to provide the house, the car, the assets that you would want from a more transactional relationship? I have nothing against securing one's future, I just wouldn't bet on this guy! He needs a mum in the UK, no wonder you find him deeply unattractive. Great that you are giving it a trial period though, very sensible and allow you to envision the future in a more concrete way (and no wonder he wants to marry and get you to look after him if his mum is now going to be more dependent as she ages).

If you're going to marry for money at least hold out for more money! Im not being flippant here, financial security is actually a sensible reason for marriage but it sounds like he's not got that either.

I still have hopes that what I see now is just a temporary loss of competence due to the stress of relocation etc. Now I feel responsible for him - not marrying, but, I don't know, teaching some basic life skills at least. These are now at the level when even if you make an appointment for him for something (say, GP registration), he just won't be able to manage this unless you come to his place, remind him to get ready, collect the required paperwork and get him there on time.

I am probably not a type to attract "more money" lol. I explained at the beginning of the thread that the top of my eventual ambition is just 50/50 sharing of (non child related) living costs. Not a luxurious lifestyle of a kept woman.

But, but...he's supposed to be supporting you! Not you training him. He's not young, he's not 9 or 10, why invest your time and energy in him and not more in your children?

I don't even believe he has that much money and if he has to have his cousin arrange his work, what's the chance he won't get so much work here now?

I think you obviously want to marry him for a reason best known to yourself, it's not rational from the outside, but that's not our business, good luck!